Found out girlfriend was cheating what to do

LegacyUser

I had to move back home to cork with my parents because my dad is very sick at the moment and there is none else to take care of him and also his father had recently died and he was not coping with it very well.

I was supposed to stay here for one month then move back up to galway, but i had to stay an extra month because he didn't seem to be getting any better so when i left my girlfriend she was upset that she wouldn't see me for a month and we called each other and texted each other nearly every night, when i told her i was going to stay an extra month she got kind of mad,
I told her it would be an extra four weeks max, and ill probably be back in 2.

We called an texted for a bit, then one of my friends made a joke about her on my facebook which i didn't see because i was internetless for a bit, saying a joke how she must be lost without me.

Very harmless in my opinion nothing sinister meant by it.
She got really really mad and told me she didn't want to talk to me for a bit.
I was very confused and i said i didn't do anything? She said i should have stood up for her on my page and i told her i had no internet and only found out when she told me.
She didn't believe me and told me she didn't trust me and thought i was saying stuff to my friends about her which i would never do.

Then she hid her relationship status on her profile , when i asked her why she told me she said she just did it one night after a night out cause she was in a bad mood.
For 2 weeks ive been kept in the dark,
Barley getting texts back, Whenever i called she was busy, Whenever i managed to get her texting back and tried talking about what happened she would just say i don't want to talk about it im still mad but i still love you.

She didn't want me to meet up with her when i was coming back, so i told her im going to come back early to fix this and she said no i don't want to see you.
Then her mother sent me a facebook message asking why amnt i home yet?
I explained that she was mad at me and didn't want me to come back and i wasn't sure what was going on,
She said she would talk to her.
Then my girlfriend texted me saying how dare i talk to her mother about this then eventually after talking to her for a bit she calmed down and said come back and lets fix this but im not sure we can fix this.
Then she more or less stopped talking to me,

Then i decided to myself there must be more to this so i did something i shouldn't have,
I logged onto her facebook and looked at her messages to see what was going on and why she would get so mad at me over something so minor.

And this is what i found.
She had messages from a guy she works with and i read it all, He was saying sorry for being so cranky and she was telling him its fine then making jokes, Then he said jokingly i don't know why i put up with you,
And she said well i can think of one reason and it doesn't involve me wearing clothes and he said is it the sex? And she said oh yes,
Then they went into detail about her giving him a blowjob and she asked did he think she was good he said yes and how he was getting really turned on

I flipped out and texted her that its over and how dare she do this to me,
She texted back what all ive done is work and wait for you,
And i texted back i thought you loved me?
She texted back i love you with all my heart i would never do anything to hurt you,
Then i said don't ever contact me again
And she said what the **** is your problem
I never texted back
That was the end

I was still logged into her facebook at this point
she put up on her friends facebook that i was sending her horrible horrible messages
and she started talking to one of my friends saying that i was telling her that i wanted her to **** off an die and ive sent her so so many horrible texts when it was just those three texts.
He believed her and said that how could i send those messages to her and was agreeing with her.
Saying what a prick and such.
Her mother sent me a facebook message asking me what happened as she say that me and the girlfriend were no listed as single on facebook.
And her sister sent me a message at the time saying you know she was out with us???

Then i deleted my facebook
This was a few days ago
I just logged back into my facebook now and im not sure what i should do now

Should i let her know i know she was cheating? (she has no idea i know)
I'd have to let her know i logged into her facebook,
What should i say to her mother/sister?
Should i tell her she was cheating on me or what?
Any advice on this would be greatly greatly appreciated

Thank you

Amazotheamazing

Terrible stuff to be going through. If you are 100% certain the relationship is over and you want no more to do with her then you've nothing to lose by telling her how you found out, imo. She can take the high moral ground if she wants but so what, she's out of your life now. Try not to overdo it, something simple like "I know about you and John(whatever his name is etc), hope it all works out, I need space to care for father now etc"

I'd text her mother/sister something neutral enough like "Hi, she's met someone else and I think it's best to give them their space, thanks for being so understanding about my father, no doubt I'll meet you in Galway soon" or some other bull****, her mother and sister will put two and two together.

My own take on it is it's over and you have a very small window of opportunity to show yourself as the wronged party. She's clearly fine with lying to you, her family and your friends. The best path for you now is cut contact with her and to tell your friends exactly why. In my experience, the good friends are the ones who'll be so disgusted by her behaviour they can't be her friend right now.

If, on the otherhand, you want to save the relationship, get back to Galway and play it by ear.

Sorry to hear about your grandfather, hope your father is better soon. I know it's hard to take at the minute but months down the line you'll be able to move on from her.

