Using the LTR card???

LegacyUser

When someone is just out of a LTR (5 years) and claim they're not ready to get into a new one although the really like you and even though they initiated the new relationship, did all the chasing and made the relationship as intense as it was.......should you take that at face value?

A guy I was seeing came out with this line recently and obviously I really want to believe that it's a timing thing (I'm being seconded with work abroad for a few months as well). I can't help thinking though that if you like someone enough, other external factors shouldn't really play that much of a role.

Am I reading too much into it? I don't want to give myself false hope that this guy is going to turn around and come back if in reality most people generally use this as an excuse to let someone down gently when the real story is they're just not that into you! We were going out a couple of months but were pretty intense during that time. Maybe it was a rebound thing - I'm not really sure.

What's peoples experience generally with these types of situations? Any advice welcome!

LegacyUser

Hey OP,

I'm recently out of a 5 yr relationship myself and have met someone I really like. Despite the fact that I like this person and plan on continue seeing them if they were to ask me what I'm looking for I would have to say nothing serious. For now...

It can be a bit intimidating when you come out of a serious relationship (especially after a bad breakup) to face going straight back into one. At the same time I like this person and would like to keep seeing them, keeping it casual and light.

I think sometimes 'I'm not ready for a serious relationship' can be a line trotted out because the person is not really interested in a relationship with you in particular. But not always. You just gotta figure out which one applies to him.

um7y1h83ge06nx

Who knows really being honest.

Last year I was out of a 4 year relationship and met a girl after 3 months. Now, being honest, I had a whirlwind 3 months, and met several girls, think it was part of the grieving process really.

Anyway, I don't think the timing was ideal, I wasn't over the last relationship and probably could have done with at least another few months being single. However, I really liked her so I dealt with all my doubts and issues on my own without telling her. It was tough being honest, the big thing for me was trying to open myself up to another woman and run the risk of getting hurt again. Somehow I managed it and we're together just over a year now, it was a fantastic decision.

So it's definitely not easy, and I think people can sometimes over-estimate a man's ability to overcome a break-up. I had to do an awful lot of soul searching before I could feel settled. I reckoned if I told my GF my thoughts, she would probably have run a mile.

So maybe it's just a rebound or maybe he's just verbalising the doubts that I hid?

IpreDictDeatH

My girlfriend was in a relationship of 7 years before she met me, with a gap of around 6-7 months. We certainly have had our ups and downs and still sometimes her past comes back to haunt her, but we are together two years now and we are smitten for each other. Never knew this kind of partnership existed to be honest.

So it does happen, people do just click and find a way to over come past issues. But in saying that, if the guy has told you he isnt ready, id move on. Only reason i hung around when times got tough with my girlfriend was because we were quite clearly right for each other. If i got a hint that we werent id have gotton out ASAP. It wouldnt have been worth it. If he is acting cold, dont chase. Last thing you wanna do is become a door mat. Have respect for your quality of life and let him know you wont accept anything but total commitment to you. You deserve somebody to be completely smitten for you, and if this guy isnt that person, you wont be long before finding that guy soon m sure.

I am a friend

whatstherealstory wrote: »

When someone is just out of a LTR (5 years) and claim they're not ready to get into a new one .......should you take that at face value?

YES you listen to what they tell you. A lot of heart break would be avoided if people would just listen.

He did all the chasing but its all on his terms so he got you to the point where you feel its an intense 'relationship' but inreality, as he has stated the above, its only a friend with benefits relationship for him.

Miss Fluff

whatstherealstory wrote: »

When someone is just out of a LTR (5 years) and claim they're not ready to get into a new one although the really like you and even though they initiated the new relationship, did all the chasing and made the relationship as intense as it was.......should you take that at face value?

To be honest yes, you should. This guy has expressly said that he is not ready for a relationship so I would take that to mean that he is not ready for a relationship.

I think all too often we women (myself included) convince ourselves "well maybe he means this" and "he probably actually means that".

This man has explicitly said he does not want a relationship and unless his actions prove otherwise then I'd be inclined to believe him.

If you really listen to people they will normally tell you what they mean.

LegacyUser

Hi, OP here - thanks for the input so far it helps to read somebody elses experience and impartial advice!

