Got in touch with an ex

Pippy1976

hi

I know there have been numerous threads about this but I've read through some of them on here & they don't have answers to all of my questions. Maybe you guys can help....

I've been working in Dublin for the past while and passed where my ex used to live while I was there. I got to thinking about him - just general stuff like what's he up to now, how is he etc. The next day i sent him a general FB message. I didn't think much of it to be honest and when he replied he didn't even remember me all that well... after a while he did and ever since he's been messaging me, texting me and wanting to meet up.

He's married with kids now, however, so it's a bit strange. I mean, he's lovely, it'd be great to catch up and be friends. We didn't break up over anything major & just drifted off into other lives at the time.

He's said a few flirty things to me in messages and says things like 'good things come to those who wait' etc... I've not instigated this & wondered what exactly does he mean?

I admit that I am starting to think about him 'in that way' and I know I shouldn't. What do I do? And what is on about?!

Thanks guys

Miss Fluff

So in short you are lonely in a new city. You contacted an ex who didn't really remember you and now you're asking if you should pursue an affair with him? That is what you're asking basically isn't it? I'm not sure why you are asking what he means when you've said that the texts are flirty etc, isn't it blatantly obvious? :rolleyes:

So in answer to your question "What do I do?", I'd recommend that you leave married men to their wives and go join a club or a dating website or something if you're looking for some company....

Delete his number and don't have any more contact. The line has already been crossed so a "friendship" with this man isn't possible.

Pippy1976

Eh, Miss Fluff... no, that's not what I'm basically asking & I'm not lonely in a new city. Dublin isn't a new city to me. I keep in touch with alot of exes and friends from the past - it's just who I am.

I will not pursue any relationship with this man and never intended it to sound like I would. However, I would like to remain in touch with him but if he's got the wrong end of the stick then I was just wondering how I tackle the situation.

you guys misunderstood me... and sound very defensive about my innocent query on how to deal with his flirtatious-ness. I didn't instigate this and am not following up with flirtatious replies.

Take a chill people. I don't cheat with attached men - simple as.

Pippy1976

Also, while I'm on the point, why are people so against people being friends with exes... there's nothing wrong with it. Exes are exes for reasons, granted, but that doesn't mean you have to hang on to grudges for the rest of your life.

Get over it, move on & be civil to one another. Life's too short, man

Miss Fluff

Pippy1976 wrote: »

I admit that I am starting to think about him 'in that way' and I know I shouldn't. What do I do?

Did you have an out of body experience when you wrote this then? Because you're totally contradicting yourself.

Alopex

Pippy1976 wrote: »

Eh, Miss Fluff... no, that's not what I'm basically asking & I'm not lonely in a new city. Dublin isn't a new city to me. I keep in touch with alot of exes and friends from the past - it's just who I am.

I will not pursue any relationship with this man and never intended it to sound like I would. However, I would like to remain in touch with him but if he's got the wrong end of the stick then I was just wondering how I tackle the situation.

you guys misunderstood me... and sound very defensive about my innocent query on how to deal with his flirtatious-ness. I didn't instigate this and am not following up with flirtatious replies.

Take a chill people. I don't cheat with attached men - simple as.

If you think about him "in that way" its very risky to start hanging out again. Its that kind of thing jumps to "well he kissed me first"

he has a wife and kids, you're an ex with an interest - you are inappropriate friendship material for him

Pippy1976

The 'what to do' was in relation to... 'what should I do about his misunderstanding my reason for contacting him' - it should have been the start of another paragraph.

Yes, I was thinking of him 'in that way' because he was getting flirty - not because I wanted to do anything with him.

Basic query is this: he's a good guy, it'd be nice to be friends, i think he's misunderstood me contacting him, what should I do?

That's all. Sorry to have not worded it correctly.

Miss Fluff

Pippy1976 wrote: »

The 'what to do' was in relation to... 'what should I do about his misunderstanding my reason for contacting him'

You do nothing. You cut contact. I'm sure you have plenty of other friends. Your bond with him can't have been that close if he didn't even remember you. He's a twat and he's looking for a bit of extra-marital obviously. Cut ties.

Pippy1976

bahahahaha, brilliant answer. Thanks Miss Fluff.

