Relationship over after 10 years. What do I do now??

LegacyUser

Just broke up with my partner of 10 years.

She's 27. I'm 28. No kids. Wedding booked for Christmas this year.

She says her heart isn't in it anymore. She loves me but isn't IN love with me. She's happy to be friends but that's all. The first I knew about this was as she packed her stuff to move out.

I love her completely.

I have no idea what to do now.

I've never felt anything like this pain in my life before.


How do I get past this? What do I do to get through the day because I'm really struggling right now! The nights are the worst. I've heard people say this before but I had no idea how bad it is.

I stupidly have texted her asking her why. It's all so sudden. Deep down inside I sense there is someone else.. she denies it but.. there are hints, have been for a while.

Friends are telling me to cut contact with her but I feel that will be the final nail in my coffin. All that's getting me through the day is waiting for her to text or call.

I need advice from someone who's survived a breakup this devastating. I never knew what heartbroken meant before.

seamus

It's a cliche to say, but time heals all wounds.

You can only start to ease the pain when you accept in yourself that the relationship is over and done with. Until then, it will be agony. Trust me. You will spend your days in a weird kind of haze dying for her contact, and half your nights lying awake wondering where she is, what she's doing, who she might be meeting and whether you should text her. You admit this yourself. You can't live your life like that. The end of a relationship is often analogous to a bereavement. You can only move on if you accept it and accept your grieving.

Lean on your friends and family. Get out doing new stuff with other people as much as possible. Your life for the last ten years has no doubt been defined by doing stuff together as a couple, so now it's time to rediscover your individuality, find the things that you enjoy yourself. In short, it's time for a personal rennaisance.

You will also have to impose an indefinite embargo on all communications with her. And you need to tell her this. Every time you receive any form of communication from her, it will rekindle that flicker of hope in your heart, and you will never begin to move on. Cutting all contact temporarily is the only way to do this.

How long is "temporarily"? You'll know yourself when you get there. Don't stick a time limit on it. Don't say, "I won't contact her for 3 months", because that's just putting your feelings on hold for a specific time. Just cut off contact and ask her to do the same, tell her you'll get in contact when you're ready to accept her as just a friend and not your partner. You'll know when this times comes, it could be months, it might be a year or more.

Wibbs

You'll get through it. That's the main thing. You won't feel that way now and very little anyone will say will convince you of that, but get through it you will.

If you want to get through it quicker, stopping contact will do it IMHO. Not at first. At first it'll be a thundering heartache to do it, but in the medium term and in the long term it's a much better bet. You're probably not ready yet as it's too recent and you've too many questions in your head, but try and remove her from your life as much as and as soon as possible.

As for her reasons? Could be any number of things. Try not to dwell too much on them. And you will as you try to figure this all out and grieve. The simple fact is she left. Emotionally horrible to you that it may be. Let her leave.

Most of all you'll get through it. That really is true and you'll look back from a place long enough, but sooner than you think and realise it. Good luck.

LeahK

Hi OP, I know exactly how your feeling! I searched forums, read books and did all sorts to help me understand why this had happened. I came accross this bit of advice from a different forum and it helped me no end. I read it every time I felt low... Hope it helps (sorry about the length of it!!)

" I've been on this site for almost four months now. When I found it, I was sure that absolutely no one in the world had ever, or would ever, experience the pain that I was feeling after my break up. Funny. I found a virtual world full of folks who have gone through and experienced the same things and felt the same feelings that I did. That helped a lot.

So, for all you newbies who ask the questions, "Will the hurting ever stop," or "Will my ex come back," or "Why did he/she do this," this is how it typically goes down.

You two break up--doesn't matter who does it. You immediately panic and begin chasing, begging, pleading, harrassing, phoning, e-mailing, IMing, stalking (okay not all of them, just pick whichever one you did). Most of us will likely do some things during this stage that will make you cringe when you think back on it, say after about 3 months.

You lose weight. You neglect yourself, your house, your job (how many hours do we all log on this site while we are at work?). You drive your friends and family crazy talking about the break up. You cry at the drop of a dime. You can't even comprehend that your life might not again include that "special person." You begin putting them on a pedestal, forgetting all of the nagging things about them that used to drive you crazy. In your mind, they have become omnipotent, all encompasing, all everything.

You convince yourself that you are a loser who just screwed up a relationship with "the best person in the world." You KNOW without a doubt that you will never EVER love like that again. You know no one else will come along who even comes close to being as marvelous as your ex (excuse me while I chuckle to myself here). You wear a sad face for the world to see (you should see my work ID taken 2 days after my breakup, it's just pitiful).

They (the ex's) remain steadfast in their denial to get back together. Many of them leapfrog into new relationships, immediately being exclusive with a new person. For those that do leapfrog, they appear to just "replace" you with a new model. All of the things you two used to do, they now do with someone else. Bowling, cuddling watching television, motorcycle riding, antiquing. Whatever you two did, likely they will just begin doing those things with someone new.

You hear about them and their new life. You are desperate for any crumbs of news about their life. Many of us make things worse here by trying to use manipulation to get them back--yet they stay away from us like we are the plague.

For those of us who do still have contact with our ex's we begin selling ourselves short. Doing stupid things like allowing them access to our bodies and then wanting to strangle them afterward when they remind us that "Sex does not imply hope."

You, in further panic mode, begin frantically searching the internet using phrases such as "break ups," "divorce stopper," whatever. You stumble upon this site, pay your money because your curious and lo and behold, you find all of us folks in various stages of this whole breakup bullsh*t.

You voraciously read the posts. You search for news of those who "got their mates back." You're on the site constantly. You'll read the books and think "Ah I can do this. I can get this person back." You begin your "no contact" and for some of us, this will get a reaction from our ex's. For the rest, no contact is and will continue to be what you'll get and receive.

