My mother does not like my boyfriend.

LegacyUser

I'm an only child, my parents had another child but she died soon after she was born and before I came along. They've sacrificed a lot, especially my mother, to give me the best even when it was hard. I got a good education, have a good job and have travelled the world. I came back to Ireland permanently about 5 years ago. I'd been single for a long time until I started a new job in a new town in the south east about 2 years ago. That's when I met my boyfriend.

We live together now and my parents have met him twice. My father likes him, as long as I'm happy he doesn't care but my mother doesn't. It's not that she inteferes or anything but she doesn't hide how she feels.

He has an eleven year old daughter, this is a problem for her, she'd prefer I were with someone with no children. She thinks he looks common whatever she means by that. He's a builder, has built his own house (which we live in), he's 35, a good dad, he's good to me, all about family, doesn't drink or smoke. Now he's not perfect, he has is faults and we fight but I never tell her as I feel what's the point.

We used to be close, actually I think she had a little too much influence on me but now we are not. There is a huge wedge between us. He has never done anything on her or on me to warrant this. From the first time she met him she did not like him. I understand some people get gut feelings but these can often be wrong. I can't mention him or she has a face on her, she has tried in her defence but can't get past it and I don't think she ever will.

She said she is disappointed in my choice, heart broken actually and I don't know why as he's never done anything. She says she doesn't think I'm happy but this is because there is always tension between us, I can't mention him or my life with him. I feel sad as she will miss out on so much if we're to get engaged etc If it doesn't work out between me and my OH then I will still remember this. I'm angry with her. I've been to counselling but it doesn't help.

She says she'd like to feel differently but she can't. I don't know what to do. Has anyone been in this situation? Can anyone offer any advice?

He knows how she feels about him and the last time we all met he went out of his way to be nice to her. She actually said to him 'You're growing on me'. Obviously not. She said she can't be in his company for long, well she could if he weren't with me.

I'm so tired of this. We barely talk anymore and don't see it improving.

premierlass

JensenA wrote: »

She says she'd like to feel differently but she can't. I don't know what to do. Has anyone been in this situation? Can anyone offer any advice?

He knows how she feels about him and the last time we all met he went out of his way to be nice to her. She actually said to him 'You're growing on me'. Obviously not. She said she can't be in his company for long, well she could if he weren't with me.

I'm so tired of this. We barely talk anymore and don't see it improving.

Firstly, I think the bolded is a cop-out. If she really wanted to feel differently, she would not be displaying her dislike so obviously to you and your OH. She is consciously putting pressure on you, hoping you will crack and split up with him:

She says she doesn't think I'm happy but this is because there is always tension between us, I can't mention him or my life with him.

This is manipulation, pure and simple, and a desire to control your life. He doesn't fit the image of an acceptable partner she has envisioned for you, so rather than let that go, she tries to force you to fit the mould. That's not on. Now, maybe this is an unconscious process, of course parents worry about their children making mistakes, but it is your "mistake", or otherwise, to make. She has to accept that she has no say anymore.

What I would do: go and see her and sit her down. Explain calmly that OH is in your life now, and that is a fait accompli. She is now dealing with a couple, and she can't have one without the other. Let her think about that for a while.

The fact as I see it is that you have to make a choice. Your mother raised you well, and kudos to both your parents for that, but that doesn't give them ownership of your present life. Given that your are the only child, there is probably some over-investment there. They are understandably proud of your achievements and are happy in the role they played in that. Perhaps your mother had built up some grand idea of the person she thinks is suitable for you as the icing on the cake and doesn't want to let that go.

If she decides not to accept your OH, that will be sad, but you will have peace of mind, and it is likely that she will come around when she is faced with the consequences of her decision. Stick with any threats you make.

Don't let this influence your relationship or any decisions you make about the future.

booboo88

In my experience if my mother doesnt take well to a boyfriend, although she'll never be anything but nice to a boyfriend, her opinion of him is usually dead on.
but if you feel he's worth it thats up to you. it may just take time and for her to get to know him

Justask

Not want you want to hear...but 9 times out of 10 mothers are always right :rolleyes:

When my mother took a dislike to someone I was dating she was never wrong as much as I hate to admit it.

Justask

Justask wrote: »

Not want you want to hear...but 9 times out of 10 mothers are always right :rolleyes:

When my mother took a dislike to someone I was dating she was never wrong as much as I hate to admit it.

