Torn and confused!

xXLaneyXx

Im new to posting here but a regular visitor. I'd really love some advice on my relationship problems. Ive been with my BF for over 3 yeards, some of which was great but alot of which was not so good. From the very beginning my BF had a very controlling nature but I mostly seen it was him trying to look out for me but over time it got worse. He began to control what I did, where I went, my money, what I wore and so on. To avoid rows I just went along with it and tried not to think about it too much. Over the last year things got progressively worse and I began to feel belittled in everything I did. Nothing I did was ever right, I did everything I possibly could to keep him happy but it was never enough. I could go into so much more detail but i'm trying to keep this short. Anyway I decided with the help of my friends to confront him and I said I wanted some time alone to decide what I was going to do. That was a month ago and now he is begging me to take him back, that he's changed and didnt realise what he was doing and that he loves me and wants a future together. I really dont know what to do, sometimes I think that maybe he can change but then im afriad if I go back it will just be the same. My mind is tortured over this. I really loved him and did everything I could to make him happy. Im just going through hell right now. Any advice would be so appreciated.

xXLaneyXx

Thanks for your reply Sunflower. No therapy was never mentioned, he says he sees the errors of his ways now and knows that he needs to change. The thing is I just don't know how I feel anymore. He has completely destroyed my self confidence. His abusive language and manner over the last year made me dread going home in the evenings. (living together 1 yr). He came into the house and went around checking to make sure the hse was spotless and that everything was sitting in its right place and if not i was given a mouthful. I was afraid to sit down even for a minute and walked on egg shells when he was in the house. He constantly pointed out that If only I would change he wouldnt get so mad all the time. I
I would not mind so much if I was this terrible GF but i can honestly say there was nothing i didnt do or wouldnt do that would make him happy. I ran around doing all sorts for him and also his family but never given thanks for anything and totally taken for granted. I never raised my voice to him even when I felt like screaming. I just dont feel like the girl i used to be before I met him. I was happy, bubbly and full of confidence but not now.
Because of everything that has happened I dont know if I even like him as a person anymore. I know he's upset right now to and I feel so guilty for that even though he has had me in tears so many times. Sometimes I feel that I miss him, but maybe this its because I was used to being told what to do and when. Now i'm like a fish out of water, I'm so lost and feel so alone.

IrishEyes19

xXLaneyXx wrote: »

Thanks for your reply Sunflower. No therapy was never mentioned, he says he sees the errors of his ways now and knows that he needs to change. The thing is I just don't know how I feel anymore. He has completely destroyed my self confidence. His abusive language and manner over the last year made me dread going home in the evenings. (living together 1 yr). He came into the house and went around checking to make sure the hse was spotless and that everything was sitting in its right place and if not i was given a mouthful. I was afraid to sit down even for a minute and walked on egg shells when he was in the house. He constantly pointed out that If only I would change he wouldnt get so mad all the time. I
I would not mind so much if I was this terrible GF but i can honestly say there was nothing i didnt do or wouldnt do that would make him happy. I ran around doing all sorts for him and also his family but never given thanks for anything and totally taken for granted. I never raised my voice to him even when I felt like screaming. I just dont feel like the girl i used to be before I met him. I was happy, bubbly and full of confidence but not now.
Because of everything that has happened I dont know if I even like him as a person anymore. I know he's upset right now to and I feel so guilty for that even though he has had me in tears so many times. Sometimes I feel that I miss him, but maybe this its because I was used to being told what to do and when. Now i'm like a fish out of water, I'm so lost and feel so alone.

OP, I agree with sunflower, you need a break from this guy, regardless of how much he thinks he has changed. You sound drained and I think a month is far too short for changes to happen. your best bet would be to take time out and mind yourself the time being.

