He's separated

Sobersally

Hi, I need some advice.

I was on a night out with my girlfriends and got talking to the really attractive friendly guy. I gave him my number....and suprise surprise he text!

But when I asked my friends about him they told me he was separated from his wife. Small town syndrome in afraid.

I did ask him about his wife and we had a long conversation he explained the breakup etc. They were together for 9 years in total but have only been separated for 9 months. Yes, they did try to work on their marriage, separation was their last resort.

We have met up since and get on so well. He has answered all my questions about his marriage/separation honestly and we have spoken about my past relationships too.

Am I a fool to think he could be ready for another proper relationship so soon after his breakup? He has had one short relationship since their separation.

The small town thing plays on my mind too, I am aware he is someone else's husband and will remain so for the next 4 years minimum. I don't want my name dragged through the mud and my heart broken at the same time. I'm really starting to like him. Should I stop this before it goes any further?? Or am I just being scared?

I'm in my mid 20's and he's 8 years older.

I am a friend

The chances are they were trying to save the marriage for a long time before they split and on this basis, the relationship may have been over in his head for a long time before they actually split. If this is the case, 9 months after a formal break is time to be over the relationship but you will need to ask him about this.

Why do you think your name would be dragged through the mud? Does he had a good relationship with his ex? Why do you think your heart would be broken?

Sobersally

I am a friend wrote: »

Why do you think your name would be dragged through the mud? Does he had a good relationship with his ex? Why do you think your heart would be broken?

I have asked him and he says it's about time he moved on, he never said he was ready to move on. I think because I initially thought of him as a married man that others do too. He says he doesnt speak to her but after so long I know they have a lot of mutual friends and it can get a bit petty, he wouldn't be invited to one of his friends wives birthdays because the ex will be there.

And I'm always afraid of getting hurt.

Thanks for the feedback.

I am a friend

Sobersally wrote: »

he wouldn't be invited to one of his friends wives birthdays because the ex will be there.

OK, I dont understand if they worked on it and then decided to split, why this is the case? Can you tell us a bit more about the split?

Lon Dubh

Do they have children? If they do, do they have a signed (legal) custody agreement? If not she could cause problems if she decides she doesn't want him moving on (even if she doesn't want him either).

And do they have a signed seperation agreement (sorting out finances etc) yet? Again, if not this could get messy if she decides to play dirty.

9 months can be enough for him to move on if the relationship was essentially over long ago, BUT unless they are seperated legally there could be problems down the road, as he will still need to deal with her and she could decide to cause problems.

Even if he is ready to move on himself she could keep dragging him back into old arguments and cause difficulties for him to move on (even emotionally) if they are not legally seperated.

fghijkl

If they've been separated 9 months and have tried to work on their marriage then fair enough, in his head he's probably been single for years, and i wouldn't personally see any problem in persuing a relationship with him

but

I am a friend wrote: »

Originally Posted by Sobersally View Post
he wouldn't be invited to one of his friends wives birthdays because the ex will be there.

OK, I dont understand if they worked on it and then decided to split, why this is the case? Can you tell us a bit more about the split?

+1 on this. Something doesn't add up, if they've tried to save their marriage, then why so much hostility between them? Sounds like a lot of bitterness on either the ex's part or his part? Also he doesn't speak to the woman he was married to and in a relationship with for 9 years?! why? *alarm bells*

he says it's about time he moved on, he never said he was ready to move on

. I'd personally be worried that his ex initiated the breakup and there was still a lot of bitterness on her ex husbands part, i'd be weary on how over her he really is tbh.

LegacyUser

OP
Only He knows if he is ready to move on dont think to much about the Words 'Its Time to move on'

As for people saying there could be problems there

You say you have talked about the Seperation and he answered honestly. You have met him again so you must really believe this. ( the only other person who can confirm this is hie wife not your friends or small town gossip). Let me tell you as a divorced man you would have felt the bitterness if it was there. And I doubt he would have opened up at all if he was not ready.

Re the partys and he not being invited. Again from experience this is an easy way out for the person who is having the party as they feel it will be akward. In every break up people only hear 1 side and its easier to not invite the person who you not closest to.

I might be seen as bitter from a distance when asked about my ex as I would not go out of my way to talk or meet unless necessary but I would still greet her like an old friend when I do.

Please give the Guy a chance if you like him and dont let small town gossip effect your decision. At 28 he could be out playing the field. But he has chosen to chat you up, text you, meet you, answer your question about the break up Honestly and wants to keep seeing you.
It maybe its Time to move on because he feels he has found someone to move on with.

Sobersally

They do speak on a formal basis but arent in contact. They have no children so it makes things much easier. They do have alot of mutual friends and his family are still in contact with her so it makes me feel like im filling someone elses shoes at times. Ill find out if they have a formal separation - seems wise!

Thanks for the advice - ive decided to keep seeing him, he has gotten to meet some of my friends, im hesitant about meeting his as they will comprare me to his ex - even if it isnt intentional!

I am a friend

Sobersally wrote: »

im hesitant about meeting his as they will comprare me to his ex - even if it isnt intentional!

I dont think they will. If its been on the rocks for a long time then god know how long it is since they have seen the ex. Anyway, they are his friends so they will be happy for him.

I do think though with some people who are used to long term relationships that they tend to run into another one soon after so enjoy it but take your time with the introductions etc and dont get all swept up in the romance of it. Head over heart for a while