Another Ex issue

LegacyUser

Ok, I'm going to put it all out here. I am not going to edit my post because I am going off my had and cannot think straight anymore.

Going out with my OH for 1.5 years. All is very good between us, we get on, have a laugh, never fight, enjoy spending time together. He is the most charismatic person I know and it is so attractive. He has changed me for the better in the fact that he has given me unbelievable confidence.

I have had it tough enought growing up and trust is the hardest thing for me. Sometimes I think its like a self fulfilling prophecy. 2 LTR's that I have had previously have ended in my partner cheating. I don't know is it the men I choose or do I just invite it to happen.

So, my OH hasn't had many significant relationships and I would probably go as far as to say I'm the most serious he's had. Recently he friended an ex on FB (is FB the work of the Devil or what?). Suddenly she was constantly on his page - commenting, liking, posting youtube clips. I am very obviously his girlfriend and most pics of him feature me in someway. So I mentioned it to him and he put her on limited profile cos she was starting to annoy him too.

Thought absolutely no more of it until the other night. We were at a 'do', I went to the room to change my shoes and his phone was calling. It was a name I recognised (under a nickname) and when I answered it was a girl. I just said he wasn't available and ahe hung up. My mind started to race and I did the very untrustworthy thing and looked through his phone. There was nothing incriminating except when I accidently acrihived a message and went to take it back out of archive there were 2 pictures of her. Sent in a text message the night before. Now they weren't dirty, just of her face. He also sent one (of his face) to her saying he hadn't got burnt that day. (??)

To say I felt sick. So I immediately asked him who she is. And firstly he said an ex from travelling and then in same breath said it wasn't, it was the girl from FB. (obviously getting there was no point lying).

He said they had been in contact for a little while. Just a few texts and 1 call. That it was just nice to be in contact with someone from year ago and that the relationship almost 20 years ago and I was being OTT about th whole thing.

I asked what the pics were about and he just said he didn't know. She sent him one so he sent her one back.

Why put her under another name? Because he knew I'd go mad (ya think!)
Why save the pics? Don't know why but realises that it was quiet wrong now.
What was the point in the contact? Cos they hadn't spoken in years and it was just nice to catch up.

He can't understand why I have such a problem with it because nothing happened or ever would and it was all completely harmless. He can totally see where I'm coming from but that its not as big as I have made it in my head.

Am I a fool? Where I 100% trusted him up to now I can't get this out of my head. If it was just the texts then fine but pics. Taking it a step too far?????

My past experiences have shown me not to trust and just when I am starting to believe that not every man is a cheater this happens.

He has said to me he loves me so much and that I don't believe it and I don't know how much he cherishes me and that I really need to start believing it. And he's not wrong. I'm always waiting for the kick. No matter how happy I am its like I wouldn'y be surprised if iit happened to me.

I don't issue demands as I think it counter productive. I said I would drop it but that he had to make me his top priority and if I'm not then I shouldn't be his girlfriend.

So thats where I am. Can't stop thinking about it. Can't bring it up again. Need some advice.

Its not that I think he was going to cheat, it really isn't. Its more what is lacking from us that he needed this ego boost?

Sorry, didn't mean for that to be so long!

LegacyUser

To be honest I think your blowing it slightly out of proportion. Its not uncommon for people to get in touch with ex's. She might be being a little over enthusiastic with messaging him on facebook etc, but if its obvious he's in a relationship and he's already blocked her form too much contact because he finds her annoying it doesnt sound like you have anything to worry about.

Her sending a picture of her face is a bit strange but more because it sounds a bit sad rather than threatning. I dont know why he'd send one back, possibly just being polite (?) Maybe he feels sorry for her, from what youve said her actions seem a bit moronic. It doesnt sound inapropriate though.

He's probably flattered by her attention and feels a little twang of guilt over that and thats why he hid the picture. It doesnt sound like anything to me.

