Husband doesn't want sex

Starzzz

I seem to be in same situation and I always felt alone, I am 30 my fiancé is 37 we have been together 13 years engaged 12. In the beginning we always had sex for hours, it stared to dwindle when we got engaged I will never forget it because I had to beg for sex which we had once and never again in 11 years. I constantly try I get out of shower and walk in front of him naked dripping wet yet he never looks at me anymore he looks straight ahead at tv and he gets mad at me, I got in bed with him and started rubbing against him and took my shirt off he told me to move over or go downstairs. I have been struggling with this for awhile to the point that I have very low self esteem to the point I hate myself. I try to talk to him all the time but he refuses and gets angry he even told me once that he isn't interested will never be again and has no desire to fix it and for me to figure something out for myself. I get offers from guys all the time so other guys seem to find me attractive. I missed out on any sex at all in my 20's last time was when I was 19. I love him I don't want to break up but I don't know what to do anymore it's almost to the point where I can't deal with this and just sometimes hope I don't wake up... Could I be that disgusting my own fiancé does not want to touch me?? We do not hold hands or any intimacy on any level at all and I mean at all we barely sit in same room. Please help I have also offered to move out and he did not want me to go he does do everything for me anything I want except sex.... Is it selfish to end a log term relationship over sex?

Ickle Magoo

Given you your own thread, rather than bumping someone else's thread from 2009.

All the best. :cool:

Catari Jaguar

Starzzz wrote: »

I try to talk to him all the time but he refuses and gets angry he even told me once that he isn't interested will never be again and has no desire to fix it and for me to figure something out for myself.

We do not hold hands or any intimacy on any level at all and I mean at all we barely sit in same room.

He's answered the question re the sex.

The lack of connection and any form of affection or intimacy makes me ask why are you with him? What do you get out of this?

If I were you I'd leave him, I'd have left years ago. It would be difficult and frightening but you deserve better. Can you put up with this for another 40-50 years? I assume no sex also means he wants no kids....

Corkblowin

Starzzz wrote: »

Please help I have also offered to move out and he did not want me to go he does do everything for me anything I want except sex.... Is it selfish to end a log term relationship over sex?

I've been in the same position as you op (but nowhere near as bad) and I think you're asking the wrong question.......it's not do I end a long term relationship, but rather do I even have a relationship to end? From here it seems you're living with a housemate & friend, not your future husband & lover.

You got into this young & (im guessing) that you dont have the confidence in yourself to believe that you would be ok outside it. One person cannot dictate how the relationship should be - but it appears he is. My advice is to decide what it is you want, & if we will not talk about your wants & needs then it's time for you to move out & on with the life you want - no asking will you move out, no begging for anything from him - just take control yourself. Good luck with it all.

naughtysmurf

He obviously has some serious issue / problem, it's not normal for a young male to have no interest at all.
If I were you I would tell him exactly what you need as a woman and if he can't provide it, that you are off and be prepared to go. This has gone on for way too long!!

I'd also offer to help him in any way to get him from where he is to where he needs to be, if again he says he has no interest, then I'm sorry but this relationship is dead in the water and if it was me, as hard as it may be, I'd be off and looking forward to the rest of my life.

Best of luck

I can't believe you stayed in a relationship as a young woman for a decade with no sex life, this isn't a full relationship, a lot of sex lives take a bit of a dip after the initial excitement passes and kids come along etc etc but a drop to zero with no kids in the mix for ten years is not normal by any strech of the imagination

AND NO, IT'S NOT SELFISH

Esoteric_

You say you love this guy and don't want to break up, but he's showing that he cares a bit less about you because he won't get this problem sorted out for you. It IS a problem. How can you live in a sexless marriage? I mean, if the guy had a serious disability or accident then fair enough, but he just has no sex drive and is too lazy or embarrassed to get up off his backside and sort it out. Do you not see how little he cares if he EXPECTS you to stay with him and live without sex because he's a lazy little git?

Speaking from my own experience, I used to have pretty much no sex drive. I just didn't want sex at all. Unlike your fiance though, I felt absolutely awful at not being able to fulfill my partner's sexual needs, so I went and got it sorted out. Came off the medication that was causing my sex drive to wane, and although I still didn't have much of a sex drive (never did, even before the medication completely killed it), I did things like dressing up and stuff like that because it made me feel sexy which made me want to initiate sex.


You have to ask yourself are you willing to live without sex for the rest of your life, because your man is too lazy or embarrassed or stubborn or downright selfish to go get this sorted out? I can tell you now that even as someone with a very low sex drive, I certainly wouldn't stay with someone that shows me so little love.

argentum

From my point of view I would advise you to run as fast as you can from this relationship its like your'e brother and sister for gods sake.Its not normal for anyone to be like that male or female and I can't believe you have stayed this long trying to make it work.If my wife got out of the shower naked I'd be all over her like a rash and not ignore her.I think its not worth it any more and please leave him for your own sake you dont want to end up old and be filled with regrets.You haven't mentioned kids but do you want any because he sure as hell doesn't.You were very young when you met him but you can and will do better without him.best of luck

LegacyUser

My advice would be to tell him to sort it out or you will end the relationship. Is their any chance he is cheating on you?

Speaking from experience, my husband was up to no good and avoided me like the plague when I was pregnant. I gave up asking him for sex a few years ago and we have only slept together twice in over two years. He now sits in front of a computer or TV until 2 or 3 am every night and says he is fine so that's the end of it. He is not cheating anymore. Just has
little interest in anything except his PC.

I am a good bit older and we have kids, he is quite a good father and the kids are the only reason I have not left him. I don't know if I can tolerate it for ever though.

