So confused

LegacyUser

I don't know why I'm posting this as I know exactly what I will be told. I know what I have to do but I also need to get this out of my head.

I've been with my boyfriend (I'll call him Adam) for 7 years, living together for over 5. I love him dearly and I see my future with him complete with kids. He's an amazing, sweet, loving guy.

There's a guy I know through work (I'll call him Ben). We don't work in the same department but would see each other on nights out etc. We would consider each other friends and get on really well. We would meet for drinks every few weeks or so with other work mates that we consider to be friends, so not just official work nights out. He has been with his girlfriend for the same length of time as I'm with my boyfriend. They own a house together and marriage is on the cards.

When myself and Ben get together there is an unbelievable attraction. Its something I have never experienced before. I thought it was just me, perhaps I'm bored with my relationship, feel like things have stalled a bit. However Ben recently confessed that he feels the same attraction. He told me that loves being around me, wants to always be near me and thinks I'm amazing. I feel the same about him. I saw him a few weeks ago and it all became a bit too much. We got a bit drunk and ended up alone at the end of the night. We kissed, very briefly. We both stopped it very quickly as we knew we were completely out of order. Since then my head is a mess. On Tuesday there were a few after-work drinks for a colleague's last day. We ended up alone again and had a big talk about how we both feel. We know that nothing can happen. We don't want to end our relationships or anything crazy like that. He said that when he sees me, either on a night out or if our paths cross in work, I stay in his head for weeks afterwards. I'm exactly the same. On Tuesday we again kissed briefly. We both ended up quite drunk and he walked me to the taxi rank at the end of the night. On the way he asked me what I saw happening long-term with us. I said I had no idea what to do. That its almost like an addiction. I get excited when I know I'm going to see him, when I see him I just want to touch him. I asked him what he saw happening long-term and he just said "me and you." I know that this was probably just the drink talking but it makes me even more confused. I feel like its escalating and we need to stop it. I don't know how much longer we can sustain this without people getting hurt.

He sent me a text today apologising for what he said about us having a future together. He said it was the drink but that he does have really strong feelings for me. He said he can't focus on work today and his head is wrecked. I'm the same. I replied and told him that I knew it was the drink talking, that I had no ideas of him and I living happily ever after or anything like that and that maybe we shouldn't see each other for a while. We had talked about not seeing each other anymore on Tuesday but both said we hated the idea because we love being around each other. He agreed today though that its the right thing to do.

I feel like the worst girlfriend in the world and I know Ben feels awful about this too. I'm not in love with Ben, I don't want to leave Adam but I can't explain this crazy attraction we have for each other. Its like a drug.

Has anyone ever been in a similar situation? Is no contact the only option or will this disappear over time?

Miss Fluff

I actually really feel for you as you're obviously deeply upset by all of this. It's not a nice position to be in.

MeltedHead wrote: »

I've been with my boyfriend (I'll call him Adam) for 7 years, living together for over 5. I love him dearly and I see my future with him complete with kids. He's an amazing, sweet, loving guy

If you genuinely see your future with Adam then you need to cut out Ben completely. By that I mean drastic measures. If it means no longer going out with the work crew then so be it. You also need to sever contact with Ben entirely, that's if you are sure that you want to stay committed to Adam and see a future with him.

If on the other hand your feelings for Ben intensify and you can't bear to be apart from him, then you need to break up with Adam and Ben with his girlfriend. You can only really get involved when you are both free to do so. It would be seedy and it would be cruel to get involved while both in committed relationships.

Essentially what I'm saying is, you can only get involved with Ben when both of you have split up with your partners. If leaving Adam isn't an option then you need to forget Ben exists.

Starokan

+1 to everything Miss Fluff said. If you and ben continue to see each other its a certainty that you both will act on the attraction. what will follow will be the most painful process either of you will ever go through.

It wont just affect you because both of your attitudes to your partners will change. You will reject them without even knowing it and cause them immense hurt on a daily basis.

You have to decide for yourself what you want. If you want to stay with adam then delete ben from your phone and stop socialising with him. If you want to be with him then leave adam and wait and see if ben leaves his girlfriend.

Fwiw try not to feel to guilty, contrary to popular belief i believe its possible to love more than one person, its just our society doesnt allow for it. Dont beat yourself up to much just make your choice and make it quickly.

I really feel for you, i have been in this exact situation and it sucks big time!!

LegacyUser

Miss Fluff wrote: »

I actually really feel for you as you're obviously deeply upset by all of this. It's not a nice position to be in.

Thank you for that. I expected to get lynched here so I really appreciate the understanding. I am so upset and confused. I don't know where my head is at all.

Miss Fluff wrote: »

If you genuinely see your future with Adam then you need to cut out Ben completely. By that I mean drastic measures. If it means no longer going out with the work crew then so be it. You also need to sever contact with Ben entirely, that's if you are sure that you want to stay committed to Adam and see a future with him.

If on the other hand your feelings for Ben intensify and you can't bear to be apart from him, then you need to break up with Adam and Ben with his girlfriend. You can only really get involved when you are both free to do so. It would be seedy and it would be cruel to get involved while both in committed relationships.

Essentially what I'm saying is, you can only get involved with Ben when both of you have split up with your partners. If leaving Adam isn't an option then you need to forget Ben exists.

