Mother-in-law problem

green_dub_girl

I am looking for some advice on how to deal with my partners mother. We have been going out for three years and have known each other for much longer than that. We have a really happy and trusting relationship.

However his mother's attitude towards me has always been negative: where i'm from, my looks, my job, how "a lady shouldnt cycle" , the university I studied at etc. etc. Nothing is ever good enough. She suggested recently, that I better watch out that my OH doesn't spot someone else who's better looking or I'll lose him. This stuff is always said when he's not around. Over the past year I have tried to minimise how much I see her, which is tough because I really get on well with the rest of his family.

Recently we moved in together and now the sh1t has hit the fan. I was out for a big family BBQ with his family last weekend and after she'd had a few glasses of wine she started throwing insults, how I stole her son from her and that I never visit with him anymore, it was so awkward and i just froze up. My OH intervened and she laughed and said that I need to just toughen up.

I don't know how to deal with this any more, I have been insulted 100s of times and don't want to fight with her, as it will alienate me from the rest of the family and make things awkward with him. I'm contemplating phoning her, but the idea petrifies me-I might start mumbling or worse, freeze up again.

Sorry for the overly long post-any advise would be great!

Morag

Let him deal with her.
Let him stand up to her and put boundaries in.
She is his mother.

LegacyUser

sounds familiar to my experience. in my case the mil rang me on my mobile and ranted at me i put her on speaker phone so the OH could hear and he couldnt believe it.

in your case at a family gathering she showed her true colours, imo i would sit OH down and explain how her bullying has made you feel and continue to avoid her as much as possible, on the occasions you do have gatherings were she is there are a number of things you might say in responce that wouldnt imo put you in a bad light to the rest of the family such as
-well thats a hurtful thing to say
- thats a very rude thing to say
- I'm going to let that slide because you've had to much to drink
- i am not here to be insulted and if you dont want me here.... (then leave)
- i dont know what i can do for you
- i have tried my best with you but if you are unwilling to be civil your not even meeting me half way
- i want your son to be happy, i dont influence his visiting you, so your out of line ,

dont ring her imo as she may use it against you, twist what you say, and turn other family against you. if you do talk to her the oh has to have a significant role to play in the conversation. and as for her toughen up comment??? wtf like, toughen up for what the school of hard knocks? i dont get that at all, poor you i hope it works out!

green_dub_girl

The things is she is very manipulative, will turn on the waterworks with him saying it's just a laugh and that I am trying to come between their relationship.

He know what she's like but while he will broach the subject with her he would never force it, then she dominates the whole family and they are all quite timid around her.

Taltos

Sharrow wrote: »

Let him deal with her.
Let him stand up to her and put boundaries in.
She is his mother.

If you do anything you will force him to choose or worse.
Sit him down - let him know how and why you are feeling the way you are feeling and tell him you need him to take control here and stop this.

If this is this bad now - what will she be like when children come on the scene? He has a chance now to correct things - if not I am afraid I would have to suggest you reconsider being involved in that family.

Taltos

green_dub_girl wrote: »

The things is she is very manipulative, will turn on the waterworks with him saying it's just a laugh and that I am trying to come between their relationship.

He know what she's like but while he will broach the subject with her he would never force it, then she dominates the whole family and they are all quite timid around her.

Now you are making excuses for your OH.
Stop this - set out what you need - he HAS to deliver it. Having a manipulative parent is a nightmare - but... they only have as much power as you let them have.

If he sits her down and tells her to cop on or he will sever ALL contact - and mean it - well then you should see a change. (I hate ultimatums though).

green_dub_girl

Taltos wrote: »

If he sits her down and tells her to cop on or he will sever ALL contact - and mean it - well then you should see a change. (I hate ultimatums though).

TBH he has said that she will never come between us and has meant it, the ultimatum although could force change could also ruin his relation with his family which is not good either.

You point about reconsidering our relationship while valid in some cases, is hard to justify. I have found a really good man, his only big flaw is his mother, it would seem crazy to throw it away over her insane behaviour. Although thoughts of happy events like marriage and children in the future... her potential loss of control in these cases makes me shudder.

lace

Hi OP!

As other posters have said - sitting your OH down and telling him how this is making you feel is probably the best way to go about it. Let him know that you fully understand how she's going to react and how manipulative she can be, but that you really need this to stop because you don't want it to start to affect your relationship.

Your mother-in-law sounds like the type of woman who will never really warm to you as you're the woman who's "taking her son away from her". I think the best you can hope for is that, once she realizes she's not going to break you two up and your OH is not going to stand for her being disrespectful towards you, she'll stop making such comments to you and instead start to make them behind your back.

tinkerbell

OP, you need to nip this in the bud NOW. Just don't have anything to do with her - if she's being a cow to you just tell her that you're not wasting your time responding to remarks like that and walk away.

Tell your OH that he needs to grow a pair and either stand up to her or else he risks ruining his relationship. Seriously, what is gonna happen if you start a family with your OH? You'll have that evil cow saying rotten things to your children about you and she'll interfere beyond belief into your family life. Sort it out now before it's too late.