Do I have a right to be annoyed?

LegacyUser

Ok here's the story..

Im going into my 2nd year of college and I live with my parents. Myself and my dad have always had a difficult relationship. He gets angry very easily and we seem to clash a lot.

I'm just wondering if people think it's acceptable for him to go into my bedroom? This has always been going on but I'm not sure I can take it anymore.

He's always getting onto me about my bedroom being messy (it's never dirty or anything just the usual few bits of clothes on the floor etc I've seen my friends rooms a lot worse!) and he seems to think he can justwalk into it whenever he likes. A few weeks ago I came home from a night out and anything that had been on my floor had been thrown on my bed by my dad to "teach me a lesson". He's done this before but I thought I was past it at this age. I said nothing as I didn't want a shouting match over it.

I was getting ready to go out last night so there was a few bits of clothes strewn around my room etc. I came in today and he had gone into my room and thrown my clothes, my shoes (that I keep on the floor!), a rubbish bag and a few other things onto my bed yet again. He thinks this is really effective as it forces me to put the stuff away. He had also blocked the internet to my laptop as a punishment.

Now I realise he pays the rent and when he goes into my room it annoys him if it's not tidy but I don't think he should be going in there when I'm not there. Also as I said my room is rarely in an awful state- just the usual slightly messy every couple of weeks. My friends think it's insane as their parents give them their privacy and would often laugh at the state of their rooms.

Am I at all in my rights to be annoyed at this? My sisters room is often a lot worse than mine, she's a few years younger, and he's never ever done stuff like that to her.

Ickle Magoo

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Kevin Duffy

This would annoy me too. Is your dad amenable to a rational chat where you could agree some boundries, rather than him behaving like tyrant?

I am a friend

There is some reason he is annoyed with you? Do you help around the house at all? Do you contribute at all? Maybe he thinks you should bemore responsible by now. I happen to think it's their house, their rules. You keep your room clean and tidy and he won't need to go in.

MitchKoobski

Of course you can be annoyed, theres notihng to say you can't be annoyed about something.

He's still allowed do it though, and I'd be the kind of person to do the same as him. You're not paying for the room or the internet, and you're in your 2nd year of college. If you don't like the lack of privacy, move out.

ElleEm

I am a friend wrote: »

There is some reason he is annoyed with you? Do you help around the house at all? Do you contribute at all? Maybe he thinks you should bemore responsible by now. I happen to think it's their house, their rules. You keep your room clean and tidy and he won't need to go in.

+1

I think both parents and children have a hard time adapting to the new relationship type when the child reaches 18. Your dad obviously feels like he needs to teach you how to keep your room tidy, as you don't do it now.
Look at it from his point of view- you live in his house, he pays the bills, yet you may be seen to disrespect this by keeping your room in a manner that he believes is messy.

What about speaking to him and saying you'll keep your room tidy if he doesn't go in. Is your issue him invading your privacy or the fact that he moves your stuff around?

tinkerbell

Look OP, you're in second year of college so presumably you're about 19/20. You're old enough now to clean your own room. Seriously, cop onto yourself. Your dad is paying the bills, you're living there rent free - it probably really annoys him that your room is messy with clothes thrown on the ground. And leaving clothes thrown on the ground really makes a big difference.

If you want to have a messy room, then go move out - get a job and pay for your rent. Otherwise, cop onto yourself, start acting like an adult and clean up after yourself. It does not take long to make sure you put stuff away - be it in the laundry basket or back into your wardrobe rather than leaving everything strewn all over the floor. Then your dad wouldn't need to go into your room. You're making this problem yourself. Until you start acting like a mature adult and show some respect in the house that you are living, this ain't gonna go away.

Kevin Duffy

tinkerbell wrote: »

Look OP, you're in second year of college so presumably you're about 19/20. You're old enough now to clean your own room. Seriously, cop onto yourself. Your dad is paying the bills, you're living there rent free - it probably really annoys him that your room is messy with clothes thrown on the ground. And leaving clothes thrown on the ground really makes a big difference.

