When is it okay to interfere in someone else's relationship?

LegacyUser

My twin brother has been going out with a girl for 7 years.

He's 28, a really decent guy, always giving his last cents to those in need, helps everyone out, goes out of his way to do the right thing. He's my best friend and we do most stuff together.

She's 26 and I don't suppose we got off on great footing. The first night I met her, a year into their relationship, she was falling on the floor in a quiet bar owned by a family member, with my family there. She came up to me demanding I give her some acid and ecstasy, roaring about it with everyone watching. I don't do drugs, my brother didn't do drugs before meeting her, and I'm told by her sister that she never did drugs in her life but sometimes gets a bit "silly" when drunk and tries to show off..

Later the same night she told me she hated me, but couldn't give me reason why.

My family were all present on the night when the above incidents took place but chose not to judge her based on this.

She started staying weekends at our homeplace and would go straight up to my brother's room, choosing not to even say hello to anyone in my family. In time my parents came to dislike her for making zero effort. She would spend the entire weekend hiding in his room, he'd go to work and she would remain in his room. She would eat the fridge out but never offer to replace food for my parents. She would drink all of their Christmas drink but never replace. She would never do the washing up, or so much as clean a knife or fork.

That still goes on up to now.

My brother's life is altered completely by her. Every time he makes plans to do something, his mind is changed by her at the last moment. She has never driven, he drives her all over the country. She never worked until 3 months ago as he seems to have been funding her life.

My brother has had a very good job since they got together. He has worked up the ranks and earns a lot of money now, but is consistently broke. The main reason for this is she lives in North Cork. He lives in the very south of Cork. She works elsewhere. He works in the same town as he lives. He drives to where she is every day to pick her up to take her to work, a journey of 60 miles, and does the same every evening, picks her up and takes her home. It's costing him a solid fortune in fuel as he drives a lorry.

She does not earn money, she was doing some kind of work experience, so he's been feeding her, etc. For the years previous, she's just been fully dependent on him also.

She rarely attends family weddings/funerals/etc, she's come to one wedding where she spent the entire night nagging him to leave. She seems to have zero personality.

In the 7 years she's been with my twin and best friend, I have spoken to her in total twice. I've tried many more times though given up quite a while ago. I would ask how she is and she would ignore me and call my brother's name telling him she wants to go, or she'd walk away. She seems to do this to everyone (friends/family/neighbours/co-workers) except her own small circle of friends. On facebook, she's the biggest personality around, hundreds of friends and she'll come write witty remarks to me on my wall but won't speak to me in person.

She regularly makes status updates full of lies, such as recently when I watched her lying on the couch watching TV, meanwhile she updates on facebook about how "hammered" she is on a whiskey binge.

As of Friday, she emigrates to Europe for "fun, parties and hopefully work".

She's told my brother from day 1 that she finds his job embarrassing. It's a straight collar business job, and never suited a party girl. As of last week, she convinced him to pack it in, so he did. He has gone and resigned from his job after she spent weeks telling him to get something more 'arty and fun'.

He does not have the money to emigrate with her as he has spent everything he has on HER flights, accommodation, etc.

He is in the process of moving back in with our parents as he can't afford rent.

He was considering getting a job in the same country as her but has now ruled that out.

They plan to have a long distance relationship for the next several years and hopefully she will make money and return.

Everyone in the family has hoped he would break up with her for years and years.

It is a relationship going nowhere. She has never so much as bought him lunch. He is constantly showering her with gifts.
She is probably a good looking girl though I can't see anything past her lack of personality.

I have tried years ago mentioning to my brother that I didn't think they were suited but he didn't take it well.

Now, with her being far away, all he is focused on is getting cash together to fly to her at weekends. He regrets quitting his great job but thinks if it makes her happy, that's great.

If she doesn't get her way, she will ignore him for days and it seems to really get to him.

He's spend years of his life wasting money on this woman, IMO.

She couldn't give a crap about him, constantly posting pics with other men, etc. This is his first and only relationship. Three months into it, she admitted she hadn't got around to ending her previous relationship yet and it took a few more months before she did.