God, do you really think he's looking for extra-marital 'whatever'? Bloody hell.... not my intention at all. I think you're right - I don't want to pursue something that in my opinion is innocent but he's thinking something else.

Cheers!

Neyite

I have encountered this before, bumping into a married or otherwise attached ex. In my case it happened several times, all with predictible results. The flirting tells you that they wouldn’t mind a more-than-friends encounter. If you flirt back, then he knows that you are not too bothered about his attached status, and eventually suggest meeting up for a date of sorts.

It’s a way of sounding you out on the possibility that you are interested in a one night stand or a fling. And he will keep up with the flirting until you tell him to F**k off back to his wife. when you do, despite the friendship that he was so keen to restore beforehand you probably won’t hear from him again.

Exes can be friends, but in order to be friends, flirting or being suggestive normally don’t feature and certainly not behind a partners back. Similarly if one still has romantic feelings for the other it only causes heartbreak/headwreck. Normally friends come as a result of affection remaining after the coupleness is over, and is considered worth preserving.

If it is totally innocent, ask yourself this – would you think that his wife would be bothered with the content of his messages to you? if your answer is ‘probably’, then its in your best interests to back off from this guy. He is not that lovely if he is flirting with an ex he can barely remember behind his wife’s back.

Ellen33

Pippy1976 wrote: »

bahahahaha, brilliant answer. Thanks Miss Fluff.

God, do you really think he's looking for extra-marital 'whatever'? Bloody hell.... not my intention at all. I think you're right - I don't want to pursue something that in my opinion is innocent but he's thinking something else.

Cheers!

Pursuing a friendship with an ex who you arw "starting to think about in that way" is a bad idea. Everyone knows where these things end up, rarely ever just as friends in my opinion. Trust me I would know!

This guy is now married, he doesnt need you as a friend especially seeing as he didnt even remember you to begin with.

I am a friend

Cut contact - he sounds a bit slimy.

Pippy1976

It does sound funny that I said he didn't remember me but that was because I didn't go into details in my first message to him. I just said I was in college with you, passed by where you live & said I'd drop a line to say hi.

My name's different now too so he wouldn't have recognised it at all off the bat.

Any-who, you're all completely right. He's got the wrong idea from me, he shouldn't be messaging me with flirtatious comments because he's not only attached but married to boot!

It's a pity that he did that. Would've been nice to meet up with a pal from the past but I'm totally not going to go there. I've deleted his number now too.

Sin e.

Pips x

Justask

Pippy from your first post to your last you have totally changed your tune.

IMO if have got in touch with him and it has ended in flirty messgaes its clear were this is going.

If you wise you will cut contact again beacuse the only person who will get hurt is YOU

Pippy1976

@Justask - of course I've changed my tune... I was asking for advice as I was unsure what to do. I got the advice & have taken it on board.

Isn't that what I'm supposed to do? Please see my last post....

Justask

Pippy1976 wrote: »

@Justask - of course I've changed my tune... I was asking for advice as I was unsure what to do. I got the advice & have taken it on board.

Isn't that what I'm supposed to do? Please see my last post....

You will see that my post and your last post were posted in or around the same minutes. :rolleyes:

i meant before that :rolleyes:

Best of luck

missgroovy21

I wouldnt want to be marrieds to him thats for sure., I had an ex fb me a few months ago originally just saying hi......so i said hi no harm in that within mins he was sexually flirting and wanted to well the fb version of a sex text. he moved across country to be with his new girlfriend and ive been in a relationship for 3 years and i wanna marry this guy so i told my ex to go rot in hell......he hasnt contact me since. I did tell my boyfriend what he had said and he just laughed and called him a loser. I think in your case maybe you are lonely but remember hes an ex for a reason no matter how amicable the break up may have been.....hes married and obv a jerk who would cheat. Maybe he'll always regret ending your relationship but move on!!!

Wompa1

On the whole not talking to your ex thing and why it's popular here. In my opinion like you said your ex is an ex for a reason. If it's any reason other than moving away from each other or something on a non-personal level I would say it's grand. If it's to do with cheating, personality conflicts etc. I'd question why you would want to be friends with that person?

