How do I get her out of my head?

LegacyUser

Ok so there's this girl in work I am crazy about. We're both mid twenties.

Since we met at the start of the year I've fallen big time for her. The flirting started then. We would always catch each others eye in work and hold it, always chat (almost daily) on facebook, stopping to chat in the hallways etc. The first time I headed out on a night out she purposefully made an effort to be there too (texting around to see where it was because she didn't know the other girls) because I said I was going. I really got the impression she liked me.

So, I asked her out. She told me she was seeing someone. I was absolutely gutted. Rarely have I ever felt this way about anyone.

Eventually I got over that but was still seeing her everyday in work. The flirting continued, cue me being headwrecked (but hopeful). She kept asking me if I was going on the nites out too. Eventually I heard she "met" another guy in work on a night out (that I missed). I was destroyed. I deactivated my facebook, cut the flirting totally (pulled back on entirely) and essentially ignored her in work. She became very clingy and upped the flirting and being nice to me a lot.

Turns out she was mortified she got with him (she was very drunk) and a number of people confirmed to me it was a stupid mistake she very much regrets (she even told me herself).

So, I still really like her and we are both still flirting (hey, it feels good right?). Still chatting away on facebook, going on nites out. On one night out, a colleagues birthday party, she arrives and makes a beeline for me and tells me she's having trouble with her car. I go out to have a look and we both get in. She drives around for a bit. I drive it, we're chatting. I REALLY get the impression she likes me (why would she get me on my own at a party?!) so we get back to the pub and I ask her straight out is she seeing anyone. Yes, she is She is genuinely apologetic. I am totally confused.

Cue 10 mins later her car breaks down and she calls me in tears (her parents are away). I arrange to go out to her and arrange to get her towed. Anyway we get the car and her sorted.

In work then the next day I try and pull back for my own sake but she ups the flirting a lot.

Cue another few weeks of me being headwrecked but still flirting/chatting/being nice because I like her so much. Keep in mind she has never once mentioned her boyfriend to me or anyone (he's not even hinted at on facebook) and even others in work are commenting on us being together at the party and that we should be a couple. People in work are saying she definitely likes me.

Anyway to cut a long story short, she goes on holidays, comes back, is really chatty with me but then may have gotten jealous of how close I am with another girl in work (just a mate) and she started acting strange. Not saying hello, not looking at me. Walking right past me. She is flirting heavily with other guys in work too, especially so in my presence. One particular day she looked outright disgusted to see me, and was flirting like crazy with a few other guys around but ignoring me. During this conversation I hear her say that she is "a single girl and can do what I want" amid laughter.

Of course I am very hurt by this. I have to pull back again. But again a few days later she cannot take her eyes off me, and really seemed to be making an effort with me (my mate commented on this).

So that leads to now where we are still on good terms but I am headwrecked still. I got advice to pull back entirely as she is bad for me. but I just can't. I'm hopelessly addicted to her. I want her more than anything. Every new positive development makes me hopeful and puts me right back at square one. As much as I don't want to admit it, she has my heart in her hands. I think I am in love with her.

Any other girl I would have forgotten about this long ago. But not with her. She is also gorgeous, cute, funny, kind, intelligent etc. Anytime I see her I get butterflies in my stomach. I can't control how I feel.

Unfortunately I think this will not go anywhere. She might be single, and have lied to me about it to spare my feelings or she may be in a casual relationship with someone. I don't know. She may be just using me as an ego boost, or might be afraid of commitment or afraid of seeing a workmate.

But I cannot move on with my life because I compare everyone to her and I see her several days a week.

How do I get her out of my head?

Vicxas

I think IMO this girl uses you as an emotional crutch, she uses you to boost her ego so that she can go out feeling good about herself, whilst leaving you drained and confused.

Id ask her outright where does she think you two would go, and if you dont get your answer ask her to drop the flirting as its misleading.

LegacyUser

You say this girl is kind, but she is certainly not being kind to you. I know what it's like to feel so strongly for someone that you would forgive them almost anything, but this girl is messing with you, plain and simple. And it's not fair. Every time you 'pull back', her ego is wounded and so she has to 'win you over' again. It's obvious that she knows you like her, and wants to keep it that way. Do you really want your life to be controlled by someone else in that way? It's YOUR life.

