Sex with the ex

LegacyUser

Some advice needed please!

I am separated for a number of months, marriage was gone a long time ago, so we both agreed to end it.
The only thing that worked for us was the sex, but we couldn't bear to be together apart from that!
I know it sounds strange but that's the way it was! But a marriage can't survive on that alone. We fought terribly.
The thing is, we still occasionally have sex and it's even better than ever before.
I am confused and hurt, I don't know why I do it, but the chemistry is there when we see each other, and we end up in bed.
I'm trying my best to get on with my life and move on, it's like a grieving process for me, and everytime he leaves (at my request) I feel like I am starting all over again, trying to move on.
Is this normal? Has it happened to others here? How can I get him out of my system and out of my bed?
We have kids, and that's why he sees me often, when he visits them.

squonk

OP, my first thought on reading your post was to wonder if you were really that strong a couple to begin with. It sounds like all you've left is sex but I'm wondering if there wasn't much more than that to begin with either?

You need to kick this sleeping together thing to the kerb. Is there a way that you could meet in a public place to allow him to see the kids?

Someone has to be the strong one here. Otherwise it's just a repetitive cycle of sleep together, start the grieving process all over again, get comfortable being away from him, meet him, sleep with him, start the grieving process.... you see what I'm saying?

Ok there's chemistry but just because you were previously in a sexual relationship with this guy doesn't mean you have carte blanche to jump into bed at the first chance you get now. As this isn't working for you you need to lay down some ground rules. It's OK for him to see the kids but there's no sex. Even if you're both feeling it, you have to realise you're both separated now. You're both grown adults and not horny teenagers.

Ultimately you'll need to start seeing other people and there's less chance of that happening if you're still sleeping with the ex at every possible opportunity.

Miss Fluff

Need_to_move_on wrote: »

I'm trying my best to get on with my life and move on, it's like a grieving process for me, and everytime he leaves (at my request) I feel like I am starting all over again, trying to move on.

I'm afraid this entire situation is being perpetuated by you and you alone (with the help of your ex) so it is entirely within your own power to move on from this. You can't possibly even think about moving on and starting a new life while you continue to repeat this cycle of behaviour.

You have to stop it. If you feel that you will just end up in bed with your ex every time you see him then you literally need to remove the circumstances where you do seem him and where that can be facilitated. By that I mean you have someone else there when the kids are picked up. Do not spend any time alone with your ex. Do not encourage any unnecessary contact.

By making it possible you are making it an inevitablity and in the long run you are actually only really hurting yourself.

And what about your kids? Do they know he stays over? If so that's instilling false hope and I am sure no end of confusion so that's hardly fair to them is it?

I'm not for a moment being facetious but it may help to invest in a good vibrator until you find someone else you can be sexually active with. You can't possibly move on while that's your husband.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies guys, I know it is a silly situation and it hurts me emotionally.
The kids have no idea, I make sure they are asleep.

"Someone has to be the strong one here. Otherwise it's just a repetitive cycle of sleep together, start the grieving process all over again, get comfortable being away from him, meet him, sleep with him, start the grieving process.... you see what I'm saying?"

This is exactly what i'm going through squonk.
I have a vibrator, but it's the human contact that I crave. After being married for quite a long time I feel scared to start off a physical relationship with someone else. I am not self conscious or anything, I just like the familiar feeling with my ex, and we know what works for each other.

I would like to meet someone else, but emotionally I am not over my ex, and I don't think it would be appropriate to ask a potential date for no strings sex! As much as I would like to!

It's all a mess.....

squonk

Just a thought but would you consider a One Night Stand? I'm not saying deliberately go out to take someone home but if you're out and the chance arises, then go for it. It sounds like you're taking things very seriously when you mention asking a potential date for No strings. I think it becomes a potential date if you get to meeting up outside of the club/pub you end up in. I'd wager that 50% of the time at least a lot of the lads you'd be chatting to wouldn't want a dating situation with you but might well be happy to spend the night instead.

The reason I say this is it might be a way for you to break away from your current situation. For instance, you might like the chicken satay from the chinese down the road and if a new one openes near you, how do you know how you'll like their chicken satay until you at least give it a try.

Taking that analogy further, you actually have to try the other chicken satay because the satay from the current place might be nice but it's bad for your health.

