My boyfriend doesn't want to attend my sister's wedding

LegacyUser

My sister got engaged earlier this year, and recently she and her fiance set the date for next summer. Though they haven't issued the invitations yet, I told my boyfriend when the wedding would be so that he could keep the date in mind - he job is a little inflexible in terms of holidays, and I thought that the sooner he knew the more likely it would be that he'd be able to attend (the wedding is going to be in England).

However, he has told me that he doesn't really want to come to the wedding. He has assured me that it's not that he doesn't like my family, it's just that he doesn't like big family events and suchlike. I'm feeling a bit hurt by it though. It would be different if it was a birthday party or something, I wouldn't mind that so much, but this is my only sister's wedding, and it would mean so much to me if he would at least make an effort to come along. We've been together for nearly five years, and otherwise our relationship is fine, so I don't think it's me being premature asking him to keep the date free.

I've sort of talked to my mother about it, but I was too embarrassed to say that he doesn't want to come - I just said that he's not sure that he'll be able to get the time off work, and how disappointed I am. She has suggested two things - firstly, that he isn't as family-oriented as I am, so he might not realise how important this is to me; secondly, he may be worried about relatives asking questions about when he'll make an honest woman out of me, but I think that's unlikely as my brothers aren't married yet and they're older than me. I don't really feel like either of those are good enough explanations.

Am I right to be a bit hurt that he's just flatly refused to go at this stage? Or am I putting too much significance in what is just one day?

ananas

You're not wrong in being upset. It's a big family occasion and when you've been together with your boyfriend as long as you have, all you'll hear all day long is "Where is your boyfriend today, why isn't he here?"

My bf HATES all family do's but he goes because he knows how much it would hurt me if he didn't go. It's not enough that he isn't comfortable with going to events, he has to suck it up! It's your only sisters wedding and if he doesn't go, it'll be a dark cloud hanging over the day for you. In my honest opinion, I think he's being really selfish.

I am a friend

Yeah I think he is being extremely selfish here. V bad form.

lazygal

Part of being in a relationship means sucking it up every once in a while. I'm not mad about my father in law, but I go for Sunday lunch and invite the inlaws to our home fairly often. Likewise, my husband is sick of weddings, all his friends are married but mine are just at the getting married stage, but he loves me so he comes with me.

I think its a bit selfish of him to refuse to go. What if you two decide to get married, will he dictate its a very small day because HE doesn't want a large crowd? He needs to compromise, like another poster said you will be facing into a day of "where is himself".

Elle Collins

Sorry OP, I know this is not what you want to hear, but it'd be big red flags for me if I was in your shoes.

I think what he's doing is utterly selfish and I'd question how much a man cared about me if he was prepared to have me spend my only sisters wedding listening to questions about his whereabouts.

Doesn't like family occasions my arse - lots of us don't like family occasions (weddings in particular) - what you do if you love your partner is you suck it up and show your face, preferably with a smile on it, even if you have to plaster it on.

Miss Fluff

Tbh I'd be furious but pretty hurt too. He should just suck it up.

If it's in the UK why don't you suggest a mini-break and make a long weekend of it? So keep one day free for the wedding but then both of you go off and do your own thing for a couple of days.

You need to tell him how important it is to you that he comes with you.

Beruthiel

Miss Fluff wrote: »

Tbh I'd be furious but pretty hurt too. He should just suck it up.

Yup.
It's one thing if it was your friends wedding, but this is your sister!
How the hell could he not get that this is important?
Does he not understand that as he is now part of your family, he should attend with you?

I am a friend

Do you attend his family stuff?

I would also not be running to my mother with my relationship issues esp if you think you will be with him long term. The Mammy wont forget if he upsets you and will / could hold it against him in the future which wont make things easy for you.

I think once we are over 18 we handle our relationship issues within the relationship but definitely not get family involved.

IrishEyes19

could it be a money issue with him or does he have debts perhaps he hasnt told you about. There could be more to this than meets the eye

7Sins

Very selfish of him. Everyone knows the trauma, embarrassment, loneliness et cetera that comes with attending wedding by yourself, he should be there for you at least.

kingelmo

OP, your right to be upset, its quiet selfish - its not like your not giving him enough notice.

But if it makes you any better my OH is the exact same, any time i tell him that we have anything coming me he sulks and acts like a child and he wont go. It makes me feel like **** not going to family stuff and my boyfriend of 5 years not being there and everyone asking where he is!! It really sucks!! This went on for everything: Debs,weddings,christenings,partys and just general nights out!! Became such a pain!! I gave into him at the start and let him at home, now i drag him by the scruff of the neck to them and he actully enjoys them now THANK GOD!!

He'll change his mind before the wedding dont worry

Chinafoot

I am a friend wrote: »

I would also not be running to my mother with my relationship issues esp if you think you will be with him long term. The Mammy wont forget if he upsets you and will / could hold it against him in the future which wont make things easy for you.

I think once we are over 18 we handle our relationship issues within the relationship but definitely not get family involved.

Jesus. She didn't go running to her mother. She mentioned that he might not get the time off and that she was upset. She didn't say "He's refusing to come." :rolleyes:

OP, if it was me I would be upset. Its your sister and it's important to you and he should respect that. As others have said, there are certain times in relationships where you just have to suck it up. This is most definitely one of those times.

