Is this something to be bothered about?

LegacyUser

My boyfriend won a package to participate in a sporting event.
As part of the package he got free hotel b&B for 4 days / nights, and travel expenses paid.
He was allowed to take a partner for free also.
I wanted to go with him but he said he wasnt going to take me and decided to share his room with a guy he knew (not good friends but friends in this sporting field)
so that this guy would not have to pay for his own hotel while he was also at the event.
I was pretty upset that I couldnt go and make a fun trip out of this with him given that it was free
(the trip gave him a lot of free time while he was there as he wasnt going to be participating for all of the days).

But here's my questions...
I accepted that he wouldnt take me, though I was admittedly a little sad about it,
but then he goes to this other city, where a girl happens to live who's a friend of a friend of his that he met only one time before in his life, and asked her out for drinks.

Now I know he happened to be in the city anyway and its not like he went there just to meet this girl, and I know its nice to be friendly, I trust him and know he wasnt interested in her in that way...
But this kinda ticked me off.
He refuses to take me along, which i deeply regretted, and then asks this other girl he barely knows out to enjoy his time there with, even if it was just for one night...

I dont know, kind of made me feel a bit small.
Am I totally being selfish here or would this tick other people off too?

I didnt give out to him about it, and we didnt have a row or anything, but I did express how that kinda got up my nose and he thought i was being crazy and got pretty annoyed so i dropped it.

Im just wondering, is it completely unreasonable to feel a little put out by this?

Kingpin187

Nothing wrong with the not taking you along part... as it makes sense to share with the other guy if going to the same event

Dont know so much about the inviting the other girl out for drinks.. prob nothing sinister about it though, and can understand your concern. Would give him the benefit of the doubt and move on

LegacyUser

Hi and thanks.
Yes I agree that it is acceptable that he not take me, and though I was a bit disappointed that i didnt get to go I was ok about it really- I said ok and accepted it and all was happy.

It was then finding out that another girl he only met once before was asked out by him while he was on the trip, that kinda irritated me.
Maybe i was being completely insane for it to bother me, but i just felt a bit left out I guess... or like another girl was getting to spend time with him there when i wasnt.

I probably was being completely unreasonable and petty to let it bother me tbh, now that i think about it.
I suppose i was in the wrong and should just let it go.

Its not an issue between us or anything, I mean I dropped it with him almost as soon as I mentioned it, but i was left wondering i guess, if i was just being a psycho or not.
I guess i was.

WANTStoWORK

To be honest you have every right to be pi**ed off, he goes away for a few nights and couldn't be arsed to bring you with him.. but instead prefers to share his room with another guy and has a few drinks with a girl he hardly knows (or so he says) he knows he will get away with it because you wont say too much to him, time for the red card.

Maple

I'd be disappointed sure that he hadn't thought to ask me along, a free weekend away is always great, but it's a team-mate (of sorts) who is taking up the space so I wouldn't lose the plot over it. He's just being practical about it rather than selfish.

As for the girl, again I get the fact that it stung but I wouldn't read anything into it either. He's telling you about it, I've been abroad and in cities before and my mates have asked their mates to get in touch with me and show me around or given me their contact details and told me to get in touch with them, there's never been anything untoward about it.

I do get that you're disappointed as it could have been something cool, fun and an ideal opportunity at someone else's expense for you guys to do something but I'd just go ahead and plan something else for you to do.

LegacyUser

I'm quite cynical OP. But this smells to high heaven to me.

He's going off. Says he won a trip, says he's bringing some guy he hardly knows. It just happens to be in a city where this girl that he isn't insterested in 'in that way' that he is going to bring for drinks?

Uh, please.

Curious to know what evidence do you have that;
He won the trip
The supposed other guy is staying in the room

To me it's all too co-incidental. Plus I'd have a serious problem with my OH taking someone of the opposite sex for drinks. Yes, it could be innocent, but from experience, what's the point in putting himself in temptations way? It's inappropriate.

For all you know, it's a bunch of lies and he's off to this other town on a dirty weekend with this girl. Convenient that he hardly knows the other guy so you won't be able to verify his story.

If you are taking this all on trust and his word I would seriously think twice about believing him.

I know I will get flamed here. People will go on about trust, but in my opinion trust is EARNED. If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck then it's a duck.

