Cheated on but forgave

LegacyUser

My gf of 4 years cheated on me a year ago when we were going through a bad patch. I found out about it a while ago and forgave her. She didn't have sex with the guy but obviously I was hurt beyond belief. I love her and want to be with her but I am very tender at the moment and need to know it will never happen again.

I am aware that most people will say finish it (and thats what I always assumed I would have done, but I guess I love her too much) but I want to hear from people who have been cheated on.

Is it always a bad move to forgive or can it work out?

@rti-shm@rti

I'm sorry that you are dealing with this, being cheated on is a horrible experience and can be very difficult to get over.

I've been cheated on in the past and I can say that at the time it was an excruciating experience. In my instance though we were both very young and I just knew that I would never be able to trust the guy again. He wasn't all that remorseful and I just knew that I would spend all my time panicking when he was out without me etc that he may do it again.

There's no hard and fast rule as to whether these things will work out or not. It all depends on whether you trust your gf or not. Without trust in a relationship you really have nothing at all IMO and if you are sure it was a genuine, one time only mistake and you feel like you can trust her again then I would say you have every chance.

The problem is that all the reassurance in the world sometimes won't matter its up to you to learn to trust and believe in her again.

LegacyUser

TheForgiver wrote: »

My gf of 4 years cheated on me a year ago when we were going through a bad patch. I found out about it a while ago and forgave her. She didn't have sex with the guy but obviously I was hurt beyond belief. I love her and want to be with her but I am very tender at the moment and need to know it will never happen again.

I am aware that most people will say finish it (and thats what I always assumed I would have done, but I guess I love her too much) but I want to hear from people who have been cheated on.

Is it always a bad move to forgive or can it work out?

you will never know if it will or could happen again, but then in any relationship do we really know 100% if a partner will cheat on us?

....so although it has unfortunately happened to you you will never know 100% if it will or will not happen again.

most people say finish it because they have either been cheated on or know someone close who has, they don't take into account the relationship you have, or the situation/people involved,

from your post however op you say this happened a year ago and you are still questioning it that to me would suggest you are unable to get over this, time usually heals but if after a year its still bothering you enough to ask, you need to talk to your GF about this and let her know how you feel. it can work out but only if you genuinely forgive her and forget about it.

i know you love her but if you really cannot forgive and forget is there much point in stringing her along?

LegacyUser

usernameusername wrote: »

you will never know if it will or could happen again, but then in any relationship do we really know 100% if a partner will cheat on us?

....so although it has unfortunately happened to you you will never know 100% if it will or will not happen again.

most people say finish it because they have either been cheated on or know someone close who has, they don't take into account the relationship you have, or the situation/people involved,

from your post however op you say this happened a year ago and you are still questioning it that to me would suggest you are unable to get over this, time usually heals but if after a year its still bothering you enough to ask, you need to talk to your GF about this and let her know how you feel. it can work out but only if you genuinely forgive her and forget about it.

i know you love her but if you really cannot forgive and forget is there much point in stringing her along?

It happened a year ago but I only found out (she didn't confess) about it a few weeks ago. I have forgiven her, my problem isn't the past, its the future.

I am a friend

Ouch.. why didnt she tell you? How did you find out? Is she remorseful?

LegacyUser

I am a friend wrote: »

Ouch.. why didnt she tell you? How did you find out? Is she remorseful?

She said she didn't want to hurt me, and yes she is remorseful. I found out, but i'm not going to go on about how. Suffice to say there was no denying it.

Ickle Magoo

It's really up to you whether your relationship will/can survive. I certainly know of couples where one has been unfaithful and the relationship goes on and they seem very happy together. I know other couples where jealousy and insecurity became an insurmountable issue and the injured party was just unable to forgive and forget.

If you think you can forgive and forget, draw a line under it and move on then you stand a good chance - but perhaps some kind of relationship counselling to get both your feelings on the cheating and her reasons for doing so out in the open and sorted out properly might be worth considering?

All the best.

I am a friend

I think you should take some time away from her to think about it and get your head around whether or not this will haunt you and if she can be trusted.

The bit I don't like is that she hid it from you but only you can call this one..

Bodhidharma

Very hard situation. I dont know what I would do, all I can say is no one can really decide something like this for you. Very difficult to give advise as it is such a personal thing. I wish you the best.

All the best

all4nothingxx

sorry to hear you were cheated on... I know the feeling too well. Here is my story in short. Started going out with an ex of mine from a young enough age.. the 1st month he kissed another girl and admitted it straight away. Anyway i forgave him as i guess i felt i could get over it as it was a drunken thing and we had only been going out 2 or 3 weeks. There lies my mistake..
So roll on 4 and half years, the very same thing happened again. He covered it this time but i found out through a mutual friend. It is the worst feeling in the world to be cheated on and to this day i dont think i am still fully over it or my confidence is back to what it was. I would advise you to be very cautious with this matter. I do believe every relationship is different but i just dont think you can get trust back. As the saying goes 'Its impossible to build a house on a unstable foundation'.
Yes i know you love her but ask yourself do you not deserve better and someone who will treat you better??

