Selfish b1tch - that's me

LegacyUser

Don't quite know how to phrase this. Only that I seem to be one of the most selfish people walking the planet and I don't know how to go about changing. One thing's for sure: if I don't change soon I'll have pushed everyone I know and love away.

I'm mid 20s, female and living/working abroad. In the past year a few of my closest friendships have been really rocked, due to my selfishness and lack of consideration. At the moment my friendship with my flatmate (also closest friend from college) is on the rocks, after she told me that she doesn't want to live with me for a second year due to these issues. She feels I don't give a crap about her, don't put any effort into the friendship, mope about the apartment when I'm around, don't bother my aRse socialising with her or our other friends, let her take responsibility for the place and all that it involves. I couldn't even really argue with her.

For argument's sake, here are this week's issues. It's this girl's birthday on Saturday and she'll be having a bbq to celebrate. About 2 weeks ago I said I'd try to get work off so I can be there, to help out as well as just to be there. I haven't even asked work yet, due mainly to laziness and forgetfulness, and know now that it's too late and I'll have to miss out. I work freelance in a competitive environment and not working Saturday could affect my future schedules. My friend is going to be so upset, and knowing me, I'll wait until late in the week to tell her so she'll be doubly p1ssed. Another issue. Flat hunting for some place new at the moment. I saw a half-decent house last week, great location and nice people...they offered it to me and I accepted. The next day I saw a far nicer place that would suit me way better. This was also offered to me, and I accepted - this happened on Saturday. I waited until today to tell the first place that my plans have changed...and got a nasty, p1ssed off email back, saying how much I had inconvenienced them etc etc. I feel like sh1t, but I suppose I should? This is the kind of crap I do repeatedly.

I am late for everything. I've had friends come over to visit me and have to wait on me for hours. I went to Chicago with one of my best friends a few weeks ago, which resulted in her getting upset with me about three times, over my lateness, over me chatting up some guy in a bar and 'abandoning' her (I tried to pull her into the conversation but she wasn't interested) and a few weeks before that another friend went off on me because I made a flippant comment about work to her.

I just feel helpless and hopeless. I feel like a part of the problem is I hate letting people down, so prolong the pain of telling them something they won't like to hear until it's so late that it's even worse for them. That, and maybe I'm just unbearably selfish. I prioritise work and my own schedule over everything else. My time management is shocking and impacts on everyone I come into contact with - work, friends, family, strangers. I'm on a tight budget and resent spending money - I think that plays a big part. I hate throwing money away on booze, nights out that are never that great, etc etc.

I'm just at my wit's end. All of this is so incoherent, and I'm usually quite articulate, but with this issue...it's just such a persistent but mind-boggling issue for me and I feel my behaviour is so deeply ingrained that I don't know if I'll ever be able to change. I feel I have boundary issues too. I've never had a significant relationship and I've always been pretty self sufficient and independent...maybe I resent the idea that I could get too close and rely on someone else.

I really don't know. I am just so sick of letting people down, of feeling like a sh1t person. Does anyone have any insights, or maybe some advice? Thanks for reading

premierlass

selfishselfishselfish wrote: »

I'm just at my wit's end. All of this is so incoherent, and I'm usually quite articulate, but with this issue...it's just such a persistent but mind-boggling issue for me and I feel my behaviour is so deeply ingrained that I don't know if I'll ever be able to change. I feel I have boundary issues too. I've never had a significant relationship and I've always been pretty self sufficient and independent...maybe I resent the idea that I could get too close and rely on someone else.

This is a serious problem that is affecting your life and the lives of those around you. You need counselling to sort it out, and you need to be open to what you are told, no matter how distasteful it may sound. If you are truly open to change, you can.

LegacyUser

premierlass wrote: »

This is a serious problem that is affecting your life and the lives of those around you. You need counselling to sort it out, and you need to be open to what you are told, no matter how distasteful it may sound. If you are truly open to change, you can.

I know counselling is the best option. I can't afford counselling. That's why I'm posting here. And I don't say that as a cop-out - I genuinely don't know where the money would come from. I'm struggling as it is. I've seen a psychotherapist in the past over a different issue (eating disorder) and it made the world of difference, but it was a serious crisis and my parents footed the bill. They're not in a position to do the same now.