Any new relationship is going to hit the awkward stage early on when you've both got to learn about each other and what works and doesn't work for you. A ONS is different in that it is what it is it's abotu one thing only. If you're not a ONS type of lady then that's OK but the fundamental goal in all of this is to at least break away physically and emotionally from your ex. As Miss_Fluff says, there needs to be no possibility of you sleeping with each other again. Once you manage that, after a period of time you will get to the stage where you want to start dating again and, obviously the physical side of things will develop from there. Don't rush yourself but take it step by step. If the ONS works for you to fulfill the physical contact part of things for now, then do that, but only if it's something you are happy to do.

greengirl31

Hi OP

I can see why you'd go back to your ex for sex but you know yourself it's a bad idea. Me and my ex were great physicaly together - we couldn't keep our hands off each other. When we split up, apart from all the other stuff, I just couldn't imagine being with another person - even the thoughts of kissing someone else made me feel strange. I got very good at the DIY jobs but, like you, I missed the human contact. It was over almost 2 years before I started to date again. And longer again before I slept with someone. If i'm honest, the sex wasn't great initally but it got better. And when I think back, when me and my ex got together first, it wasn't earth moving either.
But you need to top sleeping with your ex - it's like picking a scab. You may not be ready for a full on relationship but If you think the ONS would work, give it a go.

Best of luck

StillWaters

I would caution against a ons when you are feeling so raw and vulnerable, which in inevitable after marital breakdown. You won't die from lack of sexual intimacy for the next 6 months or so, whilst you get your head and heart together.

My guess is that you are trying to anaesthetise the pain of the break up and deliberatly delay confronting the pain by sleeping with your ex.

You really need to pour all your energy now into nurturing yourself and your children for the immediate future.
Do be prepared for a change in his demeanour when sex is off the menu. Build a new co-parenting relationship with him, which imo you cant do whilst sex is muddying the water.

LegacyUser

Squonk, one night stands wouldn't work for me as I don't get out very often and have to be home for the children. It's not even a possibility that I would bring a stranger home as I wouldn't ever consider my kids waking up to a stranger in the house, they are my priority.

Greengirl31, yes I agree it's like picking a scab, it opens the wound every time. It's not doing me any good at all.

Stillwaters,
I am quoting this "My guess is that you are trying to anaesthetise the pain of the break up and deliberatly delay confronting the pain by sleeping with your ex."
I think you have hit the nail on the head there. That is EXACTLY what I am doing!
It hurts so much that the marriage has ended, only for me, my kids are definitely showing a great improvement, and I am happy to see them so much more relaxed.

When I have sex with my ex, somehow I feel better about myself that he still desires me, but it is a short lived happiness as I know in my heart that I need to cut this out. He is almost like a drug, you know?

Jeez i am so weak, my mind is tortured and racing when he's gone, but deep down I know I'll be better off in the long run, if only I can get the physical side of it out of my system.

I also happen to know that he is pursuing another person and I have been so tempted to tell her that we still sleep together. I suppose this is making me panic that I am losing him for real (or have lost him already), It's all so confusing how he can still want to be physical with me......

Miss Fluff

You poor thing. Am I right in assuming that he's the one that instigated the end of the marriage? Do you still have feelings for him?

Magicmatilda

On a purely practical level would it be possible that he wither see the kids outside your house i.e. his house, his parents, your parents?? Alternatively could you go out when he comes to see them or maybe have a friend there with you.

This is a very unhealthy situation and he appears to have control. How will you feel when he arrives one days and tells you he is in a new relationship and no longer wants sex with you? Eventually this will happen. You need to end this now. Perhaps you could attend counselling (there are plenty of low cost services available) to help you work through the grief and loss around the end of your relationship. Is there someone you can share this all with, a friend or family member. It might give you clarity just to talk about it.

Also can you ask him to stop sleeping with you. Explain that while you enjoy it and its good at the time it is hampering you from moving on.

LegacyUser

Hi Miss Fluff, I was the one who instigated the end of the marriage, and he agreed too that it was toxic for the kids. Yes I do still have feelings for him, we had been together a very long time and I can't just switch off my emotions.

Magicmatilda, I think you are right in saying he still has control. I am trying to put a stop to him having opportunities to end up in bed together.

My head is wrecked, because I know I'm doing the right thing, but it's hard to move on. The longer I leave the moving on process the harder it's getting. It's all so confusing for me, and I know I'm trying to put off the inevitable.

Miss Fluff

Need_to_move_on wrote: »

My head is wrecked, because I know I'm doing the right thing, but it's hard to move on. The longer I leave the moving on process the harder it's getting. It's all so confusing for me, and I know I'm trying to put off the inevitable.

It's good you have that level of self-awareness. I think you have to face up to the fact that before this gets better it's going to get worse. By that I mean you're going to have to allow yourself to go through the grieving process and the acceptance that this relationship is now totally over. It has to be a conscious decision on your part.

From a purely self-preservation stance I would do this before his pursuit of this other woman goes any further. Your head is wrecked enough as it is without him suddenly dropping you like a hot potato as soon as he starts seriously seeing this other lady.

Take some control. Stop facilitating situations where falling into bed is even possible. Never be on your own together. Have somone else pick up/drop off the kids. Keep contact perfunctory and to a minimum. And most of all tell him that you can no longer have sex with him because it is merely prolonging the pain without actually letting you face up to what's happened.