How to choose between 2 men?

LegacyUser

So, about 3 months ago, two guys from my past re-entered my life. Started up a friends with benefits type situation with both, unintentionally really. One would be all keen, the other not making an effort, and then vice versa. But I let it happen, and I let both think I was only interested in one thing, as it was easier I suppose to think of it that way, than forcing myself to choose.

Roll on to about 3 weeks ago, and my head is totally melted with the situation. Began to want more with both of them, and couldn't figure out which one I wanted more, and which, if either, wanted me for anything more. So I ended it with both (or so I thought).

With Guy X, I told him I wanted more than NSA and he said he wasn't in a position to offer more. I share a hobby with him, so we were going to be seeing each other anyway, and we did, a week later, and he acted as though the previous conversation never happened. I didn't have sex with him but we messed around a bit.

Guy Y is an old friends from years back. He hurt me a lot a few years ago. I told him that I couldn't get over this and so couldn't take things forward. I drunk texted him a couple of nights after our "conversation" and met up with him the next for a proper date, had sex, and then freaked out and left.

So, since then, both have been making a much bigger effort to show they want to be more than just friends, suggesting dates, sweet, rather than dirty texts, suggesting meeting parents, etc.

Right now, I could tell you hands on heart, Guy Y is the one I want to be with, and I completely believe it's true, but had you asked me a month ago, I was saying 100% it was guy X. So I really can't trust my gut or instinct. I really think, either way, now that it has gone beyond FWB situation, I need to make a choice and stick to it.

But my questions really are a) anyone any advice on how to choose and be sure it's the best decision?
b) anyone else ever been in a similar situation and what did you do and how did it work out?
c) do you think if I do progress with one of them it's doomed anyway because of the deceitful way it started?

We're all in our 30s by the way and been around the block. The 2 guys don't know each other but kinda know there is competition.

And yes, judge me if you like, I know plenty of people will, but I'm here looking for advice not criticism or character assaults.

Thanks

IrishEyes19

Not going to be judgemental at all, because you're looking for advice and obviously dont need to be criticised.

I will say though it really is time to make a decision, why because I know even though the two guys werent as keen before and have done a U turn on it, it doesnt mean you should drag someone along either and I know you know this too.

Its just sounding very complicated and really you should have some idea where you want to be at this stage, if you really like guy y, then let the other guy down gently now. I think it would be the decent move anyway.

Magicmatilda

Are your friends aware of the situation? If so have they given any advice? If they know the guys involved then they might be able to advise you better than we can.

That said here are a few ideas that came to mind on how to make a decision

1. close your eyes and imagine yourself ten years in the future, living the life that you envisage living then, marraige, kids, travelling, what ever it is, now which of these guys (if any) do you see there with you? This is the one for you.

2.You could also try making a list of pros and cons for each one and see who comes out on top.

3.Maybe imagine your life without each in it and see if you ca imagine eho you would miss more.

4.Or even let both go for a while maybe a couple of weeks and see who you miss more, though whether both will be still waiting, who knows.

At the end of the day only you really know who you want. It can be very difficult but you obviously need to make a decision or you wouldn't be posting here. Best of luck with it.

28064212

head melted wrote: »

With Guy X, I told him I wanted more than NSA and he said he wasn't in a position to offer more.

... That doesn't quite gel with this:

head melted wrote: »

So, since then, both have been making a much bigger effort to show they want to be more than just friends, suggesting dates, sweet, rather than dirty texts, suggesting meeting parents, etc.

Ask X if it's changed, but you're assuming it has even though he explicitly told you something else only 3 weeks ago

Distorted

Neither of them I think. Try to meet someone new. You're trying to squeeze both of them into a role that neither are too keen to fill, and the only way to rectify past mistakes is if one of them was really ultra keen and showed you that they had changed big time.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies folks.

My head is still melted, but your replies make sense.

I met up with Guy Y last night. Had a lovely time, but there was a lot of akwardness, and whenever I tried to initiate a semi serious conversation he changed the subject, so I'm really not sure what he wants.

Supposed to be meeting Guy X tonight. Intention was to let him down. I thought after meeting Guy Y last night I'd know for sure, but I still don't to be honest.

Distorted: To be honest, I think you are right, and I probably know deep down that neither of them are really interested in me for anything more. I am a sucker for attention, but I fear they may only be showing me attention now as I have backed off, and perhaps because they sense that there is competition. I did try to break contact 3 weeks ago, but I am weak and as soon as they were in touch, or even as soon as something reminded me of them, I was back again. I need to be stronger. It's hard, and I suppose as a woman in my 30s, I don't get that much attention elsewhere, so the ego part of me must also like the attention!

28064212: You too are most likely right. He hasn't said anything to show me his intentions lie elsewhere. He is making more of an effort, but still said he wants more.

Magicmatilda: Some of my friends are aware, and they either love Guy Y, love Guy X, hate Guy Y, hate Guy X or are like Distorted and telling me neither deserve me....so it still makes me no clearer. But like you and IrishEyes19, they are telling me, that for my own sanity, I need to choose now and convince myself it's the best choice (even though it won't be, as whoever it is will likely feck off within a week of me choosing him!!).

