Help! My sexual quagmire

terrlobe

Sorry in advance for this rather lengthy thread.
I'm in my late 30s, still a virgin and crave intimacy & sex with someone. It's spilling over into so many different areas of my life that the adverse effects are palpable.
Since i was a boy i've always been extremely shy and due to a slight disability from birth i've a complex about my body which i hide but which doesn't hamper me from living a normal life. To work colleagues and friends i'm a socially awkward guy who is grumpy & unpleasant by nature and chooses to interact socially with few. People have told me i'm either lacking in self-awareness with poor social skills or just quirky and a bit crazy.
I've been seeing a counsellor for a number of years who helped me realise how angry i had been and encouraged me to take on various pursuits outside of work to build up my confidence - that's been good. The emotional issues though remain and the anger i feel towards people is a major block although i'm much more aware of it than before.
My first kiss was with a girl when i was 18 and afterwards fondling/some sexual contact. Since then i probably only kissed one other girl in my teens and during my 20s & 30s i only recall kissing two other girls. I've been told that i'm very handsome and I've been hit on by both guys & girls over the years but my self consciousness rendered me incapable of reading the signals and i pushed people away. Getting in a space where i'm comfortable talking with someone intimately and they are comfortable i'm not weird is unchartered territory to me.
When i underwent puberty i did find all my male teachers more attractive than the female ones which got me thinking i might be gay. My sexual fantasises though range from hetero (involving other people) to gay but more often than not it's some attractive guy i know having sex with a girl and strangely i'm experiencing the encounter (i don't believe i have any desire to change my gender). The common denominator is i rarely see myself as sexual in my fantasies and i doubt my ability to perform, coupled with my anxiety around sexual identity. In the last few years i visited a number of gay saunas, one was abroad where i did have sexual contact with a guy. I've visited a few more saunas since but nothing happened. In the back of my mind i still would like to have kids but the emotional turmoil i feel is so much like an affliction that i think i'll never find answers to the questions i'm trying to figure it out.

Thank you for reading, and for your consideration in replying.

baby and crumble

Sorry that you're having a rough time- but what do you need guidance or advice on? Or did you just need a space to get it all out on paper, as it were?

terrlobe

baby and crumble wrote: »

Sorry that you're having a rough time- but what do you need guidance or advice on? Or did you just need a space to get it all out on paper, as it were?

I'd like advice on what to do to move forward to a point where i'm sexually active.

Aishae

terrlobe wrote: »

baby and crumble wrote: »

Sorry that you're having a rough time- but what do you need guidance or advice on? Or did you just need a space to get it all out on paper, as it were?

I'd like advice on what to do to move forward to a point where i'm sexually active.

Theres not much I or possibly anyone can advise, that most people wouldn't say. You have to get out there. Doesn't have to be pubs. Lots of people meet others via friends of friends.
There's activity clubs too - not just sports stuff. There's even reading groups etc.

Some people just naturally have more confidence so this is something you could think about. Self esteem is also closely tied to confidence. You can talk to friends and family and try to discover why you've held back and work on feeling better about yourself if you need to.

One thing that may help: going into a situation thinking 'I wanna find someone for some sex' won't really help. As being relaxed is attractive in itself. There's too much pressure on yourself when you worry about where things will or won't go.

Good luck OP

TylerIE

The Gay Mens Health Service offer a few workshops.

The Personal Development Course (PDC) may really be of great use to you.

Its a safe environment to discuss and explore some issues surrounding your sexuality, and a lot of people there will be in a similar position to you.

Its also a chance to meet people too - a few people I know started out exploring "the gay community" at these and developed firm friendships. This includes some people who really needed a safe and discreet environment for either personal or professional reasons.

It takes place in Outhouse, the LGBT community Centre in Dublin so a coffee can be had away from a pub before/after....

Contact details at this page.

Mango Salsa sometimes posts info on this site coming up to the courses.

terrlobe

lst wrote: »

The Gay Mens Health Service offer a few workshops.

The Personal Development Course (PDC) may really be of great use to you.

Its a safe environment to discuss and explore some issues surrounding your sexuality, and a lot of people there will be in a similar position to you.

Its also a chance to meet people too - a few people I know started out exploring "the gay community" at these and developed firm friendships. This includes some people who really needed a safe and discreet environment for either personal or professional reasons.

It takes place in Outhouse, the LGBT community Centre in Dublin so a coffee can be had away from a pub before/after....

Contact details at this page.

Mango Salsa sometimes posts info on this site coming up to the courses.

thanks for this. seeing as i don't know yet if i am gay, will this matter?

TylerIE

terrlobe wrote: »

thanks for this. seeing as i don't know yet if i am gay, will this matter?

If your anywhere in the spectrum where there is some same sex attraction/fantasies and are willing and able to respect others who are gay / lesbian / questioning or trans then I am sure you would be welcome. (There wont be any women in the group but respect for all LGBT individuals is vital)

Some of the other people there would be exploring their sexuality also.

terrlobe

lst wrote: »

terrlobe wrote: »

thanks for this. seeing as i don't know yet if i am gay, will this matter?

