Old friend changes

LegacyUser

I have, or rather had it seems, a very close friend from secondary school.

In the last 25yrs we both emigrated to different countries, and moved in different circles.

We always kept up correspondance by letter, phone and then email when the internet arrived in our lives.

We would normally meet up every christmas when we were both home in Ireland.
I moved back to Ireland, and in the last couple of years she has become very successful with her career abroad.

Two years ago, she was home and we met for dinner, as it was her birthday a couple of days later I was looking forward to celebrating it with her. I did think it was odd that she had posted an event on facebook to celebrate her birthday for a couple of days later.

On the day of her birthday, I texted and phoned her and received no reply. I just thought this was her having her phone in her bag or something, and I phoned another mutual friend to find out where she was. She was at a gig in Dublin that she had not told me about. I kind of felt something here was odd, but as we had been such close friends for 25yrs, I thought nothing more of it and headed into town.

It was a horrible night. She was pissed off I had turned up, uninvited, and she had a collection of our old schoolfriends there with here. I just couldn't believe it. She behaved arrogantly towards me all night, and I said sharp words to her, which I later apologised for by email. However she never apologised, and nothing more was said as she was going abroad again, to another different country for a new work opportunity.

Over a year had passed, and this was the first time in these 25yrs we had not been in contact. She sent me an email before Christmas 2010, to say she would be home. I replied saying how much I looked forward to seeing her, and invited her over to my new house.

I heard nothing in response. Instead I received a generic invitation on facebook inviting me to an event, that had been sent out to 400 other people! On the event description was a bit egocentric to be honest, hey come celebrate with me that I'm home type of thing.

I was unable to attend, and very upset that for the very first time in all the christmases I could remember since being a small child, she had not contacted me personally for us to meet together and catch up. In fact I just couldn't believe it.

I decided that I had sent her enough emails after that birthday fiasco, apologising for my words and the ball was really in her court now, to either explain or shed some light on what had happened between us.

I have just discovered now she is home for a couple of weeks this summer. No word from her. Except of course, a generic facebook event invitation to join her and god knows who else or how many to have drinks and a night out at some place in town to celebrate her return? Her success? who knows? It is an invite sent to a number of people who I know she thinks are lesser aquaintances, and know it seems I am just a part of this crowd.

I am heartbroken because this is one of my closest friends. Or so I thought. I understand that friends can come and go in life, but we have been part of each other's life for so long! I tried calling her, but she was 'on another call'. Then I got the facebook invite.

I have no idea how to deal with this, let alone get over it.

I do want to have some dignity here, so I don't want to be continously trying to contact her to know what has happened. Yet, at the same time, I just feel absolutely devastated. and damn angry, I must admit.

I have been unsuccessful in my career, or to be honest, complete lack of one. So I have little money. I really do hope that it is not my lack of 'relative' success or money that has caused this.

I never thought she would be that kind of person, however she is somebody has just been extremely lucky in life, without a doubt she has worked hard and made the best of the opportunities available to her. However, she has always had a 'lucky streak'.
I don't know what to think, is she shunning me because successful people don't like to be around those who plainly aren't, or what is it?

Miss Fluff

Sometimes you can just grow away or grow apart from friends and it can be very confusing for the "injured" party because it's not like there is a formal breakup like there would be when you're actually in a relationship with someone.

Personally I would say you turning up at an arranged outing uninvited didn't help you. That kind of intrusiveness and rudeness would really p1ss me off so I can understand her being annoyed with you for that.

Sounds like to me you've been relegated to the role of a casual friend. I think if you were as close as you claim then by all means send her one last email asking her specifically what you have done and why she seems to be shutting you out. She may or may not answer but at least then you'll know....

trio

Decline the invite, but send a two-line email saying "Sorry I can't be there - hope you have an absolutely brilliant night! Looking forward to seeing the pics on FB! Love Always, XX"

And come Christmas, just post "Hey, hope we bump into each other whilst you're home! If not, hope Santa brings you nice things!" or something equally neutral. So it's clear you don't expect her to even get in touch at all, but would be totally cool if you did happen to bump into each other in the pub and are totally The Bigger Person about it all.

If you send her an email, no matter how dignified you want it to be, it'll still come off as huffy and affronted. No matter how controlled your tone. It'll be "Me Hurt, You Heartless" no matter how you phrase it.

And she may not even answer the bloody thing! You sent her an apology and she didn't answer that, did she? And if you send her an email going "I'm worried about our friendship at the moment" and she DOESN'T answer, then it's going to be horrendously awkward the next time ye two meet. And it's going to cause you a lot of agony that you could spare yourself by just taking the high road and letting her off.

LegacyUser

Thanks so much for replies. I am utterly alone with this and I cannot speak to anybody regarding this and am grateful for this outlet.

