Unable to socialise

David09

Every day I feel as if I'm like a hamster on a wheel, going around and around getting nowhere.

I'm 28 and not in any relationship and haven't been for many years. I live at home with my mother in a rural location and am somewhat reclusive. I don't go to town often outside of work and I don't drink or go to pubs as it's not my scene.
Each morning, I get up, go to work and put in great effort, more often than not staying late to get stuff finished. I then head for home where I will continue to work on other projects until late hours. The same happens on weekends and the cycle repeats daily.
I find it difficult to talk to people on a social level if it doesn't involve the stuff I do at work. Anytime I communicate with people, I feel I bore them into technical detail which I understand but they don't. I try not to but I just can't help it.

I've just finished an engineering degree as mature student. I got on really well with my classmates, but there was a large age gap in that they were post leaving cert students.
The college where I studied was a long distance away and I never attended any social events, for two reasons that I had to drive home every evening to work\study and that social events were out of my comfort zone.

I have lots of friends, but they are all connected to my work and not socially.

So boardsies, any advice???? :cool:

Overheal

"Unwilling" to socialise.

You're perfectly able to socialise.

I'm the same way as you in how I choose to work and go home, but the difference is that I realise it's a choice I have made; it's within my control to change if I want to. I'm just normally content to come home and do hermity things that hermits sometimes do.

Milk & Honey

When you are out make it a rule not to talk about work. It is a rule in some clubs that no one talks business. Learn to make some inane remarks about sport or current affairs and the like.

Firetrap

You're in a comfort zone. It's way too easy to just go into work, talk to people there, then return to the cocoon that is your mother's house. That's what you've been doing. You've probably got rusty at talking to people but it's never too late to get in some practice.

For starters, unless you have a really exciting, unusual job with entertaining stories to tell about it, nobody is going to want to know. Broaden your horizon when it comes to things to talk about. Watch the news, listen to the radio, read a newspaper, even online. As an aside, I've discovered recently that the Daily Mail's website is a guilty pleasure for a lot of people! Not necessarily for the hard news stories.

If you do get talking to people, don't take over the conversation by talking a lot yourself. With a few questions, you can find out what makes them tick and let them do the talking. They'll think you're great.

If you don't enjoy being in pubs, well fair enough. They aren't everyone's cup of tea. Don't knock yourself though - seeing as you did get on well with the people on your course and your colleagues, you can't be that bad with people Would any of your colleagues be happy to include you in something they do outside of work? Like hillwalking or a sport they play? Or how about if you spot something that might interest you, invite a colleague to come along with you?

ILikeBananas

You sound like you need to develop your small talking skills. In this area the content of the conversation is not important at all but the way that the conversation is carried out is key. With the right skills you can make a banal conversation about the weather or someone's sun holiday seem positive and uplifting.

Here's a few tips for you:

When you meet a regular acquaintance pretend as if you're bumping into a great friend from the past who you haven't seen for years. So, big hearty smile and a forceful greeting. This may sound corny and false but it's ridiculously effective. Not only will you find that person warming to you but you actually warm to them by virtue of the positive nature of the conversation. It's completely win-win.

When someone is talking to you really pay attention to what it is they are saying and look directly at them. You may have the habit of staring into space or looking at your feet. You'll get a far more positive response if you meet their eye and nod along with what they are saying.

You sound like a smart person. Don't fall into the trap of proving how smart you are by explaining how other people are incorrect. It doesn't matter how right you are people generally don't like being told they are wrong about something (whether it be a technical fact or a political view). Intelligence is something that surfaces pretty quickly-no need to prove it.

Most people enjoy talking. Even more people enjoy talking about themselves. If you listen to someone as they talk about something in their lives they will feel better and they will associate part of this happiness with you.

It's amazing the amount of conversations I hear where two people are having a "conversation" whereby one person is telling a story about themselves and the other person takes one particular detail of that story and launches into their own story with that detail as a jumping off point. In this scenario neither person is really listening to the other and neither of them gets the satisfaction that somebody is actually listening to them

Oh and smile and be positive. Once again even if that sounds completely fake they are both self perpetuating. If you act happy you will become happy and people will be attracted to you.

So motto of the story OP: The content of what you have to say is really not important in small talk but if people see you as a positive person who they have a connection with (which they will if you are a good listener) then you'll do fine.

Good luck!