Physical abuse in relationships / Domestic abuse

Will

I know there have been a few threads on this, but I really didn't want to dig up an old thread. Was browsing reddit earlier and noticed a timblr post titled "Male victim of domestic violence gets over 7,000 reblogs of his story on Tumblr."

Just in case it gets pulled I've copy pasted the contents minus the pictures, which could be classed as NSFW (pictures of blood). Link is here. It does contain pictures of a sort of bloody torso.

Damage
This is not my usual post. But it’s something I had to share. As you read this, imagine how your reaction would differ if this story were being told by a woman, talking about how her husband treated her.
I have been separated from my wife for over a year, though we continue to share a house. We live on separate floors. We share the house because we need to parent our son together, and because we can’t afford to maintain two households.

I’d like to tell you a story, illustrating one reason why I am divorcing her. This is an example of the treatment I have received over the past fourteen years.

This evening, while she was drinking her wine, my estranged wife took exception to the fact that I wanted to talk about how tense she’s been. She said she didn’t want to talk about it.

I left the room (so as to comply with her request).

I went upstairs to use our tiny guest bathroom. She began to yell and throw things around the kitchen, then eventually charged up the stairs and into the bathroom, just as I was finishing and getting ready to leave. She confronted me there, holding her half-full wine glass in her hand. Her voice got louder, her gestures wilder.

She complained that I had upset her by wanting to talk when she had told me she didn’t want to talk. As I began to feel uncomfortable, I said, “You’re saying it’s my fault you can’t express your emotions responsibly like an adult?”

She said, “Yes!! It’s because you want to go off and take a vacation with your girlfriend!” Then she threw the contents of her glass in my face and smashed it against my bare chest.

The results are pictured here.

I stood there, with shattered glass at my feet, glass shards sticking in my skin, bleeding, for five minutes or so. I asked her to move so that I could leave. She waved the broken stem of the glass in the air and said, “Leave!! Who’s stopping you?”

I told her she was standing between me and the door. I felt threatened.

She laughed and said, “You’re 6 foot 3 and 250 pounds! You can’t feel threatened by me!”

I said, “You just broke a glass on my chest and cut me. You’re standing there with the stem in your hands. Yes. I feel threatened.”

She said, “No, you don’t.”

I asked her to move out of the way and let me pass. I didn’t want her to think I was pushing her or threatening her.

She held her ground, waved the broken stem and shouted, “Go on! Leave! I’m not stopping you!”

After I asked her repeatedly, she finally moved a bit and I left, carefully stepping over the broken glass.

I have posted this here as evidence, and to help those who may think that size and gender make a difference when abuse is concerned. People who, like my estranged, think some have permission to feel threatened and some don’t.

Abusers come in all sizes and genders.

She and I went to a half dozen therapists over the years. At each initial session, every therapist took a look at me, then at her (5’4” 150 lbs.). Then he or she would gravely ask my wife, “Do you feel safe?”

None ever thought to ask me.

Thanks for listening.

Suppose I posted it up because there are those of us out there who may have experienced abuse at the hands of a significant other. This is just to show those people that they are not alone and the 7,000 reblogs, while are only an online thing, are a gesture of support for victims.

edit - Forgot to add, we never really see actual evidence of abuse. It's just really in passing or in words, this is what struck me about the post. There is actual pictures of what happened and it makes it all the more real.

CiaranMT

She has serious issues. Here's hoping he'll manage to get enough money together and move. The kid will be scarred too. Bad situation to be growing up with.

paulmclaughlin

I once read a story (not confirmed to be fact) about a man who was suffering abuse from his much small wife.

After he said he wish to go out with his friends, she smashed a lamp in his face and he pushed her away to defend himself. She continued to attempt to attack him while he tried to restrain her. The neighbours, hearing the argument called the police. When the police arrived, he was promptly arrested even though he was the only one bleeding just because he was the man and much bigger than her. Lucky for him, the evidence proved he was the one attacked and he was released. Even then, he did not press charges for fear of repercussions.