Tonight, I saw reeling in the years for the year 1987, and I remember us doing the intercert, and sharing everything as we did since we were 12, and right up until a couple of years ago.
Its bizarre, I know, but I feel in mourning. I woke up twice last night, after not being able to sleep for a few nights about this, in tears crying.

I miss her so much. But maybe I miss the person I knew for so long. Maybe success and such popularity and vying for her attention has changed her.

It is true that you cannot know the ins and outs of a friendship between two people that has lasted a quarter of century.
I understand cutting friends out from your life who are no good for you, but I know I was not toxic, or anything like that, after all we are both almost 40 now, so surely we have been over the worst? Or so I thought.

For this very reason, the fact of the longevity of our friendship, and it was very close, that made me make that ultimate social faux pas of turning up uninvited. I just could not take it for real that I had not been invited. I would never normally do that,(turning up uninvited to an event let alone a birthday), but when you are that close to somebody for so long, you just cant imagine that she would exclude you from an intimate gathering for her birthday.

Anybody else, I would take the route of 'shiney happy hey how are you' next time I meet them. But, I just can't here. Most of my life she has been an integral part of. Boyfriends, husbands, other friends have come and gone. I cannot believe I have the reality to face of that she is no longer in my life. It is so hard to accept.

I looked over the old emails I wrote her. And no, I can't write anymore. I think I have to somehow find a way to accept this. Is there anybody else who has had a lifetime friend that can help me understand or deal with this?

LegacyUser

I've a longterm friend of about 30 years.

We're in our late 30s now.

There was a time when I was very put out by his behaviour when he was seeing various girlfriends as he'd completely dump me. How could he do this to his best friend?

Looking back, yes, he didn't treat me right but at the same time, I was overly dependent on him as a friend. So, I went out and made new friends in the last couple of years which has balanced things out. In fact, I've met people who I have more in common with.

While he's still my best mate, I don't depend on him to go out. He's a big part of my life but not the biggest.

Don't email her. Let it go. If she wants to get in touch with you she will.

It sounds like she doesn't see you as a big part of her life anymore and hasn't for some time.

It's sad to face but I think that you need to forget about her and move on.

LegacyUser

It's very hard when a friend moves on. My best friend and I stopped speaking about a year and a half ago. We were the best friends you could ever meet, like peas and carrots! Until that is, she dumped me for her boyfriend. Categorically dumped me. To make matters worse, her boyfriend didn't like me at all due to the fact he asked me out a lot prior to starting up with my best friend. I refused to go out with him. Awkward!

We flogged our friendship to death, both of us hurting each other for about two years. I can "both of us hurting each other" now, but at the time it felt like she was callous, cold and the worst person in the world. And I was a saint!

It's only been with a LOT of heartache and time that my wounds have healed a little. I can't speak for her but I don't think we'll ever speak again. And as sad as that is, it was the right decision. You learn who people truly are by knowing them for extensive periods of time. My ex-friend wasn't the person I thought she was. And I'm sure I wasn't the person she thought I was.

It will hurt so much, to let go of your friendship. But in time you'll know it was the most positive thing you could have done. And if you can save some of your memories of when the friendship was good, then that's a bonus.

Firetrap

feellikeimgrieving wrote: »

I miss her so much. But maybe I miss the person I knew for so long. Maybe success and such popularity and vying for her attention has changed her.

Perhaps this is the crux of the matter? How often have both of you actually met up over the years. You mention living in different countries so I'm getting the impression that this has been a long distance friendship for quite a while.

Perhaps, and maybe I'm totally off-beam with this, you're too intense for her? People change, people move on. Not everyone continues to have the best friend type friendships they had as teenagers.

Anyway, it's all academic now. Personally I'd not even bother sending her an email or making contact with her any more. Let her do the chasing

LegacyUser

feellikeimgrieving wrote: »

I miss her so much. But maybe I miss the person I knew for so long.

That's the key sentence. I went through a painful separation a few years ago and everything reminded me of things we used to do. I missed her so much. Then I realised that I was missing the person she used to be, not the person she is now. Once I realised that the person I loved is gone it was a bit easier to move on. People change and it can really hurt. Over time you learn not to cry about the loss but smile about and be grateful for the good times that you did have.

tenchi-fan

This woman is nothing, you do realise that? I doubt she has any real friends and spends her entire year looking forward to her goofy facebook-friend-fest.

Have some self respect, lose contact with this woman, and lose the inferiority complex while you're at it.

King of Kings

tenchi-fan wrote: »

This woman is nothing, you do realise that? I doubt she has any real friends and spends her entire year looking forward to her goofy facebook-friend-fest.

Have some self respect, lose contact with this woman, and lose the inferiority complex while you're at it.

harsh but good advise.

I think she is treating you badly and your post reads that has happened around the time of her elevation into the realm of "success".
Could it be possible she sees you as beneath her now that she is a success an dyou by your own admission are not ?

If so , she is a waste of space and deserves nothing rom you - not even an attempt at reconciliation.