But I'm somebody who has about 3 friends. I'm not on Facebook anymore and generally try to only surround myself with genuine people, so if I know someone has huge flaws that I don't like e.g. I had an ex that was very very insecure and paranoid..I don't need that in a girlfriend or a friend. I had an ex who was a chronic liar and a cheat..not somebody I'd like to hang out with since I know I can't trust them.

LegacyUser

As a man, if I received a message from an ex I didn't remember on facebook, it would be fairly straight cut - she wants something from me.

Why else would you contact? In my head, you are simply looking to get back into my life in some manner and a LOT of men would abuse that situation.

I don't believe you that you didn't see where this was headed, I think you don't like the first couple of replies you got and are now backtracking and claiming total innocence to the situation.

Either way, exes CAN'T be friends in my opinion as someone always still holds or redevelops feelings for the other person. In my experience, female exes have read too deep into minor situations and come to conclusions that quickly showed they couldn't handle a genuine friendship (and friendship only)!

Respect his wife and children enough to back off and leave this man alone. You're lonely and single and see this as a bit of fun and expected someone here to justify it.

Picture yourself somewhere down the road if you get married and watch your husband texting his ex flirty messages while you take care of the children you had with that man, and see how you feel about it then? See if you still can't understand why someone would have problems with exes being friends.

Perhaps you simply haven't been in a relationship where you cared about your partner enough to see how hurtful it is to see your partner sharing a closeness with someone they once slept with/lived with.
Perhaps you are the woman who is always trying to be friends with YOUR exes, but have you had a boyfriend who likes to keep HIS exes in his life?

End contact with this man now, and don't do this again to any other potential love interests who are married/in a relationship.

Pippy1976

There's alot in your post so I'll take it point by point:

1. I didn't text because I wanted anything from this guy... if i did want anything it was just to drop a line & say hi (which I explained to this chap anyway),
2. I didn't see where it was going (if indeed it was going anywhere at all - in my mind, it's wasn't / isn't),
3. I don't have feelings for this person in the way that you're implying,
4. Not lonely & single... I'm not sure where you got that from but making assumptions about someone who is genuinely looking for advice is hurtful thank you very much & I don't need justification from you or anyone else with regard to my actions,
5. I have put myself in his wife's shoes and did not like the picture is conjured up - therefore have deleted his number, like I said in a previous post but you obviously didn't read that one,
6. And making blanket statements about my past relationships is again a bit harsh as you don't know my personal circumstances,
7. I don't always try and maintain contact with exes - I do if I feel there is a genuine friendship there to hold on to. I'm not one to hold grudges and try to keep friendships for as long as is possible,
8. Yes my boyfriends have always kept their exes in their lives and it's not bothered me before... but then again, maybe not all girlfriends are like me so I should bear this in mind next time I contact an ex,
9. And finally, he wasn't a potential love interest AT ALL & I wasn't aware he was married when I instigated contact.

I find your tone rude and dismissive without knowing all the facts.... pips x

C-J

Yet another thread where the op gets snotty and defensive when they don't like the answers to their 'problems'.

thefeatheredcat

Pippy1976 wrote: »

I've been working in Dublin for the past while and passed where my ex used to live while I was there. I got to thinking about him - just general stuff like what's he up to now, how is he etc. The next day i sent him a general FB message. I didn't think much of it to be honest and when he replied he didn't even remember me all that well... after a while he did and ever since he's been messaging me, texting me and wanting to meet up.

He's married with kids now, however, so it's a bit strange. I mean, he's lovely, it'd be great to catch up and be friends. We didn't break up over anything major & just drifted off into other lives at the time.

He's said a few flirty things to me in messages and says things like 'good things come to those who wait' etc... I've not instigated this & wondered what exactly does he mean?

I admit that I am starting to think about him 'in that way' and I know I shouldn't. What do I do? And what is on about?!

Thanks guys

Going back to the original post. It's natural when you happen upon a place to have some memories, and it does happen you wonder about the person memories were shared. It's perfectly natural to wonder how they are now, what they are doing, etc. And natural enough if it's a case of lost contact down the years to look to make contact, catch up, see where they're at.

