Ghost From the Past

Wompa1

Think it will just help to put this on here and see what peoples reactions are. I feel really bad about this now.

So the first girl I ever loved just started contacting me again after over 4 years of silence. It was a short relationship and was my first proper relationship in my eyes. It only lasted 4 months because she went away to Scotland for the summer and I started my job after college.

Through out the 4 months she kept saying she didn't want to get feelings for me and she was leaving etc. There was an incident when I was walking through town with my arm around her and we met a girl she knew, she physically throw my arm off her and later explained it was her ex's sister and the ex suffered from depression blah blah. There was also an incident when I met her sister for the first time and the sister had a good laugh and told me the g/f wouldn't tell anyone where she lived that was she was seeing me. I took all that as meaning she's just not that into being with me.

So summer came and she left. We'd send each other the odd text and would talk to each other maybe once a week. Then one morning I woke up to 2 text messages she sent me, 1 sent around 3:30am saying she got pinned to a wall by a guy and was really scared and another around 5:30am giving off hell to me and her saying she was a useless piece of sh!t and of course I wouldn't care. I assumed the second was because I didn't reply to the first or so I thought. Anyway I text her the next day after work to see if she was ok. She then called me and told me we shouldn't text or call each other any more. I took this as her deciding I was weighing her down and she never really wanted me anyway, with me not being there when it happened she realized I couldn't be the person she needed.

What actually happened according to her. After she sent the first text she called me in distress..I don't remember this happening at all but if I answered I would have been still asleep. So she says I answered and she told me what happened and I was saying she needs to keep her guard up and not everybody is a friend before saying I can't really hear you, I'll talk to you tomorrow and hung up...she also said when she told me not to call or text any more she expected me to call again. That me not calling or texting showed I didn't care.

This has knocked me for six. I've always thought when you break up you do not contact the person because you can't get over someone if you are in touch with each other. I was devestated and didn't get with anybody else for a year afterwards because I didn't feel up to it. What other relationships ended with me thinking the completely wrong thing? Have I lost other loves just down to me trying to do the no contact thing? She broke up with me...why don't people ever say what they actually think or mean!?!

Justask

Its us woman, we dont know what we want and when we get what we think we want we change our minds :rolleyes::rolleyes:;););)

Not to be taken seriously...:D

LegacyUser

Justask wrote: »

Its us woman, we dont know what we want and when we get what we think we want we change our minds :rolleyes::rolleyes:;););)

In fairness, thats a silly comment. People of either sex are prone to this when it comes to matters of the heart. :rollseyes:

Sorry to hear this OP It really must have knocked you for six. Just goes to show honesty is the best policy doesnt it? A lot of people dont fight enough for their relationships. Wonder if my ex is included in that statistic...

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Wompa1

Justask wrote: »

Its us woman, we dont know what we want and when we get what we think we want we change our minds :rolleyes::rolleyes:;););)

Not to be taken seriously...:D

I didn't say women. I said people...Apparently I'm the one that got away according to her. So maybe it's a sex thing in that she expected me as a guy to do the chasing after her?

Or not, I'm not sure. She got really angry with me, which seemed weird after 4 years. It's as though she's been holding a grudge against me for 4 years for something I didn't realize I even did because I was sleeping!

Even though I've told her this her reaction is once I heard she was in trouble I should have sprung to attention and been concerned. When I answer the phone in bed I'm not really listening to what the person is saying. I'd hear every third or fourth word to make it seem like I'm not just fobbing them off.

She's still pissed at me and from her perspective I can see why she is. Is there anything other than apologizing that I can do to show I'm sorry. She's not very accepting of my apology because she's angry

Forever Hopeful

Wompa1 wrote: »

Even though I've told her this her reaction is once I heard she was in trouble I should have sprung to attention and been concerned. When I answer the phone in bed I'm not really listening to what the person is saying. I'd hear every third or fourth word to make it seem like I'm not just fobbing them off.

She's still pissed at me and from her perspective I can see why she is. Is there anything other than apologizing that I can do to show I'm sorry. She's not very accepting of my apology because she's angry

OP - First off this girl sounds melodramatic but the above does stand out. She's in trouble, she calls you and you 'hear every third or fourth word to make is seem like you are not fobbing them off.' She doesn't see you as reliable.

However, after 4 years and she's still making drama. Do you really want to have that in your life?

gargleblaster

I don't think you have that much to worry about. She seems like she was expecting a lot, and not being very understanding once you did explain. And at the time, she didn't even give you a chance to explain, she just made assumptions and then played head games.

You are right, not calling is normal after break ups. She sounds like she's bought into all the game-playing nonsense that so many people swear by.