Time goes by. You'll do some stupid things. You'll call your ex when you shouldn't. You'll call when you've had to much to drink. You'll call even after 50 people on this site tell you not to. You'll show up on their doorstep, hating yourself all the time. Then you'll come back to this site and ask everyone to tell you why you were so stupid as to do whatever it was you did.

Then you'll get serious about no contact. It'll hurt, but you try to stick to it. Here's the turning point for most. For those folks who have contact with their ex's, your no contact will either bring them sniffing curiously around or they'll be somewhere high fiving their friends thanking the God's that you haven't called.

Now's the tough time. Nothing but time works. Everday the ache in your heart grows a little less. It's only nanobits that it dies down by. But everyday it will get slowly better. You'll have setbacks. You'll run into your ex accidently. You'll run into mutual friends who'll tell you something about your ex that'll have you high-tailing it home for a good cry. You'll see your ex with their new "friend." You'll receive a phone call or an e-mail from your ex who "doesn't want to be in a relationship but still wants to be friends (with benefits if you allow).

Here's another important part. You need to truly sit down and truthfully look back at the relationship and understand what you did to help with it's demise. If you miss this part, you go through all the suffering for nothing because Buddy, you'll be back here again. This site is to teach you about you. To teach you how to be a better partner, a better person. Missing that lesson is detrimental to the whole process. It's the REASON that you're going through this. God (or whatever your higher power is) needed you to learn something about YOU. Don't miss out on the lesson.

Then one day you'll smile because you didn't immediately check your answering machine when you came in. And one day you'll decide to clean the muck that has accumulated in your house. And one day you'll go outside and admit to the universe that you surrender what control you thought you had.

And one day you'll decide to date again. And one day you'll go out on your first date and it will likely be a disaster. And then you'll either force yourself to continue dating or you'll decide that you aren't ready to date but you are ready to be out amongst people again. And many of you will have some quick reconcillations with your ex's. Many of us won't. But one day, it won't matter as much. Because time will allow you to catch yourself going minutes and then hours without thinking of the ex. And you'll begin to be able to think of life possibly without that person and not dissolve into a puddle of nothingness because of the thought.

And for most of us, sadly, life will go on without that mate. That's the truth, amigos. Don't want to dash your hopes but probably less than 3% of the people on this site get back with their mates. Sobering isn't it? But, as the site instructs, you must accept this before you can truly begin to heal or draw your ex back to you. For the lucky (maybe unlucky one's depending on how much work it will take to keep a mate that has wandered back) who get back with their ex's, many will find that the paradise they envisioned isn't reality and what they once thought was gold has a certain tarnish to it now. But they stay and try and make it work because it's comfortable or, if they are really lucky, it's meant to be.

But for most of us. Life goes on. And one day you'll find yourself having a gut busting laugh over something totally stupid and you'll think to yourself "I am getting better." And finally (thank God) you'll have sex with some new and find that a) if it wasn't good, at least you did it or b) it was so much better than with your ex you wonder why you waited so long to get back out there. And you'll know you're one the road to recovery.

I guess what I'm trying to convey here is, while each situation is unique, the characteristics of most of our situations are the same. Most of us will go through at least something that I've written here. So, when someone tells you on this site that time will help you get through it, believe them. When they tell you that "trust me, it will get better and you will stop hurting eventually," believe them. And when they give you good advice that your head understands but your heart rejects, take a moment to think before you react.

Don't beat yourself up if you do something that you wished you hadn't (calling, contacting, etc) WE ALL DID AT ONE TIME OR ANOTHER. Be kind to yourself. Be forgiving of yourself. And most of all remember that being happily single is an alternative. Even if society is beating it into your head that you MUST have a mate, take some time to heal before going back out there. There are plenty of good people to love, but don't go back out there broken, jaded about love, etc. Accept realty. Experience the pain. Learn the lesson. Actively try to heal. Remember the person you were when you first met your ex and get that person back.

And the universe will take care of the rest."

LegacyUser

Thanks so much for such thoughtful meaningful replies. I'm going to reread them tonight when i wake in the early hours stressed out about this!

What do others think about remaining in contact with my now-ex? I hate the thought of never talking to her again but others advise me to break contact and save myself the pain of seeing her with whoever she has probably left me for... I have no idea how I'll handle that if and when it comes, but the only thing getting me through now is the occasional text and she does seem to care about how I'm doing, but obviously not enough to stay with me and work on our relationship.

I begged her to try counselling with me, or alone, I went by myself when there were issues before.... but she just wasn't interested in fixing things.

I see all of the threads here where there are exes who can't let go due to remaining in contact with their ex... is there any hope for me??

I am a friend

gurgjk wrote: »

What do others think about remaining in contact with my now-ex?

I am still friends with some ex's - those that didnt break my heart. I dont speak to those that did, as its just too difficult to move on from then when that happens...

I think most people have been through this heartbreak and you will get good advice on here.. You will get through it but you need to figure why it didnt work. I know you said at the start it was sudden but then you mention counselling before so maybe the signs were there. It wont cure this break up but may prevent it happening in the future again.

Most of all, mind yourself... Most of us have been there and live to tell the tale... You will too.

Moomoo1

LeahK wrote: »

And for most of us, sadly, life will go on without that mate. That's the truth, amigos. Don't want to dash your hopes but probably less than 3% of the people on this site get back with their mates. Sobering isn't it?

from what I've seen on this board, the 3% figure does sound right

Moomoo1

*hugs*

this sucks. This really does. I think the thing to keep in mind is that you've been treated very badly - she must have known things were going wrong for a while and never said anything until the day she was moving out. Also, I am getting the feeling that you didn't really get the closure either, all you got was the standard line of 'love but not in love'. So you have to think whether you'd even want to get back with that person. That's thing number one.

Thing number two is, no contact is mandatory - both for your sake and to not make it easy for her. She wants you as a friend - don't let her have that luxury, snatch that 0.1% of power back. So once you are done asking why, stop contacting her.