OP, you found out through contacting him he is married, with kids. You've been fine about it, thinking maybe friendship only.

Where things seem to be misinterpreted here is that the communication turned to him sending flirty texts and by the quote about "good things come to those who wait" by him. OP is uncomfortable with that, and understandably so and has not responded in kind. I don't quite understand where people are jumping the gun a bit and making assumptions she's looking for something here. tbh imo it makes the guy seem like a bit of a creep to jump to the assumption that those flirty texts will be responded to and are welcomed or to interpret contact after some time being as a wish to have someone flirt by text. I'd be running for the hills by what he said, given the circumstances, cutting contact, but not before I explicitly explain and make him understand that he has misunderstood the attempt to make a connection and being aware of the marriage and children, he is a sleaze for sending flirty texts. He probably was damn well aware who she was when the message was sent, but pretended not to remember, or didn't remember and then did some searching and thought, ah, she's an ex of mine, oooh, she must want to hook up for something. That's his error on the thought process. He's reading far too much into you contacting him.

OP you are wise not to bother with this guy. Perhaps you should have set him straight and told him you were a bit freaked by his flirty texts, that should have been nipped in the bud straight away. As for thinking about him "in that way" that's probably just a response to the flirty texts, but I doubt a true picture of anything that you feel. Maybe it's just the flattery of the texts blurring the situation, confusing as it may be given that you weren't looking for that anyway.

Either case, you should put the point out there to him should you resume contact that you were only looking to catch up and find out how he is, rebuild a friendship but nothing more and inform that flirty texts are not appreciated and unfair to his wife and children.

Wompa1

Pippy1976 wrote: »

There's alot in your post so I'll take it point by point:

1. I didn't text because I wanted anything from this guy... if i did want anything it was just to drop a line & say hi (which I explained to this chap anyway),
2. I didn't see where it was going (if indeed it was going anywhere at all - in my mind, it's wasn't / isn't),
3. I don't have feelings for this person in the way that you're implying,
4. Not lonely & single... I'm not sure where you got that from but making assumptions about someone who is genuinely looking for advice is hurtful thank you very much & I don't need justification from you or anyone else with regard to my actions,
5. I have put myself in his wife's shoes and did not like the picture is conjured up - therefore have deleted his number, like I said in a previous post but you obviously didn't read that one,
6. And making blanket statements about my past relationships is again a bit harsh as you don't know my personal circumstances,
7. I don't always try and maintain contact with exes - I do if I feel there is a genuine friendship there to hold on to. I'm not one to hold grudges and try to keep friendships for as long as is possible,
8. Yes my boyfriends have always kept their exes in their lives and it's not bothered me before... but then again, maybe not all girlfriends are like me so I should bear this in mind next time I contact an ex,
9. And finally, he wasn't a potential love interest AT ALL & I wasn't aware he was married when I instigated contact.

I find your tone rude and dismissive without knowing all the facts.... pips x

To be honest with you OP you are getting very defensive. If you post on here you will get other peoples opinions and some will challenge the way you think about the situation. That is not a bad thing at all. You did receive the advice to just let it go too which you have followed.

Just be aware, only post in this forum if you are open to being challenged. I love getting challenged. I find it a lot more helpful than everything I say getting a yes

Pippy1976

Wompa1 wrote: »

To be honest with you OP you are getting very defensive. If you post on here you will get other peoples opinions and some will challenge the way you think about the situation. That is not a bad thing at all. You did receive the advice to just let it go too which you have followed.

Just be aware, only post in this forum if you are open to being challenged. I love getting challenged. I find it a lot more helpful than everything I say getting a yes

I don't mind being challenged whatsoever. What I do mind is people thinking that I'm single / lonely and looking for something in places where it won't be found and assuming, without foundation, that I would start something / want something with a married man. Are you guys kidding me?

I just wanted to know how to tackle the situation.

@featheredcat - you seem to get what I was on about from the get-go and thank you for your feedback. Should he contact me again I will put it to him (as you suggested) that I was only looking to get in touch and see how he was and that his texts were inappropriate - perhaps I should have done that in the beginning but I got a bit freaked out.