You might point out to her that part of the reason you didn't put up much of a fight after she initiated the break up is that she was throwing your arm off her, not telling anyone she was dating you, etc. This gave you an impression that she wasn't that into you, and fair enough you could have asked her about it but what's done is done. She can either see that you both made mistakes and let it go or not, but if I were you I wouldn't waste much time worrying about whether or not you'd lost any other loves inadvertently. If someone is into those games (dumping someone and expecting to be chased in this case), then you're better off without them in my opinion. You just have to hope that those people were honest and open with you, and know that you did the best you could with that information.

It's also very odd that she's still this angry about this incident after 4 years.

thefeatheredcat

Wompa1 wrote: »

So the first girl I ever loved just started contacting me again after over 4 years of silence.

^^ This is more worrying to me than the two sides of the situation Wompa.

If she's back in your life after 4 years of no contact, looking to lay blame and be angry towards you, she's not worth the time and energy as she's obviously looking for something in contacting you after 4 years. And it's already having an effect on you, because you sound a lot more doubtful of yourself than you usually do and second guessing yourself in your relationships.

I find the situation confusing to read anyway although it seems like playing hard to get/game playing? I don't know myself, but look, it's in the past, you can't change what happened or any actions you took or in her eyes, failed to take.

It sounds like she has something to resolve herself but is wrong in trying now to lay blame on your doorstep about the situation, she has to accept responsibility for her actions too, in sending mixed signals about what she wanted/expected you to do (and the situation that happened in looking for care/concern from you perhaps while perhaps being unhappy where she was and with the people?) and will have to face up to the responsibility of laying blame/guilt on you now.

Don't second guess yourself... and in saying that, she hasn't been in your life for 4 years, is it really worth it to have her in contact with you now? If she's still angry with you or has held a grudge for 4 years about it, well, the problem lies with her, not you imo, regardless of what happened in that situation that the texts and calls were about. I'd advise cut contact whatever means you can, and don't let someone from your past shake your happy present.

Wompa1

For a bit of clarity on the whole melodramatic statement. She just got out of a long term relationship so I'd say she's pretty all over the place in general. When she told me that I encouraged her to contact me and reach out to me as I know how tough it can be to talk to people around you about things. Like me, she says her friends are sick of hearing about it so I figure I could at least off someone to sound off at about things..didn't expect it to turn into being about our relationship though.

Wibbs

Jeez Wompa1 she reads like a major headmelter to me.

Wompa1 wrote: »

This has knocked me for six. I've always thought when you break up you do not contact the person because you can't get over someone if you are in touch with each other.

Good advice in the majority of cases IMHO. Many a person has had their heads wrecked by going down the "lets be friends" road.

Have I lost other loves just down to me trying to do the no contact thing?

Nope. Not in my humble W. Indeed if I was to advise someone who wanted to reverse a breakup the very first thing I'd tell them is to agree with what the other person said and agree to the breakup and then go off the radar. People want what they can't have and they really really want what they thought they had but now don't. It also gives them a chance to think about you and miss the good things about you. Hanging around like a bad smell with a usually all too obvious vibe of wanting them back is game over for the most part. I've actually advised this stuff to mates and it worked way more than it didn't. To make it stick is another thing.

Secondly and even more importantly, you won't lose love if it's there. IMHO if someone loves you 99,9999 times out of 100 they'll stick around. No matter how off the radar you'll go if they love you, they'll seek you out. Imagine yourself in the position of doing the dumping. OK? Now imagine they go off radar. Then imagine you realised how much you loved them and what a mistake you'd made. How far would you go to get in contact with them? So basically W don't be bashing yourself over the head over that.

She broke up with me...why don't people ever say what they actually think or mean!?!

All sorts of reasons. They don't want confrontation for themselves so sweeten the pill. "Lets be mates" is often one of the signs of that(more than its not IMH). Many times they don't say what they actually think or mean because they actually don't know or aren't sure what they actually think or mean at the time. A common one runs like this(and I've found this example more in the ladies). You're with someone for a few years. You love them, but you have your ups and downs and one day you just don't feel as attracted to them sexually/romantically. You still love them, even love them deeply with your heart and head, but the groin is lagging behind. You find yourself looking at others and can't quite square that with how you feel about your partner. This equals confusion. Also how do you spell that out to your soon to be ex partner? Not easy, so it's easier to come up with all sorts of "reasons" to split and because you do still love them but not in "that way", you don't want to lose them from your life either. This equals confusion in the one getting the heave ho.

She just got out of a long term relationship so I'd say she's pretty all over the place in general. When she told me that I encouraged her to contact me and reach out to me as I know how tough it can be to talk to people around you about things. Like me, she says her friends are sick of hearing about it so I figure I could at least off someone to sound off at about things

OK but my 3 cents would be that you're making slight excuses for her behaviour. Yes you feel bad for her, but you're not her keeper and if there's any chance you see a wayback into going out with her again you're open to being used. Especially if she's just come out of a long termer(quadruple that if she was the one dumped this time. I suspect she was?).

