Am I overreacting?

Callanutd

x

Frank Black

Depends really.

Was she friends with him prior to the night she kissed him?
Or had she just met him that night?
If the former then it's proably not that strange that she's still in touch with him.
If it's the latter then I would think it was a bit strrange tbh.

cyrusdvirus

it all depends to be honest.

If the shoe was on the other foot, and you were just in contact with someone you had kissed once, and slept with fully clothed BEFORE you met you girlfriend, would you regard it as that big a deal?

Did she hide the fact that they were still in contact? Or did she say she didn't want to tell you because of the potential for a bad reaction?

I still keep in contact with most of my ex's. One of them in particular caused a few issues between me and my last girlfriend, even though she still saw an ex fiancée on social occasions.




i wouldn't see it as a problem, but without knowing more about the details, it's hard to make a proper call. The fact that for a month she could probably have had her choice between either you or him and she chose you should say something though......

CardBordWindow

Callanutd wrote: »

Hi all,
Looking for a quick bit of advice. Going out with my girlfriend about 6 months now. The night before we met she kissed a different guy. They ended up sharing a bed that night (fully clothed) but nothing happened. We met the next night and about a month later started going out. I found out last week that she is still in touch with this guy on Facebook and chats to him every now and again. It almost felt like cheating to me. I didnt go mad or anything even though I wanted to. She seems to think its not big deal but I feel like it is.
any advice?

Cheers

Fair play to you! Approaching this calmly is the better option. Like other posters have suggestes, if she knew the guy for a good while before they kissed, then it's not too big a deal IMO, but if that was their first time meeting, I'd be inclined to discuss it with her.

Logical Fallacy

Callanutd wrote: »

It almost felt like cheating to me.

Well it's not, not even close.

She is talking to someone, that's it. She can talk to whoever she likes, whenever she likes about whatever she likes.

At the end of the day you are the one she is in a relationship with so i reckon that could be taken as a sign that she prefers you over the other chap.

Malari

Logical Fallacy wrote: »

Well it's not, not even close.

She is talking to someone, that's it. She can talk to whoever she likes, whenever she likes about whatever she likes.

At the end of the day you are the one she is in a relationship with so i reckon that could be taken as a sign that she prefers you over the other chap.

Hmm, well, if she was deliberately hiding something then maybe he has a point. I can understand why he would be upset if she's having a friendship with this guy that he knows nothing about. Yes, she can talk to whomever she likes, but if she's in regular contact and he knew nothing about it for a month, why didn't she mention anything? It would upset me!

Malari

Malari wrote: »

Hmm, well, if she was deliberately hiding something then maybe he has a point. I can understand why he would be upset if she's having a friendship with this guy that he knows nothing about. Yes, she can talk to whomever she likes, but if she's in regular contact and he knew nothing about it for a month, why didn't she mention anything? It would upset me!

He doesn't need to know or vet every one of her friends
Maybe she just doesn't see it as an issue that she talks to someone once in a while

Malari

bluewolf wrote: »

He doesn't need to know or vet every one of her friends
Maybe she just doesn't see it as an issue that she talks to someone once in a while

I didn't say he needs to vet the friends! I'm just saying, people have different levels of what they see as cheating. Maybe she knows he would have an issue and is hiding it. Otherwise, I guess I would be a bit surprised that some aspect of a conversation they had didn't come up once in a while.

Sky King

Callanutd wrote: »

They ended up sharing a bed that night (fully clothed) but nothing happened.

I've heard that one before....

Malari

Malari wrote: »

I didn't say he needs to vet the friends! I'm just saying, people have different levels of what they see as cheating. Maybe she knows he would have an issue and is hiding it. Otherwise, I guess I would be a bit surprised that some aspect of a conversation they had didn't come up once in a while.

Talking to someone you know on facebook cannot possibly be construed as cheating unless you think talking to any member of the opposite/same sex (as apt) is cheating. And not mentioning it does not mean you are hiding something. I talk to all sorts of people my OH does not know - why would he care who they are - I'm not going to report back on all my activities.

Sky King wrote: »

I've heard that one before....

Who cares if they did nothing or they were at it all night. It was before they met. None of his business.

I suggest OP get over it

kfallon

Why would anyone get into bed fully clothed?

conor1979

Callanutd wrote: »

The night before we met she kissed a different guy.

Cheers

I'm sure she has kissed other guys before. Does it matter whether it was the night before you met or 6 months before you met?

Frank Black

kfallon wrote: »

Why would anyone get into bed fully clothed?

a) It's very cold
b) You're very drunk
c) You want to downplay the sexual tension of sharing a bed with someone you just met.
d) A combination of a,b and c.


I would however remove my shoes at the least.

Otis Driftwood

Moved from tGC.

I am a friend

Oh its absolutely not cheating. OP, what do you think she is actually doing wrong?

cyrusdvirus

So she knew him before she knew you.

She shifted him, and as I and Logical Fallacy have said, she probably had her choice of you both during the month before you 2 got officially together.

She's with you.

Simples. No need to worry/react or anything.

Callanutd

Callanutd wrote: »

My issue is that firstly she was keeping it quiet, deliberately or not I dont know. I found out by accident as she was on facebook one night beside me when he sent her a message and she casually said oh yeah they chat regularly enough. Secondly then was how she didnt understand that it bothered me somewhat.

She didn't keep it deliberately because she didn't think it would bother you. One answers the other

From my point I wonder if she is stringing this guy along on the off chance that we dont work out

You are coming across seriously paranoid here

or maybe I have it all wrong and it is him doing the chasing? I know a few ares saying just get over it and I more than likely will but I would much rather vent in an anonymous forum like this first and get to grips with it rather than rushing bull headed into an argument with her, when in all honesty I could be completely overreacting.

Innocent chats on facebook while you're sitting together and she's not trying to hide it or close the popup box are not "chasing". They are talking as casual acquaintances.

Chinafoot

Callanutd wrote: »

From my point I wonder if she is stringing this guy along on the off chance that we dont work out or maybe I have it all wrong and it is him doing the chasing?

Or maybe, just maybe, there is no stringing along or chasing on either side. Maybe she's just chatting to someone she has known for a while and who she got to know a bit better after she snogged him. If something was going to happen between them it would surely have happened then. For all you know they might have been hammered drunk and realised afterwards that there was nothing there.

I kissed a bloke I knew casually in college. He was more of a 'friend of a friend'. He was a lovely guy and we had a few too many beers one night and ended up kissing. The next day we had a chat and both said that there was really nothing there and were happy to just be mates. We actually became a lot friendlier after that. He ended up going out with one of my friends in college very soon afterwards. Unfortunately she was even more paranoid than you and she stopped talking to me because she felt it was inappropriate for me to speak to her boyfriend after our drunken snog. He was no longer allowed to speak to me either. Pathetic carry on.

I seriously doubt she was purposely keeping you in the dark about her talking to this guy. Its facebook ffs. Its not like she's meeting up with him regularly and not telling you. I chat to loads of people on facebook that would be acquaintances at this stage. And yes, I've even kissed a few of them before I met my boyfriend. I don't keep my boyfriend informed of all these interactions because they're of no significance to our relationship.

You need to ask yourself why this bothers you so much? Why are you paranoid about her intentions? What makes you think she's stringing him along for when things end with you? Has she given you any indication that she's not happy and committed in the relationship? If she hasn't then you seriously need to get over yourself. Start kicking off about who she talks to and, if she has any sense and self-respect, she'll show you the door.