If you want to have a messy room, then go move out - get a job and pay for your rent. Otherwise, cop onto yourself, start acting like an adult and clean up after yourself. It does not take long to make sure you put stuff away - be it in the laundry basket or back into your wardrobe rather than leaving everything strewn all over the floor. Then your dad wouldn't need to go into your room. You're making this problem yourself. Until you start acting like a mature adult and show some respect in the house that you are living, this ain't gonna go away.

Or the OP's father could calm down and find something that matters for them to fall out about. A few clothes on the floor, so what?

ElleEm

Kevin Duffy wrote: »

Or the OP's father could calm down and find something that matters for them to fall out about. A few clothes on the floor, so what?

Yeah but it's not the OP's dad who has asked for advice here.

Kevin Duffy

ElleEm wrote: »

Yeah but it's not the OP's dad who has asked for advice here.

I'm well aware it's not, thanks, but the OP's approach to dealing with it will be influenced to some degree by everything in the thread.

MitchKoobski

The approach is to deal with it.

"Could you please not go into my room when I'm not in the house?"

Simple as that. If the father says no, he'll just have to live with it.

I'm living at home at the moment, and both my parents do this when I leave stuff around the floor. When I get home I end up putting it away just to clear stuff off the bed. It works.

Chinafoot

OP, it's pretty simple really.

You don't want your dad in your room. If you keep it tidy he won't go into your room. You said it's not dirty and is just "a few clothes" so why is it so difficult for you to put them away?

You don't seem to be helping yourself much here at all.

Distorted

I don't think its reasonable. Teenage girls are notoriously messy and your dad going into your bedroom is embarrassing - I don't know many dads who would do this unless there it was so bad it was causing some kind of structural problem in the house! And you say he doesn't do it to your sister...Is he trying to drop you a hint about moving out do you think? What age was he when he moved out of his own parent's home?

LegacyUser

Yeah I wish I could move out but I can't afford it at the moment..

People were asking if I do much else in the house. I am here everyday and do a lot of the housework and help my mam. My dad believes if I can't get a job and am at home then I should be staying here all day doing housework, minding the kids etc which is fine. I am trying to get a job at the moment I had one up until the start of the year.

I understand it sounds really childish to have a messy room. Sorry if that annoyed anyone. I'm just not a super clean person and when I'm rushing to go somewhere or getting ready to go out my room ends up looking a bit messy.

I just wanted to know if I had any right taking him up on going into my room when I'm not there and punishing me like I'm a child. When he would never do the same to my sister. I think coz I'm the oldest he seems to have more of problem with me.

He rang me when I was with a friend one evening a few weeks ago screaming his head off because I hadn't gotten up one morning to bring the kids to school, even though I'd offered the night before and my Mam told me she would bring them.
He yelled so loud that my friend sat there in shock while I desperatley tried to turn down the volume on my phone. The next day I asked my mam if he had some specific problem with me and she told me not to be dramatic. Maybe I am being a drama queen. I got my college exams resuts that day- all honours. He never congratulated me until a week later when his annoyance with me for trying to defend myself on the phone had worn off.

I feel better now after typing that out! I know people are going to tell me to grow up etc again but thanks everyone for your advice.

Wompa1

reallyannoyed wrote: »

Yeah I wish I could move out but I can't afford it at the moment..

People were asking if I do much else in the house. I am here everyday and do a lot of the housework and help my mam. My dad believes if I can't get a job and am at home then I should be staying here all day doing housework, minding the kids etc which is fine. I am trying to get a job at the moment I had one up until the start of the year.

I understand it sounds really childish to have a messy room. Sorry if that annoyed anyone. I'm just not a super clean person and when I'm rushing to go somewhere or getting ready to go out my room ends up looking a bit messy.

I just wanted to know if I had any right taking him up on going into my room when I'm not there and punishing me like I'm a child. When he would never do the same to my sister. I think coz I'm the oldest he seems to have more of problem with me.

