Heartbroken

butterfly84

Hi,
I've read so many threads like mine but its so hard to believe it is happening to me.My bf of 5 years broke up with me tonight and I am so upset.I didnt expect this as we have been getting on so well.We have a holiday booked for four weeks time and had been discussing future plans etc...

Now everything has come crashing down.Life really isnt fair.He is my best friend and we see eachother most days,I dont know how I will get on with my life without him.Dreading work tomorrow but I have to go in.Just hoping I dont break down and cry!

I called my best friend and my sister to talk and neither could believe it.They dont think this will be a permanent split.For the moment I have to accept that it is and try to cope.But they were allowing me to get my hopes up that we will get back together some day.While I will not try to push to get back together as I have to respect his decision,I am obviously wishing tonight never happened.

Anyone have any positive stories?Anyone broken up with someone and come to regret it?He is the love of my life.Also I have never been through this before as it is my only serious relationship.Finding it impossible to imagine him not in my life

all4nothingxx

Butterfly84, im very sorry to read your story.. As i read through it, it brought back alot of memories for me also. I have been in a similar situation after almost 5 years also. Right now what your feeling is normal and i can still feel the sick feeling you have.
Right now you need time to take all this in. Surround yourself with family and friends you trust. I know its hard to imagine life any other way than you have experienced up to this.
Maybe your boyfriends needs time to realise also what he wants. He may realise that this relationship is what he wants or else he feels he wants time to do his own thing.
You will get through these days and weeks and i know it will be hard for you but you wont always feel like the way you do now.
Take care and i hope things work out for ye.

butterfly84

Thanks guys.No this is not a first relationship for him,but the longest.
We travelled the world together for a year and he even asked me last week would I be willing to go away again as neither of us are completely happy since we've come home.

We had an arguement about something on sat (me being the one annoyed at him)but nothing serious and instead of making up this has happened.This was just the trigger/last straw not the reason.
He just said he wasnt sure he felt the same about me as he used to and that we was afraid of stringing me along as he thought we wanted different things.

Part of it I think was caused by some personal issues he has which I wont go into.This had affected our relationship in the past but i love him a lot so was supporting him in this area.Part of me thinks hes done this as he doesnt want to cause me any upset anymore over this issue.The reason I think this is that he was saying I deserved better than him and would meet someone better.Also he was extremely upset himself.

He text last night to ask was I ok and I just replied and said that I wasnt.I havent called him today as I usually do,just trying to battle through work.
We will have to have contact though as we own some things together and he is my new nephews godparent.Also,we live extremely close so seeing him is probably unavoidable.Plus he begged me to still talk to him as says Im still the best thing that ever happend to him and he doesnt want to loss me from his life.
I told him it'd be much better if he were an asshole : )

LegacyUser

I am so sorry to hear that this has happened to you. I found myself in a pretty similar situation a few months ago. I know that lots of terrible things happen in the world but to me, this felt like the worst possible scenario. The thing is, that even though in retrospect, the relationship was not perfect, at the time I thought that it was the be all and end all.

I think when you lose control of the situation, i.e. someone dumps you and you have no choice, you totally idealise it.

Can I just say that I smell bullsh*t if he is saying you deserve better, he is doing this for you, or he is making you think that this is for your benefit in any way. You do not give up the perfect partner so they can be happy. No one is that selfless. I'm sorry I know that is hard to hear but I am being honest here. Think about it - could you ever do this to him? If there are issues you work through them together, you don't give up on your relationship to spare someone else the pain. I don't buy it.

I understand there are certain things you may need contact for - but I think it is really selfish if he is asking you to keep in touch. How can you ever move on that way? I know you may not want to move on and it is nice to know that he still wants you in some way but you will be in limbo if you have this kind of friendship. What about if he starts seeing someone new?

In the wake of a break up do not trust any instinct you have that he will come round if you call him/text him/ beg in any way. I would not normally act in a needy way, but just after we broke up I had this strong gut feeling that I could convince him otherwise in some way. I can see now I was wrong and I am so glad I never sent any of those emails or letters I wrote venting my feelings. If he wants you back, he has your number, he knows where you live. He knows about all of the good times you had together - he was there too.

I know you may not care about your pride right now but you will in months to come - do not contact him, force yourself not to. Buy a journal and write everything down, it really helps, especially when you start to feel better, you will still have bad days but it will be good to look back at when times were worse and see that you have moved on from then.

This is not going to get better over night. I found it really hard that there was literally nothing I could do to make myself feel better, it was totally out of my control, it was like being in a deep depression, and I am normally a happy person.

Everyone is different, but for me, I needed about a month to just wallow. I could not think of getting up and getting out there and having fun. There was no point in me going out with friends because I was not in the same state of mind as them, all I could think of was him and how awful the whole thing was, I do not agree with getting up and going out and getting drunk after as a remedy, it really will do you no good. Allow yourself time to just lie on the couch and feel sorry for yourself. What will happen is that eventually you will get fed up of doing that. You will still feel awful about the whole thing but you will be bored of sitting around doing nothing and watching the days go by so you will start thinking of things to do.