If your anywhere in the spectrum where there is some same sex attraction/fantasies and are willing and able to respect others who are gay / lesbian / questioning or trans then I am sure you would be welcome. (There wont be any women in the group but respect for all LGBT individuals is vital)

Some of the other people there would be exploring their sexuality also.

based on info provided, has anyone any thoughts about what my actual sexuality is?

Caiseoipe19

My view: Don't be so desperate to put labels on yourself...homosexual, bisexual, heterosexual etc...they're just labels at the end of the day. It seems to me that you seek a label so that you will know what/who to look for that will make you happy. Why not try meeting different people, see what feels right for you and only then put a label on yourself, if you feel the need.

Peter147

Your as gay as Christmas . Now go out and enjoy yourself . Don't complicate things in your head . Deep down you know what you want . Enjoy and free yourself from your questions .

terrlobe

Peter147 wrote: »

Your as gay as Christmas . Now go out and enjoy yourself . Don't complicate things in your head . Deep down you know what you want . Enjoy and free yourself from your questions .

gay as christmas... how do you figure that? i have poor self awareness which i freely admit so can't see what's obvious to you.

floggg

I don't think they were being serious.

The point is that the label one might apply to you is irrelevant. We can tell you that you are gay or straight but what difference does it make if its not truly how you feel.

Ultimately you need to figure out who or what you are attracted to. That may require you to try and meet men and women and see which excites you more.

I wouldn't approach it in terms of just having sex alone though. There is so much more to attraction and sexual orientation than that. You should be trying to meet people and see where it goes.

At the very least if you go out anywhere with the attitude that you just want sex without taking an interest in the person themselves, you'll find it very hard to meet anything very fulfilling, whether sexually or emotionally.

terrlobe

floggg wrote: »

I don't think they were being serious.

The point is that the label one might apply to you is irrelevant. We can tell you that you are gay or straight but what difference does it make if its not truly how you feel.

Ultimately you need to figure out who or what you are attracted to. That may require you to try and meet men and women and see which excites you more.

I wouldn't approach it in terms of just having sex alone though. There is so much more to attraction and sexual orientation than that. You should be trying to meet people and see where it goes.

At the very least if you go out anywhere with the attitude that you just want sex without taking an interest in the person themselves, you'll find it very hard to meet anything very fulfilling, whether sexually or emotionally.

Thanks. Meeting people is difficult cuz I cannot reach out to them and end up sulking and pushing them away.

mr.mickels

terrlobe wrote: »

I'd like advice on what to do to move forward to a point where i'm sexually active.

I don't think you're gay, just frustrated, hence the anger at others.
You just need to relax, stop taking yourself so seriously and lose your fears, or face your fears if you prefer to put it that way. Just push yourself to ask a nice girl out, if she says no you will find another, be calm and if it comes to sex forget any worries, if you fail to perform its no big deal really, you have built it up as some huge obstacle but if you simply relax and go for it you may surprise yourself. Be a man, take your courage in your hands and go for it, most likely it will all work out favourably for you if you are relaxed and sincere. Don't underestimate yourself, and no need to feel anger towards others, that is probably just a shield of some sort you use to prevent a rejection or failure. You are too old for such behaviour and attitudes. Give people a chance, you will find most girls are nice if you stop sulking and pushing them away.
And consider this, if you are sulking why would any girl be attracted to you, its got to be mutually beneficial. What is she going to want froma sulker, and why sulk. The world is a wonderful place if you decide it is, people are mostly wonderful if you decide they are, and you will find most people respond in kind to your own attitude. Consider the simple but so true old phrase, "Smile and the world smiles with you". You will find relations with other people very rewarding, if only you consider approaching them with a positive attitude. Relax, smile, be positive and don't make a huge deal out of the sexual side, it will happen in due time with the right girl, and you will wonder why you waited so long to overcome yourself.
People are sociable animals and meeting them is a whole lot easier than you realise, its all about attitude.

Conor30

terrlobe wrote: »

based on info provided, has anyone any thoughts about what my actual sexuality is?

Do you masturbate? What do you think about when you do that?

terrlobe

Conor30 wrote: »

terrlobe wrote: »

based on info provided, has anyone any thoughts about what my actual sexuality is?

Do you masturbate? What do you think about when you do that?