He rang me when I was with a friend one evening a few weeks ago screaming his head off because I hadn't gotten up one morning to bring the kids to school, even though I'd offered the night before and my Mam told me she would bring them.
He yelled so loud that my friend sat there in shock while I desperatley tried to turn down the volume on my phone. The next day I asked my mam if he had some specific problem with me and she told me not to be dramatic. Maybe I am being a drama queen. I got my college exams resuts that day- all honours. He never congratulated me until a week later when his annoyance with me for trying to defend myself on the phone had worn off.

I feel better now after typing that out! I know people are going to tell me to grow up etc again but thanks everyone for your advice.

Is your dad working a stressful job? Is he the only bread winner in the house? I'm only 26 but I think if I had a kid that was in or near his 20's that didn't work for the summer no matter whether they couldn't get a job or not I'd be a bit pissed off too. Other than helping around the house, what else are you doing to be productive?

Do you study for next year or try to learn something new. Volunteer etc.? Just because you can't find a paying job, doesn't mean you have to sit back and go meet friends all summer

LegacyUser

Wompa1 wrote: »

Is your dad working a stressful job? Is he the only bread winner in the house? I'm only 26 but I think if I had a kid that was in or near his 20's that didn't work for the summer no matter whether they couldn't get a job or not I'd be a bit pissed off too. Other than helping around the house, what else are you doing to be productive?

Do you study for next year or try to learn something new. Volunteer etc.? Just because you can't find a paying job, doesn't mean you have to sit back and go meet friends all summer

His job isn't particularly stressful but I'm sure he finds it stressful sometimes. I don't just sit around all day, I have gone for several interviews in the last few months but don't seem to be having much luck. I worked in the same place for years till it closed down. I do volunteer work and I also have been doing training for a charity one day every week for the last few weeks. I like to think I'm not a lazy student, I do not go meet friends all day. I stay home every day helping out and doing stuff. I am trying my best to get a job too. I'm not perfect but I don't know if that merits him treating me like a child. If I was such a child that deserved punishments like my internet being blocked then I wouldn't be cleaning the house every day, making dinner, minding the kids, helping my mam etc. I could understand if I just lay in bed all day...

Kevin Duffy

Wompa1 wrote: »

Is your dad working a stressful job? Is he the only bread winner in the house?

So what if either of those things is the case? That gives him the right to scream his head off on the phone, does it?

Wompa1 wrote: »

I'm only 26 but I think if I had a kid that was in or near his 20's that didn't work for the summer no matter whether they couldn't get a job or not I'd be a bit pissed off too. Other than helping around the house, what else are you doing to be productive?

Do you study for next year or try to learn something new. Volunteer etc.? Just because you can't find a paying job, doesn't mean you have to sit back and go meet friends all summer

Did you actually read the post you quoted? The OP is helping around the house every day and dropping kids to school, there is no suggestion that the OP has decided to "sit back and go and meet friends all summer".

It's just a guess OP, but I'd say your father is an angry and demanding man and your mother's reaction - to suggest you were being dramatic - is a well tried coping mechanism which, for her, is easier than dealing with his behaviour. I say again, have a chat, agree some boundaries, tell him you'll be tidier if he agrees not to go into the room when you're not there. Personally, I don't buy this simple "my house, my rules" bull, if you make a home, it's everyone's home and everyone in it has to be equal, happy and fairly treated.

Wompa1

Kevin Duffy wrote: »

So what if either of those things is the case? That gives him the right to scream his head off on the phone, does it?



Did you actually read the post you quoted? The OP is helping around the house every day and dropping kids to school, there is no suggestion that the OP has decided to "sit back and go and meet friends all summer".

It's just a guess OP, but I'd say your father is an angry and demanding man and your mother's reaction - to suggest you were being dramatic - is a well tried coping mechanism which, for her, is easier than dealing with his behaviour. I say again, have a chat, agree some boundaries, tell him you'll be tidier if he agrees not to go into the room when you're not there. Personally, I don't buy this simple "my house, my rules" bull, if you make a home, it's everyone's home and everyone in it has to be equal, happy and fairly treated.

