Am I being ridiculous

limerickhurl

I have been going out with my girlfriend for one year, and it's been great. Her ex boyfriend just visited Ireland for a mini holiday after living abroad for the last 2 and a half years. They were going out for 4 years, and have remained friends.

However, I find myself getting extremely jealous/suspect of the amount of contact they have had since he returned. They met for lunch one day, which my girlfiend duly informed me of the day prior to their meeting. I very much appreciated her telling me this, and I had no problem with them meeting up. But then there have been texts and phone calls, and, while I try to keep quiet and dismiss it, I have verbalised my anxieties about the amount of contact they are having as friends.

It's little things like he was asking for her to go meet his folks which I find really inappropriate, and wanting to go call over to her home house and meet up with the family again. Am I being ridiculous here?

She pleads with me to relax, and that there is nothing to it, etc. But it's not a new thing...I had to ask her at Christmas time to take down 4 or 5 photos of the two of them on her bedroom wall after we had been going out for 5 months!

We had a fight the other night over this, and I told her I simply didn't want her to be telling me one thing, then doing another (as in she claims it's always him instigating the texts, and that I just have to trust her)

Anyone have an opinion on this?

January

I've split this into it's own thread in Relationship Issues as it has nothing to do with the thread in Parenting...

I am a friend

limerickhurl wrote: »

I have verbalised my anxieties about the amount of contact they are having as friends.

How many times have they met up?

limerickhurl wrote: »

It's little things like he was asking for her to go meet his folks which I find really inappropriate, and wanting to go call over to her home house and meet up with the family again. Am I being ridiculous here?

You are yeah. They were in each others lives for a long time. I am still in touch with my ex's Mother and there will be nothing ever betwee us. I am very fond of her and would, if I were in the city she lives in, call to see her without fail..

limerickhurl wrote: »

had to ask her at Christmas time to take down 4 or 5 photos of the two of them on her bedroom wall after we had been going out for 5 months!

Now this is weird. Why did she say she had them up? Were other people in them?

limerickhurl wrote: »

I simply didn't want her to be telling me one thing, then doing another (as in she claims it's always him instigating the texts, and that I just have to trust her)

So he ALWAYS instigates it? Really?

Miss Fluff

Why did they split up OP? Was it merely circumstantial in that it was only because he was moving abroad?

If so, then I think you have a legitimate enough reason to be concerned, yes.

Kevin Duffy

I don't think you're being ridiculous. Personally, I wouldn't be best pleased with this.

The mutual family meet-ups; if they were all friends, those friendships could have survived the breakup, independent of it. If those friendships lapsed after their breakup, why ressurect them now? It's not clear from your post if they actually did meet, but it at least sounds like he's trying to keep her close.

The texting; regardless of who starts it, the other doesn't have to respond. You can be civil without making much of a conversation out of it.

The photos; why have them up unless you're trying to keep some memories or feelings alive? Once you're with someone else, they should be put away.

If this was an amicable breakup due to circumstances, I'd guess at least one of them is regretting it and has some unfinished business.

funky15_2

op in my opinion you are not overeacting at all... look your going to obviously have the usual clucking hens who post on here saying your jealous, insecure etc...take no heed...they live in a bubble..

you have to ask yourself what are his motives? because from experience theres always an alterior motive when people stay "friends" and this seems the case with him...

in my mind its totally inappropiate to be goin to meet an exe's family, complete bull****... and what respect for you is she demonstrating? at the end of the day your her boyfriend and your emotions should be first every time.. so stay firm and ask yourself is this someone you really want to be with?

I am a friend

funky15_2 wrote: »

theres always an alterior motive when people stay "friends" and this seems the case with him...

Rubbish - in immature relationships maybe but in the world of grown ups, a healthy break up doesnt mean you need to shut an ex out of your life.

Pyr0

Nothing wrong with having photos on her wall at all. They're her fond memories, even if it was with someone else. Different story of course, if they were kissing in the photos or something. It's unreasonable to ask her to take these down.

funky15_2

Rubbish - in immature relationships maybe but in the world of grown ups, a healthy break up doesnt mean you need to shut an ex out of your life.

you might live in a fluffy fantasy world of roses but the reality is the vast majority of relationships end because one person wants it to, and subsequently theres usually one party who will will treat the breakup differently..

so when you actually live a bit in the real world come back and contribute with something of a bit more value..

I am a friend

funky15_2 wrote: »

you might live in a fluffy fantasy world of roses

so when you actually live a bit in the real world come back and contribute with something of a bit more value..

LOL hilarious

I have the experience I speak about. Some I stay in contact with and few I dont. The reason I dont is that they treated me badly but in the other cases, where we fell out of love we (not immediately in all cases) ended up in a platonic friendship. Maybe talking once a year or less but there is no need to exile ex's just cos people think you should.. Grown adults should be able to take rejection on the chin and as long as they are a decent person, move on from it.

Why go out with someone, in the first place, that you would not want as a friend?

Canluum

It's a good idea to try to figure out why you are so jealous and suspicious. At the moment it sounds like a viscous circle... you act jealous when she brings him up so she attempts to hide certain details to stem your reaction, which makes you suspicious.

So why are you jealous? What are you afraid of? Do you fear you may be replaced? Do you feel a lack of self-worthiness, except what's reflected through her, and this diminishes that somehow?

Personally I would have no problem with your situation, once it was discussed completely openly, and mutually agreed upon compromises were reached. If I found out she was deliberately hiding information however, that would be a breach of trust and would result in my having a problem.

Jealousy without rationale, and its resulting prohibitions, are not acceptable burdens to put on an honest and open partner who has nothing to hide.