Thing is that I read through the post and there wasn't exactly anything that jumped out at me that indicated any sort of reason for a dislike towards him, apart from prejudices against him having a child and being a builder, being "common" or whatever.

Distorted

I am tempted to say live your own life but I suspect your mother might be onto something here. Her comment that he is common I think is telling. On the face of it it sounds snooty but she probably means that his way of behaving towards you and in general gives her concern. The poorest people can be the most genuine and mannerly and thats probably not what she is getting at. At the very least, statistically, people of similar backgrounds tend to be the most successful at long term relationships.

She is seeing something in him that you can't. Yet.

Virgil°

Distorted wrote: »

She is seeing something in him that you can't. Yet.

Nonsense.
I wouldn't go overestimating your ability to judge a guy as a bad apple on a few sentences. Especially since they were mostly positive. Besides she said he "looks common" which is completely different than "he is common". The first is just stereotyping, the second is a slight on someones character.

She's met him twice in two years and according to the OP, who was there at the time and knows the guy much better than her, nothing was amiss apart from the mothers rotten attitude.
OP at the end of the day there's nothing you can do really. Your mother isn't going to be talked down or convinced. For whatever reason she doesn't like him.
You could ask her what particular behaviour of his she doesn't like I suppose.
Being "common" isn't good enough a reason. What exactly is common about him in her eyes? If he's acted inappropriately in some way that you don't know about then she might have some ground to stand on.
If however it's just her idea of him being below her in some fashion because he's a builder or whatever then it's all on her.
You can in safe conscience tell her to stick her opinion where the sun doesn't shine and from this point on every time she has a bad word to say about him tell her you're not interested in hearing it.

muboop1

People saying that mother is always right here are being fools...

Mother is most certainly not always right. IT could even be that mother is simply jealous of the BF having so much of her daughters time, subconciously or whatever.

Either way, unless she actually has some real reason, with some basis behind it, ignore her.

If your contact with her is upsetting due to her "attitude" drop it for a while. You mention getting engaged, he is your family now, or will be unless something bad happens. What is she going to do? keep treating him like crap? Say 5 years on and you have kids... she going to be acting that way towards "daddy" to the kids?

Your mother needs to either learn to hide her displeasure, or grow up. You need to make this clear to her.

Moomoo1

I think the biggest problem is that the whole thing is really getting to you. Ask yourself, why is it so important for you that your mother approves of your boyfriend? Why does it ruin your life so when she speaks badly of him?

This sort of situation is not uncommon, of course. A friend of my wife has been married to someone for years and years, and her mother still calls up regularly telling her to leave him. Why - because his mother was a drug addict and he grew up in a childrens' home. (From her words these phonecalls usually end up with a lot of swearing: also they've just had a baby and she didn't tell her mother because she was afraid of the reaction).

So yes, a lot of people have been in this situation, and the only advice is to ride it out, to learn to handle vitriol towards your loved ones. You know that she's only seen him twice, you know that she's talking out of her backside, so why does it depress you so much?

So in the short term I'd work on just being strong in that regard. In the longer term, you need to work on making your partner 'grow' on your parents as you yourself say. Bring him up at every opportunity and if she criticises then you can always retort 'you don't know him, you've only met him twice'. Or press her on what exactly she doesn't like about him, exactly why it is a problem and exactly what does she want (and no, 'it doesn't feel right' is not a right answer).

As my wife's friend puts it 'parents need to be coached'. That's a very harsh way of putting it, but I do think sometimes parents need to be taught to respect your choice of partner.

Moomoo1

muboop1 wrote: »

What is she going to do? keep treating him like crap? Say 5 years on and you have kids... she going to be acting that way towards "daddy" to the kids?

Quite possibly, yes.

@OP: have you had other boyfriends, and what was her reaction towards them?

I am a friend

OP have you gone to counselling just to deal with this issue?

LegacyUser

OP

Can i suggest you let your mother get to know him more. You have been going out with him 2 years, you live together yet your parents have only met him twice! I find that very strange. I would expect at least 3 or 4 meetings a year!

Maybe if she got to know him more she would see what you see in him.

LegacyUser

Hi all,

OP here, thank you all for you replies. I'll try to answer your questions.

I've had 2 other serious boyfriends, one of them treated me like crap and the other cheated so she did not like them but did not say anything really. I had been single (travelling etc) for about 4 years before I met my OH.