What is helping around the house though? How much does he actually do? is dropping the kids to school and maybe putting the plates in the dishwasher a lot?

You might not buy the my house, my rules idea but a lot of people do. If I buy a car and offer someone a lift, I don't expect them to dick around with my radio or adjust the mirrors.

We're only getting one side of the story. The fathers actions seem to indicate that he thinks the OP isn't pulling his weight. One persons definition of working around the house and another person is very different. If he's working around the house, why is his room messy?

LegacyUser

Sorry...I'm a she not a he

lace

Hi OP!

You do have reason to be annoyed (this would annoy me too) but I'm sure your dad also feels he has reason to be annoyed.

Most parents wouldn't really bother too much about what state their older kids' rooms are in and your dad does seem to be reacting a little strongly. He probably just feels that as he's paying the rent he's entitled to keep the house (the whole house) as clean as possible. And, tbh, he is. If you're not helping out with the rent then he's not obliged to stay out of your room.

If you haven't already tried then maybe a nice reasonable talk about the issue would help. Approach the subject really calmly and ask if he'd mind not moving things around in your room if you agreed to put things away more etc. Tell him you feel you'd like a little more privacy and try to come to some agreement as to what's okay for both of you.

Kevin Duffy

Wompa1 wrote: »

What is helping around the house though? How much does he actually do? is dropping the kids to school and maybe putting the plates in the dishwasher a lot?

You might not buy the my house, my rules idea but a lot of people do. If I buy a car and offer someone a lift, I don't expect them to dick around with my radio or adjust the mirrors.

We're only getting one side of the story. The fathers actions seem to indicate that he thinks the OP isn't pulling his weight. One persons definition of working around the house and another person is very different. If he's working around the house, why is his room messy?

Lot of assumptions there. When somone gets into your car, it's a lift, not their home, woeful analogy.

Wompa1

Kevin Duffy wrote: »

Lot of assumptions there. When somone gets into your car, it's a lift, not their home, woeful analogy.

How so? When you are over 18 and still at home without paying rent, you are getting a free ride. You are no longer your parents legal responsibility. You have to look at it from two sides. The way I interpreted the OPs post is that on more than once occasion his dad has put his stuff on his bed out of frustration. It sounds like he seems to believe the OP is not pulling his weight and by the fact his room is messy when he does not have a job seems to indicate to me that he's not doing a very good job of keeping the house clean. His room is part of the house.

Kevin Duffy

Kevin Duffy wrote: »

Lot of assumptions there. When somone gets into your car, it's a lift, not their home, woeful analogy.

Wompa1 wrote: »

How so? When you are over 18 and still at home without paying rent, you are getting a free ride. You are no longer your parents legal responsibility. You have to look at it from two sides. The way I interpreted the OPs post is that on more than once occasion his dad has put his stuff on his bed out of frustration. It sounds like he seems to believe the OP is not pulling his weight and by the fact his room is messy when he does not have a job seems to indicate to me that he's not doing a very good job of keeping the house clean. His room is part of the house.

For a start, you assume the OP is male. The only gender-specific phrase in their posts is "drama queen". That suggests you're not reading what's in the posts, but making assumptions. You've also made assumptions on the exact amount and type of housework their doing with no basis for the guesses.

LegacyUser

Thanks to Kevin and others for great advice. I think it's hard to get the situation across here, I'm not gonna start naming out everything I do in the house and most are just going to assume I'm a lazy student.

And Wompa- I'm a female, sorry if I didn't make that clear but that was really my question. If it's ok for my dad to be going into my room and going through my stuff when I'm a girl and need some privacy.

I don't want people arguing here and as I said it's hard to get across the whole story of my dad's anger issues etc.