She doesn't want him to move to where she's going from what I can see, with hourly facebook updates about how wonderful it is to have a fresh new start on her own, etc. But she won't end the relationship as he is set on sending her money to fund her life abroad.

It's a mess, and he's now 28, I feel he's missed out on so many valuable relationships and fun years with friends.

He recently told me that they've not yet discussed the future, marriage, kids or any other serious stuff, which is strange after 7 years together!

I want to talk to him, but I don't want to fall out with him again over this. Is there anything I can do? Has anyone been in a similar situation?

Up to now, everyone has stayed out of it as it's his life, his choice, but seeing him pack his great job in on the spur of the moment has shocked all of his family. He loved the job just a few weeks ago but it's like this woman has him brainwashed, I overheard her continually mocking the job, to their friends in front of him, telling him he should get something with less commitment, advising him to go on the dole for a few years as he's paid enough tax so he should get something back from the country.

He's from a good well to do family, he never had an attitude of getting freebies from the state where that's how she gets by and she was already looking up social welfare opportunities in the country she's moving to. She's been saving her dole for years while her life was paid for by my brother.

Can I hope this will fizzle out with long distance, or do I stand by and watch my brother spend his dole money on flights to visit her to buy her gifts/food/etc...??

Thanks

Gilda Fortune

She is by the sounds of her a parasite. A succubus.

But your brother has enabled her to be this way for far too long, its hard to feel sympathy for him as an outsider looking in. he has allowed himself to be treated like a doormat. and he has allowed it to happen probably based on her looks. and ultimately this makes him come across as shallow.

some issues you mentioned about her going to his room, eating from the fridge and drinking beer etc. He allowed her to do these things. He allowed her to disrespcet your family. Long ago these issues should have been sorted by your parents laying down groundrules and your brother manning up and maintaining ur parents wishes.

issues like him driving her - sounds mad to me but thats personal choice and a decision between the two of them to decide

Her working - again she sounds lazy but its his choice

as for him quitting his job - all his own doing. he presumably is educated and knows right from wrong. is there any chance he could beg for his job back?

her emigrating - prob best thing that will ever happen to him if she meets someone new. and by the sounds of her she will.

Even the way you outline this story makes your brother sound like a victim. stop enabling him! he is a grown man. get tough and get angry and tell him his an idiot for quitting his job and for sticking with this bird.

Neyite

I dont think you need to interfere to be honest. She is a leech, which is grand when the money is flowing her way, but now that he is broke, she will probably move on to richer pastures to fund her lifestyle. Why set yourself up to be the bad guy here when its a matter of time before she finds someone who can pay her way and your brother can see her for what she really is by himself.

Kevin Duffy

To answer your thread title - never. Unless one of the parties is mentally impaired (to a greater extent than the rest of the population) and is being taken advantage of, it's not your business to interfere. Some night, step between a rowing couple and see what happens, you'll get an object lesson in not interfering.

You had a conversation with your brother and expressed your views, he didn't like it and didn't listen, you can leave it now, a second go will achieve nothing but create tension between you and him. He's seen what she's like for years and stuck with her, that's his own problem, not yours.

Elle Collins

worried bro wrote: »

I have tried years ago mentioning to my brother that I didn't think they were suited but he didn't take it well.

This is where you made your mistake OP. You set up a 'her vs us' situation when you first made that statement. No doubt she got wind of it too, which would explain why she'll have feck all to do with your family.

I don't know what to advise you except to let the cards fall where they may. You cannot make your brothers decisions for him, and that is just a fact of life. Hopefully she'll meet someone else abroad and that'll be the end of this nonsense.

Boskowski

Leave it alone, like the others said now he's got no money and she's gone to Europe the situation will unravel itself sooner or later.

But on a general note...: OMG

premierlass

Gilda Fortune wrote: »

her emigrating - prob best thing that will ever happen to him if she meets someone new. and by the sounds of her she will.

