I secretly cannot stand one of my closest friends

LegacyUser

I have been very close friends with this person since we were teenagers and have had some great times over the years. We have always had a lot in common but over the past year or 2 I feel that I have sort of passed her by and we are very different in our perspectives of the world. I know this makes me sound horrible but I feel this person is not that bright and has never really been and as we get older this sort of shines through a lot more. We get on great when we are just having a laugh together but trying to have a conversation about something serious is almost impossible as I just feel we are on different levels and I just cannot relate to this person.

Lately I cannot stand to be around her and I think she knows this. We still have all the same friends so this is difficult. I care a lot of about her and one of the main reasons I cannot stand to be around her is because of how false her whole persona is. She just goes through the motions and pretends to be happy when she continually falls to take any responsibility for her future path. I would love to see her do things with her life but I think she just cannot admit that she is living a lie and keeps brushing off any responsibility to better he life. What drives me crazy is her false "everything is hunky dory" persona when I know it is not. I think on some levels she actually fools herself in to thinking that everything is fine when it clearly is not. She has a lot of potential and her life is going nowhere. One day she talks about making a big change and just when you think she has made some progress she falls back in to her old pattern and continues to display this falsely positive act. This frustrates the hell out of me and sometimes I just wanna scream at her to get a hold of things and face up to life's responsibilities. I think at this stage I need to just cut ties with her as it is getting so tough and I get in a bad mood even thinking about her.

evry1sm8

Hi. Can you explain a bit more maybe?
What does she do that makes you feel her life is going nowhere?
Is it that she has no job or isnt good with her money?
And what is the same old routine that she falls back into?

Maybe if youre friend doesnt do well in serious conversation then you could just avoid those kind of talks with her and enjoy the other parts that dont frustrate you?
Also, being up-beat and going along in life like everything's hunky dorey is imo a far better quality in a person who has crap in their lives then someone who would moan about it and be down-beat all the time, dont you think?
Esp if the things she is choosing to be up-beat over are things that are her own life and not affecting you... Only if someone was pretending things were hunky dorey that directly affected me and I felt they were not would it bother me,
otherwise id be glad my friend was being upbeat rather then depressed.

And what life responsibilities does she not own up to?
A bit more info might help people understand your predicament better, thanks

girlonfire

It's entirely natural for friends to grow apart with time, different life experiences, etc. We're all on different paths and just because you have different interests and ambitions to those of your friend, that does not make you any better or her any worse.
While I do understand where you're coming from as I've been there with friends before, I think you're coming off as a little bit judgmental of your friend.
All in all, your friends life is her own to do with what she pleases. Perhaps she has some self esteem issues and doesn't believe in herself enough. I don't know her so I won't try to analyse. If you feel that strongly about it, I'd limit the amount of time spent with her and focus on your own life. I always tell myself if I come away feeling repeatedly drained after spending time with a "friend", it's time to move on.

Darlughda

While it is natural for some friends to grow apart over time. If the person is someone you genuinely care about and have been friends with for a long time, then rather than disappearing from their life gradually, you should come straight with her.

There is nothing more despicable than people who disappear or grow gradually cold after years of a friendship without any kind of explanation or honesty.

You are obviously on a different path from her right now, in terms of ambition, but it is not fair of you to judge if she is making the most of her opportunities or not. Why not be honest and scream at her "to get a hold of things and face up to life's responsibilities"? You are giving out about her putting a false face on things and pretending everything is 'hunky dory', yet is that not what you are doing by biting down what you really think, and not saying what you really want to say to her.

You can continue to hold this in until another of the friends in your group breaks, and confides in you their feelings regarding this friend. Then you will have an ally. Then slowly, but surely you will gain in numbers and momentum until she is eventually frozen out of your social circle.
This is horrible, and shows nothing but cowardice, please do not take this route if you truly have genuine feelings of caring towards your old friend.

Instead, you can begin by looking at yourself.
Are you judging her too harshly for not having the same resolve, ambition etc as you have? Is this a person who really is there for you through thick and thin? Does she deserve to be abandoned without explanation by a person who she believes to be a real friend?