Then it is time to self improve. Join a gym/start jogging/ cookery course/ writing course, what ever it may be, give yourself a little project that will be some form of self improvement. This will boost your self esteem a little bit and also give you something to focus on so you can move on to the next stage of your grief. Because it is grief, it is grieving the death of a relationship that you based your entire future on. I found that for the first month or so, I was obsessed with the past. Slowly but surely, after a few weeks, I could begin to contemplate the future again, which really helps in terms of the moving on process.

Can I add that I was the exact same, all I wanted to hear was stories of people getting back together and boyfriends regretting their decision so much etc. A few months on and I am not going to lie, sometimes I still have bad days where I wallow in thoughts of this. But there are a couple of things you need to bear in mind.

1. There is a before and there is an after. After (the break up) even if you did get back together, it won't be the same. This is hard to hear I know, but lets say that he grovels and you are back together tomorrow, after the immediate relief and delight has worn off, will you be able to forget that he took one long look at your relationship and thought, I'll try my luck elsewhere?

2. There are plenty more fish in the sea. I know that you are not interested in any of these at the moment, I felt physically sick at the idea of being with someone else, but you should still bear in mind that they are out there. Do not fall into the trap of thinking that all men are a**holes, and they can do this because they are cold and disconnected at will. They are so not. PEOPLE are a**holes, it is not a gender thing.

3. What you had with this guy was so amazing, I know, even if it wasn't, which you may realise in a few months time, it feels to you like it was, and you may never have that again. I used to hate it when people said to me, oh you will find someone else, you will have an even better relationship, bla bla bla. I am a realist so this stank of bullsh*t to me.
But here it is - there is a chance you will never have a relationship as great as this again - but it is more than bloody likely that you will. You sound like you are young. You might not feel it right now, but you are probably attractive, if he liked you and he is so great chances are alot of other guys will too. He is giving you a chance to be with someone who would cherish you and NEVER do something like this to you. Take it.

4. This is his problem, not yours. Unless you did something awful (nagging or taking people for granted sometimes don't count - don't beat yourself up over these minor things, everyone does that in a relationship) then this is his problem. He changed and not you. With my ex (even sounds weird to call him an ex a few months on - this was a very slow moving on process for me) I think that he did not know himself what he wanted from life. It's not you, it's him. All you did was love him and aren't you lucky that you were able to do that. Some people are so damaged that they cannot love - you are full of love for this guy it just seems like it was misplaced.

5. If you have nothing else, take solace in the fact that you will have no regrets. You put yourself out there, you loved and you obviously made it relatively clear to him that you did not want to break up. If you guys don't get back together, then at least when you look back in 20 years you can know that you did your best to make it work. He won't have that luxury, he may not regret it, but chances are that he will at some stage in his life, and wonder what if, and be filled with regret. You did your best.

You may not take all of this in right now because it is way too soon, all I wanted to read about in the days after the initial shock was love stories about people regretting break ups and getting back together afterward.

But maybe in the weeks to come it will be of some use to you. I am no where near over my break up yet, but I am SO much better about the whole thing. Remember that no matter how bad you feel, you will never feel that bad again.

Oh and another thing - don't listen to friends who tell you the only way to get over one man is to get under another. You will have serious rebound needs if you stay broken up - ignore them. It is not fair on you and it is not fair on the other person, even if it is only a drunken score. You will just feel like sh*t after anyway, and ten times lonely. Leave it for a while and you will be glad, because it could throw you back to square one, and knowing how bad it is right now, you should know that you NEVER want to go back there.

You may hear stories or fear that he is going out and pulling girls left right and centre - remember that if he is doing that, he is seperating love from sex. I really believe that it is not the same. And once you start to seperate the two, you are giving up your chance for happiness. How can you ever be satisfied if you treat them as two seperate entities? I have alot of male friends who go out 'on the pull' and have sex with random women, especially after break ups, and I can tell you now that while they brag about it, they don't even seem to really enjoy it, and they are not happy doing it, despite what they tell the other lads. So don't feel under pressure to do this even if he is - you can find someone and have a special relationship again, you owe yourself more than a few one night stands.

If you are finding it really hard and feel nothing but despair, you might even seek counselling. Lots of people go nowadays, there is no shame. It can only help and at least it will give you someone older and wiser to talk to and help you sort out your feelings. And sure you can mend any other issues that you have while you're at it and be twice as happy as before you ever even met this guy. If you do decide to go down this route make sure to get a properly accredited counsellor through the PSI website.

Anyway I hope that this is of some help to you. I am so sorry for you this is a really awful thing, but alot of people go through it, you are not alone. Listen to music, watch movies and wallow. Rely on good friends, keep a journal. I found reading really good because you can still think of him while you are watching tv but you can't do this while concentrating on a book! I really believe that if it is meant to be, then it will be. You just have to get your head around the no contact thing for now, and other things will improve by themselves. Take it one day at a time, like AA!