Virgil°

gurgjk wrote: »

Thanks so much for such thoughtful meaningful replies. I'm going to reread them tonight when i wake in the early hours stressed out about this!

What do others think about remaining in contact with my now-ex? I hate the thought of never talking to her again but others advise me to break contact and save myself the pain of seeing her with whoever she has probably left me for... I have no idea how I'll handle that if and when it comes, but the only thing getting me through now is the occasional text and she does seem to care about how I'm doing, but obviously not enough to stay with me and work on our relationship.

I begged her to try counselling with me, or alone, I went by myself when there were issues before.... but she just wasn't interested in fixing things.

I see all of the threads here where there are exes who can't let go due to remaining in contact with their ex... is there any hope for me??

Honestly it doesn't sound like she cheated on you mate or even had someone else lined up. Funnily enough i found the bad breakups much easier to get over. Think back. You said you had you sensed something wrong about her behaviour for a while yes? Let me guess. Getting any affection out of her was like drawing blood from a stone , she'd cancel seeing you at the drop of a hat, she didn't seem to be overjoyed to see you any more, your sex life became non-existant and many other niggling little signs.

It could have been all or some of the above but id bet it was at least one of them. Most likely this was when she realised she didn't romantically love you any more. These things can happen for no reason so don't ask her for one, she probably doesn't know herself. Added to this most of the time this kind of breakup cannot be repaired so I wouldn't hold out hope.
Don't contact her. Definitely not. That small sense of relief you feel when she contacts you is treacherous. It feels good for a little while but it throws you back to square one. You'll remain permanently in this awful state if you stay in touch.

With regards to her contacting you. While it may seem that she's doing this to check in and make sure you're ok because "she still cares" I'd wager its more to do with making herself feel less guilty.
Just take the time to do stuff you didn't have time before and keep your mates around till they're sick of hearing you go on about her , that's what they're there for.
You're 28 man, buckets of time ahead to enjoy yourself. Just stay strong and it'll get better.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the advice guys.

What I mean by signs of there being someone else was that she added an ex from many years ago on facebook, a guy she only went out with briefly in school as we were the only serious relationship either of us had. But she's had more interest in facebook chatting to this guy than spending time with me. I like to cook for her, romantic meals, and she pulled out the laptop and facebook chatted to this guy during every meal we had in the past few months. No interest in chatting to me.

If I politely asked her to stop while we ate as I'd like to chat with her in person, she took her phone out and started texting. I noticed the same guy's name on her messages. I didn't check her phone, just saw the name while it was in her hand next to me, but I have a feeling the content of the messages wasn't going to be good with the way she started hiding her phone for no reason since starting contact with him. While everyone here advises not checking, to be honest I regret being so trusting. If I'd checked the messages I might have got my answer months ago but I managed to believe her when she told me it was just innocent and friendship. I was even happy for her to have a new friend, she convinced me that much. I've only found out recently that this guy still lives in the same town as us.

We live in a very small town and I went out to get shopping yesterday evening, the only outing I could bring myself to make, and I saw her come out of another shop with this guy. That has left me lying awake all night heartbroken. I had to drag myself out of bed to do the shopping yet there she is out and about with the guy who I feel has caused all of this, in our small town where everyone knows your business, she obviously has no embarrassment and yet people still think they're going to OUR wedding soon.

From what my brother told me last night half the town seems to know she's been more than just facebook friends with this "ex" for quite a while but I was working away and had no idea.

Wibbs

gurgjk wrote: »

I like to cook for her, romantic meals, and she pulled out the laptop and facebook chatted to this guy during every meal we had in the past few months. No interest in chatting to me.

What? Jesus man, that's harsh. Shoot me down in flames, but if any partner of mine pulled that stunt she'd be given very brief instructions on how to find the door. No ifs buts or maybes. She was seriously disrespecting you. It would be cause for a stern discussion on my part if she brought a laptop to the dinner table to chinwag with her mates, but some other bloke, an ex? Jesus. Please, please learn from this. No one, no man nor woman, should take the piss out of you like that. Nor should you allow it. You know it was out of order. So why did you enable her to do it?

IMHO the "I was even happy for her to have a new friend, she convinced me that much" was you trying to avoid the emotional pain of the obvious. You were afraid to lose her, though you knew you were and likely figured "if I remain passive it'll blow over, after all she loves me etc". I get that G. Been there, though not nearly to that degree. What I've learned? If you're afraid to lose someone, in a sense you already have, or will do at the first sniff of doubt on their part. Indeed I would say that increases the chance of doubt. You're basically transmitting to the other person "you're too good for me. I'll take or do anything to keep you, because I'll never get anyone better". That equals turning the romantic switch to off. Goes for both genders but IME more for women.

Regardless this should give you some insight as to how her mind works. It's all about her. How she feels. Not how you feel. It shows a lack of insight beyond the self centred. It also shows emotional cowardice. When she said she loves you but wasn't in love with you anymore? I believe the second part, but I don't believe the first. Oh in her head she likely believes it, but that's not how you treat someone you like, never mind love. If she can't spot this, then it's game over for a happy life with someone. This is why she has no embarrassment going on. Embarrassment is when you are thinking of how others may view you. She doesn't feel this because in her universe she did nothing wrong and she doesn't factor in anyone but herself, except when it suits. This trait tends to run real deep. I'd be pretty sure this breakup wasn't the first example of this in your relationship, and mark my words this other yahoo will get to witness it down the line. Or worse the poor bastard will end up marrying her. Trust me, though you won't believe it now, out of the two of you he'll get the worse end of the deal.

You've not just dodged a bullet G, you've dodged a howitzer round.

So what now? Right, this while desperately hurtful to you now actually makes things easier. With time and distance you'll see what others reading this will see. If she wasn't a self centered emotional coward it would be much harder on you. If you see her on the street with the new guy, just remind yourself how lucky you are and what you've gained, not what you've lost. You've lost nothing, but what you thought she was, not what it seems she is or has become.

