Should I Say Sorry???

Fizzy Duck

Whenever I’m bored or not doing anything in particular, I always think back to things I have done which may not have been the wisest decisions in the world! I guess it’s one of my flaws - that I over analyze decisions I have made, good and bad.

The one thing I always think back to was a night I went to a debs in 2007. I feel I can't move on from the things that happened that night, but I want to.

I finished school in June 2006 and at the end of the school year, there is always the debs. Anyway in my usual fashion I built this up (in my mind) as a definitive social event, so I figured I needed to bring someone. I asked 3 different girls who all said “no”. Since this was my first times asking people out, my confidence was shot. I gave it one more try and so I asked my neighbour (Sarah) who also said “no”. But this time it was different as I felt she had reasons to say no, given that she had previously went out with my cousin for a few weeks. So by then I had decided I’d go on my own and I was happy to do that.

About 2 weeks after I had asked Sarah, we were talking on msn and she asked me if I would be interested in going out with her friend Gemma. I said yes (my favourite word apparently!). So we agreed to talk on msn and send texts at first and that eventually we would meet up and go to the cinema. See when things like this happen on msn, or through texting (talking to girls) I tend to go in at the deep end! But in real life, I can’t even make eye contact with them. XD

But Sarah was cool about it and basically coached me through the first few weeks, so I wouldn’t f*ck it up! So in August everything was looking up, I had accepted my offer of a place at D.I.T to study Business & Accounting and I *possibly* had some to attend my debs with me.

Sarah told me to ask her at least 3 weeks in advance as she would need to get a dress etc. So one night I built up the courage to ask her to my debs. I offered to pay for everything her dress, hair whatever else she needed/wanted. Can anyone guess the response I got? It was “no” again. At this stage I didn’t push it and I went to my debs and a good laugh. The next week I started a new* chapter in my life, when I started uni.

I continued to talk to Gemma on and off for the next few months, but whenever we would arrange to meetup she would always be busy at the last minute. I mean she only lived 10 minutes away from me! In December I got my first full time job and what may seem stalker-esque, she got a job too in the shop across from mine. I thought this would eventually force us to go this date, but it never happened. But she never stopped talking to me and so I got suckered in! I started to feel things for her, which I had only experienced once before. By July 2007 (a whole year after we first started talking to each other), she came online and CRUSHED me! She dropped the bombshell that she had a boyfriend for a few months. I said it was cool, but inside I was devastated. She said we could still meetup and go to the cinema as friends, but I said I was busy with work. I wasn’t though I was just heartbroken (again).

Then like déjà vu, while I was on holidays, Gemma text me and asked if I wanted to go to a debs with her friend and that she would be going. Having not learned my lesson I said yes. The debs was less than 2 weeks away and I had never even talked to this girl (Sharon). We talked on msn for a few weeks and text each other occasionally. We met up the night before the debs. At this stage I was having major doubts, but I couldn’t see any way out of it. We got along fine and I felt it was gong to be ok. She assured me that it wasn’t a big deal and that I would get along with everyone. I explained to her that I was very shy and that it might take a while for me to come out of my shell and talk to everyone. She said that was ok and that she understood.

We made arrangements that we would meet at Gemma house and go from there. I was told that we were getting a minibus to the hotel/nightclub. The minibus was basically a ford transit with bench seats in the back and a big space in the middle of the floor. The next day I had to go get another suit (€160) and I also got a corsage and a box of chocolates for her as I was told not to show up empty handed.

Now from about 5.30pm the next 12 hours became what I can easily describe as the most traumatic period of my life. I’ve been hit by a car and it was a walk in the park compared to this. XD

I was just about to walk out the door when I got a text from Sharon which said she wouldn’t be able to make it to Gemma’s house and that she would meet me later when it picked up one of the other girls at their house. So now nervously I got my mum to drop me to Gemma’s house. As we got their I saw the minibus and my mum pulled up across the road from it. She wished me luck and then she pulled away. I walked over to the mini bus and I had timed it perfectly. I got in as Gemma and her boyfriend were getting in. I felt embarrassed though as I was being stared at by all her family and friends who were in her garden. They were wondering who the extra guy was.

