too soon?

LegacyUser

Hi, so I'm recently out of a 4 yr relationship. I got quite badly hurt in the end through no fault of my own. It has been about 4 months and I've recently met someone I like quite a lot.

we have met a few times and went out on one proper date during which he said he doesnt believe in love and long term relationships are scary. now I wasnt plannin on jumpin head first into another serious relationship but now I'm worried that if I continue seeing him and do start to fall for him down the line he'll just hurt me. Should I just walk away?

Am I setting myself up for a fall here? because I don't want to get hurt again. thanks

@rti-shm@rti

I don't think it's necessarily too soon for you to get involved with someone, that really depends on the individual and there's no set time where all of a sudden you'll be 'ready'. Some things just happen.

However I would urge caution with this one! It really depends on whether he's not had experience of relationships and the idea freaks him out and he may be willing to give it a go with you OR whether he's had experiences and long term situations are just not where he is right now. I'd try and clarify that if I were you. If he's interested in keeping it casual indefinitely I know I wouldn't be able for that kind of situation, particularly if I really liked the guy

I am a friend

likehimalot wrote: »

he said he doesnt believe in love and long term relationships are scary

I think you need to believe him when he says this and i know, for me, I would not want to be involved with someone who has limitations on where the relationship could go...

I think what he is saying, in a round about way, is that he wants a casual fling. If you cant do that fine but if you think your heart can get involved then walk.

Vicxas

Unfortunately it sounds like he wants a fling tbh, people who "dont believe in love" are usually scared of being hurt again.

Wibbs

I am a friend wrote: »

I think you need to believe him when he says this

+1. If you listen I mean actually listen to people then people will rarely surprise you. They will tell you how they are feeling in a straight up manner. Too often we all project our desires and way of thinking onto others.

IME the ladies can be worse for this in romantic situations, especially long term commitment situations. Project their relationship wants onto the guy and ignore his clear signs or see his clear signs and ignore them on the principle he may change his mind and only says this at this moment. IMHO men are more stable or boring depending on viewpoint when it comes to emotions over time. What he means today hes likely to mean the same thing in a year. Or the woman thinks her love will change his mind. Yep it can happen, but it doesn't happen more often for the longterm. In this scenario forget your own wants for the moment and see how he acts and what he says. If he says he doesn't see a long term commitment this equals 9 times outa 10... well that he just doesn't see a long term commitment.

Vicxas wrote:

people who "dont believe in love" are usually scared of being hurt again.

True enough or with some they're past the love stage and just don't seem to feel it like they used to. Hell I'd be one of those. In my case it's not fear. I can feel a litte echo of what it felt like in the past, but that's all it is an echo. I've met some really amazing women(and very few tards) since the last time I was in love. A couple way "better" than the women I have fallen for before, but nada on the butterflies part. My head said yea, my crotch said "goddamn!" but my heart said "meh". I've a few male mates like that too. Funny enough and maybe it's just the women I've known and know, but even the ones with the shíttiest relationship histories with a long line of windowlickers, wasters and downright pricks behind them still seem to keep that amazing capacity to want to and be able to fall in love again. For all the stuff you hear about women bitching about how all men are dogs etc men seem to get more cynical and jaded with experience.

There's also the possibility that they don't believe in love/longterm commitment with the person posing the question. I've heard mates male and female being told by someone they're into that they're not ready for love/relationship only to jump into full on loves a month later with someone else.

OP just be careful. Take it easy, see how it goes. Don't pressurise it, him or you. Give it say a month or two. See how the land lies then. If he is going to change his mind, in my humble you'll know it at that stage. If not find a man who won't have that mindset to change in the first place. The world's full of them.

LegacyUser

thanks for the replies. the funny thing is I'm not actually looking for anything too serious here either, I'd just like to know that if in a few months I really find myself falling for him he wont turn around and tell me to get lost. So I'm just wondering whether to get out now before I get emotionally invested?

he has given me some pretty mixed signals I suppose, he did all the chasing and has continued to be the one making most of the effort at the moment. I'm trying to keep a distance a little bit because I'm not sure what hes looking for and its very early days. He didnt say that he didnt believe in love quite... It was more of 'I'm wary of that word love, people say it a lot and most dont mean it'. and we were talkin about past relationships etc he said he doesnt really do long relationships and doesnt understand how people our age are in them. I'm just not quite sure what he expects from me but I dont wanna come across all nutso by askin him after one date.

johnr1

Wibbs wrote: »

+1. If you listen I mean actually listen to people then people will rarely surprise you. They will tell you how they are feeling in a straight up manner. Too often we all project our desires and way of thinking onto others.

IME the ladies can be worse for this in romantic situations, especially long term commitment situations. Project their relationship wants onto the guy and ignore his clear signs or see his clear signs and ignore them on the principle he may change his mind and only says this at this moment. IMHO men are more stable or boring depending on viewpoint when it comes to emotions over time. What he means today hes likely to mean the same thing in a year. Or the woman thinks her love will change his mind. Yep it can happen, but it doesn't happen more often for the longterm. In this scenario forget your own wants for the moment and see how he acts and what he says. If he says he doesn't see a long term commitment this equals 9 times outa 10... well that he just doesn't see a long term commitment.