Distorted

The first thing, about the free hotel stay, in isolation isn't that bad, as many people would use the opportunity to take a friend anyway - its not as if you planned to go away together, although it is a bit mean to leave you behind. The other thing again on its own isn't that bad, but to be honest, I would object to my boyfriend going out for drinks with another girl on his own. I don't care whether other people would find that unreasonable or not.

It all depends on the context of the rest of your relationship and whether you do a lot of stuff on your own quite happily and how serious you are. To me, he doesn't sound serious or committed at this stage. He also sounds a bit selfish. But as I said, it depends on the context of the rest of the relationship.

I know that I wouldn't be able to stop comparing my relationship to how my female friends get treated by their boyfriends though, and I probably would be feeling hard done by if this had happened to me. My friends get taken to luxury hotels by their boyfriends, bought nice presents, have holidays paid for while their boyfriends are working (one just back from Thailand, another got a holiday to India paid for last year). Several of them have had cars bought for them. I know its not all about the money and I live in an affluent area, but your boyfriend didn't have to pay for the holiday he gave to his friend, so I'd be looking to have it made up to me.

Magicmatilda

I have to say I would be annoyed about him meeting another girl for drinks, actually more the inviting her to meet him? Why would he feel the need to do that when he is there with a mate anyway. Now I know that we can all have friends of the opposite sex and both myself and my partner do, but still I would be unhappy with it. Whether or not that's cool, that is how I would feel. I just know it is.

No when I express that unhappiness to my partner I would expect that he would hear my concerns, and do his level best to understand them and explain the situation. After all I think if the tables were turned I think he would be unhappy with the situation too. Not to say he would start an argument or anything but this behaviour would pique his insecurities in the same way it would mine. If i raised my feeling and he got p**ed off, well now that would just be a red flag to me. Why would he get p**ed off at me expressing my feelings. As long as I am expressing them in a calm manner, just saying "that annoyed me". How is that a reason for him to get annoyed. of everything in your post this is what struck me, why did he get so annoyed about you be insecure in a situation that would make a lot of people insecure.

Firetrap

Yeah, I don't think you're being over the top in feeling hurt about this. How long are you going out, as a matter of interest? How did he broach the subject when you told him that you'd like to go but he was going to bring this other guy instead? It just makes him sound rather...I dunno...casual about the whole thing.

LegacyUser

Thanks Cynical Duck but the event was for real and he really did have a guy friend in the room with him, it was all true. I know for 100% sure.