LegacyUser

You clearly still care about her and that's natural and to be expected but you have to let go. Whether you let go of your friendship only you can decide.

But you must let go of the resentment towards her decisions and her choices. They belong to her and she's fully entitled to make her own and not to be made feel less than for them (I know you have probably never done so but many people can pick up on such judgement). She's not hurting you with her decisions. She's also entitled to float through life if she chooses. She may knuckle down the way YOU would like or perhaps she'll find a completely different path to one you may have envisaged for her.

We all have a friend or even a few friends who we imagined would do more or something different with their lives. I really do know how you feel - you want the best for people you care about. But I've also been on the other side... Many people believe I'm not achieving my full potential. My family, friends and former lecturers... But I know what I want from life. I know what will make me happy and I'm pursuing it. It's not a pipe dream and I have ambition but people think I'm settling. I have suffered with depression and I'm extremely familiar with the happy hunky dory mask. It's default for many people. Your friend of course might not be depressed. She must be a lil stressed if she is putting on the mask though.

Basically I'm just saying if you choose to remain as her friend (and if you don't, it's ok, sure people grow apart all the time) you need to try and let her live her life as she wants. Only she can improve her lot.

LegacyUser

I cannot really explain it and I know it sounds like I am just being judgemental and that I should be happy for her what ever she chooses but it is not that she even makes choices. She fails to make choices. I do however think that she has a low self esteem and doesn't believe in herself enough. She has had opportunities to go abroad and travel with other friends and she has passed up having these great life experiences to just stay living at home. The thing is she is great with people and people love her. She is more than capable of getting out there and mixing with new people in new places but she just will not.

Then she complains about how she is sick of doing the same things when everyone else is out there living. She gets angry and frustrated about her life not having direction and go's around telling people she is gonna do all these things which she never does. When you ask her then if she still plans on doing something she just changes the subject and gets very awkward. She only chooses what she wants to hear sometimes and makes it very clear that she does not want to talk about certain personal choices in her life.

I think everyone is entitled to do what they want in their lives and chose their own paths etc and I don't look down on anyone. However when it comes to a close friend who time and time again complains about their life and has the ability & opportunity to do something different and better themselves yet does not take these opportunities then this really bothers me. She is in denial plain and simple and I think she is going to run in to serious problems when she gets older if she does not make changes. I mean she's gonna look back and have done nothing when she was young. Again I know how bad I probably come off here but you would have to know this person to really understand. Many of her friends think this too and we often talk about it. Its that we care about her and would like to see her do something, nobody wants to see a friend work dead end jobs that go nowhere and never see the world. She's just resided to hanging around and going through the same motions while all of her friends are out there doing things with their lives.

fghijkl

friendprobs wrote: »

I know this makes me sound horrible but I feel this person is not that bright and has never really been and as we get older this sort of shines through a lot more. We get on great when we are just having a laugh together but trying to have a conversation about something serious is almost impossible as I just feel we are on different levels and I just cannot relate to this person.

Why is it impossible? Because she isn't "smart enough" to converse about the topic? Or because you just don't agree with her viewpoint?
There's a huge difference.

Just because you can't relate to her point of view, that doesn't mean you are "smarter" than her.

She just goes through the motions and pretends to be happywhen she continually falls to take any responsibility for her future path. I would love to see her do things with her life but I think she just cannot admit that she is living a lie and keeps brushing off any responsibility to better he life.
She has a lot of potential and her life is going nowhere. One day she talks about making a big change and just when you think she has made some progress she falls back in to her old pattern and continues to display this falsely positive act.

Maybe the girl just simply isn't ambitious! Some people are quite happy to live a laid back lifestyle, chasing a career isn't the be all and end all. As long as she happy then what of it? It's hardly any of your business how she chooses to live her life, if it doesn't effect you, then what difference does it make to you
You keep saying her happiness is false...why?
How do you know it's false? Could it just be case of jealousy on your part? Are you jealous of her easy going lifestyle perhaps? Jealous of her positive attitude to life?
she's not ambitious/motivated so she must be unhappy? Loads of people are quite content to live a "mundane" life, yeah maybe she has a lot of potential, but that doesn't mean she want's to use it, it also doesn't mean she's not happy!