Mods Is there anyway I csn just close this tread? Thanks. Sorry for wasting your time.

Wompa1

reallyannoyed wrote: »

His job isn't particularly stressful but I'm sure he finds it stressful sometimes. I don't just sit around all day, I have gone for several interviews in the last few months but don't seem to be having much luck. I worked in the same place for years till it closed down. I do volunteer work and I also have been doing training for a charity one day every week for the last few weeks. I like to think I'm not a lazy student, I do not go meet friends all day. I stay home every day helping out and doing stuff. I am trying my best to get a job too. I'm not perfect but I don't know if that merits him treating me like a child. If I was such a child that deserved punishments like my internet being blocked then I wouldn't be cleaning the house every day, making dinner, minding the kids, helping my mam etc. I could understand if I just lay in bed all day...

sorry about the he thing. Well then it does sound like you are pulling your weight so maybe his expectations are way too high. Sounds like you need to talk to him so. Ask him what he expects of you and tell him you think he's being unfair.

Wompa1

Kevin Duffy wrote: »

For a start, you assume the OP is male. The only gender-specific phrase in their posts is "drama queen". That suggests you're not reading what's in the posts, but making assumptions. You've also made assumptions on the exact amount and type of housework their doing with no basis for the guesses.

Honestly if I was making a sexist assumption, I would have gone with girl since most girls I know are much messier than guys. When I was typing originally I was going to put in he/she but didn't. Sorry.

LegacyUser

Wompa1 wrote: »

sorry about the he thing. Well then it does sound like you are pulling your weight so maybe his expectations are way too high. Sounds like you need to talk to him so. Ask him what he expects of you and tell him you think he's being unfair.

Thank you for your advice

Kevin Duffy

Wompa1 wrote: »

Honestly if I was making a sexist assumption, I would have gone with girl since most girls I know are much messier than guys. When I was typing originally I was going to put in he/she but didn't. Sorry.

My observation wasn't about guessing the gender incorrectly, it make no real difference, it was about assuming at all and the assumptions extended into guessing at the amount of work the OP was putting in around the house, which, according to her last post, were off target and undermined the potential efficacy of your advice.

Anyway, that's now an OT sideshow and best left alone from here.

Wompa1

Kevin Duffy wrote: »

My observation wasn't about guessing the gender incorrectly, it make no real difference, it was about assuming at all and the assumptions extended into guessing at the amount of work the OP was putting in around the house, which, according to her last post, were off target and undermined the potential efficacy of your advice.

Anyway, that's now an OT sideshow and best left alone from here.

Based on her dad reaction and her room being messy on more than one occasion. But an assumption none the less. But the OP is asking about if she's justified, so why not explore whether her dads reactions are completely irrational?

She did say she helped out, all I said was one persons definition of that is different to others.

Neyite

Op, Can you sit down and work out an agreement with your dad? While personally I think your dad is getting a bit OTT myself, its still his house, and its still his rules, and you still live there.

Ask him if you and he can have a chat - if you think he is likely to go off on one would sitting down over a quiet drink in the local to discuss it work? Its neutral territory and in a grown up environment.

Tell him that you want to work out an agreement - be prepared to listen to what he thinks - even if you may not like what you hear, and ask that he listen to you too. Then work out an acceptable compromise between you - whatever that may be. For instance if he goes nuts at your clothes on the floor would he be ok if they were thrown over a chair, or on a hook behind the door?
In return, would he agree to have a quiet word with you if he is annoyed at something and not to disconnect the broadband, and respect your privacy a bit more? Are there specific duties that you can be responsible for in the home? While the time you spend outside the home varies between lots of activities, if he is anything like my mum, its all lumped under the one heading of "gallivanting":rolleyes:. Do you think that its your mother complaining to him that makes him take action - if so she needs to be included in this chat.

It sounds like he is not good at communicating and gets hot-headed. So you need to be aware of that when commnicating with him - that its about trying to meet him halfway on your issues.

Maple

Thread closed as per OP request

Maple