Intimacy problems with Victim of Child Rape

LegacyUser

I'm posting here as I really dont know what else I can do.(and I apologize in advance in case I hurt anyone who has been affected by this)
Basically,my wife was raped as a child( on more than one occasion)about 20 years ago,and the rapist got off with it in court.
And now our marriage is extremely close to being over,because there is absolutely no intimacy shown towards me.By this I mean sex once a year and no physical contact whatsoever.

We used to have loads of sex when we first met,and I know she did enjoy it,but now looking back,thats all it was,sex but not many real intimate moments(then and now,she will only have sex when after drink),she even hates kissing and wont kiss me,ever.

Now I know this is a really sensitive subject to be asking about,but this is the only thing left that I can see could be stopping her from being intimate,maybe I am barking up the wrong tree here and maybe she genuinely is a person that has no interest in being with someone else,I really don't know anymore.


She has never really wanted to talk to me much about it,so I never pushed her into talking,but I do know she had counselling as a child,but said it was useless and a waste of time.

We are going to marriage counselling,but for me it is so close to being over.
She has told me she couldn't ask for a better husband,but still she has no interest in me.

Now I really would go through hell for her( I really mean that)if It could make her a happier person,whether she either wants to be alone or fix things between us,I will accept either outcome.

I know if I bring up the subject when it is just the two of us,I will be told where to go,but if I lead her to it without actually mentioning it in front of the councillor (sort of force her hand),she may open up(the only time she wont put up a brick wall when confronted,is when someone else is present)

Is there anybody that has had problems being intimate after the same circumstances or have experience of the same?

Baked.noodle

I’m really sorry for what you and your wife a going through. I don’t have any experience with these issues so my advice may not be appropriate. If you are close to ending your marriage you owe it to your wife to tell her this. She needs to understand how you feel, and what is at stake. Maybe this is the push she needs. I imagine she will need time to process what you say. Write it down before hand and be clear in your head what needs to be said and how it will be said. Don’t make it an ultimatum. Tell her how the situation actually is. Good luck.

LegacyUser

I was abused by a family member, and while I of course don't know that her issues with her past are what is causing her to pull away from you now, it could be the case.

Your brick wall metaphor is extremely appropriate. Defenses go flying up at speed and there is no rational thought behind them. It's as much an instinctive reaction as when an animal who has been abused shies away from a raised hand. As we approach and reach major milestones in development and life cycles - marriage, childbirth, etc. - this can trigger episodes which while they may not actually cause memories to surface completely, they can cause significant changes in behavior and thinking. I would feel safe in saying that this needs to be approached in counseling, most likely with just her and the counselor present. Don't take that as an insult. These issues are very deep seated and severe.

I can't even begin to express how fractured the PTSD and disassociation that are frequently associated with this kind of trauma can make one feel, not to mention the feelings of worthlessness and self-hate. There could be so many reasons that she's acting differently to you now. Counseling is really the only option I can see, I'm afraid, and as she probably already knows, it's very painful to deal with. I know she said it was useless and a waste of time, but counselors are different and if she wants to heal she really should keep trying to find one that she finds one who is able to help her.

I wish the best of luck to both of you. It really isn't easy.

LegacyUser

Sorry to hear that somewhatthesame...............I hope for you at some stage you will be able to change your user name to "thesameasIwas" or better yet "strongerandbetterthanever!"

somewhatthesame wrote: »

I would feel safe in saying that this needs to be approached in counseling, most likely with just her and the counselor present. Don't take that as an insult. These issues are very deep seated and severe.

I totally agree,something like that is totally out of my depth,and I'm going to try and subtly encourage her to go to one on one counselling,but it can only be totally up to her

@Baked.noodle,don't worry I don't have any intention of leaving before I at least know if that is the root cause of our problems or not(and if it is,then we could take steps towards fixing things),and yeah I'm hoping that she will see whats at stake if that is what is holding her back

LegacyUser

Regular member but going anon to protect my wifes identity.
My wife was also sexually abused by a family relative on several occasions when she was younger, she never persued it through the courts.
We also have had difficulties in bed BUT she realised this, after a lot of talking and me threatening to leave, and spent a lot of time with a councillor. This briefly made her worse as it brought up old memories but after a few months afetr the sessions finished she was much improved.
I dont know how long you are married however unless there is something else at play she needs to see a councillor by herself to discuss her issues not just marriage councilling.
My reading of the lack of intimacy is she has forced herself to block all intimacy to block the memories of what happened. She CAN be intimate and loving again but she needs to get rid of her ghosts first.
The best of luck, I will be following the thread for an update.

LegacyUser

another anon wrote: »

she needs to see a councillor by herself to discuss her issues not just marriage councilling.

Yeah,I'm hoping that she can see that.
A friend of her's that I would call the "motherly one" in her group of close friends,recently suggested to her that she needs counselling(I don't know if she know's that my wife had been raped),so that may also influence her decision.

Don't know when Ill post back on this thread again,but I will,and thanks for the reply's,I'm at the stage where I have never been so distant from my wife,so even reading these reply's gives me some hope that things can be sorted.Cheers

LegacyUser

Hi there oP. I'm a regular user, but like others before me am going unreg because my gf needs to remain under the radar.

I am in pretty much your exact same position. We're been together 8 years, and for the last 4-5 there has been little to no intimacy in my relationship- I think we've actually managed sex maybe once a year in that time. It's incredibly difficult. My GF is currently in coucilling for stuff and I can't see any change, at all.

It's hard though, and i dont know about you but i find it hard to say anything, because really who wants to be the asshole who whinges about his gf not being about to have sex when she was raped as a kid?????

It's hard, and right now i dont know if i'm going to stay or not. I guess you just have to hope it gets better. WHat kills me is there's no way for people who support women who were abused as kids to get together and talk about it all- i think there should be something.

LegacyUser

sameboatasyou wrote: »

I am in pretty much your exact same position. We're been together 8 years, and for the last 4-5 there has been little to no intimacy in my relationship- I think we've actually managed sex maybe once a year in that time.

Other than being together 9 years,sounds exactly like the situation I'm in.