Juicyfruit

xXLaneyXx wrote: »

He has completely destroyed my self confidence. His abusive language and manner over the last year made me dread going home in the evenings. (living together 1 yr). He came into the house and went around checking to make sure the hse was spotless and that everything was sitting in its right place and if not i was given a mouthful. I was afraid to sit down even for a minute and walked on egg shells when he was in the house. He constantly pointed out that If only I would change he wouldnt get so mad all the time. I
I would not mind so much if I was this terrible GF but i can honestly say there was nothing i didnt do or wouldnt do that would make him happy. I ran around doing all sorts for him and also his family but never given thanks for anything and totally taken for granted. I never raised my voice to him even when I felt like screaming. I just dont feel like the girl i used to be before I met him. I was happy, bubbly and full of confidence but not now.
Because of everything that has happened I dont know if I even like him as a person anymore. I know he's upset right now to and I feel so guilty for that even though he has had me in tears so many times. Sometimes I feel that I miss him, but maybe this its because I was used to being told what to do and when. Now i'm like a fish out of water, I'm so lost and feel so alone.

OP, read back over this. Now think to yourself what you would say to a friend who was saying all this to you.

You have been completely ground down by this man and it's obvious in the fact that you are even contemplationg taking him back.

You say yourself that you don't feel like the person you used to be, well now's the time to get that person back.

You say you did everything yo make him happy? What about you OP? Where's your hapiness?

Walk away OP, honestly. People like him never change and this can only get worse, and it will get worse.

It's time to think about yourself now, your happiness, your life. Do you really want to feel like this forever? Cause believe me, if you stay with him you will.

LegacyUser

xXLaneyXx wrote: »

He came into the house and went around checking to make sure the hse was spotless and that everything was sitting in its right place and if not i was given a mouthful. I was afraid to sit down even for a minute and walked on egg shells when he was in the house. He constantly pointed out that If only I would change he wouldnt get so mad all the time.

Run and don't look back, that is really incredibly worrying. I don't think I'd go back even if he had had a lot of therapy. I just wouldn't trust that his protestations of change are anything other than trying to further his control over you by making you come back. No-one should be treated as you have, please run and don't look back.

Maple

Jesus OP, you must be exhausted. God love you. That's a horrible way to have lived and well done for having found the strength to leave him. That was a horribly abusive situation to have existed in, and it was abusive, just because there wasn't violence doesn't make it any less abusive or damaging.

Can he change? Maybe he can, who knows. You know him best. But I really doubt that it's been an instantaneous a change as it seems to be.

At the minute tho OP, you don't have to do anything immediately. You need to focus on yourself and what you want and need right now, it is not for you to worry about him being upset.

You don't have to do anything right now, if you guys are supposed to work out then some time won't harm that. There is a lot for you to process and I'd really advise you talking to some sort of professional if it's at all possible for you to do so. Just even to get help sorting through the mess in your head.

At the minute, do nothing, it's only been a short time, you need to focus on yourself and get yourself centred again.

Best of luck OP, you're a very brave woman and your strength will stand to you.

Miss Fluff

xXLaneyXx wrote: »

He has completely destroyed my self confidence. His abusive language and manner over the last year made me dread going home in the evenings. (living together 1 yr). He came into the house and went around checking to make sure the hse was spotless and that everything was sitting in its right place and if not i was given a mouthful. I was afraid to sit down even for a minute and walked on egg shells when he was in the house. He constantly pointed out that If only I would change he wouldnt get so mad all the time.

First and foremost, well done on leaving this abusive relationship. It took courage and strength and you obviously have good friends to support you.

You absolutely cannot contemplate getting back with him. You're only with him a short space of time and his behaviour has gotten progressively worse. After a mere three years he has turned into this monster. Can you imagine after six years or nine years what he'd be like?

A lot of domestic violence starts with controlling behaviour and abusive language. You're lucky enough to be able to escape before it escalates to that. Run and don't look back. Tell him never to contact you again and work on getting back to being that bubbly confident girl you were before you met him. If you get back with him he will ruin your life, that's a given.

xXLaneyXx

Thanks so much for all your replies, I suppose i've put up with so much over the last couple of years that I sometimes think I'll get over this too and it'll all be ok again for another while. I'm the kind of person that tries to maybe see the good in people more than the bad and I can see myself looking back at the good times now and start to panic on whether I'm doing the right thing. I thought so much of him for so long, but now I'm just so sad that It's all come to this.
Before we got together I had been with someone else who was my world, we had gotten engaged and started planning our new house only for him to end up running of with an 18 year old. When i got together with my current (ex) BF i was just that determined to make it work that I pushed all the bad aside for a long time hoping everything would improve. In the end up I was pushed to the limit and couldn't take any more.
He's so upset that i've left and so are his family who looked towards me as their daughter and sister. I just feel under so much pressure from them all to give it another chance.
It sometimes feels easier just to give in.