Thanks Magicmatilda.
The same sort of thing has happened a good few times, and he doesnt take me being concerned or irritated very well at all...
He constantly says he wouldnt mind if i did ANY of these things with other guys because he trusts me, but I think there is a line in some cases.
One time he was at another of these events and was out with is friends, drunk at about 3am.
I wasnt there with him, this time he left me behind also.
He actually came 4th in this one so he was pretty happy, as was I.
A couple of days after he got back I asked to use his phone to call someone as I had no credit, so he gave it to me. I didnt get through the 1st time so I hit the "call" button to bring up the last number and call it again and I saw that he had called a girl he had been with romantically (but not actually gone out with) at least ten time, before we were together, so he told me. Called her at about 3am and called her abot 12 times in a row, as on his phone it says the number of calls to that number in just one line, but all were at 0:0 for time, as in he didnt get through and kept calling.
I know who she is as she is part of a wider circle of friends of his, not a close friend, as in he never calls her or texts her or talks to her or sees her really at all. I think hes seen her about 3 times in the last 2 years and that was because she happened to be places he or we were at, not because a meetup was planned.
When I saw the calls I probably went stiff and he asked me what was wrong.
I said "why were you calling Edel at 3am from Nottingham when you were over there, and 12 times?!!"
He immediately got REALLY defensive and angry that I would question it and said he's entitled to call whoever he wants and shes a friend of his and he was happy over coming 4th in the event and wanted to share it with people.
But the thing is I saw from his list that its not like he had been calling loads of people, he called his brother, me and her. This bothered me, a lot!!
But he wouldnt hear of it. He stormed out of the room when I tried to explain this, how it was just her and me and his brother he called.
He just said he wanted to share his news and if I went on about it or mentioned it again there would be war basically.
I was SO upset but at this point with his anger I had to just let it go.
It played on my mind for ages afterwards but i had to just keep it to myself.
Another time an ex of his from his home town called his house phone when we were at his parents house, she wanted to know if he wanted to meet her for a drink.
She was home for the weekend, and isnt usually there much.
At this point me and him were long distance so i only got to see him on weekends too.
He asked me would it be ok if we went tot he pub to meet her and I said I didnt really want to, I wanted to spend the evening with him.
He got angry again, and I tried to explain that it wasnt really my idea of a fun Sat night together when we only have 2 nights a week, to sit in the pub with his ex-gf, esp when we had been out one time before that with her and his other friend and i was kinda left sitting there while he chatted and chatted to her most of the time we were in the pub.
Ive only met her 2 times, once was that time in the pub, the other at a big house party she was at.
He held it against me for ages that he didnt get to see this girl because I had "issues".
He told me I was a jealous freak on occasions. He just wouldnt see my side of it at all.
If we saw each other a lot maybe I wouldnt mind going to the pub to meet an ex of his for a couple of drinks, but our time together was precious and this was not my idea of spending it with him.
Another time we were going through a bad patch, we were still together though, and he was telling me when we talked that he loved me and didnt want to lose me, but the next time I was in his house with him we were sitting on the bed together and I had his laptop and was going to check my facebook, so I went into Facebook and it automatically brought up his account. Im so used to my own laptop doing this cos Im always signed in, so when I was a red flag for a new message i just automatically clicked on it without really thinking, or noticing that it was his account and not mine. He was right next to me.
His emails popped down and I saw an email (emails) from this girl that had been kissing his friend, a foreign girl that was now back in her home country, and who had called him one time out of the blue when i was with him asking if he was around?
He looked awkward on the phone and said no im in Meath with my GF, and that was it.
I asked who was that, he said it was her, and I said, the girl that your friend has been kissing that you barely know, (i saw her on FB through his friends account, pics of them together in a pub)
is calling you asking if you are in town??? And he said yeah I know, its really weird I dont know why she called me.
I then found out after more questioning as to how she had his number, that this weekend when he was with me, she was having a going away house party back in his home town where him and his friend are from, and he couldnt go to it.
I found out through him that she had expressed interest in my BF at another party where they first met and that he had told her he had a GF and that was that.
This was all he ever saw or knew of this girl.
So it baffled and concerned me to learn, that on the bus down to see me, he had got her number and text her of his own accord, so say enjoy the party tonight i cant go to it but i know youre having one and i hope you have a good time etc.
This is why she then called him up, a few hours later, asking if he was in town now (during the day).
Why would he do this, contact a girl he knows is interested in him, when he has no real need to? Isnt this a bit inappropriate?
Anyway back to the emails.
I saw in his list an email from her...
I froze, I think I went a bit white. He said whats wrong?
And I said, what is that? Why are you emailing "X"?
And he just went completely guilty and fessed up, and said that when we had our rough patch he had emailed her and he was really sorry etc etc.
I asked to see the email. In it he called her "you gorgeous s*xy woman", and other things just about where are you now and whats it like to be home.
Needless to say I was sick to my stomach!!
I was so hurt that he would talk to another girl like this over private emails when she really is nothing to do with him.
He said sorry, but that now I either got over it or i dont.
Up to me. Move on and forget it, and never mention it again, or we were over.
I was told I had to NEVER mention it again or he would be very angry, I had to decide to either let it go for good, or decide it was too much and break up.
TO me that was very unfair, as i needed to talk about it a bit more to understand it and get over it and know why this happened when we were still together, but he just started losing the plot anytime i tried to explain this to him.
To this day, i cannot mention her name, or what happened, or even seem like its heading towards any of that stuff about her or he cautions me not to go there!!
I sometimes feel a little bullied in this regard.
Another time he stayed over in London in a room with a girl he was with a few times before and her sister. As far as he told me and i trust him, they werent in the same bed, but in the same room sleeping. That kinda made me a tad uncomfortable but again he wouldnt hear of it.
Anther time a girl who lives in London who we had had a row over in the past because he was going over to house party one morning that was still going on with some of his friends over the road from his house one weekend when I was visiting him, and I wanted to just stay in bed but said no worries you can go over to them, but i said jokingly & trying to be cute- just make sure you come back now, dont let any other girls over there steal you away from me while im asleep over here, and he said, well there's "Y", shes really pretty, but im sure shes already taken so dont worry. He was deadly serious!
I just stopped and the smile fell from my face and i said, huh? And he said, well she is very attractive! I said ok thats not really funny, thats a bit weird, saying but shes probably taken anyway like as if thats the only thing going to stop you from being with her...
He didnt see the harm in what he said at all. He said, Im allowed think other girls are pretty, which is fair enough, i agree with that, but its the way he said it!!
Anyway off he went and left me back at his place and he didnt come back for 3 hours.
I thought he was just going over to see his mates and say hello and hang out a bit and then come back to me but 3 hours of leaving me there in his place on my own was a bit weird, esp after what he said, it felt really strange, but again he got mad when i brought it up.
He just cant handle any criticism at all, or me being at all upset or concerned or annoyed, it doesnt matter how I phrase it or approach it, and hes said TONNES of time, I wont take being given out to!!! I wont stand for it, even when im NOT giving out at all!!!
Its very tiring. He just says, if you give out, im leaving. Or- i wont stay here if youre going to give out.
I cant express anything at all thats not complete happiness with everything he does or he gets annoyed, at me being annoyed... its very frustrating.
I often say, ok, firstly im not giving out, im trying to talk to you, and now youre ACTUALLY giving out, because you think IM giving out... but he doesnt see it.