It's up to you, but I figure if I want drama I pick up a season ticket to the Abbey.

metrovelvet

People want something. They get it. They dont want it anymore. They get rid of it. And then they want what they had.

Why dont people say what they mean? Well sometimes they do and sometimes they dont know what they mean and then there is revisionism where the meaning all changes in retrospect.

None of this is neither here nor there though. Instead of trying to figure her out, figure YOU out and what you want.

Wompa1

Wibbs wrote: »

Jeez Wompa1 she reads like a major headmelter to me. Good advice in the majority of cases IMHO. Many a person has had their heads wrecked by going down the "lets be friends" road.
Nope. Not in my humble W. Indeed if I was to advise someone who wanted to reverse a breakup the very first thing I'd tell them is to agree with what the other person said and agree to the breakup and then go off the radar. People want what they can't have and they really really want what they thought they had but now don't. It also gives them a chance to think about you and miss the good things about you. Hanging around like a bad smell with a usually all too obvious vibe of wanting them back is game over for the most part. I've actually advised this stuff to mates and it worked way more than it didn't. To make it stick is another thing.

Secondly and even more importantly, you won't lose love if it's there. IMHO if someone loves you 99,9999 times out of 100 they'll stick around. No matter how off the radar you'll go if they love you, they'll seek you out. Imagine yourself in the position of doing the dumping. OK? Now imagine they go off radar. Then imagine you realised how much you loved them and what a mistake you'd made. How far would you go to get in contact with them? So basically W don't be bashing yourself over the head over that.

All sorts of reasons. They don't want confrontation for themselves so sweeten the pill. "Lets be mates" is often one of the signs of that(more than its not IMH). Many times they don't say what they actually think or mean because they actually don't know or aren't sure what they actually think or mean at the time. A common one runs like this(and I've found this example more in the ladies). You're with someone for a few years. You love them, but you have your ups and downs and one day you just don't feel as attracted to them sexually/romantically. You still love them, even love them deeply with your heart and head, but the groin is lagging behind. You find yourself looking at others and can't quite square that with how you feel about your partner. This equals confusion. Also how do you spell that out to your soon to be ex partner? Not easy, so it's easier to come up with all sorts of "reasons" to split and because you do still love them but not in "that way", you don't want to lose them from your life either. This equals confusion in the one getting the heave ho.

OK but my 3 cents would be that you're making slight excuses for her behaviour. Yes you feel bad for her, but you're not her keeper and if there's any chance you see a wayback into going out with her again you're open to being used. Especially if she's just come out of a long termer(quadruple that if she was the one dumped this time. I suspect she was?).

It's up to you, but I figure if I want drama I pick up a season ticket to the Abbey.

I have no desire to get back with her at all, at all. I've changed since we broke up as I'm sure she has. It took me a long time to get over her, I am not going back to that after working so hard to forget about her. I was just disappointed that seemingly I was to blame for it all without knowing.

I want to get the hell out of Ireland and start fresh. I was just trying to be nice, I figured she could use me for venting and I could use her for venting my crap. Like she said, friends get tired of talking to you about ex's all the time. It's easier to have somebody who is going through the same thing

Wibbs

I'd say W that in most cases IME someone who blames the other entirely for a breakup needs to look in their own mirror. It's nearly always a two way thing. Looking back on my own life, there were times after I got dumped I was all "that ungrateful bitch" and the like and was putting myself up for sainthood but with just one exception(who was a nutcase) I certainly had a part big and small to play. Like I say I defo wouldn't beat yourself up about it on that score.

Moomoo1

Wibbs wrote: »

You're with someone for a few years. You love them, but you have your ups and downs and one day you just don't feel as attracted to them sexually/romantically. You still love them, even love them deeply with your heart and head, but the groin is lagging behind. You find yourself looking at others and can't quite square that with how you feel about your partner. This equals confusion. Also how do you spell that out to your soon to be ex partner?

You tell them 'I am not feeling attracted to you and I want to look for a new partner'.

I am a friend

Wompa1 wrote: »

just started contacting me again after over 4 years of silence.

She contacts you to melt your brain about rubbish like this - tell her to hump off.... Why is she playing games with you now and why are you taking it from her. She sounds like a bit of a looney to be honest..

Wompa1

I am a friend wrote: »

She contacts you to melt your brain about rubbish like this - tell her to hump off.... Why is she playing games with you now and why are you taking it from her. She sounds like a bit of a looney to be honest..

I reckon if she can't keep a civil tongue with me going forward I'll just tell her to feck off again.

I am a friend

Wompa1 wrote: »

I reckon if she can't keep a civil tongue with me going forward I'll just tell her to feck off again.

You are absolutely within your rights... Its fair enough reading you the riot act at the time but 4 years later ....

She is taking her bad humour / dislike of men / issue with her recent relationship break up out on you and its not on..