You're coming off as a bit of an elitist snob here OP.
I can't really see what's so bad about her that makes you "unable to stand being around her"

LegacyUser

You sound very judgemental OP. You say you are not but you are. It's you that is in denial. You sound young and you sound arrogant I'm sorry to say. There is no one correct, prescribed way to live your life.

this person is not that bright and has never really been and as we get older this sort of shines through a lot more

She has a lot of potential

I do however think that she has a low self esteem and doesn't believe in herself enough

Interesting, so on one hand you say she's not that bright but then she has lots of potential? Which is it?

To me it sounds like this girl is a happy go lucky sort who has no ambition and is happy to take life as it comes. That's ok. Not everyone has to want to travel the world and chase difficult careers. I spent many years following a career and it is one of my biggest regrets. I found the world of Business to be full of 'ambitious' people, who often turned out to be pathologically selfish snakes!

Perhaps your friend talks big as she knows that's what's expected in your 'gang'. You moan that she puts a brave face on it. You'd probably moan if she was constantly negative. You've done the classic bullying tactic of deciding to put her in a 'no-win' position. She's damned if she does, damned if she doesn't.

Yes the talk where she gets frustrated and makes plans (that are possibly outside her capabilities and probably REAL desires) is probably tedious to listen to. But to my mind it sounds like she feels you and the rest of the 'mean-girls' disapproval and tries to fit in. She shouldn't have to. You lot either ACCEPT your friend for who she is or leave her alone.

I think everyone is entitled to do what they want in their lives and chose their own paths etc and I don't look down on anyone

Really? You think that? Well, that claim is not whatsoever borne out by everything you have written here. In fact quite the opposite is coming accross. I think you are slightly in denial about your own motivations. If you really wanted what's best for your friend you would talk to her like a human being and accept her for who she really is. instead you secretly despise her and feel contempt for her and you look down on her for her not being the same as you.

The girl could have learning difficulties or just simply not be able to achieve the things you are talking about. You say she has low self esteem too. Last thing she needs is a whole gang of hypocrites hanging around with her but instead of wishing her well, talking about her behind her back and feeling smugly superior to her.

Many of her friends think this too and we often talk about it. Its that we care about her and would like to see her do something, nobody wants to see a friend work dead end jobs that go nowhere and never see the world. She's just resided to hanging around and going through the same motions while all of her friends are out there doing things with their lives.

I think you should stop talking about the girl. Go off and leave her in peace to make new friendships with some nicer people who are not all perfect.

Her job and travel plans are no-ones business but her own.

This girl reminds me of the type of person who might settle down early and have a family and make a great Mother. I hope so. I hope she finds some nice friends who care and accept her. She deserves better.

Baked.noodle

Childhood friends can drift apart. It’s happened to me and I was unhappy about it but I came to accept it. We still are friendly, but the bond isn’t there anymore. I have to say that there were reasons for the rupture, and some of these reasons could have been addressed, but they weren’t and we both let the friendship slide. I have no resentment towards this person. They have grown into the adult they are and I’m happy that they have friends and enjoy life as best they can. There are things I could say to this person, but whatever issues I could bring up they are already aware of. I understand that you care for this person, but you are really not helping them with your frustration. It’s not your place to ‘fix’ her. You should live your own life as best you can, and if you care for your friend you should be there for her if she asks for your help. Be honest with her if she confides in you, but don’t impose your idea of who she should be on her.

Moomoo1

you sound horribly judgemental. At the end of the day, your reaction to her life choices is _your_ problem, and it's up to _you_ to learn to live with the choices others around you make.

try putting yourself in her shoes and imagine how she'd feel if you cut ties with her...