Firstly judging from the posts so far it seems that just being out of a long term relationship didn't affect kicking things off with someone new IF you really like them. This really doesn't bode well for me! Although the fact that I will be working away for a time has probably thrown a curveball in the mix too.

Just in relation to Miss Fluff and I am A Friend's points. I have listened to him and accepted his reasons and we've broken up. I'm not contemplating chasing him or trying to convince him otherwise unless he decides he actually is ready, I know that if we were to continue I'd most likely get hurt because he has told me where he is with it.

I'm really wondering, from people's previous experience, especially those coming out of LTRs, where you've found yourself saying to someone that you're not ready, do you think it was more the person you weren't ready to commit to or you genuinely were just not ready? I don't want to hang onto the idea that he's going to come back if it's most likely a case of just not being that into me anymore.

G-Money

I posted something similar on another thread.

I got a similar line delivered to me by a girl. She had been in an LTR before and although she'd been with a few guys since, she didn't want a relationship, didn't want anything serious etc etc.

This went on for about 2 1/2 months and to cut a long story short, she eventually she decided that nothing could happen with me, despite her saying she really liked me. Instead, she went off and started seeing some other guy about 2 weeks later.

I was pretty hurt by it to be honest and it took me a long time to get over it. It's been a few years since that happened and even though I've been with other girls since, I still held on to some anger and bitterness over how it turned out until quite recently.

I think I'm finally over it now and I don't really feel that anger or anything anymore when I think about how things went. I still kind of regret not walking away at the start, but you can't change the past. Nothing good really came of it, except the experience and warning signs to look out for in the future. I'm glad to have that knowledge, I just wish I didn't have to go through the hurt to get it.

Even now a couple of years later, I haven't heard from her and I don't want to. But even if she called me tomorrow asking to give things a 2nd chance, I don't think I would. I really wouldn't trust her not to do something similar again.

Tread with caution OP.

LegacyUser

Thanks G-Money for your post. I'm sorry to hear that you were so badly hurt by that situation. Unfortunately in my case I didn't have the option to walk away early because I wasn't aware of the LTR, perhaps if I'd known I would have been more cautious although I do think it's better to take a chance than to let something potentially great slip past you.

My issue now is that it didn't end in such a great fashion and that even though I would like to keep some contact, I don't even feel that it's possible, even on a casual basis given the awkwardness now

G-Money

You say you want to stay in contact. I would only do that for the right reasons if I were you OP. Don't stay in contact if you are secretly hoping he will change his mind and decide he wants a relationship.

Perhaps I'm a bit too black n white about these things, but I don't really believe in hanging around waiting for someone who doesn't really want the same thing.

Hope it works out for the best.

LegacyUser

Yeah I suppose a part of me would be keeping in contact merely to keep lines open so that there may be more of a possibility when this placement ends that we'd have been in contact and there would be greater chance of a reconciliation. That's probably not the greatest approach for me as I'll end up hanging on and hoping where there may be none.

He's just deleted me as a friend on FB in any case so I expect that if he wanted us to really be friends and keep in contact as he suggested, it may just have been a line after all! Or perhaps he doesn't want me to see things that may upset me on FB as he's pursuing this new single life! I don't know

Miss Fluff

whatstherealstory wrote: »

He's just deleted me as a friend on FB in any case so I expect that if he wanted us to really be friends and keep in contact as he suggested, it may just have been a line after all! Or perhaps he doesn't want me to see things that may upset me on FB as he's pursuing this new single life! I don't know

Not being friends with him on FB will make things way easier. I think you trying to maintain a friendship with this guy would be under false pretences as you're obviously quite keen on him and would always be hoping for it to develop into something more.

He's obviously keen to make a clean break and move on. It probably seems a bit cold of him but it's not really. Sounds like he has made his decision and is going to stick to it and while that probably smarts a little it is WAY fairer on you in the long run. You're just going to have to chalk this one down to one that didn't work out hon.

Alopex

anytime i've used it is to sleep with a girl i have no long term interest in but sense she wants more

Wibbs

whatstherealstory wrote: »

Firstly judging from the posts so far it seems that just being out of a long term relationship didn't affect kicking things off with someone new IF you really like them.