I suppose I'm just posting here in the off-chance that someone has addressed a similar issue in themselves in the past. I've noted the problem - I want to change - I'm smart and the most stubborn person I know (part of the problem) - I guess I'm just looking for direction. Advice. I don't want to go through life like this and end up miserable and alone, which is the direction I'm headed if I don't make some changes. Thanks for your input.

woodchuck

On the issue with the BBQ, first thing in the morning ask for the time off work. If it’s too short notice for you to get it off then call your friend immediately (no putting it off!!) to let her know that you can’t come. But tell her what you’ll do to make it up to her and ACTUALLY do it. Some suggestions off the top of my head; make some salads or desserts etc that you can drop into her the night before so she has less to prepare herself, come over as soon as you’ve finished work on the day to join in the celebrations and stay late to help her clean up afterwards, the night before or of the night of the BBQ make sure to give her a decent and thoughtful present.

Part of the problem seems to be time management, at least when it comes to keeping your friends waiting? You need to be much more realistic when you’re planning things with friends. You might want/like to be ready by a certain time, but if it’s not going happen then don’t agree to it. At least if your friends know ahead of time when you’ll be ready then they can plan accordingly. It’s just a matter of thinking ahead about all the things you’ll have to do. Like there’s no point saying you’ll meeting someone at x time if you’re off work an hour before that and are going to go home, get changed, eat dinner etc before you actually head out. It’s so frustrating when you’ve rushed around to get out the door at a certain time and then someone else holds you up for an extra couple of hours on short notice. It’s just time wasted for your friend(s). You need to put yourself in other peoples shoes and think of what it’s like to be on the receiving end of the things you do and change your behaviour accordingly.

Abandoning a friend to chat up a guy in a bar is just not on. Imagine if someone did that to you? You said you tried to include her in the conversation. Some people might be fine with this, but you MUST have known she wasn’t happy. In that sort of situation you need to just call it a day with the guy and go back to hanging out with your friend. Unless you genuinely misread your friends emotions then there’s really no excuse there, it’s just pure selfishness.

I know what you mean about wasting money on nights out in a club/pub, but there are ways around it. Suggest meeting up early in the night (and actually show up on time!!) that way if you need to leave early to get the last bus home instead of spending money on a taxi etc you’ve still spent a good bit of time with your friends. And there’s actually no need to spend money on drink when you’re out either… you can just have soft drinks or even tap water. Try suggesting doing things that don’t involve the club/pub scene too eg meeting for coffee during the day or invite people around to your place for a DVD night.

You’re just going to have to actively try to do better. DO being the key word there, you can the best intentions but at the end of the day others will judge you on your actions. It’s probably be a slow road to repair your friendships btw, but if you put in the work it should be worth it in the end.

Fox McCloud

To me it sounds like a fear of confrontation and wanting everyone to like you. You dont want to dissapoint people so you dont tell them when your going to be late or cant show, and put it off until the last minute which makes it ten times worse.

Do you have any anxiety about going out on nights out or even leaving the house that makes you delay and take so long to get ready?

denhaagenite

Myself and my husband have a friend exactly like this. He is like a brother to my husband so when we decided to emigrate, him being in the country we eventually moved to was no coincidence. He then stopped talking to us for 2 years, pretty much until we moved out of the city he was living in. We now all have a better relationship, but my OH just spent the whole weekend waiting for him to visit us only for him to show up at 10pm on Sunday, which breaks my heart. He loves him, and never stops worrying about him because of issues with drugs and bad relationships (greedy women- he is a high earner in a city with alot of expats) but I have learned that eventually he always comes around.

This guy, like you, hates to let people down. He just doesn't answer the phone. I know this because I've seen him do it to other people when he's with us. The worst part of it is, when he's with us- the people that know him better than anything and that he knows care more than anyone- he's not even comfortable. In his own head he's onto tomorrow, thinking about the person he's been rejecting calls from today and what excuse he'll have. It must be exhausting for him, and it's really difficult to watch as his friends.

What I would love is for him to be honest with us about it, to tell us how he is feeling and what we can do to help. I know he doesn't think so, but we're going through exactly the same thing as he is- I suspect it's the same situation with your friend. Friendships when living abroad are so important, do something about it now before it's too late.

Doogieboogie

denhaagenite wrote: »

What I would love is for him to be honest with us about it, to tell us how he is feeling and what we can do to help. I know he doesn't think so, but we're going through exactly the same thing as he is- I suspect it's the same situation with your friend. Friendships when living abroad are so important, do something about it now before it's too late.

