Future father/mother in law

Ricardo G

Sorry if this is in the wrong section
My future father/mother in law are really irritating me, they are too inquisitive and overly protective of they're daughter (my other half;)). We've been in a relationship for the last 5 years and its been this way since the start. We are expecting our first child in the next 2 months and they are becoming increasingly involved. Don't get me wrong i appreciate they are their to support us but they tend to make me feel very incompitent at times, OH is the youngest of the family and was really smothered as a child through to teenage years. Mother has started buying everything and i mean everything for the baby and putting deposits on prams, cots etc without consulting us and its driving me insane. If things are bad now they can only get worse when our baby arrives:(.
I have subtley said it to my OH that they need to leave us make our own minds up but she see's it as "they are only helping". Father can be as bad and loves to undermine me but in a real subtle way. Its not putting pressure on our the relationship between my OH and I but its secretly driving me crazy.

Any thoughts on how i can approach this ?
Many thanks

LegacyUser

I read about something just like this in the Irish Times recently, here's the link:
http://www.irishtimes.com/newspaper/health/2011/0802/1224301713274.html
I think they gave really good advice on how to deal with smothering in-laws.
Perhaps you could let them know you appreciate their help, but that you'd rather ask for it and get it in ways that you need rather then have them pay for things / buy things without prior consent?
Obviously pass this over with your OH first so you know she's ok with you speaking to them about it?

Ricardo G

Thanks for that.
The constant undermining my capabilities to look after my future family really does depress me at times. I have put up with it for the past 5 years and would really like to address the the issue before our newborn arrives. I'm not the confrontational type and sometimes prefer to bottle things up rather than confront them. We are ok financially and i know we have all the support from both families (my own family take everything in they're stride and have relaxed attitude)

WANTStoWORK

Ricardo G wrote: »

Thanks for that.
The constant undermining my capabilities to look after my future family really does depress me at times. I have put up with it for the past 5 years and would really like to address the the issue before our newborn arrives. I'm not the confrontational type and sometimes prefer to bottle things up rather than confront them. We are ok financially and i know we have all the support from both families (my own family take everything in they're stride and have relaxed attitude)

You say that you are not confrontational and I'd hazzard a guess that your OH's parents have latched onto this, at the same time their little baby is having your little baby and I suppose it is only natural for them to be like this. However you have to draw a line in the sand and tell them that you while you apprecite everything they are doing.... you and your OH want to do things your own way. best of luck with baby.

Toots

I think a lot of problems could (hopefully) be solved with an upfront but polite chat with them. It may not be putting pressure on your relationship now, but your world is going to completely change in the next two months, and it'll be a big adjustment and it could happen that something that's not a huge deal now becomes a real bone of contention.

Discuss it with your OH first of all, I know with her being heavily pregnant you don't want to be burdening her with anything else, but I'm sure she'd prefer to know how you're feeling rather than you dreading the future because of her parents. Explain that while you appreciate their help (maybe not completely but nobody else needs to know that ) you feel that you're missing out on doing things for your baby as a couple, like picking out the cot/pram etc, because they've already done it.

They've already had their family and done all this, and while they probably mean well it's not fair that they're taking the experience away from you. Tell her that now the two of you are going to be a parental unit, you need to make decisions etc independently and not involve her parents, it's fine if she wants to tell them things after the fact but you don't need their input on everything, and the fact that they're so over-involved is making you feel very left out, and is affecting your confidence in your ability to be a parent.

Basically tell her how you feel and ask her to support you in chatting to her parents. I'm sure she knows the best way to approach them without getting their backs up or offending them. It probably won't be pleasant, but seriously this needs to be nipped in the bud now, not when the baby's born and you're both cranky and sleep deprived and they show up on the doorstep yet again and start trying to tell you you're feeding the baby wrong or something. At that stage nerves will be frayed and you might end up losing your cool. If you go in prepared and calm, you'll be able to get your point across much better, and if you do it in a non-confrontational way you're likely to have much more success.

I read that article in the Times a couple of weeks ago and it does have some good tips alright. I can kinda see where you're coming from because my MIL can be a tiny bit interfering, albeit with the best will in the world and nothing near to the extent of your in laws. There were issues around our wedding when we first got engaged (I didn't want the church, this didn't go down well) and now that we have a baby on the way I've heard her ask the hubby once or twice when we plan on baptising it (when I've been out of earshot lol). Also when my sisters in law have had babies, she's been over all the time helping them out, which is grand because that's what they want, but that's not what I want when our baby arrives. I was actually getting really really stressed out about it, because I didn't want to hurt her feelings, but at the same time wanted time for myself and husband to bond with our baby and learn to look after him ourselves.

I ended up having to have a chat with the hubby, and I was dreading it TBH, I was so nervous that he'd be totally against what I wanted needed but I explained to him that I didn't want to be put under pressure to have a christening, it might not be for months so he needs to tell his mother this and support me if she starts asking me about it, also we laid down a few ground rules about visiting. Basically no visitors for the first couple of days after hospital, and then if people want to come up they have to text beforehand to make sure baby isn't being fed or something. It was like a huge weight lifted off my shoulders after we talked.

I know it won't be fun doing it, but really for your own sake you need to sit down and do it, once it's done you'll feel much better. Make sure you have your OH's support, if the two of you approach them together they'll realise that it's not just you being awkward, and will hopefully take on board what you're saying.

Best of luck with everything.