@Wompa - I don't think this forum is about being challenged.. it's about sharing ideas and suggesting advice that will help people. Making sweeping statements about someone's personal life is, in my opinion, a little bit rude.

Thanks guys. pips x

LegacyUser

thefeatheredcat wrote: »

Where things seem to be misinterpreted here is that the communication turned to him sending flirty texts and by the quote about "good things come to those who wait" by him. OP is uncomfortable with that, and understandably so and has not responded in kind. I don't quite understand where people are jumping the gun a bit and making assumptions she's looking for something here. tbh imo it makes the guy seem like a bit of a creep to jump to the assumption that those flirty texts will be responded to and are welcomed or to interpret contact after some time being as a wish to have someone flirt by text. I'd be running for the hills by what he said, given the circumstances, cutting contact, but not before I explicitly explain and make him understand that he has misunderstood the attempt to make a connection and being aware of the marriage and children, he is a sleaze for sending flirty texts. He probably was damn well aware who she was when the message was sent, but pretended not to remember, or didn't remember and then did some searching and thought, ah, she's an ex of mine, oooh, she must want to hook up for something. That's his error on the thought process. He's reading far too much into you contacting him.

But was the OP already friends on facebook with this guy? Did she just seek him out after walking past his house? Did she walk past his house with the intention of researching her ex to begin with?

Chances are he may have had himself listed as 'married' on facebook. He may have had photos of his wife and kids. To take the time to look him up on facebook as an ex, but not put the time into checking his relationship status before contacting seems unusual, even if you don't have a deeper motive. I think that's something we are all a tad curious about when it comes to an ex.

Again, as a guy, I can see no other reason for a woman to get in contact other than wanting something from me.

Perhaps women are different and are happy to have some general pointless chit-chat, but as a man, I e-mail/message/text someone when I want something from them. I don't have the time or interest in being nosey and checking up on my exes by directly getting into contact with them to see if they are married or not now. A lot of people have had a quick lookup of an ex on facebook, but few take the time to send them a message particularly when they were an insignificant part in that person's life [to the degree that they have been forgotten].

That in itself shows more than a healthy interest in an ex and I hope the OP can learn from this situation for future reference and not go contacting an ex if she has no wish to deal with the consequences.

But I really think the vast majority of guys would have behaved in the same way as this guy.

Pippy1976 wrote:

The next day i sent him a general FB message. I didn't think much of it to be honest and when he replied he didn't even remember me all that well... after a while he did and ever since he's been messaging me, texting me and wanting to meet up.

The OP appears to have gone and given him her phone number and at that point she had to have known this man was married with children. Where did she think this was heading?

I still read this as the OP leading on her ex, who happens to be open to cheating and thinks he's being offered easy sex on a plate, and when she posted here she was pretty much wondering if she should pursue it.

OP, I hope you will follow what you have written here and not contact this man any further. His wife and children deserve more than that.

Pippy1976

Ok, I know you guys all like updates on these things so here we go (and hopefully from this we can draw a line under it and I can move on!)

I honestly tracked him down to see how he was. Nothing more, nothing less. It said on his page that he was in a relationship, no big deal to me - I wasn't looking to hook up with him in that way. It started off as general banter and we said, god, yeah, we'll meet for a coffee and a catch up - hence, I gave him my number. Again, on my part, not reading too much into it.

I asked several times about his wife and where they met and how old were the kids but he never replied to any of my questions. I think that's really odd. So then the flirty texts started and that's why i ended up here.

I appreciate the feedback from all you guys. Sometimes your comments have been a bit hurtful in terms of suggesting that I was looking for something more [and that was the only reason I contacted this guy] and saying I was lonely and single. I didn't want anything from him other than to catch up, have a chat, see what he's up to and leave it at that.

I've since taken your advice on board - deleted his number and not contacted him on FB. As far as I'm concerned he shouldn't have assumed I wanted to flirt. I didn't. I am SO aware that he is not only attached but married with a family and I just do not want to go down that road with anyone, ever.

It's a pity as he misconstrued my intentions. Anyway, I've not had contact with him for many years... I'm hardly going to miss him now!

pips x

catch me if you can

Pippy1976 wrote: »

hi

II've not instigated this

Thanks guys

just read your reply - well done !