If I were you, I'd say it to her straight out: 'Look, I like you, and I don't appreciate being toyed with. You say you're seeing someone yet you're always flirting with me, and it's starting to really get to me. I need to know where I stand once and for all, because I can't continue like this.' Putting an ultimatum to her is the only way you'll move on from this - either with or without her. I know you like her, but you sound like a nice guy and you don't deserve to let this girl have such control over your life. Do you want to be in the same position 2 years, 5 years from now, having missed opportunities to meet other great people because you're pining over this girl who doesn't know what she wants with you, but will see other people in the meantime? It sounds dramatic, but it's very possible. I know, because I was in a similar situation and it happened to me!

booboo88

In short, she's playing head games, notice when you pull away she ups the flirting, but yet tells you she's seeing someone? She wants you to chase her but she doesnt want to do anything with you

Red Hand

You are an ego boost, man, nothing more. You've asked her out a few times and each time she has rejected you.

Yet she still wants attention from you when it suits her and so flirts and tries to get you interested. Remain friends with her but don't be an idiot and think that she actually likes you more than as a friend/backup.

LegacyUser

Honestly, I could have written that post a while back. In fact, it's so close to what I went through I'd nearly think it was the same girl.

It's not realistic for you to cut contact with her, after all, you work with her, but it is possible to cut down on unnecessary contact. I know it isn't easy but it's the only option, imo. No texting, no facebook, etc. To bring this about you should lay it all out for her. Say you want to be more than friends and if she can't give you that then you need to find someone who can.

The next thing is to get out there and meet someone who knows she wants you.

fonecrusher1

As others have said she's clearly taking the piss with you. She's doesn't want to be with you in a romantic way. Cut all ties & see what happens.

If she is into you she'll persue you after she realises you've given her the heave-ho. Then its up to you really.

Either way be more pro-active about the situation.

LegacyUser

right i have just been through similar, second the fact you work with her makes things alot more difficult, its not simply a case of being able to cut complete contact. Think about this, if she is this much of a headwrecker, attention seeker, insecure. I mean at the end of the day non of us know for sure, we can only speculate. Anyway since myself and the girl I was seeing stopped contact, my head is so much clearer. And in hindsight I really dodged a bullet. You end up with one of those girls and its going to be drama from start to finnish! "She is flirting heavily with other guys in work too, especially so in my presence. One particular day she looked outright disgusted to see me, and was flirting like crazy with a few other guys around but ignoring me. During this conversation I hear her say that she is "a single girl and can do what I want" amid laughter." honestly what an immature gimp! man you are dodging a bullet by if you dont get with her, in the heat of the moment, we all look at things differently, if she wanted to be with you, you have given her enough opportunities. If I were you Id wear the face off someone at your next work do, infront of her if I could!

ManOfMystery

helpwhatdoido? wrote: »

but I am headwrecked still

That's because you're dealing with a complete headwrecker.

You've put her on some kind of pedestal because of the promise of what she might offer you - a satisfying relationship. But she is giving you nothing back. You're in love with her? I would argue you're in love with the idea of her being your girlfriend - the reality is a lot different.

She isn't straight with you. She's hot/cold depending on the amount of attention you give her. She isn't consistent about whether she's with someone or not. She can't go out with you, yet snogged another guy from work. She flirts with you, yet is fully aware you like her and knows what effect this has on you.

Look, we'll all met girls (and men) like this at one time or another. They love attention, but they refuse to commit or tie themselves down. This girl laps up the attention she knows she will get from you, but refuses to give you anything back. If she really wanted to go out with you OP, it would not be this difficult - millions of other men and women manage it without the drama.

Her vagueness and inconsistencies imply that she may not even be totally honest with you about the bf situation. Either way, I feel ultimately she has no intention of having any kind of a relationship with you but gets off on the flirting and attention she receives.

Move on - plenty of other nice girls out there who deserve your attention more than her.