Eventually we pulled away and I talked to Gemma and her boyfriend for a few minutes. I told them I was nervous, but they assured me I would get along with everyone. So this eased my nerves slightly. I asked her how many people we would be picking up and she told me 4 other couples and Sharon. At this point my nerves spiked. I had braced myself for meeting 3 or 4 new people, not 9 or 10! When we got to the first pick up point, this girls family wanted photo’s, but since I didn’t know anyone I stayed in the minibus. The door open I could see the 27’s (bus route) pass by and I thought i could do a runner. XD But what type of man would that make me, I thought. Eventually we pulled away, now with 5 passengers. As the other 4 were quite clicky, I felt like a spare wheel. The next 3 pick ups were quite close and it was at the 1st house were Sharon got on too. I got the corsage from beside my seat (I left the chocolates in my mums car) and I went to give it to her. But she was too busy, so I put it back on the minibus with the intention of giving it to her later. At this stage I got out for a few photo’s, but I still felt left out as everyone else knew each other so well.

With everyone aboard we began our journey to Kells (about an hour from Dublin), but to my surprise we stopped around the corner at an off-license, everyone went in so I followed as I wanted to take part. Then some of them asked me to buy drink for them. So I thought, maybe this is why I am really here (being 18!). So I did it. At this stage I didn’t drink myself, I didn’t drink until I was 20. I guess I did it, as everyone would think i was cool and I just wanted to fit in. Didn’t work! So we continued on our journey stopping again after about 30 minutes, somewhere on the N3 for a toilet break at a pub. By this stage I was beginning to feel stupid. As everyone was talking to each other and I was just there! I had even been called Dan a few times. XD I stayed in the minibus, I hadn’t drank anything, so I didn’t need to use the toilet. Again I seriously debated giving it legs, but I reassured myself it would get better. The rest of the journey was more of the same. When Sharon she began drinking, which again didn’t do my confidence any good. The night before she told me she didn’t drink. So now I was thinking I had driven her to this.

We got there at about 9pm, then we were supposed to have a meal, while there was an excellent cover band playing, then it would be off to the nightclub. Until about 4am, then we would get the bus home. After the meal, everyone was going up to the dancefloor. So when she asked me to go up to dance with her, I did. But when we got to the dancefloor she danced with her mates and I was left standing there. Sometime during the night whilst I was going to use the toilet I over heard two of the guys talking about me. They were asking “what’s wrong with quite fella” to which the other said “I think he’s a bit slow”. They didn’t see me, but when they did, they asked me how I was and I talked them for a minute or two. I doubt I convinced them I wasn’t slow.

Anytime throughout the night that I offered to buy Sharon or anyone else a drink, I was politely turned down. I was beginning to feel completely ignored. When we went to the nightclub a lot of them disappeared and for a long while I couldn’t actually find Sharon. About an hour before we left, one of her friends found me and went hardcore on me for ruining her night.

I can’t remember her exact words but I can remember the most cutting words. “…ignorant ugly bastard, who didn’t deserve to know anyone as lovely as her…”. I explained that I was being nice and that I found it hard in the beginning. I asked her, where Sharon was? She wouldn’t tell me. I didn’t see her again until we got on the bus to leave and she sat beside me. She asked me if I had a good time? I nodded and said yeah and asked her the same questions and she said she enjoyed it. We were eventually dropped at the Beaumont House, where I said my goodbyes and then I walked home and gathered my thoughts.

It feels like such a relief to have written this because, I feel by getting it out in the open I can begin the healing process. But it is only a small step in the right direction. Before I make any big decisions I always fade back to this time and then I wonder if I am making the right decisions. Since then I feel I have come on leaps and bounds as a person. I have found it easier to relax around people and it all comes back to this.

There is just one thing though. I feel guilty for ruining her night and I think I should apologise to her for the way I was that night. So should I? or did I do nothing wrong? And will it help me to forget about this time in my life?

Chris Hansen

I dont think you should feel guilty mate, i mean, she took you into that situation, im quite angry you didnt do a runner instead of getting conned by them to buy them drink , but feck it its all in the past. Moral of the story, stay away from those clowns again

gargleblaster

Maybe I've missed something but I can't see where you've done anything to apologize for. You bought them booze, you danced when she asked or tried before she disappeared, you weren't disappearing on her from the sounds of it. Maybe that girl who went off on you was drunk? If anything it seems like a few of them might owe you an apology!

DazMarz

The way I'm reading this is:

-2006, you finish school

-2007, your own debs

-intervening time-

-2008 (at the very latest), the incidents that have caused your trouble.

You're asking for advice on something that happened in 2008 (or if we can really stretch it, 2009) and have probably mostly been buried by the people concerned.

Also, you didn't do anything wrong at all. It hurt you, but you've nothing to apologise about at all.

Do not sweat it, but I don't mean to sound harsh here, but it all happened years ago and I doubt anyone involved remembers or cares much.

Let it go, and don't be fretting.