Secondly, be careful of falling into bitterness about women in general. It's all too easy to do this. There are enough examples of right wagons out there to seemingly back up this mindset. Thing is there are enough examples of really great women that are nothing like this. Concentrate on the latter.

Thirdly, learn to value yourself. The next time someone takes the piss, remember how enabling that and ignoring that and what it leads too.

Last of all know, truly know you'll grow from this and end up in a far better place in your own head and when you do a far better woman and women in general will see this in you.

Podgers

im in the same boat as you gurgjk, it aint easy.

i met a girl when i was 17, now im 26. she always wanted to settle down have kids and get married, i shared similar views to her and i liked the comfort of known were my life was heading. she wanted to have kids young even talked about it when were not long together, i found it too soon as i wanted to get to know her better and to be more secure by having a family home & a good job etc.

she was unhappy all the time didnt get on with her step father, so i started building the house, i first built an appartment onto a garage while the house was been done. i worked hard to please her, got engaged (was ment to get married next year) house almost completed (ready to move into it next month) took her away for weekends, spoilt her.

the thing is i was doing everything to make her happy (at least i thought i was). I am in a job i cant stand but i seen the bigger picture, the house, wedding etc and i was happy by making her happy, things would get her down, small things. she had no friends when i met her, and i had alot, and it made things difficult when i would be out, i would feel sorry for her try and get her out more and meet people. i ended up loosing alot of friends because i became comfortable in our ways and being around her. I felt she depended on me when we started going out, i was all she had.

like that she met this guy who came up chatting to her, he didnt acknowledge me and i thought he was just chatting her up so i left them at it. then they excanged phone numbers and became best buddies. any evening i went to so something they would meet up at ours or his house. the problem was how it was so intense, he would txt her every morning every evening, we would sit down to watch a movie and simiar to you she would be on facebook to him or texting him. i couldnt handle it, i told her i was uncomfortable with it all she said i was blowing it out of proportion etc. so it continued.

a good few years a go i was friends with a girl, and just friends nothing more, i wouldnt be texting her much and we only did things together as a group with other friends. my girlfriend was unhappy about it and gave me the ultimatum, i respected and understood how my girlfriend felt so i broke contact with her, no questions my relationship was first. i decided whats good for the goose is good for the gander i did the same to her, after staying she wanted our relationship it was more to her, a few hours past i went to work and she asked him to call over.

so thats my story, like you im in bits, alot of questions to be answered etc. i came really attached to her, living together for 4 out of the nine years made things difficult. i go home theres no one there, no intimacy and my life feels empty.

the one thing is im lucky with the friends and family i have, they are doing everything they can to help me get over it and move on, its not easy.

people that dont know whats happening ask me about the wedding and how excited they are for us. like eternal sunshine of the spotless mind i try to erase all the memories and things that remind me of the good times and move on from them. i know i still have to contact her in some way with the house being in both our names and things like that.

i was never aware of how people feel being single, unloved and relationship issues people have and how common it is, were not alone everyone has to face these things, not many people find their true love at a young age, your never the same person you were in your teens, we all change over time in someways. i was looking at some of the online dating websites i couldnt believe for my age how long i was with this girl, most people were between 2 and 4 years as their longest relationship!!

if you look you will see many people in the 40s 50s that got married or settled down young, had kids and now divorced, alot worse than the likes of us, could you imagine if this happend after your wedding? we are still young theres plenty of possibilities out there.

A book i would recommend is "no more mr nice guy" by Dr. Robert Glover. it doesnt mean how to me cruel and not to give a crap but more so how to be resepected, and look after yourself and your needs. yes all relationships need compromise but shouldnt be hard work. if she loved you she would respect your feelings, but similar to me the interest wasnt there on her behalf. at least you can say you tried.

i have the fear of getting close to some and too attached and ending up like this again, the fear that i wont enjoy things i did with my ex, the fear of not experiencing love again...but i have the fear that i get back with her nothing will change or improve, the fear of this happening again, and the fear of looking back at this and saying "why the hell did i get out when i had the chance and enjoy myself" what is worse? things will improve and hopefully meet someone 100 times better, even it it takes a few years it will be worth it. the main thing is to find out what make you happy, other than this person, go and experience things you never done before, things you thought about but never did.

i noticed while with the girl for 9 years more girls came on to me compared to when i was single, why? i had no interest in them but when i was single i tried too hard. sometimes the more interest you show and the more you do for them the less the challange for them. so dont try too hard or get upset if things dont work out on the dating scene, i know im saying that now and i will but hey we have to be positive

move on, you deserve better. talk to family let it all out, all the post on the thread are true, you will be better off in the end

Moomoo1

yeah, you had to nip that in the bud from the beginning: this sort of thing was not acceptable. I am guessing that you were not forceful enough with telling her to stop doing those things during dunner.

Many years ago I read a story in a newspaper told by a woman who went out with one guy for a few years and then met another during a house party - and went off with him. She said that 'I wanted (guy no. 1) to carry me out of the house in his hands, but instead he just did nothing and let me go off with (guy no. 2)'.

but at least now you know what sort of person she is: tell her everything you think about her, stop talking to her and stop being mr niceguy. You are only 28, that is not very old at all.

Podgers

Moomoo1 wrote: »

Many years ago I read a story in a newspaper told by a woman who went out with one guy for a few years and then met another during a house party - and went off with him. She said that 'I wanted (guy no. 1) to carry me out of the house in his hands, but instead he just did nothing and let me go off with (guy no. 2)'.

i had this conversation awhile with my ex. she asked me would i fight for her?
as much and all as i would feel like doing it my theory on it was if she made the decision to go off with someone else it was it, she wouldnt have done it if she truely wanted me.

i wonder were the fine line is or is their such thing?