Wibbs

sunflower27 wrote: »

It is unfair of him to expect you to just go from lovers to friends. I don't know anyone where that has actually worked out when one was left heartbroken from a split. It's just not fair on you.

This +1000. sunflower is so right. He's being very selfish and self centred even asking for that knowing how you're feeling in my humble. It's an either or situation. You want him back, but if not you'll want some sort of closure and you won't get that if he's hanging around like a bad smell as a "friend" or worse hedging his bets. Be very careful on this score butterfly84

butterfly84

I didn't have much choice.My colleague is on annual leave so would really be leaving people stuck in work.
Damn him!

I suppose I am holding out a little hope but at the same time I wont go back to be hurt again down the line.All I can do is see if he does miss me and reconsider but I wont be making it easy for him if that happens . .its only an "if" anyway.He would have to realise he has made the biggest mistake and I think it will take more than a day to do that.

Wibbs,as I already mentioned it is extremely hard NOT to stay in contact.
Im not trying to make excuses for him.He was friends with my sister before we started going out,my nephews love him so much as do all my family and friends.He organised buying a car for my sister and is giving her driving lessons as a favour.Thats just how he is,always offering to help out my family giving lifts and doing jobs for them etc..
I know it seems selfish but we are best friends too and he did not like what he had to do . . .Im sure if it were the other way around id want to see him too

Have to say that I've been in a similar position as you so I'm sorry for how bad you feel right now. The truth is that life goes on. You can be one of the people constantly chasing an ex or you can move on and trust that if it is meant to be, it will. The first love is the hardest. And staying friends and getting to know his next girlfriend would be hell. Only contact him when he contacts you, if you feel the need. Imo, under the circumstances, you seem to be acting in just the right way. Everyone remembers this time for the rest of their lives. Learn from it but don't give up hope.

butterfly84

Thanks again everyone.
It is a tough day!
Actually a crazy man shouted a load of abuse at me at lunch time and I screamed back at him to f off!Not what I want on a day like today,haha!
Nice to let the anger loose though.

He has been on already begging to meet and talk and he misses me already and feels the same as Im feeling now.I said I dont know.I am meeting my friend straight form work anyhow so wont blank her (to be at his beck and call).My friend thinks I should go after.I dont really know what it is he wants to meet and talk about.

Yes I certainly wont be remaining best friends with him if things dont work out in the long term.It would kill me to see him with someone else but thats not on the cards at the moment anyway,its only been since last night!I will always love him though whether we will be in love again or not....

Glad you think Im acting the right way ...maybe not so much anymore.Its not easy to do the sensible thing is it!

angelwings86

Hey butterfly84,
Hope you're getting through the day ok... I've been in your position, and its not easy... I would advise not talking to each other for a while though, easier said than done, i know, but it's for the best.. the more ye talk, the more confused and muddled the feelings will get, he obvs asked for space etc, so let him have a few days, its not even been 24hrs yet! i went thru the same a few yrs ago, and it hurt more to talk to him after and trying to pretend you are surviving and happy when u speak to them, its easier to just be with friends and family and just get your feelings out, who knows, you may even get a different perspective! my "not talking" period lasted almost a year, which was tough some days, but you get thru it a day at a time, and you just keep busy.. Now we are friends, but it took a long time to get here! i read that you said he wanted to stay friends, and thats fine, but very hard to do at the beginning when all the feelings and emotions are still there,and in all likelihood, still raw! best of luck though, you're not alone!

butterfly84

Hi everyone,thanks for all the good advice.Somehow I missed yours yesterday guest_girl.Thanks for taking the time to write all that and sorry you have had a hard time yourself.

I met my friend last night and she persuaded me to meet him to hear what he had to say.wasnt going to go as i didnt want anymore upset in the day.
Well he wanted another chance with me.We had a long talk and lots more tears.He said he had the worst day of his life aswell (I know I know all caused by him) and was a complete idiot and really sorry for hurting me so much.

He said he didnt mean the horrible things he said (about thinking we were better off apart) and was frustrated at certain aspects of the relationship.
I didnt ask him to get back together,it was all him.Yes I know this is unacceptable behaviour to break up after an arguement and change your mind the next day,I have told him this and if we were making up I wouldnt be put throught this again.

I know you are probably thinking I am an idiot.I said it to him myself,how am I supposed to forget this happened?By no means was I immediately delighted at this change of heart,very confused if anything.But he has promised a lot of conditions to prove he is serious.Only time will tell if he will follow through on these promises.I hope we can work things out,but I wouldnt be able to take this again if it doesnt and I have told him as much.

So for now,I dont feel all is ok and it will take me a while to get there.
So Im hoping I can be that positive story and I hope you all dont think im too dellusional!