Chris Hansen

This is why I only go places with my best mates, people I know not to be (excuse the french) asreholes, and can trust

Kevin Duffy

If you're going to say sorry, it should only be in the context "Sorry I bothered going to your Debs and making an effort that you hadn't the manners to appreciate".

Wolfe Tone

Shower of bitches!

You have nothing to apologize for.

thefeatheredcat

Fizzy Duck wrote: »

I feel guilty for ruining her night and I think I should apologise to her for the way I was that night. So should I? or did I do nothing wrong? And will it help me to forget about this time in my life?

You didn't do anything wrong, and you didn't ruin anyone's night. You have absolutely nothing to apologise for.

If you makes you feel any better, some years ago I had a team night out with a team I worked with, some of which were very cliquey. I showed up on time, expecting a few others, was left waiting for half an hour when the clique showed up, and a couple of others I got on well with followed, but the clique ignored me totally from the start of the night. And it got worse as the night went on, they sat in a huddle together barely acknowledged me the rest of the night no matter how hard I tried to get involved and into the spirit of the night (wasn't out drinking was an activity). I felt totally invisible and an idiot for even going in the first place, as they completely blanked and ignored me no matter what, and made it worse by engaging others in conversation by ignoring me. The same happened another night previously when we had a meal together when someone was leaving. My thoughts: I did my best, they were beyond rude and I realised quick enough not to bother with them in future.

In your case, you have nothing to apologise for, you did nothing wrong, chances are its forgotten about as they sound like very self-absorbed/self centred people who don't go out of their way to include someone or make someone feel welcome or comfortable that isn't part of their circle or interested in expanding their own minds in getting to know other people. I wouldn't waste any more time worrying about it because to be very honest, they're not worth the energy worrying over.

minidazzler

OP, you were given the runaround as a set piece so a girl wasn't "alone" though they didn't give a **** if you were. In reality they should apologise to you for putting you in such an uncomfortable position. But it was a long time ago, so don't dwell on it, think future wise and such.

kjl

Man, that sounds like the worst night in history, but from how you described it you did not do anything wrong except try to be a nice person. That girl Sharron should have made much more of an effort with you and the whole group should have been more open to talking to you.

I think that the very fact that you even wonder if you need to say sorry makes me think that you have very low self-esteem and I think that is the issue you should try to work on. You sound like a nice guy to me and maybe you should bring MSN Fizzy Duck out with you when you are on a night out. I am going to give you one of the biggest secrets about confidence, nobody cares what you do, they are all to preoccupied with what they are doing and how they are being perceived.

I have given this advice to a lot of people but maybe you should join a club like toastmasters or maybe one of the debating teams in college and learn how to become confident with your opinion. This will lead to a serious growth in self confidence.

I wish you the best of luck with everything but seriously, the only person you need to apologize to is yourself for letting yourself get down with these kind of thoughts.

Fizzy Duck

Thank you for your replies!


It was my thinking that if I apologised I could put this all behind me. I mean I knew I didn;t really do anything wrong, except agree to go with them. But it's just horrible that I can never forget that time in my life. I haven't talked to any of them since then, but even when I pass them on the street, I just want a hole in the ground to open and swallow me up. I shouldn't have that feeling since I didnt do anything wrong, but it just won't go away.


I guess I should just try my best to foget about it and look to the future, rather than letting it affect my future.

JonathanAnon

Jesus man, FORGET IT.. They sounded like they were using you.. The only mistake you made was indulging them..

Little Acorn

I feel so frikkin angry on your behalf at how appalling these people treated you that night!:mad:

First off, you did NOT ruin her night:

She asked me if I had a good time? I nodded and said yeah and asked her the same questions and she said she enjoyed it. We were eventually dropped at the Beaumont House, where I said my goodbyes and then I walked home and gathered my thoughts.

Trust me , she doesn't sound like the type of person who would just say that to be nice. She more than likely really did enjoy herself, off drinking, chatting and dancing with her friends for the night.
I don't see any reason she could have been upset with you, apart from maybe she expected you to make a move and mistook your shyness for lack of interest? Her behavior really doesn't suggest this was the case though.
She lied to you about not being a drinker and got you to buy her drink, she ignored you the whole way there, and again in the nightclub.
Maybe she was shy aswell, but I very much doubt it. She just displayed an incredible lack of common decency and manners that night.

The people who owe YOU an apology are those 2 guys who were calling you names, and that absolute thundering bitch who verbally attacked you!
I mean who the fcuk do they think they are to treat people like that?!