This - gather your friends, the people who are important to you, tell them that you know you have a problem with letting others down, that you are truly, deeply sorry, and that you want to change. Tell them you've no idea how to, that your problems are deeply ingrained to the extent you don't even know you are doing it, and ask them for help. This will achieve two things:
(a) it'll make your friends aware that you do care about them, that you do realise you are being selfish, and that you don't want to be there - an apology will also go a long way to building bridges with those who may be on their last straw with you,
(b) having people actively (but gently) tell you when you are acting inappropriately will help you curb your behaviour, and will help you start to think for yourself - eg, if you leave a friend waiting, when you turn up, they say, ''listen, it's not on to leave me standing here for 20 mins'' - it might encourage you to turn up on time, next time you meet that person. Eventually you won't need telling.

I have a friend who did something similar, she engaged in bullying and manipulative behaviour. Something changed in her, and she addressed it, and she also made sure to personally apologise for anything she may have done to upset her friends. I admired her greatly for both the apology and her efforts to change, and it meant that if she did slip up (old habits take a while to break) I was more willing to let it go - beforehand, I was at the point of cutting her out of my life.

Give it a go, OP - if you feel you are at the point that you are losing your friends anyway, it can't do any harm.

LegacyUser

OP, I have a friend just like you. He's got better as he gets older, but I have learned that, in spite of the fact he's a lovely guy and very gentle and sweet, I just cannot depend on him because he's too likely to cancel at the last minute, or not call when I expect him to because he lost his phone and didn't bother emailing to tell me, or be late and leave me in the rain for an hour (it's Ireland after all. . .). Sadly I learned this the hardest way when someone close to me died. . . that said provided I don't expect anything of him, I can enjoy his company a lot. But he is the last person I tell about a crisis or ask for a favour, which is a shame because as I said, he is a genuinely nice guy.

I understand the emotions that cause this, the fact you don't want to let people down - but I think you need to train your mind to realise that letting people down at the last minute is the worst way to do it. They may already bought food anticipating you'll be there, or boguht extra drinks, or asked other people along on the strength of you being there.

I also hate letting people down, but I work in customer service and a big part of my job is giving people bad news. For the first few months I called them as late as I could and got so many earfuls that I soon learned!! I hardly ever get told off when I tell them in enough time for them to make other plans.

It sounds like the nature of your job means that you have a good reason sometimes for letting people down, but telling them early and trying to find other ways to make it up will help. The key thing is to pick up the phone as early as possible. As a recovering confrontation-phobe, getting it out of the way early feels much better - trust me

Acacia

I think you're being a bit harsh on yourself, OP. It sounds like you have a problem with confrontation, and it can manifest as selfish behaviour. You try so hard to not hurt people, that you put off doing something that may hurt them til the last minute, thus making it worse...

I bet you were more worried about trying to get off work for this BBQ than it seems from your post. It sounds like you knew you knew probably couldn't get if off anyway ( cause it would disrupt your schedule), but you put off taking action on the issue ( asking for time off/ telling your friend you can't make it) til the last minute, thus making everything worse in the long run. So you end up stressing yourself even more (beleive me, I know what that feels like).

Some advice- there's nothing wrong with putting yourself first. But you have to do it in a way that doesn't annoy other people too much a. because you don't want to hurt people you care about, and b. you'll just end up stressing yourself out even more.

So if something like the BBQ comes up again , say to your friend "Getting time off work might be an issue, so I can't make any promises yet, but I'll try my best." That way, you've covered yourself, instead of feeling pressured on the spot to answer "Yes" straight away and then stressing out over trying to make up an excuse not to come later.

Took me a long while to figure out that honesty/ straightforwardness is usually the best. For your own sanity more than anything else. And if people are still p1ssed off with you after you've given valid reasons and tried your best, then they're the ones with the problem not you.

LegacyUser

Thanks to every one of you for the responses. You have no idea how much they're helping me. I'm taking on board everything that's been said. I really think I need a harsh wake-up call.

I think I'm just a mess to be honest. A nervous wreck right now. I'm questioning myself on every level and coming to the same conclusion over and again, that I'm just innately lazy and selfish. I know that fear of confrontation, need to please everyone all of the time (which ironically results in pleasing no-one none of the time...), inability to say NO, disastrous time management, anxiety and general lack of self-esteem...these are all issues for me. But to be honest, I'm just so tired of my own bullsh1t and wondering why, despite being a generally smart, hard working and copped-on type of person...I am such a social disaster. And then I wonder why I am permanently single...I'm lucky to have any friends at all.