But this is a story I read over the internet so expect exaggeration.

amacachi

When the whole News International thing broke I mentioned to a few people about how Rebekah Brooks battered Ross Kemp and the general reaction was at the very least "How could she batter him?" It's not an attitude I see changing any time soon.

CiaranMT

amacachi wrote: »

When the whole News International thing broke I mentioned to a few people about how Rebekah Brooks battered Ross Kemp and the general reaction was at the very least "How could she batter him?" It's not an attitude I see changing any time soon.

When was this? I missed this amid all the coverage...

Will

I was attacked new years eve by a girl actually. Forgot about it. Bruised pretty badly and was shaken up by it. Everyone on the street was looking at me like I did something, when in fact I was trying to calm her down. Woulda been laughed at if I wanted to press charges I imagine

paulmclaughlin

Will wrote: »

I was attacked new years eve by a girl actually. Forgot about it. Bruised pretty badly and was shaken up by it. Everyone on the street was looking at me like I did something, when in fact I was trying to calm her down. Woulda been laughed at if I wanted to press charges I imagine

Same as myself.

But if you defend yourself, you risk the White Knights coming in...

amacachi

CiaranMT wrote: »

When was this? I missed this amid all the coverage...

2005 http://www.guardian.co.uk/media/2005/nov/04/pressandpublishing.sun
Wonderfully ironically it was when The Sun was running an anti-domestic violence campaign. Private Eye started referring to her as "The Slapper" from then and I don't think she took legal action for it. :pac:

py2006

Shocking stuff! A lot of respect goes to that man for telling his story and posting the photos. He could have blurred his face but he didn't. I hope things work out positively for him.

I went out with a girl years ago who after a few drinks would become violent. She would try to punch me in the face or knee me in the groin etc. All I could do was try to block her punches and kicks. I really cared for her and was worried when she was drunk. I had to stay with her in case she did something stupid. We are no longer together and she is no longer drinking.

On a rare occasion I bring it up in a discussion, it I would often get one of three responses:

a) Hahahahaha
b) Your a man you will get over it. (Abuse doesn't affect men apparently)
c) Sure you're bigger than her

The long lasting effect of this has left me with cynicism in terms of relationships. Also, I find that I jump to the defense of men when I hear women giving out about men for things they are equally guilty of. Unfortunately, to some this can manifest itself as being anti-women. But that couldn't be more wrong!

py2006

Will wrote: »

I was attacked new years eve by a girl actually. Forgot about it. Bruised pretty badly and was shaken up by it. Everyone on the street was looking at me like I did something, when in fact I was trying to calm her down. Woulda been laughed at if I wanted to press charges I imagine

I'd love to record the reactions of the gardai if you approached them and told the you were assaulted by a women! It would be interesting.

Bipolar Joe

py2006 wrote: »

Shocking stuff! A lot of respect goes to that man for telling his story and posting the photos. He could have blurred his face but he didn't. I hope things work out positively for him.

I went out with a girl years ago who after a few drinks would become violent. She would try to punch me in the face or knee me in the groin etc. All I could do was try to block her punches and kicks. I really cared for her and was worried when she was drunk. I had to stay with her in case she did something stupid. We are no longer together and she is no longer drinking.

On a rare occasion I bring it up in a discussion, it I would often get one of three responses:

a) Hahahahaha
b) Your a man you will get over it. (Abuse doesn't affect men apparently)
c) Sure you're bigger than her

The long lasting effect of this has left me with cynicism in terms of relationships. Also, I find that I jump to the defense of men when I hear women giving out about men for things they are equally guilty of. Unfortunately, to some this can manifest itself as being anti-women. But that couldn't be more wrong!

Jeez, did we date the same chick?

