Husband working abroad too long.....

LegacyUser

Really dont know what to do, so would love the boardsies advice.

My husband of nearly 2 years, has been working abroad for 19 months. At first it was only in Europe, but then he was moved to South America middle of last year, with his job and he only gets home for 2 weeks every 4-6 months.

While he is working there, we do keep in contact over skype, but his job are making him work absolutely insane hours. Up to 4 months ago he had been doing 6 day weeks, but now he's being made do a 7 day week all the time. Apart from being home in Ireland for those two weeks he's only had 2 days off in the last 4 months. He also does a 12-14 hour day every day.

Anyway, he is absolutely miserable, and the job is really taking its toll on him at this stage - he's changing into a different person. He's not the happy type of person he was before, when I do talk to him he's usually just so pissed off (and who can blame him, the company he works for are total d*ckheads), I hardly ever see him smile properly any more.

He was very close to not going back to South America the last time he was home. I'm actually worried for his sanity and his health at this stage.

He did have a couple of interviews while he was home, but unfortunately they didnt work out. And he is applying for jobs all over Ireland and the UK every day. But catch 22 here, because he cant get home for interviews, nothing is happening for him - and most companies wont do a phone or skype interview (dont ask me my not)

Anyway - now here is the dilemma - I would give absolutely anything in the world to have him home - but am trying to support him no matter what he decides. But if he was to come home and couldnt manage to get a job for any more than 3 months, we would not be able to manage financially. I'm only earning min wage, and out outgoings are approx €2300 a month.

Now we do have two cars, we could sell one of them, and there is the possiblity of looking into going on an interest only mortgage for a while, but is it too big a risk to take.

What we would be hoping is, that once he got home and was actually able to go for interviews, he might get a job a bit more quickly.......

I'm so worried about him, and if he decides to stay at home the next time he gets home for two weeks - I dont want to have to tell him, sorry we cant afford for you to stay at home!

I miss him like crazy and dont feel that this is any kind of marriage to have. Speaking to him for 10 mins a day, and then just not having him around at all. I actually kind of feel like a single person at this stage, when I'm out with friends etc. Most of the time I try not to think about it, but when it does get to me, I almost feel like I've a broken heart.

Please give some advise boardsies!

catch me if you can

My advise is ring the bank and arrange interest only for 1 year if possible. explain your situation. the banks are doing this option for people. you could also ask for a 3 month morotorium where you dont pay your mortgage for 3 months.
any loans you have do the same ask for interest only.
get all the info and ring him and get him home
life is too short
once at home and with these things in place he should be able to secure work within the year sooner hopefully.

other options would be rent out a room in your house or arrange to take students. anything is possible if you want him home.

seamus

I think the solution is obvious, you're just hesitant about making the leap.

IMO, there are only two good reasons for a long-distance relationship, particularly where the couple are married:

1. The person abroad is doing something very important to them, that they really love doing
2. The person abroad is making a ****load of money

It doesn't sound like either apply here. You need to plan your "escape" as it were. Set up a savings account, which is dedicated solely for the purpose of supporting your husband in a job hunt. Sell one car, put all of the proceeds into the account. Every month, whatever you have spare, stick it in the account. Don't dip into the account for anything.
Remember that if he comes home jobless, he should still be entitled to get some form of social welfare while he looks for work. So you won't be completely without income.

You both need to properly sit down and do your sums in terms of what is the absolute minimum you can survive on - taking into account freezing subscriptions to things, not eating out, and so on.

Your marriage and your husband's health are worth more than anything bills or possessions. He sounds like he's working his ass off and being treated like crap just to earn enough money for what are frankly very modest outgoings;

€2,300/month is €27,600/year. Two people doing 40 hours a week on minimum wage could support that, with nearly €200/month to spare.

I think you're worrying too much about not being able to afford for him to come home. As long as he's open about what kind of work he's willing to take on, at least for the purposes of having some income, then I don't think you can afford for him not to come home.

Beruthiel

I have to ask, why have you had a second car sitting in the drive for 19 months depreciating?

Was it not an option for you to go with him on his travels and rent your house out?

aidan24326

RecessionWife wrote: »

I miss him like crazy and dont feel that this is any kind of marriage to have. Speaking to him for 10 mins a day, and then just not having him around at all. I actually kind of feel like a single person at this stage, when I'm out with friends etc. Most of the time I try not to think about it, but when it does get to me, I almost feel like I've a broken heart.

Please give some advise boardsies!

It isn't, and your marriage won't last if it continues like that, you'll end up practically being strangers. The house and the two cars won't be much use to either of you then.