LegacyUser

Thanks for your advice Wibbs. I know I should have just copped on a bit and taken action sooner but I just didn't see it as clearly at the time as I do now. I think I was just more hurt by the fact that she was doing it and I guess I tried to protect myself by denying the truth, I told myself 'she wouldn't do that to you' because I never would have done that to her. I never even looked at anyone else I loved her so much and i almost feel angry at myself for that now. 10 full years where I've been dedicated to someone who maybe never was dedicated to me in return??

I know what i need to do here is move on, get over it, forget about her.

Truth is if she snapped her fingers right now and told me she'd come back to be honest I'd probably run back to her. I know it would take this current pain from me, but I also know she's damaged trust and I need to cop onto myself and not go there. But she hasn't even called me anyway because she's probably out having the time of her life feeling like a weight has been lifted off her shoulders while i suffer. sorry to be negative. I am trying! And it is helping so much to write here as truth is I don't have many friends. Had two lads who are gone to oz, and no one else really that I'm close to. Like you podgers my relationship with my ex pushed away my friends, I spent too much time with her and now I know the difference!

Podgers it helps so much to have someone who is going through the same, theres something about not being alone in it. Lots of people have had something that went on for 2 years or 3 years but 9 or 10 years is so long and i think that makes it a lot different, much harder because your whole life is based on that person.

I'll def check out that book, my ex actually said to me that I was 'too nice' while ending it. Great..

Like you I did everything to make her happy and now I'm wondering if maybe I wasted my time, maybe I should have been making ME happy.

Right now I can't even imagine seeing anyone else ever again, I really feel that I am done with women but maybe I'll change my mind later.

Thanks for taking the time to write as I really appreciate hearing from someone else going through this.

And thanks to everyone else who has replied! I really appreciate this

Moomoo1

Podgers wrote: »

i had this conversation awhile with my ex. she asked me would i fight for her?
as much and all as i would feel like doing it my theory on it was if she made the decision to go off with someone else it was it, she wouldnt have done it if she truely wanted me.

i wonder were the fine line is or is their such thing?

That depends on what you mean by 'fighting'

I just meant that one should not take sh*t. No need to be nasty about it of course, but still, when you are given sh*t you need to take action.

Moomoo1

gurgjk wrote: »

And it is helping so much to write here as truth is I don't have many friends. Had two lads who are gone to oz, and no one else really that I'm close to. Like you podgers my relationship with my ex pushed away my friends, I spent too much time with her and now I know the difference!


I'll def check out that book, my ex actually said to me that I was 'too nice' while ending it. Great..

of course she did - you saw her blatantly messing you around and did nothing whatsoever. Well, stop being nice and don't talk to her. If she needs to tell you something, she will.

And I am sure you can at least try to repair relations with your friends...

Kiva.D

LeahK wrote: »

Hi OP, I know exactly how your feeling! I searched forums, read books and did all sorts to help me understand why this had happened. I came accross this bit of advice from a different forum and it helped me no end. I read it every time I felt low... Hope it helps (sorry about the length of it!!)

" I've been on this site for almost four months now. When I found it, I was sure that absolutely no one in the world had ever, or would ever, experience the pain that I was feeling after my break up. Funny. I found a virtual world full of folks who have gone through and experienced the same things and felt the same feelings that I did. That helped a lot.

So, for all you newbies who ask the questions, "Will the hurting ever stop," or "Will my ex come back," or "Why did he/she do this," this is how it typically goes down.

You two break up--doesn't matter who does it. You immediately panic and begin chasing, begging, pleading, harrassing, phoning, e-mailing, IMing, stalking (okay not all of them, just pick whichever one you did). Most of us will likely do some things during this stage that will make you cringe when you think back on it, say after about 3 months.

You lose weight. You neglect yourself, your house, your job (how many hours do we all log on this site while we are at work?). You drive your friends and family crazy talking about the break up. You cry at the drop of a dime. You can't even comprehend that your life might not again include that "special person." You begin putting them on a pedestal, forgetting all of the nagging things about them that used to drive you crazy. In your mind, they have become omnipotent, all encompasing, all everything.

You convince yourself that you are a loser who just screwed up a relationship with "the best person in the world." You KNOW without a doubt that you will never EVER love like that again. You know no one else will come along who even comes close to being as marvelous as your ex (excuse me while I chuckle to myself here). You wear a sad face for the world to see (you should see my work ID taken 2 days after my breakup, it's just pitiful).

They (the ex's) remain steadfast in their denial to get back together. Many of them leapfrog into new relationships, immediately being exclusive with a new person. For those that do leapfrog, they appear to just "replace" you with a new model. All of the things you two used to do, they now do with someone else. Bowling, cuddling watching television, motorcycle riding, antiquing. Whatever you two did, likely they will just begin doing those things with someone new.

You hear about them and their new life. You are desperate for any crumbs of news about their life. Many of us make things worse here by trying to use manipulation to get them back--yet they stay away from us like we are the plague.

For those of us who do still have contact with our ex's we begin selling ourselves short. Doing stupid things like allowing them access to our bodies and then wanting to strangle them afterward when they remind us that "Sex does not imply hope."

You, in further panic mode, begin frantically searching the internet using phrases such as "break ups," "divorce stopper," whatever. You stumble upon this site, pay your money because your curious and lo and behold, you find all of us folks in various stages of this whole breakup bullsh*t.

You voraciously read the posts. You search for news of those who "got their mates back." You're on the site constantly. You'll read the books and think "Ah I can do this. I can get this person back." You begin your "no contact" and for some of us, this will get a reaction from our ex's. For the rest, no contact is and will continue to be what you'll get and receive.

Time goes by. You'll do some stupid things. You'll call your ex when you shouldn't. You'll call when you've had to much to drink. You'll call even after 50 people on this site tell you not to. You'll show up on their doorstep, hating yourself all the time. Then you'll come back to this site and ask everyone to tell you why you were so stupid as to do whatever it was you did.