I'm even at the stage where I am questioning my intentions. Is this me being manipulative? Using the woe-is-me card to get out of taking responsibility and addressing a serious issue in a practical manner? I just wish I could get out of my own head, pull my socks up and take some action, instead of 'having the best of intentions' and fcuking it up again, as per usual.

The good news is, I emailed one of my colleagues last night and she agreed to swap shifts so that I can get off on Saturday. Then I went into town and bought a nice present for my friend, and some balloons and decorations so I can make a big deal of her on the morning of her birthday. She's the kind of thoughtful and generous person who does things like that, she'll buy little presents and bake cookies etc for her friends and I am the direct opposite. Shocker eh??! This is part of what's been drawing a wedge between us recently...judging on my actions she thinks I don't give a sh1t about her. And who could argue with her. At least now I can be around on Saturday and chip in and help out where I'm needed.

I'm just exhausted with myself to be honest. As someone else mentioned, friendships take on a whole new meaning when you're abroad. They really are tested and I feel like I am failing the tests badly. Work is too easy an excuse. Work has taken over my life and I've been a slave to an erratic schedule since I started, picking up shifts at an hour's notice, working weekends and anti-social hours...but really it's been a handy excuse for me if I'm honest. I have this weird tendency - almost need - to isolate myself, what most would say is an abnormal amount. I've always liked my own company, but these days it's just ridiculous. I prioritise my 'me' time above all else and because my time management is so chronically bad, I'll make plans for myself, get distracted or procrastinate or whatever and so end up putting off everything else until I get them done. At which stage it's late evening, and whether I've missed an appointment or a skype date or something - I've let people down again and the day is over.

I dunno, all this psychoanalysis just bores me really. I think I just need to get practical about things. Sleep more at night for one, so I can get up early in the day and get things done. Say NO when something's not possible, instead of thinking reality will magically change and I won't be letting people down at the last minute again. Prioritise my friendships a bit more, and work a little less. This is the one I'm going to struggle most with I think...I tend to just work work work and bury my head in the sand, believing it's all for a 'good cause' and working in an industry where long anti-social hours are necessary just facilitates it.

I feel a little overwhelmed, but I don't really see not-changing as an option. I'm finding my self-respect is slipping and I'm really dismayed at who I have become, I'm a better person than this. I can do better! I don't want to be thought of as a crap friend, or someone that can't be depended upon...I just need to do some serious work on myself because I don't like where I could be headed if I don't change. Thanks again to you all.

Overheal

I know counselling is the best option. I can't afford counselling.

Have you actually researched that, or are you just assuming it.

premierlass

OP, having read this over more carefully, I agree that you're being really hard on yourself. You have some self-esteem issues and you have problems motivating yourself, and you need to treat those as separate issues. You seem to be stuck in a rut, and that is affecting everything you do and how you see yourself. Also, I think others have it right that you are so afraid of letting other people down that you put off giving them the bad news longer than you should.

Flat hunting for some place new at the moment. I saw a half-decent house last week, great location and nice people...they offered it to me and I accepted. The next day I saw a far nicer place that would suit me way better. This was also offered to me, and I accepted - this happened on Saturday. I waited until today to tell the first place that my plans have changed...and got a nasty, p1ssed off email back, saying how much I had inconvenienced them etc etc. I feel like sh1t, but I suppose I should?

Honestly, don't beat yourself up about this. You should probably have contacted the first place as soon as you changed your mind, but if I'm right that the delay was a matter of a couple of days, you can't have inconvenienced them all that much. They're just annoyed they have to put the ad back up and interview more people. Maybe the first decision was overly hasty, but you'll be better at making decisions when you have more confidence in yourself. Lesson learned, move on.

How about having to meet a certain amount of practical goals every day? What would motivate you to achieve these goals? For example, in order to get to sleep early, think of having a nice early morning walk followed by something you like for breakfast. Start the day with some practical things you normally put off, like phone calls.

You say time management is an issue - that is something else you need to deal with separately.

I am late for everything. I've had friends come over to visit me and have to wait on me for hours. I went to Chicago with one of my best friends a few weeks ago, which resulted in her getting upset with me about three times, over my lateness, over me chatting up some guy in a bar and 'abandoning' her (I tried to pull her into the conversation but she wasn't interested) and a few weeks before that another friend went off on me because I made a flippant comment about work to her.

The first part - a problem. Look into time management. The second - interpersonal issues that can happen to anyone. It's not necessarily your fault.

Again, my advice - separate all the issues in a systematic way and deal with them in whatever way seems best to you. Most of all, stop thinking you're a terrible person.