My first girlfriend was twelve years older than I was and was a ****ty drunk. I dunno how many times I was shoved to the floor, given a smack about the head or had things thrown at me. I once caught a can to the face which gave me a black eye. Instead of asking if I was OK or whatever, people would ask "What did you do to her?" Absolutely nothing. I was just thick enough to stay with her because she could be sweet at times. I do get the anti-women thing, just the thought that maybe a woman can be the aggressor automatically makes you a misogynist, and when I talk about misandry, something I have a big interest in and am we'll boned up on, I either get told "Get over it" or laughed at. You know that the spell check doesn't even recognise misandry as a word?

I once called a self-proclaimed "Feminist" on being a bitch and was told I'm a woman-hater. I told her she wants equality, I just made her equal.

py2006

Bipolar Joe wrote: »

Jeez, did we date the same chick?

I sure hope not! At least not at the same time!

Bipolar Joe

It wouldn't surprise me, she was a bit of a skank.

CathyMoran

I tried a few times to report abuse from my mother when I was younger but the doctor was a family friend and said that I needed help! Any bruises that I had were explained by the fact that I bruised easily. A close relaitive said that it was not abuse as she did not break my bones. My daddy ignored the abuse and denied that it happened though she hit him too (though not as much).

I am ashamed of it but I am not my mother and would never hurt someone mentally and physically like she did.

Jason Fly

the shocking truth is: if you wife/girlfriend/partner threatens you and you don't slap her back you are a not a man, and if you do, you go to jail and you'll live ashamed for the rest of your life

TouchingVirus

If a woman assaulted me, I would take whatever actions necessary to protect myself. If that involves a box in the jaw, then so be it. I would only do enough to stop her from assaulting me. Unfortunately yes, I might very well go to jail over it if I didn't have witnesses/evidence to back up my version of events and she started claiming it was me who assaulted her, but I'm not going to stand around and let myself be abused by anybody; It's just not me. Likewise, I wouldn't take any sentence for it on the chin either, I'd fight that too.

Does it make me less of a man that I would hit this woman? I don't think so, no. Would I be ashamed of what I did? Hell no, I defended myself.

It's a sad situation for the guy in the OP, and I really hope he gets himself out of the house and away from the estranged wife as soon as possible. Abusive relationships are good for nobody, especially the children.

Honey-ec

Jason Fly wrote: »

the shocking truth is: if you wife/girlfriend/partner threatens you and you don't slap her back you are a not a man

What a load of me arse. Getting violent in response to any abusive situation, regardless of gender, is not going to solve anything.

um7y1h83ge06nx

Honey-ec wrote: »

What a load of me arse. Getting violent in response to any abusive situation, regardless of gender, is not going to solve anything.

I don't think the poster actually supports (at least I hope not) this, merely pointing out the double standards.

The big one like this that comes to mind was Ross Kemp and Rebekah Wade. It was alleged by Kemp that Wade assaulted him. Cue lots of horrible pieces in the tabloids and websites laughing at Kemp. He got a real bad ribbing due to the "tough man" image he has portrayed on screen. Looking at the articles at the time I was wondering what else journalists wanted him to do. In my opinion he did the mature and right thing and called the police.

The tabloids unfortunately would have torn their claws into him no matter what he did. I really felt sorry for him.

FetchTheGin

Have been slapped a few times when drink has been involved, never retaliated as it would get you in serious trouble. I tend to just walk away.

py2006

Drew Young Garden wrote: »

The big one like this that comes to mind was Ross Kemp and Rebekah Wade. It was alleged by Kemp that Wade assaulted him. Cue lots of horrible pieces in the tabloids and websites laughing at Kemp. He got a real bad ribbing due to the "tough man" image he has portrayed on screen. Looking at the articles at the time I was wondering what else journalists wanted him to do. In my opinion he did the mature and right thing and called the police.

The tabloids unfortunately would have torn their claws into him no matter what he did. I really felt sorry for him.

I never heard this story! But you are right, the double standard is widespread! He was brave enough to speak about it. Which should have been used as an example for all men to speak out!

CDfm

A very brave thread Will and I have met you and know you are very considerate of others.

When it comes to women hitting out in intimate relationships/relationships and that includes all types, hetero, same sex, parent and child people just cant face up to that a woman can be that aggressive.