I have a hunch you won't be hearing from her again now that your brother has set up her new lifestyle unless she loses her job or splits up with her new victim or whatever. The best thing you can do is encourage your brother to get out and meet some decent people. Hopefully that'll help to blow the cobwebs away and make him take a hard look at himself and what he willingly put up with.

LegacyUser

She didn't get wind of how the family felt about her, everyone went out of their way to welcome her but she snubbed us all time and time again, my mother was wonderful to her for years, even still she tries really hard with her but the girlfriend won't even say hello when they meet in a shop or such, she'll dart the other way and avoid.

My brother is not at all shallow, he's a timid nervous guy, but he was bullied for years, all the way through school, and seems to have been taken aback that any girl would be interested in him, he believes what he has is love, though he has nothing else to compare to.
I've lived my life a lot more through my single years where he was banned from hanging out with friends regularly and not allowed to go on lads trips away, etc.

To be honest, I see this as a type of bullying scenario again, she comes out with the most ridiculous requests and orders and I know he is totally wrong for going along with it, but it's like he knows no different. He went from being the child bullied all the way through school to getting into a relationship where someone assumes the bully role again and tells him what to do to get by.

It's frustrating to watch. He thinks she's helped him through his issues and 'fixed him'.

I know people here will not understand the situation with him fully, they will inevitably blame him as the bad guy, but I find the whole thing a bit worrying.

He has already hinted at begging his job back and been told where to go, boss is disgusted with him for packing it in like that.

But I get what you're all saying, there is nothing I can do, it's up to him to sort his own life out. Just hard to watch I guess..

Ticktactoe

Your brother is his own worst enemy. Eventhough it is his first relationship that doesn't mean that common sense should go out the window. She has also disrespected you and your family. He is not standing up to her.

You need to stay out of it as relationships like this never last and you can remain the 'good' brother. It would be better if your brother realised this sooner than later.

LegacyUser

Ticktactoe wrote: »

Your brother is his own worst enemy. Eventhough it is his first relationship that doesn't mean that common sense should go out the window. She has also disrespected you and your family. He is not standing up to her.

You need to stay out of it as relationships like this never last and you can remain the 'good' brother. It would be better if your brother realised this sooner than later.

We all thought, stay out of it, it won't last, yet here we are 7 years later watching him print out possible flights for the next bunch of weekends which he will fly over to her to visit. Even though he has no money at the mo. It's sickening.

gargleblaster

That is so depressing to read. I hope he realizes soon that he deserves a real relationship, and not just being someone's servant. If he still hasn't caught on by now it may have to wait till she finds someone new that she'd prefer to abuse.

LegacyUser

Hi Op,

Probably not the answer you need but I'll try to offer some good advice from personal experience.

First off, it never helps to interfere, you ahve the best intentions and are probably in the right but when you interfere you come off worst.

I have a best friend in a similar situation, he's changed so much, he drops plans at a moments notice, has to spend every last second doing what she wants and she is literally bleeding him dry. She gets everything she wants and she knows if he refuses all she has to do is threaten to break up with him and he'll just buy her more stuff.

Its sad to see your friend like that so a twin brother must be awful.

Thing is, when a guy is infatuated with a girl, it has a strange effect on him, he only wants to see the good. Whn you say anything it will always get back to her and you'll come off badly.

To be honest I think this might have to play out, its obvious she wants to go off have fun. If he's moving home he's obviously strapped for cash right now and if she's sending her money he's just gonna be flat broke, time will come when he just has to say no to her out of necessity, she won't like it anymore not having a free ride. It'll be tough for him but better you are there for him.

In my case, my friend knows Im not a big fan of his girl and even though she gives him a terrible time, he often says that she tells him not to end things with her as that means that I am just getting my way and am plotting against them, its a bit crazy but thats what she has him thinking.

I think you might have to let it play out and be supportive of him. Its sucks big time, but interfering never comes off well for the person interfering.

nesbitt

Concentrate on strengthening your friendship with your twin brother again. Do not talk about his relationship unless he brings it up and then say to him that whilst you understand and can even advise him ultimately he has to sort out his own issues.