Then you'll get serious about no contact. It'll hurt, but you try to stick to it. Here's the turning point for most. For those folks who have contact with their ex's, your no contact will either bring them sniffing curiously around or they'll be somewhere high fiving their friends thanking the God's that you haven't called.

Now's the tough time. Nothing but time works. Everday the ache in your heart grows a little less. It's only nanobits that it dies down by. But everyday it will get slowly better. You'll have setbacks. You'll run into your ex accidently. You'll run into mutual friends who'll tell you something about your ex that'll have you high-tailing it home for a good cry. You'll see your ex with their new "friend." You'll receive a phone call or an e-mail from your ex who "doesn't want to be in a relationship but still wants to be friends (with benefits if you allow).

Here's another important part. You need to truly sit down and truthfully look back at the relationship and understand what you did to help with it's demise. If you miss this part, you go through all the suffering for nothing because Buddy, you'll be back here again. This site is to teach you about you. To teach you how to be a better partner, a better person. Missing that lesson is detrimental to the whole process. It's the REASON that you're going through this. God (or whatever your higher power is) needed you to learn something about YOU. Don't miss out on the lesson.

Then one day you'll smile because you didn't immediately check your answering machine when you came in. And one day you'll decide to clean the muck that has accumulated in your house. And one day you'll go outside and admit to the universe that you surrender what control you thought you had.

And one day you'll decide to date again. And one day you'll go out on your first date and it will likely be a disaster. And then you'll either force yourself to continue dating or you'll decide that you aren't ready to date but you are ready to be out amongst people again. And many of you will have some quick reconcillations with your ex's. Many of us won't. But one day, it won't matter as much. Because time will allow you to catch yourself going minutes and then hours without thinking of the ex. And you'll begin to be able to think of life possibly without that person and not dissolve into a puddle of nothingness because of the thought.

And for most of us, sadly, life will go on without that mate. That's the truth, amigos. Don't want to dash your hopes but probably less than 3% of the people on this site get back with their mates. Sobering isn't it? But, as the site instructs, you must accept this before you can truly begin to heal or draw your ex back to you. For the lucky (maybe unlucky one's depending on how much work it will take to keep a mate that has wandered back) who get back with their ex's, many will find that the paradise they envisioned isn't reality and what they once thought was gold has a certain tarnish to it now. But they stay and try and make it work because it's comfortable or, if they are really lucky, it's meant to be.

But for most of us. Life goes on. And one day you'll find yourself having a gut busting laugh over something totally stupid and you'll think to yourself "I am getting better." And finally (thank God) you'll have sex with some new and find that a) if it wasn't good, at least you did it or b) it was so much better than with your ex you wonder why you waited so long to get back out there. And you'll know you're one the road to recovery.

I guess what I'm trying to convey here is, while each situation is unique, the characteristics of most of our situations are the same. Most of us will go through at least something that I've written here. So, when someone tells you on this site that time will help you get through it, believe them. When they tell you that "trust me, it will get better and you will stop hurting eventually," believe them. And when they give you good advice that your head understands but your heart rejects, take a moment to think before you react.

Don't beat yourself up if you do something that you wished you hadn't (calling, contacting, etc) WE ALL DID AT ONE TIME OR ANOTHER. Be kind to yourself. Be forgiving of yourself. And most of all remember that being happily single is an alternative. Even if society is beating it into your head that you MUST have a mate, take some time to heal before going back out there. There are plenty of good people to love, but don't go back out there broken, jaded about love, etc. Accept realty. Experience the pain. Learn the lesson. Actively try to heal. Remember the person you were when you first met your ex and get that person back.

And the universe will take care of the rest."

God I hope you're right, Leah, cuz some days the pain is just too tough to take.

I am a friend

Kiva.D wrote: »

God I hope you're right, Leah, cuz some days the pain is just too tough to take.

I know it hurts but you are so lucky not to be married to that person...

Kiva.D

Guys, that was unfair of me to post above - sorry. I'm not the OP, just someone also dealing with a very difficult break-up and searching for the answers I can't find for myself. (thanks, I am a friend )

LegacyUser

Kiva no problem writing in my thread, it's helping me to know I am not alone and I'm sure the mods won't have a problem with someone else sharing their problems in the same thread. I certainly don't.

Thanks to everyone for taking the time to offer advice to me.

Finding this a lot harder than I ever realised I would. I just so badly want an answer from her but I'm holding off on calling her. I just want to ask why she did this to me but I know it's pointless.

onthemend1, I know what you're saying and I think that yes in this vulnerable position I'm in if she called me I would feel so happy to hear she was coming back but I know in my heart it wouldn't last, I know her heart obviously wasn't in it.

Moomoo, it wasn't a case of me not being forceful enough, she promised me nothing was going on and that they were just friends and I had no reason to think otherwise because I trusted her and believed in her. I hadn't seen signs of her lying otherwise, and if you love someone so much sometimes you get a bit blinded by the love, it's impossible to understand until you're in the situation, I see a lot more with hindsight than I did at the time.

Hard day today but I'm fighting on.

Wibbs

gurgjk wrote: »

Finding this a lot harder than I ever realised I would. I just so badly want an answer from her but I'm holding off on calling her. I just want to ask why she did this to me but I know it's pointless.

It kinda is G. We all seek closure in different ways. I have found seeking if from the one who caused the emotional pain in teh first place is indeed usually pointless. I could have a good guess at what she'd say too. For a start she'll avoid like the plague telling you what was really going on. Instead the conversation would be peppered with phrases like "I was confused/love you, not in love with you/it just happened/I didn't mean it/It wasn't working with us" etc etc.

I hadn't seen signs of her lying otherwise, and if you love someone so much sometimes you get a bit blinded by the love, it's impossible to understand until you're in the situation, I see a lot more with hindsight than I did at the time.