It is a pity that when this gets brought up we get a stony silence.There is no how did you feel or did you talk to anyone or how did you end the relationship.

I have been there myself and it made me wary of relationships for a long while. The best chat I had about it was with a lesbian who had gone thru the exact same thing and we are great friends.

The bit I hate about it when it gets brought up is its gender politicisation. The statistics show genders perpetrate intimate partner violence in almost equal numbers.

So no matter what gender or orientation you are you could be on the recieving end from one of those freaks.

Good on ya Will for posting.

iptba

Don't have the time to start a thread on this - mods might complain that I need to make a discussion out of it so thought I'd post it in this discussion:

http://www.activelink.ie/node/7163

Domestic Abuse Against Men Awareness Campaign

3rd October to 16th October

From 3rd October to 16th October 2011 Amen Support Services Ltd is running the third awareness campaign to highlight domestic abuse against men.
The aim of the ‘Domestic Abuse Hits Men Too’ awareness campaign is to encourage men to come forward and let them know that Amen is there to help; they do not have to suffer in silence.

Amen Support Services Ltd provides information and support for male victims of domestic abuse including a confidential helpline, information on legal options for victims, court accompaniment, one-to-one and group support meetings.

It can be very difficult for a man to come forward and admit that he is a victim. In 2005 the National Crime Council of Ireland found that only 1 in 20 male victims report domestic abuse to the Gardai.

David Ring, Director & Chairperson of Amen Support Services Ltd said, “The purpose of the “Domestic Abuse Hits Men Too” campaign is to encourage men to come forward and seek help. Amen wants to let those men suffering silently and alone know that help is available. The ‘Domestic Abuse Hits Men Too’ campaign is the third such awareness campaign run by Amen and has been funded by Cosc, The National Office for the Prevention of Domestic, Sexual and Gender-based Violence “

Amen Support Services Ltd is here to support the male victims and to help stamp out the stigma that is attached to being a male victim of domestic abuse.

Domestic abuse is an issue that hurts every member of a family.

During this campaign, Amen Support Services Ltd will have advertisements on Dublin Buses, national and local newspapers and radio.

Some facts regarding domestic violence in Ireland:

In 2005 the National Crime Council of Ireland published the first ever large
scale study on the nature, extent and impact of domestic abuse against women and men in Ireland.

They found that:

29% of women and 26% of men suffer domestic abuse.

13% of women and 13% of men suffer physical abuse.

Only 1 in 20 men compared to 1 in 3 women reported the abuse to the Gardai.

Amen’s services include:

A confidential helpline and a support service for male victims of domestic abuse.

Information on legal options available to male victims.

Support group meetings.

Court accompaniment.

One to One Support

Here are some experiences from male victims:

Case One
‘I would leave, sleep rough in ditches, cardboard boxes, under bridges, derelict houses, sheds, barns, crying in pain, not going home so as not to upset my family.’

Case Two
‘She coaxed me back. We got engaged, about a month before we got married she really went for me, I begged her to stop scraping, pinching, slapping and punching. You only feel the first one or two. The scars remain, they are horrible, you can’t wash the marks away.’

Amen Helpline 046-9023718.

Expiry date: 30/11/2011
Date Entered/Updated: 29/09/2011

The Black Oil

Amen came to my school when I was in TY or 5th/6th year. Good to hear they're still active.

Umekichi

Ì'm a woman and it pisses me off that there is a huge double standard in the treatment of people who report rape / domestic violence.

It's a stupid idea to think that men should automatically be able to "take it" from a woman yet should he ever hurt a woman(bear in mind it could just be a scratch on her) he will be made out to be a violent monster when all he was probably doing was defending himself!

What we need is a huge change in attitudes from this fallacy that "all men are violent thugs and/or rapists and have nothing better to do than beat and/or rape women" to "It is not accceptable for any person to beat another in a relationship / rape anyone".