Miss Fluff

xXLaneyXx wrote: »

Before we got together I had been with someone else who was my world, we had gotten engaged and started planning our new house only for him to end up running of with an 18 year old. When i got together with my current (ex) BF i was just that determined to make it work that I pushed all the bad aside for a long time hoping everything would improve. In the end up I was pushed to the limit and couldn't take any more.

You poor thing. I guess you are realising now that love is NOT a trade off though aren't you? By that I mean that in return for love you don't have to put up with bad behaviour in return. You deserve so much better than that. Someone who really loves you will make you feel like the most loved and desired person on earth. They won't belittle you and rob you of your confidence. You shouldn't "make do" because you've been burned in the past m'dear.

Forget any pressure from him or from his family. It'll be you and you only who has to put with the abuse and bad behaviour if you are to reunite. They won't be there in the background when he starts telling you what you are and aren't allowed to wear and when he starts calling you disgusting names again will they? Because if you get back with him you'll be going back to his bad behaviour.

Of course he's "upset". He's a master manipulator. He's "upset" because you're not under his control anymore.

I appreciate that the above makes me sounds like a misandrist. I'm not, on the contrary. But I've been on PI too long and seen too many threads and have met too many people along the way in real-life to know that when someone who demonstrates this behaviour only a few years into a relationship rarely, if ever, turns a corner and becomes a better person.

Stay clear hon.

Magicmatilda

The easy thing is not always the right thing. This is one of those instances.

You owe his family nothing, you may like them, they may be lovely people but you need to look after you. If they are contacting you and pressurising you then explain to them what a bully he was. How he would check your cleaning to make sure it was to his standard etc.. I'm sure there is so much more that you haven't said. Be prepared they may think this is OK. For me it would not be, I choose not to live in hell. Thats what your relationship sounds like, hell.

I suspect that you are suffering from low self esteem. Constantly trying to make him happy, that is not your job, you cannot make anybody else happy, equally nobody can make you happy. We all are responsible for our own happiness and we are responsible for how we allow people to treat us. If you go back you are telling him and his family that it is ok to treat you as he has been. It is not.

I don't for a second believe he has changed. His issue are too deep rooted to have changed that quickly. He will need help to change his controlling tendancies. Much more likely he will continue to get worse until the abuse if physical, in addition to the emotional, mental and financial abuse he has inflicted on you. He may not get violent, not all controlling men do, but he may, especially after he has broken you down even more by getting you back.

I really really don't think you should entertain him. I think you should ignore any contact he tries to make. tell him you need space and to leave you alone, if he respects you he will do this. You need to surrond yourself with people who are good to you and for you. Have you family of your own? can they support you? What about your friends?

xXLaneyXx

Magicmatilda wrote: »

The easy thing is not always the right thing. This is one of those instances.

You need to surrond yourself with people who are good to you and for you. Have you family of your own? can they support you? What about your friends?

Thanks for your post Magicmatilda! I have a fantastic family but I live away from home and don't see them very often. My friends have been great to but I don't like to burden people with my trouble, I tend to try and deal with problems myself. I think I know what I need to do but I just feel completely worn out by the whole thing and no energy left.

We also still have some ties money wise and I dread having to sort all that out in case it gets nasty. My car was sold so that he could buy a flashier car with the money from mine and some of his own. This car is now in his name which leaves me with nothing. I was also coherced into spending money on the house we had on furniture and so on. Its things like these that are still hanging over me.
I can't begin to tell you what the last 2 mths have done to me. Sleep and appetite have disappeared out the window. I just wish somone could pluck me out of my situation right now and set me down somewhere 6 mths from now and everything will be ok.

xXLaneyXx

Thanks again everyone for your replys and advice. It really helps to see other peoples perspective on the whole thing.

xXLaneyXx

sunflower27 wrote: »

What a charmer he is getting you to sell your car and getting a flashier one for himself.