I'd go further and reckon that we miss these things not because we're blinded by love, but more because we're blinded by love for them, not ourselves. Looking back when I missed things it was usually because I loved them more than I loved myself and was afraid that if I lost them I'd somehow lose myself. Wrong, if an easy trap to fall into. If you care about yourself and respect yourself these things tend to stand out like an tutu wearing elephant in a rowboat.

Hard day today but I'm fighting on.

That's the spirit! It will get better. Though you won't believe it today there will come a time when you'll see this for what it is, you'll see her for what she is(good and bad), you'll see you as a person who deserves more and most of all you'll be very grateful for the current unanswered prayers wanting her back.

Moomoo1

gurgjk wrote: »

Moomoo, it wasn't a case of me not being forceful enough, she promised me nothing was going on and that they were just friends and I had no reason to think otherwise because I trusted her and believed in her. I hadn't seen signs of her lying otherwise, and if you love someone so much sometimes you get a bit blinded by the love, it's impossible to understand until you're in the situation, I see a lot more with hindsight than I did at the time.

oh, i never suggested that you should have mistrusted her.

just that you should have objected to her openly disrespecting you, e.g. with the chatting on FB/texting at the dinner table. You can trust and love someone and still refuse to take sh*t from them.

lee_holloway

gurgjk wrote: »

I'll def check out that book, my ex actually said to me that I was 'too nice' while ending it. Great..

there is no such thing as being "too nice", only awful, vile, horrible people who use this as some form of get out clause, or thinly veiled insult. any one who cannot see the effort that someone put into a relationship over such a significant amount of time is a selfish, cruel, worthless individual.

telling someone they are too nice should be interpreted as being too nice to waste time on the person saying it. i feel so terribly for you, you seem so lovely. its completely unfair that you are enduring the suffering, when you are the kinder of the two. i really hope you start to feel better soon and see your loss as a gain and her loss as a loss.

LegacyUser

Hi op, I have been in your situation before aswell. 7 years ago a girl who I thought was my soulmate absolutely destroyed me(or so I thought she did). I know what you are going through, its very difficult but you will get through it. And really the only way to get over it is with time and for you to live your life. I, like you had neglected friendships, family my own hobbies, interests for this one person and thats what made it worse for me because I felt like I had nothing to live for. To help me get through it I started to keep a diary and wrote everything in it. Every day. All my feelings, thoughts, emotions and fears are there in that book. I still write in it occasionaly but what I wrote at the beginnning was desperately sad stuff, all the stuff that you are going through now. Eventually I progressed to writing about myself and my life and what I wanted from my life making lists of things to do and goals for myself this helped me immensly. Through this I found new hobbies, a new career path and new friends. Eventually met a girl and started a new relationship. This was a good while after being single and dating having fun putting myself first etc. You will definately get past this and be a stronger person for it. I firmly believe that once you have had your heart broken and get through it that you become a stronger person.

Lucyx

Hi Op

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I know how low you must be feeling and I'm sure you're obsessing about every little thing that happened in the build up to the breakup. You'll drive yourself mental going over everything in your mind and this is so typical. I know I felt like I was going insane for many months afterwards and made it FAR worse by letting my ex breeze in and out of my life willy nilly.

If you do get to ask her why she did this I bet she'll say that she has to be honest about her feelings. I heard this BS and it makes you wanna punch them.

if you can avoid seeing her that will help you no end. I posted here many times when I was going through my breakup and everyone told me to cut contact and did I listen.......no.......and did I pay the price........YES I DID !! Thats the worst thing I've ever done cos you feel disappointed in yourself cos you know thats not the best for you. Its one thing being disappointed in someone else but letting yourself down is just sh1tty.

It will take time though. Getting used to not being in a couple takes a good few months. Good luck to you and keep posting here if it helps

LegacyUser

Hey OP.

I'm very sorry you are going through this pain. I can completely understand where you are coming from and how you feel. My ex dropped a bomb shell on me and looking back I didn't see the warning signs at the time... or more truthfully I did, but I chose to ignore them cause i loved her too much.

I've already posted a lot of this in another thread earlier but here goes.

Ok... the cold hard truth. You have lost her attraction. You CAN/COULD get it back (cause you had it at some point right ?) but is it really worth getting back ?

Ok so to repost a lot of what I already said to another OP in another thread whether to win her back or move forward (and i really think the two of these are mutually exclusive). You are moving forward now whether you like it or not! Getting BACK with an ex is moving backwards. Invariably if you do regain their attraction unless you have better confidence in yourself and you both have addressed the reasons it broke in the first place it will just end again. The funny thing is you have now conquered your fear of loosing her. If you do get her back, you won't be afraid to loosing her again and probably won't be as tolerant of her disrespectful crap again. Hell you probably won't find her as attractive as you once did and that will eat away at you and you will be the one to end it cause this ex of yours does not meet your new higher standards.

Ok so... you still say you want to get your ex back....

First things first whether you want to get back with your ex or just get over her and move forward. The same battle plan.

DAMAGE CONTROL!!!

1. NO CONTACT. trust me like everyone else here has says, its the hardest thing in the world to do , but really doing so is giving you both something. If you love her, you are giving her the gift of missing you... it might take that 'missing you' kick up the arse to make her realize what she has lost. In the mean time it will give you time to regroup, gather yourself from this crappy shock, and take care of you. Your job is not to take care of her any more. Nope. She is not your problem any more. BTW no contact means no contact. It means no text messages, no phone calls drunk, no facebook friends, no myspace, skype , nada. You get the message. You do not make any contact with her at all.
You only meet her again if and when you can do so and she does not have that power/hold over you that she does now. BTW the no contact rule does not mean living like a hermet but getting out there and taking care of you. Try and avoid any places the two of you used to go. It will only upset you.

2. Take up a hobby. Join a gym. Working out produces testosterone and bunch of other body chemicals which will make you feel better abotu yourself and reduce stress. On top of all this you will be getting yourself back in shape and making yourself more attractive to the opposite sex.

3. Learn something, take up something you always said you would like to do no matter how far fetched it is. This is YOUR time now.