Take care

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies so far.

I feel awful. Right now my confidence is at rock bottom. I fel anxious all the time, like I have a knot in my stomach.

I am so upset about what happened. It makes me feel totally unloved. I cant shake the fact that I would never have done to her what she did to me, never in a million years. I love her and for her to cheat, I just feel sick at the thought.

It has shaken my world to the foundations. In a world of uncertainty I thought her love was certain, but now I dont know. To do that, and then not admit it, for a year!

I know I dont deserve that, and that all logic suggests that I should end it, but I honestly do love her very much.

LegacyUser

Hey OP.

Just coming from the opposite side of this, and I will probably get a few complaints from people that have been through what you are going through but here goes....

I cheated on my boyfriend, for no reason other then my own insecurities and self confidence issues. We were going through a bad patch and I was young and instead of trying to fix things with my partner, I was foolish and sort attention else where. Afterwards I had never felt so low and ashamed of what I had done but still didnt admit to him because I was scared of loosing him. Eventually the truth came out and the feeling I had after cheating was nothing compared to seeing him so hurt. From that moment I vowed to myself I would never ever make him feel like that ever again. I gave him time. I went and got myself together and worked on myself and he had time to see if I was what he really wanted, and if he could even forgive me. It was hard. Especially for him, and at times I wanted to walk away to let him find someone that wouldnt make him feel the way I did. But we talked through everything and now 6 years later we are still on track. And we never mention the past. And we never think of what might happen in the future because nobody knows.

Im only telling you my story because you have a long road ahead of you. You have to really think hard about whether you are willing to forgive such actions, whether she is worth it and whether you both can get past this. It takes a lot of work on both parts, she will need to prove that she is willing to work with you to deal with this, but if you both really want too, you will work through it.

I wish you all the best. And also, I have been cheated on in the past so I do know how you feel and how my partner felt, and its an extremely confusing time, so I hope whatever you decide will be the best choice for you.

sunnymoon

Hi OP

Well every situation is very different but i'll tell you my experience,

my bf and i were going out about three years at the time, we were living together, and he was out with the boys, he called me asked him to collect him and bring him home, he wasn't in the pub where he asked me to collect him in, i instantly knew something was wrong, i kept ringing but i didn't get an answer, eventually a girl answered saying to my bf it's a girl called ----, with this i got out of my car and went into nite club found him, walking (wobbling drunk) hand and hand with some girl who he had been kissing he later told me. Anyways he chased after me you can imagine i wasn't very welcoming when he caught up to me!! Long story short i was devastated, truely truely hurt. My head was full of similiar thoughts i would never do this to him how could he have done it to me. I moved out for three months and at that i slowly slowly moved back in, he's was extremely remorseful, still to do this day he is so ashamed of his behaviour and how much he hurt me.
We are still together 4 years on, it took me ages to forgive when i say i moved back in after three months, i still hadn't fully forgiven at that stage but i was trying to move on, now i have forgiven but still haven't forgotten but i love him dearly and he loves me to!

Before i forgave i took alot of things into consideration such as - the cheating wasn't planned, pre arranged obviously i knew this by him asking me to collect him he was aware i was on my way in, he didn't know the girl - it was a once off incident- there was a serious amount of drink involved ( i know this is not an excuse) - his genuine remorse and regret -it was only a kiss - and how much i loved him! (if these considerations were different like - if he had slept with her, if he had arranged to meet her, if it happend more than once i may feel totally different)

I forgave and i can honestly say it worked out well for me, and i was always one of these people who said once a cheater always a cheater, i shocked myself with my abiltly to forgive maybe you can to? but don't expect it happen in a matter of weeks! If you think she is the one and worth it maybe you can forgive! I no my bf will never run a risk of loosing me again so i think it's possible to forgive. I hope this helps you or give you a sense of what might be possible

LegacyUser

OP, what makes you think they didn't have sex? Do you believe this because she told you? Bear in mind cheaters always minimise the cheating. They will always say they didn't have sex/it was just a kiss/an ego boost etc
But more than often it's a lot more than they will admit. She didn't tell you voluntarily so I would take everything she tells you with a pinch of salt.

R.D. aka MR.D

I've experienced cheating and forgave.

I stayed with the guy for 2 years after the incident. And if i'm honest i wish i hadn't wasted those 2 years now. He never cheated on me again to the best of my knowledge and i trusted him 100% but I wish i had of had the confidence at that time to just break up with him.

He showed me such a huge amount of disrespect but i didn't have the self confidence to say that i deserved better. I believe that he was sorry for what he had done but at the end of the day he did it. He didn't deserve me after that.

Don't be afraid to stand up for yourself. Being alone is better than being with some one who doesn't think enough of you to be honest and faithful.

I hope things work out for you x