LegacyUser

Firetrap wrote: »

Yeah, I don't think you're being over the top in feeling hurt about this. How long are you going out, as a matter of interest? How did he broach the subject when you told him that you'd like to go but he was going to bring this other guy instead? It just makes him sound rather...I dunno...casual about the whole thing.

Hi, we are going out 2 1/2 years now.
He just told me I dont want you getting upset, but im not going to bring you im going to share my room with "X". And please, i dont want to get into it with you, so please just accept it.
I said, oh *sad face* but its a free trip and i think it would be great for us to go together, but he just said well im sorry but thats my final decision, please just drop it.

LegacyUser

OP, I think it's interesting that he got so annoyed when you mentioned your issue with the situation. Defensiveness on his part, perhaps? Defensiveness because of guilt, maybe? Maybe not, but something to think about.

Magicmatilda

In light of everything you just posted I would say that this is not a relationship. Its you being there for him but not being allowed to have feelings, thoughts or emotions. He has quite clearly stated that you accept this or leave. You choose to accept it. I wouldn't. I have no idea what you get out of this relationship but obviously you feel you get something.

To be honest it sounds like he has been cheating pretty consistantly over the course you "relationship". I'd love to know on what basis you trust him? Because he tells you that you have to or he will leave? I actually don't believe you do trust him, otherwise you wouldn't even be mentioning all these things here. If you trust him you wouldn't be questioning all this. I suspect that your gut is screaming out that all the indicators are that he has, is, will cheat but you are ignoring it out of fear of losing him.

Its pretty straight forward if you want to stay with him then you put up and shut up. Is that what you want? if it is then stay, if not then leave.

LegacyUser

Sorry, my last long post, i forgot to finish it properly.
The girl he said was really pretty, she lives in London.
He was going to London for a trip and he was going to stay over in her house one of the nights he was there.
He told me that she said she would make dinner at home for both of them the night he first arrived, just the 2 of them having dinner and drinks in her place together.
This again made me uncomfortable but he just got angry when i said so.
Then it happened that one of my friends living over there got engaged and we having their engagement party the same night, so i got myself flights to London as well the same ones he had.
I asked him if he would forgo the night with this girl and stay in my friends place with me instead for the engagement party and he refused, saying he wouldnt let this girl down!
I said youve never met these friends of mine before, she one of my BEST friends and ive met ALL your best friends, but he just outright refused and said he was still staying with this girl he knows from home and having dinner with her.
It took him until we were boarding our place to London to finally say ok, your friends engagement party is more important so ill cancel on that girl and stay with you!
But if it wasnt for the engagement party he would have gone and stayed with this girl and had dinner with her and entertained nothing of my feelings of awkwardness about it.
Maybe its just different for different people and boundaries are different too, but to me this would make me uncomfortable and if my BF was in my position and told me so i wouldnt do it cos id understand...

gargleblaster

You seem to have the patience of a saint. I'd have been gone after the 'gorgeous sexy woman' mails. Wouldn't trust him as far as I can throw him. I'm just not suited to putting up with that kind of refusal to discuss things nor the defensiveness. All kinds of red flags, the worst of which is his refusal to treat communication as important. Good luck to you, I wouldn't put up with that at all.

