What would you do?

notmyself

I posted my story a few weeks ago. It was long and most people told me to forget about him and look after myself and move on.

In a nutshell my boyfriend wanted to call it off and did so in not a great manner. (By email while I was abroad!) Anyway I am home now I was coming back to work anyway.

We met up last week twice and it was the same as it always was. We got on great and the attraction is as good as 2 years ago when we met.

He tells me he loves me. Nobody will replace me. But right now after a few tough years (fathers death, lost his job, then emigrated, mortgage here, very stressed). We are both back and lucky to have jobs. However he feels that he needs time on his own. Time out to find himself and play his sport while he still can (29). I would never stand in the way of that. I understand him and that its part of his life.

I am so heartbroken. What makes it worse is that he now tries to avoid seeing me as when we see each other we both melt. We both love each other and neither of us wants to be with anyone else.

I really believe he is the one.

How can I ever move on when we still love each other so much?
Should I let him go and hope that in time he will come back?

Any advice appreciated. My head is all over the place the last month.

Mc Kenzie

I dont know much about relationships, although i have had many expereinces and dillemas with guys.

Sometimes im afraid i motelet my chance slip by ,by making a choice in my life and then im afraid ill never meet the right person.

but iv realised that, things that dont work out, have probably turnedout that way for a reason. Sometimes you have to let things go. could it be any harder than pining forsomething you may never have.

Let things flow naturally:)

notmyself

Thanks McKenzie.

We had alot of stress and strain and I moved to be with him when I didnt really want to but had to.

Now we are back where we belong and he says it was overkill when we were away (which it totally was!)

I suppose Im wondering how long do you wait for someone? I do believe he is worth waiting for. I adore him. My sister thinks he could come back and go again. It was a massive month for me. My mother is now sick as well. It just feels like nothing will go right for me.

Mc Kenzie

im sorry to hear about your mother, hope she gets well....itmust be so hard for you. and hey dont worry i feel likethat sometimes. My life aint perfect.

Ii just think waiting for someone can so heartbreaking, you dont know if they will come back or not.its awfull. Maybe try and let yourself be free for a while from all this. Think about yourself and your needs for now.

Whats meant to be will be

fghijkl

I really believe he is the one.

I don't doubt that for a second OP, but that doesn't mean he feels the same way about you.

This will probably sound harsh, but from personal experience...

I suppose Im wondering how long do you wait for someone?

You shouldn't have to wait for someone. If they really love you, then they will do everything in their power to stay with you. They will not throw everything away on a whim, they will not need a "break".

Loving someone and being in love with someone are two very different things.

I am a friend

Pet, if he loved you as much as he says he does, he would not let you go....

Avoid him and do your best to move on... He has treated you very badly (email etc) nd doesnt deserve another chance... In any event, if he cant handle his own baggage /issues why would you want to be dragged into it again.

Chinafoot

Have to agree with the above. Sorry OP but a 29 year old that breaks up with someone in order to focus on his sport is clearly not in love with that person. If he was in love with you he would do anything to be with you and he most certainly would not have shown you such utter disrespect by ending your relationship with an email while you were away. To be honest he sounds like a selfish coward.

Is he playing sport professionally? As in, always away at competitions, travelling the world, training everyday? If not (and at 29 I'd be doubtful) his excuse is pretty pathetic. Plenty of people manage to have their sport/hobbies and still maintain their relationships. Christ, professional sports people can manage it!

It sounds like he just doesn't want to be with you anymore. I know that's hard to hear and I'm sure you don't want to believe it but his actions tell the truth here. The only good thing he's doing for you is avoiding you. It really sounds like it would be best if you didn't see each other so you can have space to get your head together and accept that your relationship is over.

Breakups are always hard hun, particularly when you're still in love with him and saw your future together, but you need to move on. He doesn't respect you but you need to start respecting yourself. Don't wait around for him as his back up for when he's finished living the single life that he's clearly after. Let him go and you'll find someone who deserves and respects you.