True enough or with some they're past the love stage and just don't seem to feel it like they used to. Hell I'd be one of those. In my case it's not fear. I can feel a litte echo of what it felt like in the past, but that's all it is an echo. I've met some really amazing women(and very few tards) since the last time I was in love. A couple way "better" than the women I have fallen for before, but nada on the butterflies part. My head said yea, my crotch said "goddamn!" but my heart said "meh". I've a few male mates like that too. Funny enough and maybe it's just the women I've known and know, but even the ones with the shíttiest relationship histories with a long line of windowlickers, wasters and downright pricks behind them still seem to keep that amazing capacity to want to and be able to fall in love again. For all the stuff you hear about women bitching about how all men are dogs etc men seem to get more cynical and jaded with experience.

There's also the possibility that they don't believe in love/longterm commitment with the person posing the question. I've heard mates male and female being told by someone they're into that they're not ready for love/relationship only to jump into full on loves a month later with someone else.

OP just be careful. Take it easy, see how it goes. Don't pressurise it, him or you. Give it say a month or two. See how the land lies then. If he is going to change his mind, in my humble you'll know it at that stage. If not find a man who won't have that mindset to change in the first place. The world's full of them.

Wibbs, great post as per usual. Clearly you should be writing books on this stuff if you don't already. Your clarity of thought is truly original.

OP, read and re-read, its as close as you're ever gonna get to getting inside a guy's head.

Wibbs

likehimalot wrote: »

he has given me some pretty mixed signals I suppose, he did all the chasing and has continued to be the one making most of the effort at the moment.

Not quite lass, he gave a clear enough signal when he said "I don't believe in love and long term relationships are scary" and "I'm wary of that word love, people say it a lot and most don't mean it" and "I don't really do long relationships and don't understand how people our age are in them" so how do you come to the point of?

I'm just not quite sure what he expects from me

but I dont wanna come across all nutso by askin him after one date.

Well two things; it's only one official date so I think and understand why you want to know, but it's very early. You're forcing it a bit. More than a bit at this stage. Forcing it to what you need and again that's understandable. The problem is that what you need may cloud your mind to what he's saying and doing and telling you. After one date and a brief interaction beforehand you can't really tell what's what yet. I'd still say give it a time limit and listen to his words, watch his actions and try to step back from what you may want to happen and see what is being said and what is happening.

LegacyUser

Hey Wibbs, thanks for the reply, I think you've hit the nail on the head on a couple things. I agree that maybe I should just take him on his word. I'm just not sure if that means I should just forget him or not? Ordinarily I wouldnt but I'm just weary after getting badly hurt recently and I really don't need another messer in my life.

Wibbs wrote: »

it's only one official date so I think and understand why you want to know, but it's very early. You're forcing it a bit. More than a bit at this stage. Forcing it to what you need and again that's understandable.

I don't agree with this however. I'm not projecting some sort of wonderful relationship onto this guy. I'm simply not in the market for something thats never going to go anywhere. I'm not sure what I want at the moment, whether it be casual fun or a proper relationship...

There have been more mixed messages he has given me that I'm not goin to go into the detail of here, to be honest I don't know what to think!

I'm thinkin of just going with the flow for the moment and keepin my emotions in check. If I start to feel anything more for him I might ask what it is he's in it for. If I get a dodgy answer then I'll just cut contact. Thanks I really appreciate the reply.

G-Money

I'm a guy and was in the position where I met a girl and liked her and she was the one saying she wasn't looking for a boyfriend, anything long-term etc. I ignored that and was hoping she'd change her mind but she didn't and I got hurt and a couple of weeks later, she started seeing someone else.

I was quite hurt by it all and even though I've seen a few other girls since, I was still quite angry and bitter about it. Anytime I thought of her, I'd get this ball of anger or bitterness building up in my stomach. Although I'm not sure why, but now I don't seem to care about it so much. This happened over two years ago but it's only the last few weeks or months where I feel like I possibly have let it go for good.

I wouldn't go back to her as I wouldn't trust her not to do something similar again and I'm not looking to get back in touch, but I feel like possibly I've let go of it finally.

I always regretted not walking at the start. I was glad of the experience I got from it, but I just wish I didn't have to go through the pain in order to get it. Looking back, there were some nice moments, but I think they were mostly in my head and to be honest, nothing positive came out of the whole thing, except the knowledge and warning signs to look out for in the future.

I also agree with Wibbs in that some people will trot out the "I'm not ready for a relationship" blah blah blah and in the blink of an eye they start seeing someone else and suddenly have no problem going head first into a full-on relationship. In my mind that just means they don't really like you that much and although that's not very nice, unfortunately you just have to accept it sometimes. I still believe it happened to me in this case.

To be honest I'd stay away rather than get involved if you think you are going to become attached to him. As I'd almost be certain you'll end up hoping and thinking you can change his mind, but that will just drag things out even more.

All the best.