Now one of the few ways we are going to make the change, is more exposure to the media. For example Kudos to Fair City for doing the storyline with Darren and Suzanne(Don't watch FC so correct me if I am wrong). Having not seen it myself however I have heard it was done very well. If only other soaps would do more storylines like this, it would help very much in raising awareness.

Another way is funding of groups, If there are Domestic Violence groups out there who receive Govmt. funding(any bit at all), then they should be completely and utterly equal. If these groups refuse to cater to the opposite sex aswell i.e. men, then funding should be cut. It is a blessing and a shame that there are groups like Amen out there as it really highlights the difference in treatment in men's DV cases as opposed to women's DV cases.

Another Group to target is the Guards, they seem to be the crux of the problem as victims of DV in this thread alone have said they didn't go as they'd probably be laughed at. This is despicable in this day and age, that a man cannot go to the Gardaí to report a case of DV against a woman. If it was the other way around feminists wold be baying for blood. They need a overhaul when it comes to attitudes about this. Maybe training should be provided?

Also the paper's(especially the Tabloids) have a huge role to play in this idea that men cannot be the victims of DV. Maybe submit a complaint should they print articles like that?

pragmatic1

A good friend of mine had part of his ear bitten off by some crazy women. He didnt do anything about it. I'd have put her head through a fcukin window.

iptba

Disappointing editorial in Irish Examiner.

WOMEN and their children are almost invariably but not exclusively the victims of domestic violence.

Read more: http://www.irishexaminer.com/opinion/editorial/domestic-violence--no-refuge-at-shelters-169505.html#ixzz1ZllQNMdS

Although at least it doesn't go on too much on the male victims vs female victims point.

LegacyUser

when I was working in the healthcare profession, I looked after a patient who's partner stabbed him with a fork in the eye, and the poor man lost his sight

Yet she came to visit him in hospital, and obviously the relationship continued.

This patient was of a big build over 6ft. But the psychological damage what seems to hold people in relationships.

I think it happens to men, just as much as women. Emotional abuse is just as bad if not worse.

Peetrik

TouchingVirus wrote: »

If a woman assaulted me, I would take whatever actions necessary to protect myself. If that involves a box in the jaw, then so be it.

I agree with this. I'm very much against voilence being used to solve any dispute and I would never initiate physical voilence.
However if someone hits me, be they man, woman or child, they are getting hit back with exactly the same amount of force used.

A month or two after she moved in, an Italian female housemate of mine gave out to me for rearranging her washing, which was hung on the line, so that there was room for mine as well. She slapped my hand sharply to illustrate her annoyance, I immediately slapped her hand back.
She looked at me, she laughed, I laughed. We lived together for another 3 years. She never slapped me again.

iptba

Peetrik wrote: »

I agree with this. I'm very much against voilence being used to solve any dispute and I would never initiate physical voilence.
However if someone hits me, be they man, woman or child, they are getting hit back with exactly the same amount of force used.

A month or two after she moved in, an Italian female housemate of mine gave out to me for rearranging her washing, which was hung on the line, so that there was room for mine as well. She slapped my hand sharply to illustrate her annoyance, I immediately slapped her hand back.
She looked at me, she laughed, I laughed. We lived together for another 3 years. She never slapped me again.

(Not very exciting) This reminded me of something when I was a kid: I was the oldest. I used to like wearing the seat-belt in the back for long journeys rather than having to concentrate and sometimes be moved about by the natural movement of the care. Even though I wasn't taking any more than my fair share of space, the sister closest in age to me used to complain about this. One time my father (who was driving) reached around and slapped me on the leg. He wasn't an aggressive man and didn't slap us generally; it also wasn't that hard, but did stand out from his normal behaviour. Anyway, I reached forward and slapped him on the leg (possibly with a bit less force). I wasn't happy with him taking sides. There was silence for a bit and then it was all forgotten about. Anyway, it was probably because I felt so secure that I could do that - I know in some families one couldn't do that (I remember one family in particular where when the father whistled, the boys ran when we were out on the road; they used to get the belt - the daughter/their sister didn't).