IrishEyes19: I know, you are right. And just cos they haven't treated me the best, I know they are both really good guys deep down, and don't deserve to be strung along. When they were both being asses, it was easier, as I could convince myself that they deserved it and were doing the exact same thing. Things are a bit different now, but as Distorted and 28064212 have pointed out, neither have explicitly said yet that they want anything more.

Just wondering people opinions on the future potential. So say, the one I end up choosing (need to choose today really as I'm meeting Guy X later) actually does want me too....do you think that starting a relationship under these circumstances bodes well for the future? Like, is it doomed from the offset? Even the fact that I am forcing myself to choose means I am doing things like imagining myself 10 years into the future as MagicMatilda suggests, which is very far to be thinking at this stage. I'm afraid that because I have had to make a choice, I will be forcing a relationship to prove myself right, that might not have happened had things run their course naturally.

Also, I fear that were the Guy to find out the full extent of my deliberations, he would feel uneasy about the whole thing and not be able to trust me in the future. There was a post a while ago from a guy who's girlfriend had slept with someone before they were official (not carried on a whole 3 month casual fling with them) and it was eating him up inside.

That said, I am pretty sure neither of these guys have only been seeing me the past 3 months. And the really selfish thing is when I hear or suspect something about one of them being with someone else, it eats me up inside, yet I will go off and be with the other guy a couple of days after being with them! Complete double standards I know. I know I need to sort my head out today!!!

the_god_swan

Drop both those guys and find guy Z... no more head melting!

rathbaner

Take control.

Take the two of them out for dinner. Set out your stall. If you don't know how you're leaning then you don't know, that's not a criminal offence. Why not tell them both and see if they have an opinion. Treat them like adults for a change, and make them treat you like one too.

If it doesn't pan out, well remember –*you're only 30.

LegacyUser

OP here again.

Thanks for the advice, and I know you are all right. I need to ditch the two and move on.

Just to update you, haven't heard from Y at all since I saw him last week, so I think he is well and truly out of the picture. He was texting another girl while with me anyway.

Spent the whole weekend with Guy X and felt really at ease with him, really liking him. He kept getting in little hints though that are just friends (with benefits). We did have sex once, but mostly just hanging out. It was lovely. But I saw on his phone that the last three texts were to girls. He was texting people almost all weekend. (I know, I'm not in a position to complain about that, but it still hurts.... hypocritical I know). At the same time, we got on so well, were at ease with each other, he kept telling me how great I am (I am a sucker for praise!!). Met all his family too (except the parents) and they all seemed to really like me and I got on great with them.

So yeah, I know what I need to do. I either need to cut ties completely or have another "chat" with Guy X and say I want more or nothing at all. But I am almost sure he'd go for nothing at all....but then keep bugging me with texts and emails like he's done whenever I've done this before!!! His circumstances haven't changed, and logistically a relationship isn't a good idea for him right now!

Zebra3

head melted wrote: »

Just to update you, haven't heard from Y at all since I saw him last week, so I think he is well and truly out of the picture. He was texting another girl while with me anyway.

I don't think you can hold that against him given your behaviour. :rolleyes:

Ickle Magoo

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Many thanks.

tinkerbell

OP, I would say neither. If you honestly cannot say straight out that you want to be with X or Y then you are clearly just settling for one if you are trying to choose.

Plenty more fish in the sea as they say - I don't think you should be wasting time on someone who you don't really like but seem to just be sticking with them just for the sake of it, if you know what I mean?

G-Money

I haven't read all the replies but I'd say just pick one and be done with it, rather than fretting and obsessing over it endlessly.

Do both of them know you are seeing someone else?

Also, I don't really think you have to go to the whole trouble of taking someone out for dinner to have one of these big chats or whatever. Just go meet them or call them or something and just do it. Personally I don't see the need to make a whole big public spectacle out of it. But maybe that's just me.

I know I'd rather discuss it in private, especially if there's a chance it's not going to end well. If a girl was considering ditching me, I definitely wouldn't want to discuss it over dinner or drinks or whatever. I probably wouldn't even want to see her face to face. Wouldn't want her to see how hurt or anything I was by it.

Hope things work out anyway.

LegacyUser

They don’t seem to want anything serious. And are you sure you really want to go back into an actual relationship with them? As someone said, people don’t change easily, so this relationship would probably have the same problems you found before.

That said, I would carry it on as it is, on an unofficial basis. You say they are fun, nice and you have a good time with them. None of them seem terribly keen to be in a relationship or really making an effort, so I would go on having fun with both, and making sure they don’t find out about each other. (yep, I am advocating a bit of logistics here and some lies, which is what guys do with us anyway )

And in the meantime, I would also look for a third one

This way you have the fun, the attention and the good things about the old ones and you keep yourself available for a third – and maybe serious – relationship.