Relationship with someone who already has children??

Hank_Jones

Just wanted get people's opinions on this.
Would you get involved with someone who had a child/children from a previous relationship?

Always felt that if I was in that situation, there would be more than two people in the relationship as their ex would be permanently butting in.

Chuck Stone

I lolled at Atari relationships.



Yes yes I am easily amused.



.

Siuin

No, I'm too young (20) to be with someone who already has baggage.
Plus, the whole baby mama in the background and financial drain of raising a child... no can do

hondasam

Hank_Jones wrote: »

Just wanted get people's opinions on this.
Would you get involved with someone who had a child/children from a previous relationship?

Always felt that if I was in that situation, there would be more than two people in the relationship as their ex would be permanently butting in.

I would like to think the ex would be involved with his/her children otherwise they would be selfish.

sam34

no, not for me thanks. I have no interest in having children of my own and similarly I've no intention of having any involvement with someone elses children.

Benny_Cake

Its one of these things that looks ridiculous when you're younger,but as you get older it is more likely to occur.I'm not single myself,but if I was,the ex would be something I'd be most concerned about.A lad my in school got a slagging for starting to go out with a girl who was pregnant with someone elses kid - 15 years later they're still together.Shows how much people know!

MyKeyG

My impulse is to say no but who's to say I won't meet some girl who knocks my socks off and happens to have the sweetest little angel in tow? I know a guy who was so against having kids that he told me he knew his wife was the one for him when during their courtship she said she didn't want kids. 15 years later they have 3. You don't know for sure if you want kids, yours or someone elses, until the situation presents.

Pherekydes

LOL at children being described as baggage. I'll bet you won't call your own kids baggage (if you ever have any). All lone parents don't have exes hanging around to **** things up. I didn't and neither did the wife.

Dravokivich

It all depends on the relationship between both parents and the kid. If it was a sound relationship, I'd have no problem being involved with a woman who's already had kids.

W.Shakes-Beer

I personally wouldn't.

NothingMan

It is definitely a situation that has to be handled delicately. I have seen relationships where the guy almost immediately gets heavily involved in the childrens life and eventually the relationship doesn't work out the guy is gone from the kids lives. Having different men wander in and out of a childs life is not a healthy situation for the kid and can lead to a lot of issues for the kid as they grow up. Especially if the father isn't around at all.

Saying that, it woudln't stop me from attempting a relationship with a single mother, I just would refrain from meeting the children until you knew it was a serious long lastinf relationship, perhaps even waiting over a year to meet them. It could put a strain on a starting relationship, not seeing each other as often as you'd maybe like, but at the end of the day the kids come first and if they're worth it, it will work out.

stupidusername

There was a bit of a discussion about this over in tGC a while ago,and so i've gone from not even considering it to thinking it might be possible if the situation arose.

I don't want children and so dealing with someone elses seems worse

Tea_Bag

maybe if I was older, but no way now.

stargazer 68

Depends on your age. You will find as you get older a lot of people have children so your 'sea' turns into a 'pond'

It would depend, I wouldn't mind falling for a lovely lady who was seperated/divorced from a longterm relationship who had a child. Falling for a lady who had a kid from a non longterm relationship and who then falls for me while the kid is still a toddler would be a different kettle of fish, especially if she became pregmant quite quickly after hooking up with me. A lad I know is in the 2nd situation.

Osgoodisgood

Hank_Jones wrote: »

Just wanted get people's opinions on this.
Would you get involved with someone who had a child/children from a previous relationship?

Always felt that if I was in that situation, there would be more than two people in the relationship as their ex would be permanently butting in.

The ex almost certainly would be "permanently butting in" because the ex has every right to be involved in his or her children's lives in a meaningful way. If you are not mature enough to cope with this dynamic then this sort of relationship might be best avoided.

Kevin Duffy

Wouldn't bother me all. It requires a slightly more careful approach, but nothing more than that in my experience.

Absurdum

depends on how much they stretched her vagina

newbee22

No I wouldn't, not even sure if I want kids myself so wouldn't date a guy who had them,

Mr. Denton

No thanks. Don't want to spend my time babysitting some other guys handiwork.

jambofc

it's a very hard situation,in that situation myself over 11 years now,the ex is always there always causing s##t,he has a right it's his lad but if you want peace in a relationship then i would say no,it's hard to be the man of the house kind of thing he's not mine so it's not up to me to discipline him or tell him whats acceptable or not,have been nothing but respectful to his dad but i can tell you during these 11 years ive had to walk away and bite my tongue and keep me fists for punching walls at times,i was warned and told to walk away when i met her but as we all no what the brain tells us the heart often tells us differently.

etymon

depends. If it was Brad Pitt, for example, we are talking too much baggage. If you're talking about kids who are toilet-trained, in school, don't bite etc then I guess I would if I really fancied the fella. The ex is the ex for a reason so I wouldn't be too hard on them - it's worse for them looking at you being with the dad of their kids I would have thought.

Siuin

Pherekydes wrote: »

LOL at children being described as baggage. I'll bet you won't call your own kids baggage (if you ever have any).