Take care of yourself OP. Things will get easier.

notmyself

Thanks Guys.
I know I am being totally weak. But believe me I am much improved from the position I was in a few weeks ago.
His latest slant on it is that he just wants a little bit of time out as we did have pretty much the overkill when we were away (i am the same on this matter)

He tells me he loves me and nobody will replace me. He knows what we have is unique. When we see each other we totally melt. We do have a brilliant sport, loads of comment interests etc. The thing is that I have a very independent life myself at home. When we were away I did depend on him alot.

Now all he says he wants is a little breather and take things slowly.

To be honest ye are all right. I am trying too hard. I am totally wearing my heart on my sleeve. But I cant help it. I just believe in honesty and saying how I feel etc.

I truly believe that he is the one. I really do.

I just feel really pathetic now telling him how much I love him, worrying about him and wanting to make it all ok etc.....

Ellen33

notmyself wrote: »

Thanks Guys.
I know I am being totally weak. But believe me I am much improved from the position I was in a few weeks ago.
His latest slant on it is that he just wants a little bit of time out as we did have pretty much the overkill when we were away (i am the same on this matter)

He tells me he loves me and nobody will replace me. He knows what we have is unique. When we see each other we totally melt. We do have a brilliant sport, loads of comment interests etc. The thing is that I have a very independent life myself at home. When we were away I did depend on him alot.

Now all he says he wants is a little breather and take things slowly.

To be honest ye are all right. I am trying too hard. I am totally wearing my heart on my sleeve. But I cant help it. I just believe in honesty and saying how I feel etc.

I truly believe that he is the one. I really do.

I just feel really pathetic now telling him how much I love him, worrying about him and wanting to make it all ok etc.....

What is this overkill that was experienced when you were away? If you really love each other as much as you say then surely neither of you would "need a time out/ a little breather"

To be honest OP really honest I think he wants out, as I said all consuming I adore you love does not lead you to want to spend time having a breather away from your partner.

LegacyUser

Your boyfriend broke up with you by email so he can play sport and he is 29 years old.
Can I say one thing to you stay away from this man.
He knows how you feel about him. He wants to play the field but he expects you to be there when he is finished doing this.
I watched a friend of mine run after a man like yours a few years ago. I told her not to be wasting her time with him but she found this out by the way he treated her.
You need to get back in contact with your friends for support and join some clubs ect to broaden the number of people you know.
I know that your mother is not well at the moment and your job may not be wonderful but things can get better if you have friends around you.

notmyself

Thanks Ellen.

Basically when we were away neither of us wanted to be away. For 16 months we commuted between here and there. Then I moved over took a career break and went. He is such a great fella. Seriously we have so much in common. When we see each other it is the real deal.

When we were away there was times when we rowed about nothing. We were pretty isolated and money was always a stress. Also he has alot of scars from a previous relationship. Where basically he was made choose between her and his sport. I would never do that. I have alot of interests myself. I suppose I feel because we just met and then he lost his job and all that commuting over and back started. He has never really seen me at my independent best at home. When I was away I was a bit dependent on him cos there was nobody else around!!

He says he is not mature enough at present to settle down but he will in time.

To be honest I have never put pressure on settling down. i am not ready for that either.

I have spent the last 2 years effectively trying to keep everything going between flights for 16 months and then moving over and now back again.

Chinafoot

notmyself wrote: »

He says he is not mature enough at present to settle down but he will in time.

So, what? You're going to wait until he's ready? You're going to put your life on hold until this man decides he wants to settle with you? You are being kept as a back-up, plain and simple.

OP, I don't doubt that there is an attraction between you but that doesn't always translate to love. If he loved you he wouldn't be letting you go.

Also, on the "overkill" issue. You were in a place where you knew nobody and it's perfectly natural to lean on your partner more than usual in that situation. If he couldn't handle that, how would he handle something far more serious. What if you got ill? What if you ended up pregnant? This doesn't sound like a man you can depend on without him doing a runner. You've said yourself, you've spent the last 2 years trying to keep everything going. It doesn't seem like he has been making anywhere near as much effort as you have..