LegacyUser

Thanks sunflower27.
When he called that girl he was in Nottingham and that girl is in Ireland so it wasnt that he was able to see her, but the calls to this one girl would indicate to me that either he had feelings for her, or, which was my initial thought, that she would THINK he had and thats pretty embarrassing for me.
IF I got that many missed calls from a guy i scored a few times at 3am, i would assume it was something more than just wanting to say hi, and i know id feel sorry for their GF and think it was inappropriate of him.
Thats what gets me.
Its embarrassing for me. She knows I exist and it annoys me to think other girls are getting their egos flattered by a guy thats mine. Whether its innocent or not you know?

I genuinely dont think he's cheated, he just doesnt seem to get these issues i have at all, he thinks im overly jealous or paranoid. He wont even entertain any discussion about them, he'll throw a fit and storm out of the room.
I do trust him that he would never cheat, but I think he puts my dignity at stake a bit by allowing other girls to have these close encounters with him, and perhaps they think they have a chance with him? It would bug me if they thought they had, its a matter of honour, if you get my meaning?

LegacyUser

Thanks Sunflower27. See above post

Firetrap

I'm gobsmacked. I can't think of any other word for it. I can't help but ask what exactly you are getting out of this relationship? He is a nasty piece of work who is nothing short of an emotionally abusive bully. I wouldn't be quite as confident as you that he has not cheated.

His behaviour when you've asked some perfectly legitimate questions is nothing short of appalling. Ask yourself honestly why his standard tactic is to blow the head and storm off? Why does he think nothing of humiliating you, leaving you behind on a night out, contacting these women or speaking to you in such a patronising fashion? Honestly OP, I believe you need to take a very long hard look at what's going on and ask yourself do you really want to stay with someone who's treating you like you've got half a brain and hurts you so often? I'm not one of those people who automatically suggests to someone to dump their OHs but in this case you would be doing yourself and your self-esteem a world of good. He is toxic and will wear you down. That is, if he hasn't done so already.

ceadaoin.

How do you cope with never being able to say what you feel without him totally refusing to engage with you? That would drive me mad! Every issue has been left unresolved by his refusal to talk about them so I don't blame you for dwelling on them.

Sorry but if I were you OP I would cut my losses and go - this isn't a relationship, this is him doing whatever he pleases and not having to answer any difficult questions about it after. I really don't think he is trustworthy at all. Even without all the previous things you mentioned (which were totally inappropriate behaviour), the fact that he didn't want to take you away with him after being together over 2 years speaks volumes.

emzippy

Hi OP,
I just wanna ask is this your first serious relationship? Have you other relationships to compare this to?

Relationships are built on trust, respect and communication and he doesn't seem to be giving you any of these things. I think you need to sit down and have a long hard look at what YOU want. It's easy for us all to say "get rid of him" etc but easier said than done.

I really don't think this guy is right for you though if that's how he's treating you. I really hope you make the right decision for you.

cocokay

i'm gobsmacked. i've never heard of a guy having so many reasons to spend time/stay over with women who aren't his partner! when i read your op i thought, thats fair enough, cause sometimes my bloke gets tickets for gigs etc that i wouldn't really be into so i wouldn't expect him to bring me, he would always ask but i'd rather he go with a friend whos into it etc.
but all this other stuff hes been up to...fool me once shame on u, fool me twice shame on me! he is up to no good and has the audacity to turn it round on u when you get suspicious! maybe try calling an ex urself at 3am, engage in flirty emails with a guy u hardly know on fb and stay over in random guys houses for no real reason & see how he reacts!!

Katgurl

oh come on OP... what exactly are you getting out of this relationship except an ongoing feeling of dread, mistrust, suspicion and humiliation?

Cut your losses and leave now. Trying to solve the puzzle of the extent of his crimes isn't helping. The reality is that this relationship does not make you happy.

I am a friend

You really don't think he is cheating?

Neyite

Well he seems to have his formula off to perfection.

Flirt with other women.
Rub it in girlfriends face.
Wait for her to get upset over it.
Throw a big tantrum.
Girlfriend backs off.
Sorted.
Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

Seriously, why on earth would he change this - its an ideal setup for a creep. And I do think that he has cheated or is doing his damndest to - but by telling about these women you he thinks he is being clever and that you'll never suspect it. Which you dont. But the way he flies off the handle makes me think he is not as clever as he thinks -its far too defensive.