4.Ok so it's been a few months you think you want to make contact cause you are looking fitter, not crying as much and you want to show her the new you. <BUZZER sound> Wrong. Don't go meeting her at all until you have met and made friends with at least 20 other women. OK... i want to clarify this part. MEET. there is no pressure for sleep with ,score, hit on, nada. I'm talking genuinely try and make friends / get to know at least 20 new people. It is easier said than done. Hint, you might have to join a club for this one.
This is the most important part for you to do before I will believe you when you say 'she is the one' , never meet anyone else like her. I GUARANTEE you need to do this part because then you will see there are amazing , beautiful , single, intelligent , caring women out there (they are not necessarily all gonna want to hook up with you.. but that aint the point). The point is that they exist and they give you a good barometer for what a nice person is and how you should at least be treated by a friend never mind a lover.
If you still come back to these forums in 6 months, having done this and still profess that your ex is the best person for you, then I will listen to you, but for now you need to do this.

5. Ok so if your ex does call to want to talk / text. Either A) do not reply... you don't owe her anything. Or option B , 'I don't think it's such a good idea right now. hope your well. OP.'. It's important you don't stoop to name calling, or getting hacked off etc... Keep your dignity and be the bigger person.

6. Can I highly suggest going cold turkey on the booze until you get your head in a half decent state. As a guy who was devastated when his ex left him, I hit the bottle initially and it only made the depression worse at first. Drink is a depressant it will only make you feel worse.

7. When you are tempted to text/call etc... cause I don't expect you to find it too easy to do even half of the stuff I have mentioned here, but if you do and are tempted to make contact or respond to contact. PLEASE go to these forums first and let us smack sense into you!!!! (said in nice sense )


Listen bro, as I said in another thread, there are cold self centered people in the world. Not many (important not to loose sight of that) but there are some. You , me and the OP in another thread were unfortunate to meet some of these people. They are cold , self centered and the way she has treated you, isn't indicative of an incompatability between you two, but a personality trait that would be extremely difficult for anyone to live with. She loves herself more than you by her treatment of you.

Good luck bro, I know you will get through this. In the plus column, you have just taken a step further up the path to being with the person you really should be with and who would never do this to you

LegacyUser

sorry OP , just one other thing... i see you quote your ex as saying you were too nice.

BS. Do not mistake being a nice decent guy (which is rediculously attractive to high qulaity women ) as being week / unattractive. Don't let this turn you into a jerk. Personally I don't have much interest in a girl who will go for a jerk (I take it to mean she doesn't have much respect for herself and if you are to get involved with her she will only upset you again.). Your ex did not sound like a high quality woman to me dude.

These boards are littered with women hoping to meet a nice decent caring guy who will put their relationship first and not some other girl who bats an eye lid at him etc..

Your ex is just looking for excuses when she leaves. The only reason she needs is she isn't happy and wants out. I don't blame her for that. These things happen. But the way she has treated you is terrible.
The only truth that can be found in what she said about being 'too nice' is that you need to be more confident in your own worth and your value. You're the prize dude. And you have learnt a good lesson, don't be afraid to walk away from someone who isn't treating you well. Thats prob what your ex meant by being too nice. I got the same shindig from my ex. You are one in a million, I love you so much, millions of girls would be happy with you. Its patronizing BS.
Really what she is prob trying to say is 'ive been a total cow to you and you are letting me do that to you and i find that unattractive'. There is truth in that, but sure its a learning experience. The right girl will love and appreciate you being a decent caring guy and you two will have a long lasting fulfilled relationship where you are not having to watch everything you say to her for fear of loosing her because you will have something you never had with your ex... security that she values you as much as you value her. The right girl won't test you like that to see if you will put up with her crap. I don't think you need to change just be more confident abotu your own self worth. its amazing how being with someone like that for 10 years can slowly chip away at your confidence.

Again can I just emphasise again how important it is for you to meet new women (as friends) just so you can see that there are so many quality ones out there that are decent and caring. Look at all the girls that have come on here so far to help out with advice etc... they are out there. Your ex just wasn't one of them.

one thing I forgot to mention in my last post... please don't confuse moving on and you getting on with your life for meaning you didn't care, or that your love together is devalued.its not the case. So just because you were together 10 years doesn't mean you have to pine for her for another 5 if you catch my drift.

Sorry if this is a bit ranty... i suppose i can completely relate to your situation. It wasn't for quite so long but it isn't how long you have loved but how you have loved. someone breaking up after 3 years can be just as painful as 10. I just see a lot of myself in you and your situation a few months ago. And I just want you to know that it gets better, I still think about my ex and I still love her (despite my advice) but ... I can live with myself a lot better and I would not take her back for the world.

LegacyUser

Hello gurgjk,
I am sorry to hear that your relationship is over. I watched a friend of mine go through this also.
She met a man when she worked abroad, got engaged and they moved back to Ireland.
A few weeks before the wedding he told her that he was not ready to get married and left her to tell her parents. Her parents then had to sort out canceling the reception, church and tell the rest of the family. She rang me the next day and I never saw anyone so upset when she told me. A few weeks after this she want back out with him which I told her was a bad idea. I watched her chase after him for months thinking they would get back together. They were a couple for a while and then friends before he left Ireland.
Don't remain in contact with your ex as you may think that you will become a couple again.
This is not fair to you as you both need to move on even though you will find it hard it does get better with time. My friend who this happen to started going out with friends and enjoying life. I was out one night with her when she met a really nice decent man. They are now married with a family. It better that this happen now rather than a few years down the line when you may have had a family.

LegacyUser

Your future does not include this person, try move on. You deserve alot more. My gf was with her previous fella 8 years. When they broke up she was devastated, but then she met me Never been happier. There deffo is a bright future for you with someone else. Concentrate on your future, this girl is history. You deserve to be happy, you will never be with this girl. Cut all contact, take power back and make your own decisions.