Janet1986

Tell her and her family you know she was cheating because you logged into her facebook and saw the messages.

I would also print out the message incase she deletes it and tries to say i don't know what he's talking about he's probably just stressed. :mad:

What a selfish madam she is, get rid of her.

TelePaul

Getting messages on FB from her mother? Logging in to her FB account? It all sounds a little crazy and overly-dramatic to me.

I feel bad for ya mate, I do, but it seems like things are well and truly over. I'd relish the fact that you're internet free for a while - don't get dragged into something on Facebook, don't text her, just focus on your dad for now. Use this as an opportunity to walk away from this.

desertcircus

It's done, it's over. The only thing left for you to do is to decide whether to let her know that her secret isn't a secret. If she's badmouthing you to friends, it might be simplest to message her and make it clear that you have proof she cheated, and if you hear about her badmouthing you to anybody whatsoever, you'll make sure everyone sees it.

Otherwise? She sounds unpleasant, thoroughly so. Be glad to be shot of her.

@rti-shm@rti

God OP - I'm really sorry you are having to go through this right now. Dealing with your grandfather and father would be more than enough stress for anyone in fairness.

Firstly, I would always say that logging into someone else's private email or whatever is a huge invasion of privacy and often leads to seeing things which could be entirely innocent, flirting and the like and because you don't have the full story it can grow legs and just become a huge issue. But in this instance I think that you were driven to despair and given that the situation is pretty clean cut and she is 100% in the wrong in her behaviour I think invading her privacy is really only a minor issue at this point.

In this instance I think that you need to come clean and admit your wrong-doing. Be prepared to take a bit of flak for logging into her facebook but you can always support your reasoning by the fact that you were desperate because she wasn't willing to talk to you.

I really think you need to let everyone know that you found out she had been cheating and that's why you broke up with her.

+1 to taking a copy of the emails etc and also keeping any contact with her family to the bear minimum. It's up to her to let them know what was going on, not you.

This girl sounds like she has major issues, firstly not to be supportive while you needed to take time to mind your father but then to cheat on you when you are going through such a terrible time and not being adult enough to discuss the problems you were having rationally when you tried.

You're much better off without her, and deleting her on FB etc is a step in the right direction. I would let her know you know she was cheating, how you found out etc and then cut her out of her life ASAP. You really do not need this added stress. Family is one of the most important things in the world and you need to focus on your father at the moment.

LegacyUser

This FB obsession is ridiculous, TBH, the communications described look like a BEBO conversation from years ago.

The relationship is over. How could you, OP, trust that woman after what she has had in her mouth.

If she persists, just say the name of the other guy. Nothing more. She will know then that you know. You don't have to tell her how you found out.

You are better off without a tramp like that.

And, get well soon to your Dad.

LegacyUser

bananaRep12 wrote: »

This FB obsession is ridiculous

+1 to this but I can completely commiserate. I've spent far too much time recently trying to decipher behaviour on FB, blocking and limiting my view etc of certain things. It's just another medium to analyse and obsess over once a relationship is over

OP you need to get rid of this girl from your life. You'll be far better off without her.

I hope it all works out for you.

LegacyUser

I swear op that is almost identical to a situation i was in. i have not seen her since it all came out and i will be honest i still love her and think she was the one for me but i will never go back.

If she can do that to me there is no telling how far she could go, you are in the same boat my friend

Hope it gets easier for you

LegacyUser

what a horrible person she turned out to be, you really dodged a bullet here. so what about snooping, you had a good sense something else was up to make her act so bloody awful to you and surprise surprise, you were right.

i hope you continue ignoring her. tell her family members or anyone who asks about the situation to just go and ask her to explain about 'so and so' (the coworker she was sucking off). i doubt she has anything resembling a conscience (people like her rarely do) but imagining the color draining from her face when they ask is a nice thought just the same.

situations like this make me wish i believed in supernatural things like hell or even karma.

Takada

Hi OP,

This girl sounds incredibly selfish. Honestly, if I was your girlfriend I would be travelling down to support you and your family in this situation. Even if it was for a day/weekend - whatever.

So, look at this from my point of view - an unbiased stranger's point of view:

You go to help your dad go through a very difficult point in his life.

Your girlfriend decides that not only will she not help you through this, she will screw you over while you're not around.

When you call her on this she goes on the defensive and badmouths you to your own friends.

Forget.about.her.

Seriously. There are much better people out there. You'll only find them though if you rid yourself of her. I know it's easy to say but trust me, I've gone through a similar situation. You need to concentrate on your family, spend time with them, and not let this girl waste your time.

