Too many alarm bells?

LegacyUser

I'm looking for some advice here.

I've been dating my GF for nearly a year now. We met in .ie and both relocated to the US recently (she's from the states and work wanted to transfer me).

Back in January this guy, Mr X, came up in conversation and she said he fell in love with her, assured me nothing ever happened between them, not that I cared as it was in the past.

However a mutual friend of ours told me that they did have a thing and hooked up, so I was a bit miffed by that. I did not care at all what happened between them, but not being honest bothered me.

I confronted her on this and asked why she lied, and she said it was real awkward for her and she pushed it to the back of her mind and forgot about it. Grand I said.

So lately, since we relocated here she is getting texts from 2 male friends, a lot. Like, all day and night. Some times at 2am and stuff. One of the guys she is friends with since she is 9, and the other for a few years - 4 or 5.

So guy Y (friends for 4/5 years) text her the other day and said some stuff that was not acceptable. It was extremely flirtatious, and she told me about it. It annoyed me tbh, but I let it go for a few days.

Guy Z (friends since 9), sent her a text asking why she doesn't send him dirty texts anymore. I didn't go through her phone but I saw this on it when she was texting. So later on I brought this stuff up and said I wasn't too happy with what guy Y was saying to her, given that he knows she's in a relationship. I wanted her to let him know where the boundaries were.

I also asked if she had ever had a thing with guy Z or if they ever sent dirty texts, etc. She denied that and said they never did, which start alarm bells. She lied again.

So right now, she has text both and said she's not the person she was last year and that she has met the love of her life and if they want to remain friends they need to stop all this crap because it's not fair on her or me, and both apologised and said it will stop. She showed me those messages, and she also showed me the message she sent to guy Z responding to the "why don't you send me dirty texts anymore" which
stated she can't do that anymore. I didn't ask to see these, she showed me them of her own accord.

So that's grand. I'm just a bit concerned about the lying on both occassions. In both cases there was no need to do it as I'm really relaxed about this sort of thing - everyone has a history. I accept she will have people hitting on her quite a bit because she is gorgeous, all that I ask is that she lets her friends know where the boundaries are, and if they keep it up even after that then something needs to be done.

Is this too many red flags/alarm bells? I need to be able to trust this girl, and she is 7 years younger than me so maybe it's just immaturity or something?

LegacyUser

Failing to see the problem here since you dealt with it pretty reasonably. There's only a problem if it continues.

Taltos

Does she enjoy the drama of all this or watching you squirm and jump?
I mean - only an idiot would continue to allow "friends" to send texts like this instead of dealing with it.

Maybe she watched too much emmerdale when she was a kid but she needs to grow up. People in respectful relationships do not behave like this unless you believe the media about how some footballer has run off with another hooker.

Maybe sit her down and talk to her - either she can accept that she is behaving more than a little odd and will change it - or maybe you will come to the realization that if it quacks like a duck...

LegacyUser

Thanks guys/gals.

Yeah I think if this sort of thing comes up again I'm done with it. It was dealt with fine and she knows the craic now, however if it happens again or she lies again about insignificant crap, or otherwise, then I can't trust her completely and I won't allow myself to be the guy who doesn't trust his OH.

fungun

I think you dealt with it reasonably but I also think that if she has shown you evidence herself that she lied it is reasonable to ask her why she lied

LegacyUser

fungun wrote: »

I think you dealt with it reasonably but I also think that if she has shown you evidence herself that she lied it is reasonable to ask her why she lied

She had jealous ex bf's, to the extent that one of them tapped her phone (long story), monitored her email, etc, so I guess she's not used to being in a trusted relationship.

I just talked to her about it and she said she hid it from me because she didn't want me to freak out when she had already dealt with it and it was a non issue (she had already actually told one of the guys to stop before I brought it up). To me, that's a bit immature on her part but totally understandable given the crap she had to put up with before.

Benefit of the doubt is given, and I told her to be completely open with me in the future because a collection of 'little white lies' like this will only lead to turning me into the exact person she doesn't want me to be (untrusting).

Thanks for the advice everyone!

chicken fingers

Shes lying. There are so many people in the world, there is no "one" for each person.
Move on.