Firetrap

I'm sorry but you do sound judgemental. You are judging her by your standards. Not everyone is ambitious or wants to move abroad or go travelling. Fair enough, your friend is frustrated with her lot but the only person who can help her is herself. She'll have to figure out what to do in her own good time. I know your intentions are good but unless she asks you for help or advice, stay out of things and try not to get annoyed if she's not doing things the way you think she should.

Perhaps too, the friendship has run its course? You sound like you're in your late teens/early twenties. An age where people have changed a lot. Another thing which jumped out at me is your comment that she's not very bright. That shocked me a bit to be honest. What a thing to say about someone you claim to be a friend.

Magicmatilda

Next time she is frustrated with her lot, why not say to her " well you could have gone to ___ with ____ but you didn't, that's fine if you don't want to travel or have a career, but if you do then do something about it because all you do is complain, If you don't then enjoy your life and chill out" Simple. Problem solved.

lace

OP, you seem to be measuring your friend's life by your own hopes/ambitions. Not everyone wants to "well read" or "well travelled" or working their way up the career ladder and just because your friend has passed up opportunities to go places and have new experiences does not mean she's having any less of a life than those who do. Some of the happiest people I know have "average" jobs and a week in Spain once a year!

It saddens me that so many people seem to have this attitude nowadays. People who don't take a gap year or go on erasmus or a J1 or backpack around Europe living with monks and hippies seem to be almost looked down upon (particularly people of college-going age). Yes, travelling is nice and fun and exciting and enlightening for those who enjoy it. But not everyone is into it and perhaps your friend just isn't.

Whether your friend is happy or not, it's not your place to judge (yes, you are judging) how her life is going and saying it's going "nowhere" is not only extremely condescending but also just plain mean.

You say you don't like this girl's company but it's awkward because the two of you share a group of friends. Are you trying to hold onto this friendship and "fix" this girl because you don't want to lose your other friends or come across as the b*tch? If you "can't stand to be around her anymore" then simply don't spend time with her. Live your life the way you want to and let her get on with hers.

Maple

fghijkl wrote: »

Why is it impossible? Because she isn't "smart enough" to converse about the topic? Or because you just don't agree with her viewpoint?
There's a huge difference.

Just because you can't relate to her point of view, that doesn't mean you are "smarter" than her.



Maybe the girl just simply isn't ambitious! Some people are quite happy to live a laid back lifestyle, chasing a career isn't the be all and end all. As long as she happy then what of it? It's hardly any of your business how she chooses to live her life, if it doesn't effect you, then what difference does it make to you
You keep saying her happiness is false...why?
How do you know it's false? Could it just be case of jealousy on your part? Are you jealous of her easy going lifestyle perhaps? Jealous of her positive attitude to life?
she's not ambitious/motivated so she must be unhappy? Loads of people are quite content to live a "mundane" life, yeah maybe she has a lot of potential, but that doesn't mean she want's to use it, it also doesn't mean she's not happy!

You're coming off as a bit of an elitist snob here OP.
I can't really see what's so bad about her that makes you "unable to stand being around her"

Dial it back on the hostility. You are reaching with your comments with regards the OP thinking her friend is not smart enough.

I suggest you re-read the OP's posts again and watch your tone should you feel the need to comment again.

How would you feel were you to ask advice on a subject and you were called an elitist snob?

Maple

Maple

Magicmatilda wrote: »

Next time she is frustrated with her lot, why not say to her " well you could have gone to ___ with ____ but you didn't, that's fine if you don't want to travel or have a career, but if you do then do something about it because all you do is complain, If you don't then enjoy your life and chill out" Simple. Problem solved.

OP, this is the most constructive advice thus far on the thread. I suggest you take it.

It's frustrating to watch a dear friend give out yards about their life yet do nothing, despite ample opportunity, to change it.

Freiheit

Maybe she's just a bit anxious,nervous of moving beyond her comfort zone,maybe she just needs a bit of encouragment? maybe an opportunity to share her anxieties if she has them? and maybe then she might feel the fear and do it any way?.