Disable your Facebk account again, your girlfriend should be the one who has to explain to her mum/sister what has happened.

Best of luck with everything.

Wompa1

As difficult as it might seem I think you need to walk away....

I was friendly with my ex's mother and sister. Both had contacted me following our break up and I kept hush about the fact their darling sister/daughter had cheated on me, it took me a while to tell my friends who she contacted to ask if I was ok because I wasn't answering...them not knowing the reasons told her not to worry and these things happen...giving her extra peace of mind. I'm sure my ex told everyone that would listen that I was abusive and sending horrible texts to her...leaving out the part that she cheated on me. Some people love attention and playing the victim, she obviously knows what she has done and the fact she's telling people about how horrible you are being, show's its all about her.

Move on and find somebody that isn't a complete bitch

Wompa1

Takada wrote: »

Disable your Facebk account again, your girlfriend should be the one who has to explain to her mum/sister what has happened.

Best of luck with everything.

True. But she will lie about it because it sounds like she's all about her..

LegacyUser

Thank you for all your replies,
They have all been absolutely helpful every single one.
And everything that you all have said was true.
I am never going to talk to her again,
She has the passwords to my bank accounts/facebook/emails and i am right now changing them all, (The ones I have not changed already)
I as a fool trusted her with it all.

I'd say the sister will not believe a word I say and will believe my ex,
They are like best friends.

But im still not sure what to say to the mother,
Obviously she knows now that we are not together
and has heard whatever she has said about me.

I cant tell her that i logged onto her daughters facebook, im sure she will get really mad and possibly get the police involved maybe?
Or am I just being paranoid?

I was thinking about saying to her mother that someone had sent me a facebook message about it one of her friends on facebook maybe?
That she was with *so and so* and i ended it because of that and be really nice and say im sorry i wish it could have worked out and it was great to have known you etc
What do you think?

Or maybe leaving it very vague like I found out she was with this guy that's why I ended it
Thanks for everything you've done for me etc.
so she would have to ask her about it, and she would in my opinion most defiantly deny it.

Does anyone else have any suggestions as I am going to do this tomorrow evening.

Her mother will defiantly show this to her daughter my ex and she will make out that im making all this up to be an ass hole but who knows what her mother will think,
She probably knows her better than anyone.

Oh and by the way I just realised, When I ended the relationship status on facebook for it to appear on her page she would of had to make her relationship status unhidden after the status had been put back to single otherwise none would have seen it.

I'm not quiet sure what to tell my friends,
If i tell them i logged into her facebook they might get really pissed off with me as they knew her too

Oh and my father is much better now hes been good for about a week now, he's leaving the house again and he's back at work and everything so things are going good,

Thanks again for all your replies and any more suggestions would be very welcome

Wibbs

Good to hear about your dad. That's a weight off.

Facebook? Reading about your interactions with it I'd attempt to back away from the whole thing for a while. I may be wrong but I'd be surprised if you don't you'll be back here soon enough wound up because you're following her on it.

Her mother? I'd say nothing about how you found out, because IMHO the privacy angle will be latched onto to avoid the issue about your ex being disloyal, by her and her mother. Just simply state that you know she was playing away. She knows she was so let her stew in her own juices trying to figure out how. It's possible even probable her and this new guy will make a go of it, so her mother will put two and two together. She may not admit it publicly as it is her daughters dodgy behaviour(naturally).

In any event so what if she doesn't? She's your exes mother not yours. Scrape both of them off and thank your lucky stars you've dodged a bullet. Break all contact with your exes circle or as much as you can. Do NOT log into her facebook/email/voicemail again. Move forward. It will be hard for a time, but with time it will get much easier and like others here looking in you'll be thankful you dodged this bullet.

LegacyUser

If anyone asks, just give them the name of the new man. You do not have to indicate to anyone how you came by your information. Her mother needs, now, to step aside and mind her own business.

Move on with your life and be grateful you've escaped the clutches of this woman. You will meet a better person than her.

Don't worry about whether her family/acquaintances believe you , or not, it's not your job to convince them.



And I repeat about FB. IMO it's a complete and utter waste of space. It's more trouble than it's worth.

ManOfMystery

OP - make sure to take a screenshot of the FB messages as proof.

This will probably not be considered 'good' advice, but I think what what your girlfriend did was abhorrent - and if I was in your shoes and her mother kept asking why we were no longer together, I would simply send her the screenshots so she can see what her perfect daughter is really like.

It's one thing cheating on you, but to do it while you're trying to care for your dad and under some emotional pressure yourself is utterly selfish and just pouring salt on the wound. She should be supporting you here, but she has done the opposite.