Tell him that it's very important to you that he attend the wedding with you and that you're very hurt that he can't see beyond himself to consider your feelings.

squonk

OP you say everything else is grand but, to me, not going to your sister's wedding makes him sounds like a right arse. I wouldn't put up with it from an OH at all. He's in a relationship with you and your family come as part and parcel of that. That means that sometimes he's got to do the right thing, even if he doesn't feel like it. What a child!

I don't see the point of hanging around with this guy and trying to cajole and humour him into going to this wedding when straightforward common decency and cop on should have motivated him in the first place. That type of carry on would be a deal breaker for me anyway. It's enough if you've kids to have to motivate them into going to something, but not an adult male. Spoilt pr*ck. He really should be ashamed of himself and you deserve better as well.

LegacyUser

However, he has told me that he doesn't really want to come to the wedding. He has assured me that it's not that he doesn't like my family, it's just that he doesn't like big family events and suchlike.

Huh, that's a p!ss weak excuse. Most people find socialising with their in-laws boring but it's part of life and has to be done.

He has to put in an appearance whether he likes it or not. Who does he think he is? He can't have a special exemption from family events. Everyone has to suffer them, it goes with the territory of being a boyfriend or girlfriend.

If he doesn't like it he knows where the door is. He sounds spoilt and selfish.

nicechick!

amirighttobeannoyed? wrote: »

My sister got engaged earlier this year, and recently she and her fiance set the date for next summer. Though they haven't issued the invitations yet, I told my boyfriend when the wedding would be so that he could keep the date in mind - he job is a little inflexible in terms of holidays, and I thought that the sooner he knew the more likely it would be that he'd be able to attend (the wedding is going to be in England).

However, he has told me that he doesn't really want to come to the wedding. He has assured me that it's not that he doesn't like my family, it's just that he doesn't like big family events and suchlike. I'm feeling a bit hurt by it though. It would be different if it was a birthday party or something, I wouldn't mind that so much, but this is my only sister's wedding, and it would mean so much to me if he would at least make an effort to come along. We've been together for nearly five years, and otherwise our relationship is fine, so I don't think it's me being premature asking him to keep the date free.

I've sort of talked to my mother about it, but I was too embarrassed to say that he doesn't want to come - I just said that he's not sure that he'll be able to get the time off work, and how disappointed I am. She has suggested two things - firstly, that he isn't as family-oriented as I am, so he might not realise how important this is to me; secondly, he may be worried about relatives asking questions about when he'll make an honest woman out of me, but I think that's unlikely as my brothers aren't married yet and they're older than me. I don't really feel like either of those are good enough explanations.

Am I right to be a bit hurt that he's just flatly refused to go at this stage? Or am I putting too much significance in what is just one day?

You know at some stage in every relationship we'll do that will please our partners that may not necessarily appeal to us (works both ways) but as a gesture to show that they do care.

That said it is a family wedding you'll spend most of your day chatting and enjoying your family your also going to be very conscious and focussed that your sister has a fantastic day which in turn means you won't spend as much time with your partner as you'd like to think you will for me personally I think that would be fantastic!! The freedom to spend time with your family at a joyous occasion but if you feel that your day will be tinged with sadness by not having your partner there you'll just have to speak up!

LegacyUser

Your boyfriend has to attend your sister wedding. When you are part of a couple you have to attend family events even if they are not what you like.
If you go without him your relations will be asking were is he and why should he let you down like this. If it is next summer he has plenty of time to save for it.
If he continues with this and he asks you to something to something your not keen on just say no.
Tell him he is going to this wedding as he is an adult in a relationship and that you will not be answering questions to where he is.
If he continues to kick up do the following say that you are looking forward to you sister wedding next summer and that it is on such a date in front of his mother father. brothers and sisters but X won't go with me
His mother/ family will give him an earful that he won't forget.

petethebrick

What a selfish clown your boyfriend sounds like. Seriously, his attitude is like that of a 5 year old child. If I was in your situation I would dump my girlfriend if she refused to go to my siblings wedding with no valid excuse.

It's my girlfriends brothers wedding in spain later this year. We've been going out just a year, I don't speak spanish and none of her family speaks english but guess what - I'm obviously still going, have been trying to learn a little bit of spanish the past few months......

LegacyUser

I think plenty of people really dislike other people's family events. Then again, if you guys get married then your family will kind of become his. I dread these events but just push myself to go and it's okay after a few minutes of being there.

Just tell him how much it really means to you and ask him if there are any other reasons why he doesn't want to go.

My folks have been married for years and my father still dreads them.

bertsmom

Hi Op,
I realise from all the other posts that its not the norm but what my boyfriend and I do is just go to whatever family do's we actually want to go to. For example he came with me to my nieces christening but didnt fancy goin to my siblings wedding so that was grand, Likewise I didnt fancy his nephews baptism and christening so he went on his own.
I think lifes just too short to feel obliged to go to events to satisfy some one else even my nearest and dearest.
Luckily neither of us are too botherd about having a plus1 at events, Im 29 years and seeing my boyfriend over 10 years. Im big enough and bold enough to head out to stuff on my own and we both know if the OH decides to come to a family do its because they want to.
Incidently I dont think its advisable to start making up fibs to appease other people we both just say that the OH didnt fancy it and once people ae let know in plenty time I find no body has a problem with it but to be honest even if they did we wouldnt give a monkeys really.:p
My advice would be go and have a ball at your sisters wedding and leave your OH be, theres enough actual problems in relationships besides making issues out of small stuff.
Enjoy the day hope you have a brill time:D

Maple

OP hasn't been back to this thread in a couple of weeks so I'm locking it.

Maple