Sorry, I'm with all the others who are telling you to cut your losses.

LegacyUser

emzippy wrote: »

Hi OP,
I just wanna ask is this your first serious relationship? Have you other relationships to compare this to?

Relationships are built on trust, respect and communication and he doesn't seem to be giving you any of these things. I think you need to sit down and have a long hard look at what YOU want. It's easy for us all to say "get rid of him" etc but easier said than done.

I really don't think this guy is right for you though if that's how he's treating you. I really hope you make the right decision for you.

Hi. Yes my 1st boyfriend was long term for 6 years.
That relationship was not like this one.
He never let me down and there was never any problems with other girls.
He himself was a bit jealous though. Not wanting to acknowledge that I had a past with other guys (just kissing, I was a virgin when we started going out)
He wouldnt go out with me to places he knew I had been before we were together as he didnt like thinking i had possibly kissed other guys there.
He used to tell me he was sure I would fancy his brother more than him and id reassure him that no i did not and he was far more handsome. This kind of thing.
Apart from that he was reliable, caring, giving, fun, all the normal stuff.
We broke up because I felt a little trapped. All my life since i hit 18 I was with this guy,
and believe me i loved him, but he was very protective and i felt I needed to live.
He would worry when I went on night out and ask if other guys had hit on me and how many and this kind of thing. We were just both young and not mature enough.
Trust me he was not a psycho or anything and I probably didnt help or talk it all through with him as much as i would do now if I had a partner that had jealousy problems.
When we broke up I lost my bestfriend basically. Worst time of my life.
That was about 4 years ago. Im 28 now.

WANTStoWORK

Is he gay?

LegacyUser

WANTStoWORK wrote: »

Is he gay?

No definitely not!
He has a LOT of girl friends though, but also a lot of guy friends too.
He just doesnt seem to get the whole it bothering your actual girlfriend to be so close / available to other women when you are with them!

johnr1

WANTStoWORK wrote: »

Is he gay?

I'd say that'd be the least of her worries :rolleyes:

Read the whole thread, - it gets better...

LegacyUser

johnr1 wrote: »

I'd say that'd be the least of her worries :rolleyes:

Read the whole thread, - it gets better...

It gets better?
Thats not very nice, now I just feel like you are laughing at me or think this is an entertaining joke or something, its not.
It doesnt get better, not for me, its terrible, I feel really confused right now...

Kimia

My god Op. I am going to be harsh here but what in the name of god are you doing? What are you asking us here? I mean, it's as clear as day that he's an absolute d*ck and brings nothing to the relationship. Beyond the fact that he's more than likely cheating on you, he clearly doesn't give a hen's fart that you know either!

Seriously, scrape together any remnants of dignity you may have left and run for the dam hills!

chicken fingers

Walk away OP. He is a bully and a control freak.
Its clear that he doesn't even like you or respect you one iota

Firetrap

It's telling, OP, that since you furnished us with more information, not one person has suggested that you're over-reacting. From the long posts that you've put on here, it's clear to me that you have put up with an awful lot of krap from your boyfriend and that you are hurt by his behaviour towards you. Understandably. He is treating you very badly yet you keep coming back for more. Why are you continuing to stay with him? Is it the fear of going through again what you went through after losing that other boyfriend you wrote about?

LegacyUser

Firetrap wrote: »

Why are you continuing to stay with him? Is it the fear of going through again what you went through after losing that other boyfriend you wrote about?

Hi and thank you.
Yes I think it is... I told myself I never wanted to go through that pain again.
It was horrendous, and I still do hurt over it sometimes.
Also, I beat myself up over that break up for years.
He was a really great guy and I didnt have much reason to end it other then the fact that I needed to live and do my own thing for a while. Experience more of live.
I didnt have many close friends because my BF was who I spent most of my time with.
All through college I was with him and so I didnt have the normal college experience either.
But when we broke up and he stopped talking to me I just felt "what have I done?".
I agonised over making the wrong decision.
I started to look back and think I was in the wrong to end it, he was better then anyone
I'll ever find again, I should have appreciated it more etc.
So now I try to be less critical or take a step back more when problems come up
for fear of making a bad judgement again and living to regret it.
My current BF doesnt think there is anything wrong with the encounters with his
other girlfriends, except the emails he did say they were wrong, and so when I feel that this is wrong, but he doesnt, I question myself more.
Maybe im wrong you know? Maybe all guys are like this with other girls and its me with the issues? It would just kill me to walk away from someone else and again be living in regret because I know how much that hurts.
Nothing is worse then feeling youve ruined your own chances.
So yeah, im just confused as to whether im too demanding as a GF or not.