We can dress it up all we like, but from my point of view, if I was to date someone at 20 years old who already had children, it would be too much of a weight on the relationship and I would feel as if I was going into a situation which involved more responsibility than I was willing to undertake at my age. Children take away a lot of money and a lot of time from the partner in question (that is, if the partner is bothering to involve themselves with the child), and if they were not my biological children, I would simply not accept that. I'm in no rush to have kids and neither is my boyfriend, at least for another decade, if not more.

Obviously it worked for you, but it's not something I would consider.

orourkeda

No. The simple reason is that I dont think I could handle the "you're not my real daddy" speech I'd get when their balls start dropping and fannies start opening up.

Tubberadora

was with a girl with kids for a year before, and never again. I'd love my own someday but way too much hassle dealing with someone else's.

Malari

Nope, I'm not having my own kids, so I don't want someone else's.

conorhal

Osgoodisgood wrote: »

The ex almost certainly would be "permanently butting in" because the ex has every right to be involved in his or her children's lives in a meaningful way. If you are not mature enough to cope with this dynamic then this sort of relationship might be best avoided.

Yeah, but what if the ex isn't mature enough to cope with this dynamic?

iguana

Tubberadora wrote: »

was with a girl with kids for a year before, and never again. I'd love my own someday but way too much hassle dealing with someone else's.

That's how I feel. I went out with a man with a child before and it was just too hard. Things were way too complicated emotionally, financially, practically. It wasn't why we broke up but when we did split up, as sad as I was about the relationship ending, the relief that all that complication disappeared was intense. I knew I could never have a serious relationship with a single parent again.

stovelid

If it was a serious relationship it wouldn't stop me but I would proceed with caution. The kids can get attached to you or vice-versa and if it all goes tits-up, you'll never see them again.

up for anything

I already have enough of my own. I don't think I'd be into a proper relationship with anybody as it's difficult enough trying to raise them on my own with only a very uninvolved father for support. Looking around me, at other peoples' relationships, I would hazard a guess that another relationship would only bring me a fifth child, but not a cute, little baby, instead a sweaty, five o' clock shadowed dependent looking to replace his mother with me. :eek:

theboss80

I voted yes because I married a woman who when we met had a 3 year old girl from a previous relationship. I am the main father role in her life as her dick of a dad only sees her for 2hrs a week when he's bothered. I think of her as my own now.

Asphyxia

I guess it would depend on the situation, I wouldn't say I wont because if I really liked this person then I'd try before giving up.

Micky Dolenz

I think it's different for men and women.

A single father will probably not have the children full time and a single mother probably has.

I certainly wouldn't say a definite yes or no, it would have to be on a case by case basis.

stovelid

up for anything wrote: »

I would hazard a guess that another relationship would only bring me a fifth child, but not a cute, little baby, instead a sweaty, five o' clock shadowed dependent looking to replace his mother with me. :eek:

Bitter much?

Abi

It's simply for some and not others. My brother is in a relationship with a girl who has a son, and they've now got a child of their own. He treats the son no differently than he does his own child, I'm actually really proud of him. Usual story, the father shows up when he feels like seeing the kid. But my brother is the one that takes care of him, puts food in front of him and hugs and kisses him. It won't be long before the child isn't arsed about having his father in his life, if thats his attitude.

I personally wouldn't have an issue with it. If I was asked the same question in my early twenties I would have seen it as an obstacle perhaps. Though in my thirties I'd be more accepting of it because most of the people around my age will have seen a bit of life, may have already had kids of their own. Though as Stove said, it's not something to be entered into lightly.

Single parents have to be careful of the choices they make, and make sure there isn't constantly new partners in the home. Children need consistancy, and to feel happy and safe in their environment. They won't have that if there is a turn-stile instead of a front door.

Caraville

I know of people who have been in this situation, and for some it has worked out really well, whereas for others it has been very messy. I think every situation is totally different and that it's very difficult to give a simple "Yes" or "No" answer to the OP's question.

I think as I get older though in fairness the likelihood of it being something I might have to end up considering is becoming greater. I voted "I might" because I think it would totally depend on the situation- I wouldn't be happy for example to just become a mother figure for the guy's kids or to be a replacement housewife. I do want my own kids some day too, so if the guy didn't want any more beyond the ones he already has then I'd find it hard to make it work. There's a world of situations that could influence my decision.

Monkey face

I have been seeing a girl for last while who has a kid. I have never met the little girl as we wanted to make sure that we really liked each other and now that it is kinda serious with each other it is inevitable I will meet her soon, but the little girl is 8 and surely it will be difficult for her to accept me in any capacity.

The dad died about 1.5 years ago but was never really part of her life. As sad as that is it kind of makes things a little less complicated.

Any thoughts or advice would be appreciated????

pragmatic1

Dont think so. Its too messy.

Osgoodisgood

conorhal wrote: »

Yeah, but what if the ex isn't mature enough to cope with this dynamic?

