Bothered by gfs past

Shurwhynot

The thread title might seem like my gf has had a seedy past but that's not the case at all!

Basically I've been going out with her for about 6 months but weve been seeing each other for the best part of 18 months...as in texting, going on dates etc but we didn't start getting serious since about Oct or Nov of last yr. She's the first girl I've loved, despite having a few exes of my own.

She went out with a guy for 3 yrs before, but they broke up around 2008. He was about 15 yrs older than her, but she told me that she did love him but that she has no feelings whatsoever for him anymore. Then last wk she told me she kissed him at Xmas. Now we weren't going out but we were getting serious. This doesn't bother me as such, as I kissed someone else at Xmas too. But its just the thought of anyone else kissing her, not to mind sleeping with her, that makes me almost physically sick.

She told me he text her a few wks back but that she told him she was with someone else and happy. I had her phone on a night out and I'm ashamed to say that I checked her msgs. She had told him she was happy with me, but her txts to him were very friendly. Again, its nothing, but it still bothers me.

Then small things like her telling me that she went on a date with a guy before, or telling me that she liked a particular restaurant near where her ex is from when I know she must have been there with him, it all makes me insanely jealous for some reason!

She tells me that she loves me more than him, but the thought of her with another man, even kissing someone else, drives me crazy.

Sorry for the rant!

tallaghtmick

Shurwhynot wrote: »

The thread title might seem like my gf has had a seedy past but that's not the case at all!

Basically I've been going out with her for about 6 months but weve been seeing each other for the best part of 18 months...as in texting, going on dates etc but we didn't start getting serious since about Oct or Nov of last yr. She's the first girl I've loved, despite having a few exes of my own.

She went out with a guy for 3 yrs before, but they broke up around 2008. He was about 15 yrs older than her, but she told me that she did love him but that she has no feelings whatsoever for him anymore. Then last wk she told me she kissed him at Xmas. Now we weren't going out but we were getting serious. This doesn't bother me as such, as I kissed someone else at Xmas too. But its just the thought of anyone else kissing her, not to mind sleeping with her, that makes me almost physically sick.

She told me he text her a few wks back but that she told him she was with someone else and happy. I had her phone on a night out and I'm ashamed to say that I checked her msgs. She had told him she was happy with me, but her txts to him were very friendly. Again, its nothing, but it still bothers me.

Then small things like her telling me that she went on a date with a guy before, or telling me that she liked a particular restaurant near where her ex is from when I know she must have been there with him, it all makes me insanely jealous for some reason!

She tells me that she loves me more than him, but the thought of her with another man, even kissing someone else, drives me crazy.

Sorry for the rant!

Ive highlighted 3 bits there,you are jealous for no reason,she kissed someone so did you,did you even tell her you kissed someone?

Distorted

Shurwhynot wrote: »

The thread title might seem like my gf has had a seedy past but that's not the case at all!

Indeed. She sounds just like any other person to me. Unless you go out with a seriously unattractive virgin or someone very, very young, they are going to have some kind of romantic past, are they not?

Shurwhynot wrote: »

But its just the thought of anyone else kissing her, not to mind sleeping with her, that makes me almost physically sick.

"Physically sick"? Calm down. You are totally overreacting. The incident you describe is mildly concerning, but you have received total reassurance over it, you did the same thing, and its in the past. The problem is not what was done in the past, but the fact that you cannot move on or accept that people have led an independent life before meeting you!

Shurwhynot wrote: »

Then small things like her telling me that she went on a date with a guy before, or telling me that she liked a particular restaurant near where her ex is from when I know she must have been there with him, it all makes me insanely jealous for some reason!

That really is unreasonable on your part.

Shurwhynot wrote: »

but the thought of her with another man, even kissing someone else, drives me crazy.

If you are going to go through your life as a jealous control freak, then yes, this is what you will feel like. Have you thought of some kind of behavioural counselling, such as CBT, which might help you deal with normal matters such as you describe above without experiencing such out of control emotions? In purely logical terms, if you don't keep your irrational feelings in check, you are going to torture yourself and anyone who spends time with you and probably cause immense problems in any relationships you enter into.

The problem here is yours, and yours alone.

emzippy

+1 with all other posters.

Sorry to say but it sounds to me like you're just unnecessarily jealous. We all have a "single" past where we've been with people and gone on dates etc. It's just something you're going to have to deal with. You might run the risk of losing this girl if you let your jealousy affect your relationship.

LegacyUser

I think previous posters are posting for the sake of it. They don't understand.

I felt what you felt. I know how it eats you when you're lying down doing nothing and thinking about it all. You want that pure bliss you feel for your girl but it's tinted because you didn't meet her years back and you weren't her first.

It must be normal what you're feeling. I felt it. Try to accept it. I think as time goes by and you settle into your relationship you'll feel more at ease. I talked to my gf about all her ex's, found out how serious they were, got all I needed to know and then admitted to her how I felt. She was similar actually regards my past. We got over it that way. Would you try that?

Ignore the past posts... It's normal, you obviously really feel for the girl...

johnr1

sounderthansoundadvice wrote: »

I think previous posters are posting for the sake of it. They don't understand.
I felt what you felt. I know how it eats you when you're lying down doing nothing and thinking about it all. You want that pure bliss you feel for your girl but it's tinted because you didn't meet her years back and you weren't her first.
It must be normal what you're feeling. I felt it. Try to accept it. I think as time goes by and you settle into your relationship you'll feel more at ease. I talked to my gf about all her ex's, found out how serious they were, got all I needed to know and then admitted to her how I felt. She was similar actually regards my past. We got over it that way. Would you try that?

Ignore the past posts... It's normal, you obviously really feel for the girl...

Utter Bullshit !!

God help you if you truly believe what you've just posted.

Actually, if you truly believed it, you'd log in and put your name to it.


OP, please disregard this rubbish, you have been given excellent advice further up the thread, and I will add my voice to it :

It's common enough for young guys in particular to feel as you do, however, we live a bit, we learn a bit, we cop on a bit, and realise that just as we didnt sit at home waiting for our current girl to magically appear, neither did she. In fact if she did, I'd be seriously alarmed, and so should you:D
Think of it this way, if she wanted the guy/s she was with in the past she could probably go back, cos she's amazing right? Well did you not notice sunshine, that she's now with you, not them, and clearly that shows that you're better, that she loves you more, that she wants to be with you now. Thats the bit you concentrate on.

To the people suggesting counselling, I think thats a bit OTT for most of these situations, and only serves to stigmatise the OP. Yes in severe cases, but this doesent appear to be one, and tbh severe cases of this don't really get cured, they just become worse in my experience.
All this guy needs is a good dose of cop on, - he already has the self awareness which prompted him to post here, a little self-thoughts control would I think sort out his problems.

Best of luck OP.

tinkerbell

OP, you need to get over yourself - she had a life before you and you both kissed other people at christmas. Move on and cop onto yourself. You really just need to get over it. There's no other advice I can give to you - you are not being fair on your girlfriend at all and you could end up driving her away with your unreasonable jealousy.