They sound like extremely socially rude people who I'd be embarrassed to be seen with, or introduce anybody to.

You did absolutely nothing wrong, and have nothing to apologise for.
I am glad to hear that you have started to find it easier to relax around new people, and I hope that you are also now better at recognizing users.

You sound like a great guy, so don't let these little fcukwits affect your progress. Good Luck!:)

thefeatheredcat

Fizzy Duck wrote: »

but even when I pass them on the street, I just want a hole in the ground to open and swallow me up. I shouldn't have that feeling since I didnt do anything wrong, but it just won't go away.

It sounds more like a way to find some closure on the subject for you, than a need to apologise. Apologising isn't going to give you that, because there is nothing to apologise, and no doubt they haven't given a second thought about that night since.

The best closure you can give yourself is accepting that it happened, realise they are/were arseholes not worth bothering about and know that you won't allow that to happen to you again. Live and learn, I suppose really. There's no need to let it worry you anymore. The plus side is most likely, you wouldn't make someone else feel like that after what you experienced, so that is something you can find some closure with in the experience. That, and next time you see one of them, look them straight in the eye and smile. Guaranteed you won't be hoping for a hole to open up and swallow you in time, because it won't bother you after that

DEFTLEFTHAND

Hey mate sorry to hear your story, that sounded like an awful night you had to endure. Like others have said though I wouldn't dwell on it anymore theres no point letting horrid people like that affect you 4 years on.

K_P

Fizzy Duck wrote: »

It was my thinking that if I apologised I could put this all behind me. I mean I knew I didn;t really do anything wrong, except agree to go with them. But it's just horrible that I can never forget that time in my life. I haven't talked to any of them since then, but even when I pass them on the street, I just want a hole in the ground to open and swallow me up. I shouldn't have that feeling since I didnt do anything wrong, but it just won't go away.

I'll start by agreeing with everyone else and saying you've NOTHING to apologise for. If there's any apologising to be done it should be them.

What you said above sounds quite familiar, as I'm prone to over-thinking and dwelling on things I'd rather forget. But if you're looking to put this behind you, the worst thing you could do is apologise IMO. They've likely forgotten all about the night. You haven't spoken to them since. So you'd have to find a way to actually speak to them, bring up all the awkwardness of the night itself, explain how you feel about it and essentially re-live everything you felt that night. They weren't exactly nice, kind, understanding, inclusive people on the night and there's no reason to believe they'll be any better were you to do this.

If you were to apologise, you'd end up with two reasons for wanting the ground to swallow you up when you see them - the night itself and the apology to people who hadn't a clue what you were on about.

You can't wipe your memory clean, you'll never totally forget what happened. But, and I'm not trying to be mean here, people have been through and deal with much much worse things happening to them than an awkward night with some inconsiderate idiots. Maybe next time you find it popping into your head, distract yourself. Dwelling on it will do nothing for you.

Bipolar Joe

Strumming my pain with yr fingers, broheim. I've been out a couple of times with people I barely knew and it's the most uncomfortable **** ever, I still cringe at the thoughts.

To increase the echo you got zip to feel bad about. You weren't so much a date as an accessory, and the chick who went berserker on you was probably the one in the group who puts herself in the "Caretaker" position, you know the type. They're probably not a shower of *****, just unthinking young people who had their group. C'est la vie, so on.

Edit: Also, I wanna say, this was one entertaining post, despite it being a wall of text. I actually read the whole thing.

MangoLime

As far as I can see, you don't have anything to apologise for. It seems like you made every effort to be nice, and they just ignored you. I've been in many situations like this before-when I've been surrounded by people and yet felt more alone than if I was by myself.........I think it's just a part of life that most people have to go through unfortunately.

My advice would be just to forget about it and move on. It happened, there's nothing you can do to change it. So just put it out of your mind and enjoy life:D

Good luck!

theg81der

People! how were they using him and being horrible? They refused his offer to buy them drinks so clearly they weren`t that much of users. And that other girl sounds like she was drunk and talking bs because Sharon obviously thought something romantic was goiing to happen with you two. The guys could have said worse and I`m sure they tried to get you talking first to no avail and then gave up.

Your all blowing this way out of proportion. You didn`t feel comfortable and were generally quiet and nervous so you were hardly psying yourself up for a great night anyway, were you?!

You seem extremely self consious and you obviously need to look at that since its still ruling your life from what your saying. Look, do you seriously think your response and concerns are propotionate? You`ve had a very sheltered like if you can attach the world "worst" to that story.

Get over yourself OP and I mean this in the kindest way possible, you need to realise that the world does not revolve around you.