OP, you're making all the excuses in the world for this man and you're trying to convince yourself that the love you feel for him is being reciprocated, that he's just confused/needs some space/insert pathetic excuse here. Please don't waste the next few years of your life waiting for this bloke to decide he wants you again.

notmyself

Thanks Chinafoot.
I know I am being pathetic you are right.
I should stop worrying about him and trying to do everything to fix it when the reality he is hes not doing anything. I have been nothing but nice to him. I have not been angry or cross when the reality is I should have given him a piece of my mind and just walked away.

The thing is I suppose I would love to have a proper go here at home. We never had that.
I didnt expect us to come back and then suddenly I get dropped! Maybe I would have stayed away if I had time to think as I had got a good job etc.

All he does now is train and play sport Id say something if he was out all the time and living the single life but hes not.

Im home 4 weeks today and I am so crushed its unreal.

How do I pick myself up?

Chinafoot

Ah hun, you're not pathetic! You're just trying to cling to something that isn't there anymore. It's so hard and nobody expects you to turn your feelings off overnight. You need to give yourself time and space away from him. He's made his decision and you have to accept it.

The best thing you can do is surround yourself with good friends and family and keep yourself busy. Go out with friends, meet some new people. It'll take time but you'll get over the hurt. You just have to let him go.

notmyself

Thank you Chinafoot.

My sister has warned me to cut contact. She reckons let him sweat and if he wants to come back make him prove it. Stop chasing him. Which is obviously the right thing to do but I miss him so much. I would just do anything to give it a go here which I think is what we deserve after all the hardship.

It would be easier if he told me he doesnt love me. But when he sees me he cannot hide that he does!!?!!

My friends obviously just want to see me happy but theres some of them and I dont want to get into all the details with them cos you will just have questions day and night.

Why would someone tell you what we have is unique, they love you, nobody will replace you but right now I need my own space?!!

I am a friend

notmyself wrote: »

Why would someone tell you what we have is unique, they love you, nobody will replace you but right now I need my own space?!!

I would walk away until they offered me a one-on-one, full time relationship, with a future. Wish him good luck with his space and walk away pet. He is playing you here and keeping you on tap. You deserve more.

tan11ie

OP You are so in love with this man that you can't see the truth of the situation. If he was truly in love he wouldn't walk away and put you through that pain. It seems he is just putting off the inevitable.

I know it's of no comfort right now but there are plenty more men out there.I'm sure some day you will find someone who deserves your love.

Take care.

notmyself

Thanks for all the replies. Think I am finally seeing sense. Feels crap though. I have been pining for the last month now!
Just have to pick myself up now. Thoughts of going back out there trying to meet someone is vile though!!

fghijkl

notmyself wrote: »

Thank you Chinafoot.
Why would someone tell you what we have is unique, they love you, nobody will replace you but right now I need my own space?!!

As horrible as it sounds, usually it's because they don't really see a future with you, they want to test the waters, see if they can find someone better but keep you sweet so they can come running back if they can't find anyone else (or use you for easy sex). You're the back up plan basically.

Thoughts of going back out there trying to meet someone is vile though!!

Please don't make the mistake so many women do. Staying in a dead, one sided, crap relationship out of fear of being single.

notmyself

fghijkl
I know im a fool now. But i dont think he is out there looking for someone else. All he does is train and play sport!
he says he just wants to be on his own for a while. when he ready to settle he will be really ready!!! oh its all mumo jumbo really isnt it. im as well off just bolting and telling him where to go.

im 29 and my age never bothered me one bit but now i am starting all over again! i know i should embrace it and maybe i will in time but right now it just seems its a mountain im not sure i can climb again.

notmyself

Thank you all for your strong support. I have texted him said goodbye and told him he will never see or hear from me again. God love sucks.

strandroad

Good for you. It must have been very hard but he has made his priorities clear and honestly it makes no sense to invest your feelings and effort in someone who keeps you so low on his list. Best of luck now!