Yes, and I fantasize about both homosexual and hetero liaisons... I'd say 90% of the time it's hetero with my role the lady

Conor30

terrlobe wrote: »

Yes, and I fantasize about both homosexual and hetero liaisons... I'd say 90% of the time it's hetero with my role the lady

OK, so 90% of the time, you imagine yourself as the woman in a woman-man sexual encounter? If that's the case, then I'd propose that you're gay and that you fantasize about being a 'bottom'. When it comes to porn, I prefer hetero porn myself, even though I'm a gay man. Sometimes I've even fantasized about being the woman! lol

terrlobe

Conor30 wrote: »

terrlobe wrote: »

Yes, and I fantasize about both homosexual and hetero liaisons... I'd say 90% of the time it's hetero with my role the lady

OK, so 90% of the time, you imagine yourself as the woman in a woman-man sexual encounter? If that's the case, then I'd propose that you're gay and that you fantasize about being a 'bottom'. When it comes to porn, I prefer hetero porn myself, even though I'm a gay man. Sometimes I've even fantasized about being the woman! lol

That's interesting. I sometimes do fantasize being bottom but in reality I don't think I'd try it as it would be painful... Sometimes I wish I could make a vagina appear as if by magic underneath the scrotum

Conor30

terrlobe wrote: »

That's interesting. I sometimes do fantasize being bottom but in reality I don't think I'd try it as it would be painful... Sometimes I wish I could make a vagina appear as if by magic underneath the scrotum

Fair enough but the point is that's what you fantasize about! Therein lies the reason why I'd say you're probably gay. You're fantasizing about being with a man, irrespective of whether you're giving or receiving!

By the way, it's not even sore either!

terrlobe

Conor30 wrote: »

terrlobe wrote: »

That's interesting. I sometimes do fantasize being bottom but in reality I don't think I'd try it as it would be painful... Sometimes I wish I could make a vagina appear as if by magic underneath the scrotum

Fair enough but the point is that's what you fantasize about! Therein lies the reason why I'd say you're probably gay. You're fantasizing about being with a man, irrespective of whether you're giving or receiving!

By the way, it's not even sore either!

Problem is I can't see myself emotionally connecting with a guy... The female spirit is more attractive to me. Sexually though I do find guys appealing so I'm hoping this attractive will go away once I boost my self confidence/esteem.

Conor30

terrlobe wrote: »

Problem is I can't see myself emotionally connecting with a guy... The female spirit is more attractive to me. Sexually though I do find guys appealing so I'm hoping this attractive will go away once I boost my self confidence/esteem.

Gay guys often get along well with girls and sometimes even better than with others guys. How do you know you can't connect well emotionally with a guy?? How old are you by the way?

terrlobe

Conor30 wrote: »

terrlobe wrote: »

Problem is I can't see myself emotionally connecting with a guy... The female spirit is more attractive to me. Sexually though I do find guys appealing so I'm hoping this attractive will go away once I boost my self confidence/esteem.

Gay guys often get along well with girls and sometimes even better than with others guys. How do you know you can't connect well emotionally with a guy?? How old are you by the way?

Well I don't know for sure. I'm confused but don't feel comfortable sexually. In my thirties.

terrlobe

Conor30 wrote: »

terrlobe wrote: »

Problem is I can't see myself emotionally connecting with a guy... The female spirit is more attractive to me. Sexually though I do find guys appealing so I'm hoping this attractive will go away once I boost my self confidence/esteem.

Gay guys often get along well with girls and sometimes even better than with others guys. How do you know you can't connect well emotionally with a guy?? How old are you by the way?

Define what you mean by connecting emotionally with a guy?
Anonymous sex is one thing but I can't get my head around being in a sexual relationship with a guy... alarm bells ring, which leads me to believe it would be a mistake to try

terrlobe

Conor30 wrote: »

terrlobe wrote: »

That's interesting. I sometimes do fantasize being bottom but in reality I don't think I'd try it as it would be painful... Sometimes I wish I could make a vagina appear as if by magic underneath the scrotum

Fair enough but the point is that's what you fantasize about! Therein lies the reason why I'd say you're probably gay. You're fantasizing about being with a man, irrespective of whether you're giving or receiving!

By the way, it's not even sore either!

I'm going to meet a guy off the Internet tomorrow just for a drink to see how it goes.

terrlobe

terrlobe wrote: »

Conor30 wrote: »

terrlobe wrote: »

That's interesting. I sometimes do fantasize being bottom but in reality I don't think I'd try it as it would be painful... Sometimes I wish I could make a vagina appear as if by magic underneath the scrotum

Fair enough but the point is that's what you fantasize about! Therein lies the reason why I'd say you're probably gay. You're fantasizing about being with a man, irrespective of whether you're giving or receiving!

By the way, it's not even sore either!

I'm going to meet a guy off the Internet tomorrow just for a drink to see how it goes.

I'm seriously beginning to think perhaps I have one of the following:
Aspergers
Borderline PD
ADHD

Conor30

terrlobe wrote: »

I'm seriously beginning to think perhaps I have one of the following:
Aspergers
Borderline PD
ADHD

Why do you think that?

terrlobe

Conor30 wrote: »

terrlobe wrote: »

I'm seriously beginning to think perhaps I have one of the following:
Aspergers
Borderline PD
ADHD

Why do you think that?

I have very poor social skills that's rendered me a loner for most of my life (Aspergers). Because of social isolation I've lived in a fantasy world which I still haven't grown out of and adopt different guises which spill over into real life (Borderline PD). I'm also prone to sinking into depression for days where I sit around all day in front of the box that can lift suddenly; and I have major issues with getting things done that's affecting my professional life(Bipolar / ADD)