Socialise with your brother, talk to him, share time together but do not get into any discussion about the relationship.

Be there for him when he needs you and help him learn from this abusive relationship in due course. As others have said perhaps the relationship will end soon enough when the 'user' cannot get the lifestyle paid for any more.

Talk to your family too and strenghten yourself in all this, not easy to stand back and let a loved one hurt themselves so willingly.

Ainekav

I disagree with everyone and think he should interfere, possibly along with one other trusted member of the family, or better yet, a friend, and give it one last shot for the sake of his brother...

Just make sure you go about it the right way and tell him that you are telling him this because you care about him. It sounds like his self esteem is quite low from this tramp, you're gonna need to be there for him when she dumps him.

I'd give it another shot if it were me.

Good luck

Ainekav

And the reason I'm saying that I think he should give it another go is that if after 7 years she hasnt got sick of him and he hasnt copped on, then it sounds like he needs a major intervention. As they say in the states...

I am a friend

I dont agree at all - I think you need to talk to him and tell him your reservations. This is so toxic... He left his job for her, what would he do if she dumped him????

Talk to him - you have a duty to as his brother and if he has an issue with you then all of the family can back you up. Its worth a go.

Millicent

I think some people are being a little harsh on the OP's brother for letting her away with this behaviour. To be honest, this sounds like a classic abusive relationship, especially the cutting him off from friends and family. If a guy was acting in the same way, I think some of the reactions would be different. Just because she's a woman, doesn't mean what's she's doing is not abusive.

She sounds like an absolute weapon but you may not do yourselves any favours letting him know this, OP. As other have said, showing him some better alternatives may help it click in his head that it's not a normal relationship. Try and build his confidence in her absence and keep being there for him. Sounds like he'll need it.

LegacyUser

Millicent wrote: »

I think some people are being a little harsh on the OP's brother for letting her away with this behaviour. To be honest, this sounds like a classic abusive relationship, especially the cutting him off from friends and family. If a guy was acting in the same way, I think some of the reactions would be different. Just because she's a woman, doesn't mean what's she's doing is not abusive.

She sounds like an absolute weapon but you may not do yourselves any favours letting him know this, OP. As other have said, showing him some better alternatives may help it click in his head that it's not a normal relationship. Try and build his confidence in her absence and keep being there for him. Sounds like he'll need it.

I agree completely. It amazes me how people react so differently when the abused partner is a male compared to if the OP had made a thread about his sister and a controlling boyfriend.

Men can be abused and controlled too, and the OP's brother's case sounds like a classic example of this.

I am amazed that everyone has advised the OP not to speak up.

OP, I think the total opposite. I think you and your family owe it to your brother to speak up and stop this going on for another 7 years! He's wasted enough of his life already and it doesn't sound like he's going to change how he feels about her without some outside help!

username123

OP - I think you and your family should sit your brother down and calmly explain what you see going on. Dont get into a 'she is a weapon', simply point out the various bad behaviours and explain that you are worried about him.

LegacyUser

this girl sounds absolutely vile.

your poor brother obviously has massive confidence issues but I fear that if you bring it up with him along with another family member, you could just end up pushing him more towards her as he leans on her for support. Let's face it: if you sit down and express everything you feel about her, he will tell her and if she gets wind she will tell him what to do next: which if she is as horrible as you say she is, could be anything.

I think you need to show him how good life is without her right now- if anything, her moving away is a great opportunity to be independent.

Furthermore, as a bit of an expert on long term long distance realtionships (also 7 years- and 3 bouts of it), I know that it takes a very solid, secure realtionship to last the distance. If anhything, this girl may not want her gentle, quiet boyfriend on the dole following her around while she's living it up abroad. And if he is the one paying for all the flights there, trust me, bitterness grows, it takes 2 to tango on this one.

You could sit there and wait for them to split up, but I think you need to let your brother make and learn form his own mistakes. If you interfere, you will become another person he is dependant on. Show him a good time and show him how much his family and friends love him for being himself.