Dodgy territory...

healz

Hi all.
There's lots of things flying around my head at the minute, so I'll try to keep this brief.
My BF and I broke up after several years together at the start of this year. We have a young child so for her sake we said we would remain friends (as the break up was coming for a while, it wasn't a massive shock). I moved back to my home county and into my own place with our D and he stayed put. Since there is a good distance between us, I told him he could stay in the spare room when he comes to see our D. It was kind of weird at first, but we got used to it and D loved spending weekends with him. She would often spend weekends at his place too.
The only thing that was ticking me off is that, over a period of weeks, he kept accusing me of having a new BF, when the furthest thing from my mind was dating someone new. Not that I had to justify myself to him or anything, I told him I wasn't with anyone, didn't intend just yet to get back dating, and when I did start I would let him know and we would have to make other arrangements for weekends at my place. I also told him I had no intention of introducing a new man to D until it was pretty serious. He told me he felt the same way and we had a mutual agreement that we would keep things open and honest, and also we would introduce the respective partners to one another before they met our D.

So imagine my shock when I heard he was seeing a woman for 6 months, had her in our D's company, AND was emailing her photos of her.

Just let me get one thing straight, our relationship is over, over. We never had 'bonus night' or anything, when we finished, it finished. So he can date or have a relationship with whomever he choses, I will certainly not get in the way of his happiness with someone else. But why keep it a secret?

This woman is from another country, and a few months back he announced that he was going to this country for 2 weeks to test the water for a new business. I was fully supportive of him, I even HELPED him write the business plan and did loads of other things for him. My family got behind him, we were all quite worried because this country he planned on going to isn't economically stable. He was fishy about details, etc and we put it down to him not wanting to give much away in case it didn't work out, but in the back of my mind I knew something was up. He also said that if things worked out he planned on emmigrating there.....

He left for this new country on Saturday. I even dropped him to the airport like a f****n eegit. I told I'd pick him up on his return and he could stay in my place overnight and head home the next day.
He doesn't know I know anything. I only found out on Sunday. I dropped a little hint on the phone to him yesterday (he rang to say hello to our D) but I don't think he actually picked up on it.
I do think he is trying to get the business going there, but why so shady about the new GF?

He wasn't always honest throughout our relationship, and I caught him out loads fibbing about stuff, stupid stuff and once or twice big stuff, so as time goes on and I think more about it, it's not out of character...
As far as I'm aware, he remained faithful. I beginning to question that though.

Any feedback would be appreciated on how to approach this with him.

Thanks

thefeatheredcat

healz wrote: »

So imagine my shock when I heard he was seeing a woman for 6 months, had her in our D's company, AND was emailing her photos of her.

Just let me get one thing straight, our relationship is over, over. We never had 'bonus night' or anything, when we finished, it finished. So he can date or have a relationship with whomever he choses, I will certainly not get in the way of his happiness with someone else. But why keep it a secret?

Is it safe to assume that your daughter was the one who told you? If so, was the woman definitely introduced as her father's girlfriend so she was certain who this person was?

It sounds to me like he wanted to know if you were seeing someone as yet, and he found out by the way of accusing you of seeing someone that you actually weren't (and also it would have validated things for him keeping his relationship secret if you had been seeing someone, in a way for him to feel justified in his behaviour). Why keep it a secret? I think he applied a little sensitivity in keeping you out of the loop so that you didn't feel upset that he had moved on before you had in that way. Would you have felt happier knowing 6 months ago he started a new relationship with another woman when you were just getting things sorted for yourself, or would you have felt upset that you weren't at that point and might have been pressured to compare yourself or compete against him to meet someone? Would you have been more hurt 6 months ago finding out that he had got together with someone soon after you two split in comparison to now, as you sound very grounded and level headed about it all tbh.

You must be a little hurt in finding out whatever way you have and that he wasn't as honest with you as he should have been, he will probably see that himself and probably has some regret...maybe it wasn't even a sure thing with this woman, the same as him going abroad with the business and emigrating.

You were very kind and generous to him in helping him out, even though he was a bit dishonest about things, but the point is that you have been honest about it all and while in your ignorance, showed kindness and flexibility and maturity in dealing with your ex regarding your daughter's relationship with her father. Ok you may feel like a fool but you have been honest about your situation and your intention should you meet someone regarding arrangements for your daughter, which imo was a very mature response.

You are in a good place in your life, with getting your life together. Don't throw that away in questioning your past relationship with him about his honesty, because it's a waste of energy and don't let it shake your confidence that you have now and the wonderful future you are making for yourself and your daughter.

As on how to approach him... be non confrontational about it (more for you than him btw). Wish him well on his venture, give him your blessing with the relationship and think no more about it all, and concentrate on yourself and building your life with your daughter.