LegacyUser

Perhaps the girl on the phone is not the same one as on facebook. It seems odd that people who already know what each other look like would be sending pictures of their faces to each other. Is is possible he might be doing some online dating?

gargleblaster

If I were you I might contact the woman myself, and just make sure everyone is on the same page as to understanding the state of your relationship with him, her relationship with him, etc.

I am a friend

gargleblaster wrote: »

If I were you I might contact the woman myself, and just make sure everyone is on the same page as to understanding the state of your relationship with him, her relationship with him, etc.

Do not contact her - that's ridiculous... I would not embarass myself by doing that. Your gip is with your bf, not her

Sonics2k

I am a friend wrote: »

Do not contact her - that's ridiculous... I would not embarass myself by doing that. Your gip is with your bf, not her

Totally agree with this.

Contacting her could backfire on you with disastrous consequences.

What could be a relatively minor matter, could turn into you being the paranoid and possessive girlfriend, and that wont help your relationship.

You mention he said the relationship is over for nearly 20 years. If I'm honest, then maybe he really is just catching up with an old friend.

I am now friends with ex's from over 10 years ago, and there's no ulterior motives behind the friendship.

If I were you, I'd only really be concerned if it was a more recent ex.

I am a friend

Sonics2k wrote: »

If I were you, I'd only really be concerned if it was a more recent ex.

Hmmmm, don't agree with that in all situations. I am
Now back with my ex and we had a break of 18 years...

LegacyUser

Thanks for replies guys.

No hes deffo not on a dating website. THis man is a complete technophobe. He didn't even know how to change his FB profile pic until I showed him.

And yes it is definitely the girl from FB.

If it was only texts then I wouldn't be bothered by it one bit but why the pics? Its beyond me.

metrovelvet

When I first read this OP I kind of felt you were making this man pay for other men's crimes because it seems a disproportionate reaction.

At the same time, third parties are often able to pick up on things that the parties themselves do not pick up on.

For example, a friend of mine's wife was convinced he was having an affair with a woman he was working with. He was not at the time and he outright denied it and said she was wrong and blah blah blah. Needless to say he soon started having an affair with this woman at work so the third party's antennae were picking up on something that was in the air and eventually going to manifest.

And I dont believe you. I think texts would bother you too.

Wibbs

I am a friend wrote: »

Do not contact her - that's ridiculous... I would not embarass myself by doing that. Your gip is with your bf, not her

+1.

I am a friend wrote: »

Hmmmm, don't agree with that in all situations. I am
Now back with my ex and we had a break of 18 years...

Again +1. There are no hard and fast rules, though if gun to my head I had to pin one down, I'd say exes who haven't seen each other for longer are more likely to kick off again than recent ones where the bad stuff is still in focus.

idle passerby wrote: »

To be honest I think your blowing it slightly out of proportion. Its not uncommon for people to get in touch with ex's. She might be being a little over enthusiastic with messaging him on facebook etc, but if its obvious he's in a relationship and he's already blocked her form too much contact because he finds her annoying it doesnt sound like you have anything to worry about.

Her sending a picture of her face is a bit strange but more because it sounds a bit sad rather than threatning. I dont know why he'd send one back, possibly just being polite (?) Maybe he feels sorry for her, from what youve said her actions seem a bit moronic. It doesnt sound inapropriate though.

He's probably flattered by her attention and feels a little twang of guilt over that and thats why he hid the picture. It doesnt sound like anything to me.

This hits the nail on the head for me. I'd be thinking very similar. If she is up to anything it's for the attention. In any event it doesn't matter what she's up to it's what your partner thinks about it. He's with you, not with her. I'd not be thinking about what is lacking in your relationship either. IMHO it's got nothing to do with it. Simple nostalgia on his part, with a sideorder of friendliness that maybe this old ex of his took up wrong.

LegacyUser

Thanks again all.

Yes, you are probably right I am putting past issues with men on him and up until now I genuinely trusted him which is HUGE for me.

Yes there is probably alot of nostalgia there especially as I think this woman was his first. It just knocked me for six.

I guess all I can do is leave it off and hope I was very wrong on this.