I'd urge him to quit the ridiculous job and come home, simple as. Go on interest only with the bank, or re-arrange the terms, it's bound to be a common occurrence with them these days. And by all means sell one of the cars, why on earth would you have kept two anyway when he's never around? That's a total waste of money. The money you'd get for selling a car could buy you couple of extra months breathing space on the mortgage.

Anyway those details would be for yourself to figure out but it's a matter of prioritising your marriage at this stage. the financial stuff will work itself out over time even if it means you have to take lifestyle hit for a while. If it was me my marriage would be more important, and in any case your husband hates his job so it's not like you're asking him to give up his dream job or anything like that. This one should be a no-brainer. That job sounds like it's driving him mad and depriving you both of the marriage you could be having.

LegacyUser

I have to ask, why have you had a second car sitting in the drive for 19 months depreciating?

Was it not an option for you to go with him on his travels and rent your house out?

At first, his company were moving him around to different countries so much, he never knew where he'd be and for how long.

Then when he moved to South America, I did go out to him for a while, but literally only saw him when he got home at 10pm at night, and he didnt want me stuck on my own all day when I have family and friends at home. I did try to get a job, but my level of Spanish was not good enough.

LOl - re the car, he didnt want me to sell his car in case he got a job at home sooner. But he's coming round to my way of thinking now. Dumb I know.

I am a friend

Is the salary he is on, worth all this?

LegacyUser

No the salary isnt particularly worth it - but the reason he's stuck with it so long, is because he was out of work for a year before he got this job - and he's scared witless that if he comes home thats whats going to happen again.

He's very much the type of person who has to have a job, and I know thats whats made him stick it out this long.

Miss Fluff

RecessionWife wrote: »

Then when he moved to South America, I did go out to him for a while, but literally only saw him when he got home at 10pm at night, and he didnt want me stuck on my own all day when I have family and friends at home. I did try to get a job, but my level of Spanish was not good enough.

It's only now it's dawned on me that you're not at home with the kids, I presumed that's the only reason you were in Ireland.

OMG I'd be moving back out there asap. You're only earning the minimum wage here. You've no other ties bar friends and family. I'd be doing a TEFL course if I were you and planning to go join him asap. Your marriage depends on it.

LegacyUser

Miss Fluff

It's only now it's dawned on me that you're not at home with the kids, I presumed that's the only reason you were in Ireland.

OMG I'd be moving back out there asap. You're only earning the minimum wage here. You've no other ties bar friends and family. I'd be doing a TEFL course if I were you and planning to go join him asap. Your marriage depends on it. [/Quote}

See when I was there, I told him I wanted to stay with him, but because he never has days off, and we would still only see eachother for 2 hours every night, he told me he wanted me to come home.

But its not only that - the job is impossible - even when I was there with him, the job was making him miserable.

Believe me, if he didnt mind the job, I would be straight back out there to him - no questions asked!

Miss Fluff

Surely this can be negotiated with his employers though?

Why doesn't he have a chat with them, say that you want to be together and ask can he work a 5-day week? I'm not sure what part of SA he is in but any employer who is even slightly family-oriented should be sympathetic enough to his plight.

It's great that you're willing to go join him, I would be too. It's the right thing to do, you're only newlyweds still tbh

LegacyUser

Unfortunately his employers are in no way family orientated.

its actually an irish company he works for, but they have no work in ireland, as they generally work on oil refineries and big construction jobs.

This will just show how unreasonable they are - one of the project managers actually said recently that they were going to take Skype away, as it was using up too much of the internet bandwidth and too many people were using it.

Now the other side of that is, if that happened I would not get to talk to him at all - as hte internet in his apartment is so poor, its impossible to talk on skype.

All they care about it work work work and getting the job done, no matter what.

At this stage, I'm just going to say to him that when he's home in September, he should hand in his notice. Because at least that way he'll have had his flights home paid for. If he does it before then, they would be most unlikely to pay for his flights and would also try and getaway with not paying him his last months wages. (shows how utterly unreasonable they are)

moco

Just get him home asap and work it out from there, cos that's no way to live. I know I couldn't do it anyway!

curlzy

Hey OP,

What a rotton mess. You're poor hubbie! Poor you! That really is a **** situation to be in. But it's fixable. You and him definately need to call it a day on this shenanigans of a job. Being a man that has to have a job is admirable but working for bastards and in those conditions is just foolish. So yeah, sell the car, tighten your belts, get down to the Social Welfare office to see what you guys are entitled to and get job hunting. Your husband is working up to 12 hours a day for 6 or 7 days a week and on top of it he doesn't like his employers, he'll get sick if this keeps up. There's ways out of this. Have a talk with him and make sure to assure him you miss him and want him home, job or no job, maybe that will take the sting out of it. Or like others suggested, try to go and join him but even then it doesn't sound like a healthy way for either of you to live.

Best of luck.