Can't seem to get to know housemates

LegacyUser

Hey everyone I'm just looking for some feedback on the following. I moved for work last October to a place where I knew nobody and moved in with two girls of similar age.(23-26).
We work in similar professions so we have that in common and we get on very well to a point. There is a cleaning rota in place and everybody does their fair share. Bills are always paid on time and everybody seems happy with the arrangments.

It's just that I find I can't get to know them at all. They are lovely girls, probably best people I have got on with that I have lived with as there hasn't been any rows but it's like they don't want to be friends or something. I have suggested nights out, nights to the cinema, nights in etc and they have said yes at the beginning but then it hasn't happened. I make an effort to talk to them and ask about their hobbies,lives etc but it only goes so far when someone answers yes/no to every question. I have made other friends in the area so thta's good in a sense and the girls I live with are always nice to these girls when they call over. One girl in particular is almost impossible to talk to. Sometimes we would sit in the room and unless I talk or make conversation she might not say a word.

It doesn't seem like a big problem but my other friends have been kind of wondering why I never do anything with my housemates and I don't know what to tell them. Is there something obvious that I'm not doing? Or is it just a case of they don't like me and are just tolerating me? I have been thinking that it's just a case of them not liking me because they never really tell me anything about themselves or their lives so it's impossible to get to know them. Just if anyone had any suggestions on something I'm not doing which might make a difference, it would be great. It's not that I want to be best friends with them but I don't know if I can stay in the house any longer if I can't even get to know them.

LegacyUser

Ehm, stop trying to be 'friends' with them.

They're your housemates. It's not compulsory to be friends with them. If your own friends are friends with *their* housemates then that's their own choice.

Your housemates have made it clear that although they are friendly and pleasant they don't want to be 'friends'. That's perfectly ok.

They probably think you are lovely. You sound really nice. But in the evenings they probably just want to chill and have a bit of peace with their own thoughts, not nattering and making small talk after a hard/busy day. I would find someone constantly interupting my peace at home irritating, clingy and needy.

You might be the type of person who thinks you have to 'fill every silence' -that can be quite draining for other people. You have to learn how to amuse yourself and be comfortable in your own company.

You say you don't know what to tell your friends. OP, you don't have to explain this at all. It's quite normal even if they haven't encountered it before.

Valentina

I don't know how to phrase this without coming across as harsh but to be frank, just because you live with these girls does mean they are obligated to be your friend.

If your living situation is otherwise harmonious then I think you need to just accept these girls are not interested in friendship and leave it at that.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies. I do know how to entertain myself and I don't interrupt silences. I know when to stay quiet. But when you could spend hours in the same room as somebody and if you ask a question and they just say yes or no, Thats just a bit upsetting. I have given up making an effort with them. Clearly they don't want to be friends which puzzles me a bit because we do get on its just they don't make much of an effort to get to know me. It would be a lot easier if this was a case of us not getting on at all as then I would know we are definitely not going to become close mates but the fact that we do get on its a bit puzzling. Like I know if I lived with people who i like I would go to the cinema and socialise with them if they asked. I guess as well I felt a bit overwhelmed that they were the only people I knew at first and I was a bit sensitive to the fact that they didnt want to go the extra mile or bond or whatever its called when you make new friends. Just said wanted to post as it does upset me a bit.

Oryx

You say you get on well in this house and its probably the best houseshare you had. Consider that these girls might be distant for that very reason. If you are not socialising and best buddies it is easier to keep things on a businesslike footing re the house. They may not want to think of you as anything but a lodger so that its easier to rub along together. Not because its unfriendly or they don't like you but because its practical.

Red Hand

I've lived in a good many houseshares over the years and in some of them, we didn't really have that much in common and weren't friends, and in others, we were mates and went out the odd time. It depends...sometimes you click and other times, there may not be that much in common or maybe it is best to keep a distance so that there are no rows or anything.

Firetrap

Not every house share is like an episode of Friends. All I can do is reiterate what the others have said and leave things be. People live in house shares for all sorts of reasons and not everyone is interested in making friends. You've made an effort with your house mates and they've made it clear they're not interested. Be glad you've got other friends outside of the house and leave it be.

tenchi-fan

I moved out of my last houseshare because I didn't click with anyone.

Two of them were over 40 and friendly but boring.
The third was my age but a grungy, boring mature student with a chip on her shoulder.

Moved out and get on much better with my new housemates. I wasn't looking for friends but when you have to share living space its' good that you at least can have a bit of craic with the people you're living with.

baby and crumble

Coming from the perspective of your housemates, OP, I'd be quite like them. I like my peace and quiet when I come home in the evening- I talk pretty much all day in my current role, so when I come home I like having no-one talk to me. I've lived with my best friends, and I've also lived with people I didn't know. Both were fine, because nobody expected to magically be best friends with people they just start living with. It's not that I didn't like the people I lived with, but beyond living together and maybe liking the same TV programmes, we had nothing in common.

I now live on my own, mostly because the last housemate I Had wouldn't shut up when I came home in the evening. I ended up avoiding the sitting room because I knew I wouldn't be able to watch tv in peace. I'm not saying you've reached that level yet, OP, you seem lovely and fairly understanding. But a lot of people like me just share because they can't afford their own place yet. Doesn't mean they don't like you, it just means that's the kind of person they are.

Miss Fluff

Firetrap wrote: »

Not every house share is like an episode of Friends.

+1, couldn't agree more. It seems like you're a bit naive OP as to what a houseshare actually involves. For the majority of people it is an arrangement/convenience so that they can save money by splitting bills etc. If you get on with them are are civil to one another all the better. Expecting to be friends and become part of one another's lives isn't really part and parcel of most houseshares.