Get out now why you are young enough. You will meet someone who thinks enough of you to sort him self out. Best of luck.

Taltos

OP - I have to really stress the last posters response.
As a guy as well - this is just not normal - and his refusal to even talk about it?

Well it all stinks.

Get out of there now - after 11 years - if he has not sorted it by now - he never will. Also any promises he gives you are worthless.

You are still really young and doubtless attractive hence the come-ons from the other guys - get out of that sham of a relationship and get a life for yourself.

Your "fiance" is not going to change long term. To my thinking you should in fact be angry that you were "tricked" into this relationship...

Wanting to be loved and felt loved - this is not selfish - it is a totally natural human need - and without it - well whats the point?

prinz

Starzzz wrote: »

We do not hold hands or any intimacy on any level at all and I mean at all we barely sit in same room. Please help I have also offered to move out and he did not want me to go he does do everything for me anything I want except sex.... Is it selfish to end a log term relationship over sex?

It's not just sex he is withholding. It is intimacy, love, affection, tenderness, closeness, physical contact. Ultimatum time I think, therapy/counselling or goodbye. Sounds like he has serious issues relating to more than the act of sex itself.

naughtysmurf

The more I think about your problem, the more angry I get.

If I was in your shoes, I'd do what I originally suggested and if he wasn't doing backflips with excitement at the last chance I was offering, if there was even a hint of negativity...I'd be gone without as much as a goodbye & kiss my arse.

If you are honest with yourself, you already know what to do, you just have to get up the courage if required, and do it.

How you don't hate him after 10yrs of being treated like that amazes me.

Do what needs to be done and move on with your life, a young woman with potentially a long life ahead... and what does, he does everything else for me mean? Spare me, please don't waste another 10yrs.

By the way, this is also a males perspective, sorry if it sounds angry towards you, it's not meant to.

Starzzz

Thank you for all the replies as I read them it saddens me that I wasted my life and was almost willing to live like this, I almost couldn't stand sleeping in same bed which we do btw just separate edges. No I do not have children but I want them and I want to get married but I honestly can't see myself marrying him we wouldn't even consummate it!!! Yes I stayed in it for a long time I was not willing to give up I always thought he would change I am thinking now it won't happen. At the same time he is all I know I have been with him since I was 18 I have never lived alone. I so resent him the home we live in now we never had sex. I was told by a friend he is waiting for me to end it so he doesn't look like th bad guy. Come to think of it someone said we looked like we were brother/sister and didn't even know we were a couple. He isn't a bad guy he is a nice guy. I am scared I think to move on and leave. I just got a large settlement and everyone tells me this is my chance but I get so sad. Thank you again foe the support and replies

Hairyass

Just one question, Is it possible that he might be gay??

naughtysmurf

Starzzz wrote: »

Thank you for all the replies as I read them it saddens me that I wasted my life and was almost willing to live like this, I almost couldn't stand sleeping in same bed which we do btw just separate edges. No I do not have children but I want them and I want to get married but I honestly can't see myself marrying him we wouldn't even consummate it!!! Yes I stayed in it for a long time I was not willing to give up I always thought he would change I am thinking now it won't happen. At the same time he is all I know I have been with him since I was 18 I have never lived alone. I so resent him the home we live in now we never had sex. I was told by a friend he is waiting for me to end it so he doesn't look like th bad guy. Come to think of it someone said we looked like we were brother/sister and didn't even know we were a couple. He isn't a bad guy he is a nice guy. I am scared I think to move on and leave. I just got a large settlement and everyone tells me this is my chance but I get so sad. Thank you again foe the support and replies

You haven't wasted your life, you have wasted some of it, don't waste too much more of it, you're only a young one (compared to me anyway )
You want to get married & have kids, then at least create a situation where this becomes a possibility.
If he is a nice guy he won't stop or hinder you from trying to get what you want out of life i.e. married & kids
Take the money and run, time to stop feeling sad & sorry for yourself, tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life... but it's up to you, best of luck

Sleepy

Are you sure he's not gay / asexual OP?

11 years with a willing partner throwing herself at him and he's never once jumped on you? THB, if I went 5% of that time without sex I'd happily accept the offer even if I didn't find the woman in question attractive! It's not natural at all and your relationship is a sham.

You say you don't know anything else than him since you've been "together" so long. What's so scary about that? There's a satisfying sex-life waiting for you outside of that relationship, go find it!

EDIT: naughtysmurf hit the nail on the head: go embrace the rest of your life instead of wasting any more of it on such a selfish man!

LegacyUser

OP, if you hate yourself, then stay.i if you want to be happy you have to leave. you already threw away a lot of years. there is no love or relationship without intimacy, its a fact. you need to stop being a victim , there is no doubt you are being treated like a doormat.... get out of there now...you won't regret it.

squonk

My first thought too was that he had to be gay. Seriously, if he was cheating, you'd at least have sex every so often I'd think. 11 years? That's not so much a low sex drive and more a 'you're not his type' situation I think! Definitely coming down on the gay side of things here.

fallen01angel

Starzzz wrote: »

We do not hold hands or any intimacy on any level at all and I mean at all we barely sit in same room. Please help I have also offered to move out and he did not want me to go he does do everything for me anything I want except sex.... Is it selfish to end a log term relationship over sex?

OP,I'm sorry to say but it this relationship is well and truely over.You're not just ending because of the lack of sex,you're ending it because your fiance shows you no imitimacy/affection in ANY way which seems like over the years has completely erroded your self confidence and self worth,this is not a healthy place for you to stay.You said you recently got a settlement-my advice,get out now,don't waste anymore time thinking this might get better....it's not.
Best of luck.