Maple

WANTStoWORK wrote: »

Is he gay?

:rolleyes: Infracted for muppetry.

Maple

Firetrap

OP, I just read your other post and it is just reinforcing my opinion that you are staying in this relationship for all the wrong reasons. The mistakes you may or may not have made in your last relationship should not cause you to close your eyes to what is happening in this one. In fact, I would argue that your decision not to be too demanding a girlfriend has turned you into a doormat.

LegacyUser

bit_ticked_off wrote: »

My current BF doesnt think there is anything wrong with the encounters with his
other girlfriends, except the emails he did say they were wrong, and so when I feel that this is wrong, but he doesnt, I question myself more.

But YOU think there's something wrong with his encounters with his girlfriends! You don't trust your own judgement, and prefer to rely on your boyfriend's judgement of the situation. Unfortunately, it's not an impartial judgement on his part because he's having his cake and eating it!

You need time to figure out why you believe your boyfriend (who's treating you appallingly) but find it hard to trust your own judgement. Your self esteem must be on the floor if you can't even trust your own judgement of the situation. To me, looking in from the outside, it's the equivalent of you thinking 'Yes grass is green', your boyfriend comes along and says 'No grass is blue', and then you get confused and start thinking 'Well maybe grass is blue? I'm not so sure now!'. Can you see how ridiculous that scenario is? Well it's not so far removed from the scenario you're in right now unfortunately!

Get out of this sham of a relationship. You are not happy in this relationship, yet you're prolonging it in order to be in a relationship even if it is broken and unequal. You DO NOT NEED to be in a relationship to be happy. But you DO NEED to be certain of your own mind to be happy.

Really, tell this loser to get lost!

i understand your attitude here completely, i went out with a guy for about 6 or 7 yrs, it ended because i wanted it to. but it took an awful lot out of me, and a couple of years to get over it.

now, i try a lot harder than i used to, i am so much more likely to compromise, or leave my own feelings aside for the sake of someone else's.
im not sure why this happened because im a strong person.

i think me and you need to understand that we can try hard and put the effort in but that we still deserve to have our voices heard, our point of view understood.
i think your being far too soft with your boyfriend because you feel responsible for your last relationship break up and you never want that responsibility again. i get it, its horrible, you would actually prefer to be dumped!!! i would anyway!

however, just because you broke up with someone, you do not have to put up with crap.
you do not deserve to be treated like crap.

would you do or say the things he does?? i doubt it very much.
if he doesnt appreciate you, forget him, move on, there is good guys out there, honest.

Kimia

Look OP, it's impossible to respect someone who doesn't respect themselves. He doesn't care what you think about anything, so either change something or live with it. It's probably not what you want to hear but I don't know what else you expect from people.

Zen65

bit_ticked_off wrote: »

So now I try to be less critical or take a step back more when problems come up for fear of making a bad judgement again and living to regret it.

I believe the bad judgement you are making now is to stay in a relationship that is making you unhappy. Your posts here depict a relationship between unequals; this boyfriend makes plans to live life like a single man whenever it suits him, while you are expected to stay quiet about it and never raise the issue.

In reading everything you've posted so far about this relationship I don't see an answer to the question others have posed to you ... "what are you getting out of this relationship"?

This man is very controlling in his actions, and that's very often the early warning sign of an abusive person. It is not to suggest that he would ever be physically abusive, but emotionally abusive certainly.

You are not over-reacting, you are under-reacting. This man knows how to push your "mute" button with his well-chosen angry moments, and you agree to be silent and not speak for yourself. You have chosen not to place a value on your own esteem, your own worth, but have subjugated these feelings of unhappiness for the sake of avoiding the possible regret of a break-up.

Regretting a break-up is a most unpleasant feeling, but it pales in comparison to regretting a relationship. By choosing to remain as the passive and downtrodden girlfriend you are exchanging a weekend of heartache for a lifetime of discontent and misery.



Be at peace,


Z