Yes, it will be tough sorting it all out but it is a damn sight better than going back with this guy and spending your life miserable always trying to live up to his unrealistic expectations.

We haven't even discusssed the car and other things yet.
He's expecting me to get over this, I don't know what else I can say to make him understand what he's done and that I can't just "get over it" and carry on. I hate to see him cry, even after everything I still care about him but I cant seem to get the words together to make him see that I need to be on my own now.

trio

Jaysus, you must be shattered. What an exhausting and soul-sucking relationship you got yourself out of.

I'm immensely proud of you for getting out, that showed real guts, even though you must feel like you're walking around with guts made of water right now.

Everyone else has spelt out the truth, that this guy was changing you too much. But what struck me the most reading your brief account, is that it honestly sounded like he was more your Dad than your boyfriend.

And a mean cantankerous contemptuous Dad at that - not even a nice one.

You can't have a relationship with someone who acts like a Bad Dad. You're an adult.

To be honest too - I'd stop answering his calls now. You've broken up - you're only giving him hope that it'll all be ok and swept under the carpet if you keep up contact. It's not fair on either of you. And it may be easier to think clearly if you don't speak to/text him for a while.

Magicmatilda

If it is at all possible for you to get away for a few days then you should do that. Can you go to your home place for the weekend or something like that. This really should be a prioroty I think. You need time away to think without him contacting you.

As for the money, you probably won't be able to prove that you have a share in the car, furniture etc, if I were you I would cut my losses and let my bad luck got with it. As someone else said it is money and you can make more.

I can only imagine how exhausted you are. Are you still living in the house with him? Where are you staying? You should go home this evening and switch off your phone and go to bed. You need your energy so try your best to start eating and sleeping again. Also maybe make a list of the hopes and dreams you had for yourself before you met this guy (and the guy before). Now you can start achieveing these things.

There is a saying from Albert Camu that says "in the depths of winter I found within me an interminable summer" - You are going through a rough time but if you can focus on the wonderful, bright future ahead, you will find the strength within you to get through it.

Keep looking at the replies here to keep your strength up.

xXLaneyXx

Magicmatilda wrote: »

I can only imagine how exhausted you are. Are you still living in the house with him? Where are you staying? You should go home this evening and switch off your phone and go to bed.

No I've left and moved into a friends who had a spare room in her house. I dont really care so much about the money put into the house but I dont feel that i should be left without a car that I worked hard for and paid for. Time might sort those things out, maybe he can be amicable about it. The replies have all really helped so much. As i said I keep looking back at some of the good times and no the bad. its the bad I need reminded of to stop me back tracking.

Esoteric_

Oh, you poor thing *hugs*

I really know how you feel. I was in an abusive relationship for a few years also, that slowly got worse and worse. I dumped him a few times and was convinced each time that he had changed and that things would get better, but they never did. They changed for a week or two and then back to his old ways. I eventually got the strength to leave. It took every single ounce of courage I had, and it shattered me. In the end, counselling really helped me and I moved on in time.

I'm now seeing a man I absolutely adore and am so happy. Like a previous poster said, loving someone should make you feel happy, raise your confidence and you should feel special. I can tell you now that you will NEVER feel that way with this man, and when you find the right person, you WILL feel that way. It was a complete shock being in a happy relationship, so much so that I got scared and insecure and paranoid, convinced things were going to go wrong, but they didn't. They're still going great and I'm happier than I've ever been. That is what you're missing out on by being with this man.

Run, and never look back. You deserve so much better, you deserve to be happy, adored and worshipped.

Neyite

OP,

Some years ago, I was where you were, and I read a book called "Into the Light" by Leslie Cantrell, given to my by a counsellor in a Womans Refuge. It was the best read of my life - it literally gave me the knowledge to change my life for the better. Forever. Its available online or ebay if you do a search for it.