LegacyUser

Brokenhearted555 wrote: »

I'd say the sister will not believe a word I say and will believe my ex,
They are like best friends.

But im still not sure what to say to the mother,
Obviously she knows now that we are not together
and has heard whatever she has said about me.

I cant tell her that i logged onto her daughters facebook, im sure she will get really mad and possibly get the police involved maybe?
Or am I just being paranoid?

Firstly glad to hear your father is doing better.

On the above, dont say anything about FB - forget bloody FB

To the Mother and or sister,
just tell them your EX cheated, and get them to ask her about (his name), then say given the circumstances you think its appropriate if they give you some space and that you'd appreciate if your EX could stop bad mouthing you, tell them you've been extremely coutreous and not mentioned this to anyone else dispite her badmouthing you. then say thanks and bye

Simples!!

Wompa1

Yeah get a screenshot in case you find yourself in a situation in which you have to expose her. She sounds like she may try to play games and manipulate your friends to her side.

Tell her mother you found out she had cheated on you. Don't mention how or with who.

LegacyUser

OP in my experience in anything to do with relationships the less people that know the nitty gritty the better. It just leads to other people piping up and speaking on your behalf or hers when really they couldn't possibly know exactly the views of the people involved. Adding fuel to the fire so to speak.

Tell one of your close friends the truth who you know you can trust because you will no doubt need to discuss this with someone face to face, possibly have a bit of a cry - nothing wrong with that. Get it out of your system with one of your closest friends.

Feck her family really, I would literally say - 'me and so and so have broken up as you know, I found out she was cheating on me with somone from work while I've been down here taking care of my father, he's my priority right now so I'd appreciate if you could give me the space I need to get over this and take care of him. Thanks'

And the FB craic - Oh God OP, I know the dangers of FB. I broke up with a boy at the beginning of the year and spent HOURS on FB everyday following what he was doing etc until shortly after we ended he basically changed his privacy settings so that I could see nothing at all anymore on his page, bar his own status updates I think, couldn't write on his wall, see info, see photos where I had been able to before. I don't know if he did this to everyone, just me or what but it was incredibly hurtful (not to mention bizarre - I mean why not just delete me as a friend) and I'm annoyed now with myself I wasted so much time and emotion trying to figure out what it all meant and why he did it. Who cares, bottom line - don't be following her relationship status, her wall etc etc. Delete her and BLOCK HER so that she can't make any contact via FB and I don't think you'll be able to search for her either. Then don't go on FB for a few months. If you're like me you'll be trawling through mutual friends to see what she's up to. It's not healthy and it'll only make the break up process so much harder.

Moomoo1

I think your best bet is to tell the truth. Tell everyone she has cheated.

No need to mention FB, but if people press you, then why not.

Vicxas

Telling everyone over a social media site will make you seem childish i think, just keep it to yourself and if someone asks tell them.

Firetrap

sadfaceandsadheart wrote: »

OP in my experience in anything to do with relationships the less people that know the nitty gritty the better. It just leads to other people piping up and speaking on your behalf or hers when really they couldn't possibly know exactly the views of the people involved. Adding fuel to the fire so to speak.

Tell one of your close friends the truth who you know you can trust because you will no doubt need to discuss this with someone face to face, possibly have a bit of a cry - nothing wrong with that. Get it out of your system with one of your closest friends.

Feck her family really, I would literally say - 'me and so and so have broken up as you know, I found out she was cheating on me with somone from work while I've been down here taking care of my father, he's my priority right now so I'd appreciate if you could give me the space I need to get over this and take care of him. Thanks'

And the FB craic - Oh God OP, I know the dangers of FB. I broke up with a boy at the beginning of the year and spent HOURS on FB everyday following what he was doing etc until shortly after we ended he basically changed his privacy settings so that I could see nothing at all anymore on his page, bar his own status updates I think, couldn't write on his wall, see info, see photos where I had been able to before. I don't know if he did this to everyone, just me or what but it was incredibly hurtful (not to mention bizarre - I mean why not just delete me as a friend) and I'm annoyed now with myself I wasted so much time and emotion trying to figure out what it all meant and why he did it. Who cares, bottom line - don't be following her relationship status, her wall etc etc. Delete her and BLOCK HER so that she can't make any contact via FB and I don't think you'll be able to search for her either. Then don't go on FB for a few months. If you're like me you'll be trawling through mutual friends to see what she's up to. It's not healthy and it'll only make the break up process so much harder.

^^ This

I don't think you should go down the route of telling her or other people how you found out. That will make you look bad. The relationship is over now so there's no point in getting involved in a nasty slanging match. Just be glad you dodged this particular bullet