I know you're right. I know that I need to avoid Ben entirely and try to forget him. I'm lucky that I don't work in the same department so I don't have to see him everyday. It's just so hard. At first it was just flirting, a bit of fun. Then it got more and more intense. It was easier when I thought it was just me and I could fob it off as enjoying a flirt and having some harmless fun. But when he told me he felt it too it made it real. I do have really strong feelings for him but I know that neither of us want to ruin our relationships for something that could simply be lust.

Starokan wrote: »

It wont just affect you because both of your attitudes to your partners will change. You will reject them without even knowing it and cause them immense hurt on a daily basis.

You're so right. The last thing I want is to hurt Adam. He is the most loyal, caring person I've ever met. He loves me completely and would never hurt me and I know he'd be devastated by this. I don't think it'd be the kiss that would hurt him as much as knowing I have these intense feelings for someone else.

Starokan wrote: »

Fwiw try not to feel to guilty, contrary to popular belief i believe its possible to love more than one person, its just our society doesnt allow for it. Dont beat yourself up to much just make your choice and make it quickly.

I really feel for you, i have been in this exact situation and it sucks big time!!

Thank you so much for not berating me. My head is such a mess and Ben is completely under my skin at the moment. I know that I need to cut him out but the thought of never seeing him again kills me. The way we left it yesterday was that we'd just not see each other for a while, but I know in my heart that no matter how long we leave it the feelings will still be there, on my side at least, when we do eventually meet. Should I contact him and tell him we can't ever see each other again? I can avoid the work nights out so he doesn't have to.

God my head is melted!

I am a friend

Op I don't think it's as cut and dried as you think. If you love your bf so much, how can you also have this level of feeling for Ben.

It's alright to box it away now but how long can you suppress it for? Whether you like to admit it or not, Adam cannotbe the guy for you if you are at this stage with Ben. So you stay with Adam? There will be another Ben because it's just not right with Adam or you would not be straying. You are in a tough spot but don't waste your life trying to fit a square peg into a round hole.

Taltos

OP - I know you say you see your future with Adam - however your actions speak louder than words.

Maybe you just need to take a few weeks alone to really evaluate what / who it is you are looking for. Who knows maybe Adam is the one for you - but maybe he isn't and you just think he is due to your shared histories.

Seriously - get some quality time alone to really work through things.

Zen65

MeltedHead wrote: »

Is no contact the only option or will this disappear over time?

No contact is the best strategy for now, but it's not enough. The human heart is capable of loving more than one person, but is often unable to withstand the pain of not being loved exclusively. After 7 years it is not uncommon for a relationship to seem a little stale (even if subconsciously) no matter how much you love Adam. Along comes Ben with all of the properties that could make it easy to love him, but he also brings a level of "new" and "exciting" romance that's hard to experience with Adam, because you have become so familiar to each other.

But you and Ben seem like mature, sensible people who know that you have to act now to avoid pain all round for so many people.

So not seeing Ben is a start, but working with Adam to bring back some excitement into your relationship is also important if you are to weather this storm now, and again in the future. Perhaps you could try "date nights" with each other, or consider introducing some changes to your intimacy routine? All the words you use to describe Adam (sweet, loving, loyal, caring) have a ring of "safe" to them, and after 7 years "safe" might not be exciting enough for you. I'm certainly not suggesting anything drastic such as a menage-a-trois, nor indulging in wild sexual fetishes which are likely to make you feel foolish, but simple things (new positions, different places around the house, whatever) could make a difference. Also, I have read about couples opting to change their wardrobes / hairstyles / make-up as a way of introducing some "novelty" back into the relationship. These things might sound corny, but there is merit in those ideas. If you want your relationship with Adam to survive the challenges of the years together, you need to find ways to periodically reinvent yourselves to each other. It's worth the effort, and it's fun.

Be at peace,

Z

Karen8

OP I understand how do you feel. I went exactly through this. I can't add anything else to what others already said. you've got a choice in your hands now - and you already know the answer what is best for you. I understand how confused and upset do you feel right now. everything will be ok at the end. U just need to choose what is 'ok' for you. Best of luck.

LegacyUser

i know your story only too well. I am going through the exact same thing.... and i mean exact. But in my story I am "Ben".

What i would say to you is don't disregard Bens feelings. For him to say that he has feelings for you, knowing that you are both in a relationship, knowing that there is little chance of things going back to the way they were before shows that he really must mean them.
There must be a reason you find yourself drawn to him and him to you. You say you don't love him but might you just be saying that because if you admit it, it leaves you with some very hard decisions and 2 very innocent people would get very hurt? Peoples lives would be turned upside down.
You can't help who you fall in love with or when it happens all you can do is make yourself and the one you love happy.. Is it better to stay in a relationship knowing that something better is out there just so you don't hurt somebody?

If Ben likes you as much as i like (lets call the girl in my story Samantha) Samantha time apart will not cure this. If you really don't feel the same you have to cut him off completely.
Harsh i Know but the only fair thing to do...

Distorted

I agree with Zen_65 that its the new and exciting with Ben that is getting to you. Plus also partly a bit of the forbidden. The reality might not be as good. Adam sounds like a better bet that Ben, who is willing to confess to another woman his feelings for them while in a long term relationship and contemplating marriage. Who is to say he won't feel the same after a few years with you and do this again?

VikingG

hi...
My advice would be to approach it like this.... First of all forget about new guy Ben for a second... (throughout your life you will meet people that you will feel a little spark for).. and look at the person that you are with .. Adam.. I think you called him.. Make the decision whether or not you want to stay with him and not a decision whether or not you want to go to someone else.