I'd say it depends on a few factors. Yes the if you really like them is a big factor, but that itself can be down to whether you're in an emotional place to be able to really like them in the first place. You could meet someone a year after a major LTR ends and could fall head over heels for, but wouldn't look twice at them a month after it ends. You need to be in an emotionally healthy place where you've processed the previous relationship or you're looking down the barrel of rebound. The length of the previous LTR seems to be another factor. A major one splitting at the 3 year mark is a harder one to get over than one that splits at say the 8 year mark. Plus who split with whom is a big one. If they were the one dumped they're more likely to carry some baggage than if they were doing the dumping.

Alopex wrote: »

anytime i've used it is to sleep with a girl i have no long term interest in but sense she wants more

This, or just to let them know up front what's what. Give them all the info and if they want to continue then fine. Though I have found as Miss Fluff mentioned that some women can be very good at conjuring up a backstory to convince themselves that "he doesn't really mean it/he'll change/I'll change him" because that's what they want to believe, so now if I got the sniff of that I'd dial the whole thing way back.

Just in relation to Miss Fluff and I am A Friend's points. I have listened to him and accepted his reasons and we've broken up. I'm not contemplating chasing him or trying to convince him otherwise unless he decides he actually is ready, I know that if we were to continue I'd most likely get hurt because he has told me where he is with it.

Exactly and fair play. That's the way to look at it, pain in the bum though it may currently be.

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone for the comments - it is helping!

I think the main distinction here is that he doesn't want to continue it, he's made that pretty clear by his behaviour since etc so I don't think he was trying to get some sort of convenient no strings attached sex situation going. (not sure if I should be insulted or see it as a positive that he doesn't want anything from me!!!) I don't want to carry on either in the short term necessarily given that I will be heading away with work soon and based on what he has told me and what everyone has said - I'd get hurt.

I suppose the thing is I'm not so much conjuring up reasons to justify keeping in contact in the hope of somekind of reconciliation in the immediate future, more so I can stay in some limited contact with him and hope that when I come back in the new year something will develop. We got to know each other really well before anything happened over email (he's one of my friends cousins who I would have known from being around and out on nights out) so this wasn't some guy I just met in a random bar and didn't know from Adam, it was someone I genuinely had feelings for for a while. I really want to believe that the LTR and my secondment is the real reason - not that he just stopped liking me!!

No way of knowing really - the proof would be if he did strike up some random contact sometime in the future. But I can't hang around waiting really.

For all my justifying anyway I'm kind of a believer that if you truly like someone, you wouldn't want to let them slip away, no matter what was going on so if he did truly like me as much as he let on, I think that he'd have given it a go. That being said, I've been single for a year and half now so I'm probably looking at it from a completely different perspective.

Emme

whatstherealstory wrote: »

For all my justifying anyway I'm kind of a believer that if you truly like someone, you wouldn't want to let them slip away, no matter what was going on so if he did truly like me as much as he let on, I think that he'd have given it a go. That being said, I've been single for a year and half now so I'm probably looking at it from a completely different perspective.

If the guy says he doesn't want a LTR he doesn't want a LTR. It could be that he wants you as a f***buddy or isn't ready for a LTR with anyone.

I understand how it's hard when you've been single for a long time (been there, done that, wearing the t-shirt ) and all guys seem to offer you is crumbs.

It's up to you if you want to accept the crumbs (FB situation with a guy who doesn't want a LTR with you) or hold out for something better. That said, there's no guarantee that something better will come along. However, if you're not single and available you might miss it!

LegacyUser

I don't really think that he wants a FB situation though - I don't think he wants anything at all in the immediate future. If he did want a type of no strings attached scenario I think he would have been in contact since and hinting at meeting up etc.

Maybe it's a good thing in the sense that he respects me enough that he doesn't want it to develop into that kind of situation...........or I suppose maybe it's a bad thing because he doesn't want anything at all to do with me and perhaps it really was a line just to let me down gently, he just went off me and is more interested in having a bit of time getting off with a load of different girls instead!!

See this is why I've been single as long as I have. The 'fun while it lasts theory' and the whole 'better to regret doing it than not doing it' carry on is all very well but when it does end it's bloody ****e! It may seem that we weren't going out very long but we were fairly serious for that time AND getting involved is a bit of a big deal for me. I tend to stay well clear so this has just kind of knocked me back a few years again