Some of it was reproduced here:You may find it helpful to print it off to re-read it. I hope you find it helpful.
http://lancaster.ne.gov/attorney/pdf/silence.pdf

You may be reading this link and saying to yourself "thats not me, thats not him, he's nice" but, if you find yourself identifying with any of the stories you will see him for what he truly is. Glimpses of him being sorry are not the whole person. The whole person is the one that checks up on you, who treats you badly. They dont change. But you have done the hardest step, leaving - breaking that connection.

If you call a refuge, you might be able to arrange to speak to a counsellor. You dont need a broken jaw and black eye to go to them - sometimes we break inside and they can really help you. My ex never slapped/punched me, but it was abuse all the same.

xXLaneyXx

LyndaMcL wrote: »

Oh, you poor thing *hugs*

I really know how you feel. I was in an abusive relationship for a few years also, that slowly got worse and worse. I dumped him a few times and was convinced each time that he had changed and that things would get better, but they never did. They changed for a week or two and then back to his old ways. I eventually got the strength to leave. It took every single ounce of courage I had, and it shattered me. In the end, counselling really helped me and I moved on in time.

I'm now seeing a man I absolutely adore and am so happy. Like a previous poster said, loving someone should make you feel happy, raise your confidence and you should feel special. I can tell you now that you will NEVER feel that way with this man, and when you find the right person, you WILL feel that way. It was a complete shock being in a happy relationship, so much so that I got scared and insecure and paranoid, convinced things were going to go wrong, but they didn't. They're still going great and I'm happier than I've ever been. That is what you're missing out on by being with this man.

Run, and never look back. You deserve so much better, you deserve to be happy, adored and worshipped.

Im so glad you were able to move on and find someone that makes you so happy. I really hope I can move on from this soon and start living life again because at the moment it just all feels so surreal and I can't begin to picture what life will be like away from him. I worry that I wont be able to cope and end up going back to what i find familiar.
I suppose It all feels like such a waste of almost 3 and a half years that nothing good came of it. Time will tell and i'm just going to have to gather myself up and keep going. What will be will be as I'm told.
I've just got word to day that I've been promoted to a new position and I'll have to move to where I'm being posted so maybe that will take my mind of things for a while, God willing.

Esoteric_

xXLaneyXx wrote: »

Im so glad you were able to move on and find someone that makes you so happy. I really hope I can move on from this soon and start living life again because at the moment it just all feels so surreal and I can't begin to picture what life will be like away from him. I worry that I wont be able to cope and end up going back to what i find familiar.
I suppose It all feels like such a waste of almost 3 and a half years that nothing good came of it. Time will tell and i'm just going to have to gather myself up and keep going. What will be will be as I'm told.
I've just got word to day that I've been promoted to a new position and I'll have to move to where I'm being posted so maybe that will take my mind of things for a while, God willing.

Instead of thinking that nothing good has come of it, plenty of good will come with ending it. You'll be more experienced, braver and more able to recognise a bad relationship having already been in one. Not to mention, getting past this will show you just how strong you are and getting away will boost your confidence. I wish you huge luck and success in your new job, and I hope that's the boost you need to back away from this man and never go back. You WILL be as happy in a relationship as I am, just not with this man.

xXLaneyXx

LyndaMcL wrote: »

Instead of thinking that nothing good has come of it, plenty of good will come with ending it. You'll be more experienced, braver and more able to recognise a bad relationship having already been in one. Not to mention, getting past this will show you just how strong you are and getting away will boost your confidence. I wish you huge luck and success in your new job, and I hope that's the boost you need to back away from this man and never go back. You WILL be as happy in a relationship as I am, just not with this man.

Thanks for your encouraging words LyndaMcL,they've really helped. Maybe i'll be able to come back on here in a month or two's time in a better, happier place than I'm in now.