In terms of friendships,they come and go all the time,as people and life changes,nothing to worry about.

thefeatheredcat

Everyone is responsible for their own lives, their behaviour and actions. Yes, she may have plenty of opportunities to better her life, to further herself and enhance her life... but she has to want it enough for herself.

There is little that you can really do. She will have to want the better life for herself.... there probably is a sense of insecurity/fear of unknown and other issues behind it all.. and I would think as well that with making up plans to do x, y, z and then it going to the wall, it has more to do with lack of follow through and this is something perhaps they might need help with, in sticking to the plan, or need support in progressing.

Probably they feel the pressure to take on more responsibility (in comparison to her social grouping who from what I gather in the post are far more accomplished, which can be intimidating in itself), but don't feel up to it in the sense of coping with those things or fear that they won't succeed no matter how hard they try, and probably feel like a failure in the social group's eyes in comparison because whatever their big plan was, didn't materialise (and probably would be better off keeping such moves like that to themselves until it is accomplished).

It is frustrating seeing someone who deserves better for themselves choose not to for whatever reason (I know a few people in those kind of situations), but there is little you can do, but to let them find that way themselves and show support. The more pressure you put on or the bigger the fuss, the less likely they will go about it, so just don't put too much pressure on them.. what may seem like a minor thing to yourselves (such as moving out of home, going on holiday, etc) might be a huge step for her, so bear that in mind.

Everyone goes through life at a different pace, people accomplish different things at different times in their lives and it is not supposed to be a race and it's different for everybody.

She will go for those things she wants, when she wants them, when she is ready, it is her life and up to her to choose when the time is right for her. Be patient and show support because she will make those moves that you've nearly given up on.

Outside of that, people do change as time passes, tastes change, perception alters, and people grow apart. It's natural and progressive, part of life's journey.

Have you considered asking her what the root problem to her lack of progression is and having an open discussion with her about her life, or have you merely been the soundboard of her frustration?

friendprobs

friendprobs wrote: »

I have been very close friends with this person since we were teenagers and have had some great times over the years. We have always had a lot in common but over the past year or 2 I feel that I have sort of passed her by and we are very different in our perspectives of the world. I know this makes me sound horrible but I feel this person is not that bright and has never really been and as we get older this sort of shines through a lot more. We get on great when we are just having a laugh together but trying to have a conversation about something serious is almost impossible as I just feel we are on different levels and I just cannot relate to this person.

Lately I cannot stand to be around her and I think she knows this. We still have all the same friends so this is difficult. I care a lot of about her and one of the main reasons I cannot stand to be around her is because of how false her whole persona is. She just goes through the motions and pretends to be happy when she continually falls to take any responsibility for her future path. I would love to see her do things with her life but I think she just cannot admit that she is living a lie and keeps brushing off any responsibility to better he life. What drives me crazy is her false "everything is hunky dory" persona when I know it is not. I think on some levels she actually fools herself in to thinking that everything is fine when it clearly is not. She has a lot of potential and her life is going nowhere. One day she talks about making a big change and just when you think she has made some progress she falls back in to her old pattern and continues to display this falsely positive act. This frustrates the hell out of me and sometimes I just wanna scream at her to get a hold of things and face up to life's responsibilities. I think at this stage I need to just cut ties with her as it is getting so tough and I get in a bad mood even thinking about her.

Friendship should be unconditional but clearly yours has criteria. You would be no loss to her with your attitude.

LegacyUser

friendprobs wrote: »

I secretly cannot stand one of my closest friends

You could only be female. Why must this need to be explained? Not friends, despite being friends for years: move on. Life changes; friendship changes. Go with it. Ultimately we all die very soon, and as far as existing knowledge is concerned, we are eaten by worms and the like from then on.

It is ridiculous to feign being "friends" with somebody with whom you aren't friends. Seriously head-wrecking stuff! Feck the politics and look after your sanity. Big picture- thing of it.

Best of luck/Go n-éirí an t-ádh leat!

KittyeeTrix

ZenÓMurchú wrote: »

You could only be female.

!

Any chance you may explain this statement a bit more??
Thank you