Then it would require an even more mature, understanding, conciliatory approach. The ex is going to remain a parent whether the other two adults like it or not.

stovelid

Abi wrote: »

It's simply for some and not others. My brother is in a relationship with a girl who has a son, and they've now got a child of their own. He treats the son no differently than he does his own child, I'm actually really proud of him.

My parents know a girl that was living with this guy and had three kids: one his and the two others from a previous relationship. To all intents and purposes, the two other kids - being kids - thought he was their real Da as he brought them up. When they split up, however, he would only take his own kid out and ignores the other two. What a fucker.

Caraville

Monkey face wrote: »

the little girl is 8 and surely it will be difficult for her to accept me in any capacity.

Not necessarily- she could be more than willing to accept a new male figure in her home. I think the most important thing though is to take everything a step at a time and realise that some days she might be delighted to have you around and other days she might not. She'll have her odd days.

Ask her mother what her daughter is interested in so that you can meet her on a common ground- TV shows, sports, music etc.

Monkey face

pragmatic1 wrote: »

Dont think so. Its too messy.

Ye, but I really like her and I have seen and heard laods about the little girl and she sounds amazing.

I actually think it might be the best decision I will ever make. I was brought up by a step Dad so I know what it is like.......but I was much younger than 8 when that all started!

Joey the lips

imo this poll could actually tell you a lot about boardsies....

As time progresses in life it will be impossible for you not to be involved with someone with a past....

Unless your lucky enough to be 80 named hugh and have a pleter of birds named Candy, Hoover and Philipa....

curlzy

Been there, done that. NEVER AGAIN:eek:

Abi

stovelid wrote: »

My parents know a girl that was living with this guy and had three kids: one his and the two others from a previous relationship. To all intents and purposes, the two other kids - being kids - thought he was their real Da as he brought them up. When they split up, however, he would only take his own kid out and ignores the other two. What a fucker.

That is bad form. How the hell you explain that to a kid like. I'd say they feel so rejected, not right =/

stovelid

Joey the lips wrote: »

imo this poll could actually tell you a lot about boardsies....

As time progresses in life it will be impossible for you not to be involved with someone with a past....

Unless your lucky enough to be 80 named hugh and have a pleter of birds named Candy, Hoover and Philipa....

Just probably reflects the demographic of AH. Obviously the older you get, you have to become more amenable to the fact that available, quality people might have kids if you're still looking for a partner.

stovelid

Abi wrote: »

That is bad form. How the hell you explain that to a kid like. I'd say they feel so rejected, not right =/

Would no doubt cause friction between siblings too. Incredible stuff.

Witchie

Monkey face wrote: »

I have been seeing a girl for last while who has a kid. I have never met the little girl as we wanted to make sure that we really liked each other and now that it is kinda serious with each other it is inevitable I will meet her soon, but the little girl is 8 and surely it will be difficult for her to accept me in any capacity.

The dad died about 1.5 years ago but was never really part of her life. As sad as that is it kind of makes things a little less complicated.

Any thoughts or advice would be appreciated????

Don't try to be her daddy. Be her mothers partner and support her while allowing the little girl to adjust to the situation.

I am divorced with 2 teenage sons and they have in over 10 years only known about 3 of my relationships, only been involved in the first one. They were young at the time 3 & 6 , but it was a serious one and guy had asked me to marry him. I told him I needed to get divorce first and then his mum interfered telling him he didn't need that kinda baggage and he dumped me. My kids were devastated. That's why I never introduced them to a bf again.

Now they are almost adults its different and I told them I was seeing someone but its over now. I would never expect someone to step in as a father to them and their dad doesn't interfere in our lives so its much more straight forward now.

CrazyRabbit

Depends on the kid(s), and how many there are.

If they are bastards, or if there was more than 3 then no.

Other than that, it wouldn't affect my decision.

stupidusername

Dovies wrote: »

Depends on your age. You will find as you get older a lot of people have children so your 'sea' turns into a 'pond'

my sea is a feckin puddle, i'd still have to really really like the guy to consider it.

Riesen_Meal

Monkey face wrote: »

I have been seeing a girl for last while who has a kid. I have never met the little girl as we wanted to make sure that we really liked each other and now that it is kinda serious with each other it is inevitable I will meet her soon, but the little girl is 8 and surely it will be difficult for her to accept me in any capacity.

The dad died about 1.5 years ago but was never really part of her life. As sad as that is it kind of makes things a little less complicated.

Any thoughts or advice would be appreciated????

Hey man,

I'm in a not to dissimilar situation, my partner has 2 children from a previous relationship, we were seeing each other about 5 months before we decided that things had to move to the next level, and waited that long before I met them, funny though, I never thought I would stick with any girl with children that were not mine but if your happy with her and everything is good well go for it!

My partner's ex is a good dad and I have no issue with him, he has a bit of a chip on his shoulder towards me but that is to be expected at the moment, I know hand on my heart that I have treated his kids well and I think he knows that I'm not just some random bloke she met last week but he is wary of me...

If you need any advice ill try and help just send me a pm...