Sleepy

If you needed your friends for support to have an honest discussion with your boyfriend, the relationship isn't worth having tbh.

xXLaneyXx

Well here I am back after almost a month from my last post. Things got progressively worse since but are not maybe somewhat on the up. I had to deal with alot of hassle from his family and friends. I've been accused of being heartless and cruel for leaving my "poor" ex so abruptly and without reason!!! Rumours are rife recently about why I left. I've had to change my mobile number and try and distance myself from the area we once lived. The accusations really took effect on me and made me feel so guilt ridden and the thought of people talking about me and saying those things really upset me especially when I didn't do anything wrong. I've been to see a councillor to help me get through this tough patch. She has been excellent. I'm still feeling somewhat out of sorts learning to live alone again but that will just take some time. Hopefully things can improve day by day.

xXLaneyXx

I just find it very hard to cope with people talking about me and saying things behind my back. I always took pride in the fact that I could honestly say that I did right by people as best I could. I find it very difficult to cope with people thinking bad of me.:(
I suppose its just something that I'm going to have to live with. maybe if people knew what I had to live with the last 3 years they would understand a bit better but I don't want to start into all that. For now I'm going to be the worst in the world unfortunately.

catch me if you can

please dont go back. imagine how you would be trapped with him and with children. him controlling all of you. dont risk it. if he changes good for him but please dont entertain him for even one second more.

carlybabe1

xXLaneyXx wrote: »

Thanks for your reply Sunflower. No therapy was never mentioned, he says he sees the errors of his ways now and knows that he needs to change. The thing is I just don't know how I feel anymore. He has completely destroyed my self confidence. His abusive language and manner over the last year made me dread going home in the evenings. (living together 1 yr). He came into the house and went around checking to make sure the hse was spotless and that everything was sitting in its right place and if not i was given a mouthful. I was afraid to sit down even for a minute and walked on egg shells when he was in the house. He constantly pointed out that If only I would change he wouldnt get so mad all the time. I
I would not mind so much if I was this terrible GF but i can honestly say there was nothing i didnt do or wouldnt do that would make him happy. I ran around doing all sorts for him and also his family but never given thanks for anything and totally taken for granted. I never raised my voice to him even when I felt like screaming. I just dont feel like the girl i used to be before I met him. I was happy, bubbly and full of confidence but not now.
Because of everything that has happened I dont know if I even like him as a person anymore. I know he's upset right now to and I feel so guilty for that even though he has had me in tears so many times. Sometimes I feel that I miss him, but maybe this its because I was used to being told what to do and when. Now i'm like a fish out of water, I'm so lost and feel so alone.

Get your nikes on and run like the wind girl, cause he hasnt changed and wont, unless you're looking at for the worst. These are the first steps in an abusive relationship, and he has already dissolved your confidence and happiness. You done yourself proud to break away, but dont forget, people like him are master manipulators, and knows just how to push your buttons, so PLEASE remember, the begging, the tears, the promises of how hes changed are LIES, he's telling you what he thinks it is you want to hear, so that he can get you back. Then he has his own little emotional punch bag to make him feel good about himself when he has a shlt day at work.
As for people thinking badly of you OP, I can guarantee they know what he's all about, but because the too are being manipulated by him, they will pat his back and nod in fake agreement.
What you should really think about when you feel your resolve weakening is this,
What kind of reward did he get when he was belittling you, and putting you down, and making you cry?? Cause he was getting something from it, and it was obviously a pleasing thing because if he was uncomfortable upsetting you, he would have stopped.
Have a look on google about it, and see if anything ticks the boxes

Esoteric_

Hey there, I'm so glad you came back to tell us how you're doing!

Firstly, I'm extremely proud of how you've been doing since the break up. It takes so much effort to keep going, especially when people are talking about you.

I know it hurts and is upsetting that people are bitching, but just remember - only you and he know why you guys broke up, everyone else is just speculating and being nasty, and why would you want the good opinion of such nasty people anyway?

I'm really glad you're seeing a counsellor, they can be a fantastic help if you stick with it. It's only been a month, so things are still gonna be raw and painful for you, but you sound like you're doing all the right things, so give it a little more time and you'll adjust and start to feel like yourself again. Good luck again, and I'm delighted that you're getting your life on track again x

Zen65

xXLaneyXx wrote: »

He constantly pointed out that If only I would change he wouldnt get so mad all the time.

Hi Op,

The above quote from your post stands out for me. People who think like this rarely ever change, and certainly not in a month.

If you go back, he will revert to the way he was, but worse.

I strongly urge you to stay away and move on.


Be at peace,

Z