I was going to counselling for self esteem issues and this just came up. My counsellor said the mother/daughter relationship is probably the most difficult one there is. Someone asked why am I letting what she thinks affect me so and that is an important question. I don't know. I know of friends whose parents have not approved of their choice of partner but they don't let it get to them.

She said he looks common and his accent is common (I live in Wexford no offence to the accent there!) He's very chatty and always making jokes, he kinda reminds me of Jim Carrey and she says she couldn't be around him for long.

He has never done anything as far as I'm aware. He is good to me, we get on very well, he bought me a car ffs and this was still met with disapproval. We are from similiar backgrounds. Parents are working class, his dad drank and still drinks a lot, my dad did too. He went on to be a builder and a successful one and I went down the academic route.

She doesn't think he's good looking. I think he's hot! She said Why is a good looking girl like you settling for him? I've told her he is a part of my life now and she has to accept that, she says she has but is heart broken about my choice.

What kills me is why? If he drank a lot, did drugs, cheated on me, treated me disrespectfully, was selfish....I'd understand but there seems no basis to this other than the minute she saw him he was not what she expected I would choose or rather SHE would choose for me.

I am up at home at the minute, my homeplace is a good few hours away, and he said I'll drive up and bring you back home. I said no I'll meet you in Dublin cos I can't face the tension. She is not snooty to him but still.

She just feels I could have done better, I don't understand it. I'm not a stupid person. I love him. My dad likes him and is happy for us. My mother and my relationship will never be the same. I think it will come to the point that we may end up not talking.

I am a friend

Not talking to her is a bit drastic and immature... You cant solve big life problems by running away when you dont get your own way.. Come on...

What is your parents relaitonship like? You say your Dad drinks a lot - maybe she sees a lot of your Dad in him and doesnt want you to have the same lifee she did. It reminds me of the scene in friends where Rachel's mother separated from her Dad and was acting like a teenager. When Rachel got on her back she said to her 'well Rachel, you didnt marry your Barry, but I did'....

Maybe she sees that the life of a builder does not provide a steady income and she doesnt want you struggling for money and maybe she just doesnt like the idea that he has a kid with someone else.. She is entitled to worry about her daughter.

Maybe she doesnt think he is good looking... So what??? OP you need to chill out and not look at every sigle comment as an insult... It sounds like you are balming your Mam for everything... Maybe she is just stupidly honest and she sees that he is getting in the way of her relationship with her only child and because of this is desperately trying to break you up.

Maybe your Mum is not happy with her lot and sees your bf as a copy of your Dad and thinks your life would be the same as hers. Bottom line is you only get one mother and this guy isnt even your husband - you need to save the relationship by sitting down and talking this out with her... Its very silly not to.

Stench Blossoms

I've had a similar problem.

If my mother likes a boyfriend of mine my father will hate him and vice versa.

The way I look at it is your not in the relationship to please your mother so she'll just have to accept that your with him and get over it.

I gave up trying to please other people a long time ago. Look out for yourself.

Son_of_Belial

Wow... I may be over-simplifying the situation but if I were you OP a conversation with my mother would go along the lines of: "I love him, he makes me happy, deal with it."

Beruthiel

JensenA wrote: »

She says she'd like to feel differently but she can't. I don't know what to do. Has anyone been in this situation? Can anyone offer any advice?

My daughter is living with her b/f right now. He's a lovely lad but by no means perfect.
If I could choose, I'd have her living with a millionaire who thought the sun shone out of her ass. That's the kinda thing mothers want for their children, perfection.

But anyway, back here in the real world, I'll take happiness. If she is happy with her choice than I'm happy for her. He treats her well and I like him for that. He makes her happy.

Your mother needs to suck it up and mind her own business. You need to not give a toss what she thinks.

This is your life.
Is it a happy one?
Are you happy with your choice?
Does he treat you well and respect you?
If the answer is yes to all of those questions then leave your mother to her own company for a while.
She has no right to interfere in your life like this and some time away from you might have her come to that realisation.

Miss Fluff

JensenA wrote: »

I am up at home at the minute, my homeplace is a good few hours away, and he said I'll drive up and bring you back home. I said no I'll meet you in Dublin cos I can't face the tension. She is not snooty to him but still.

Eh hello? This bit really jumped out at me and explains everything tbh Your boyfriend only meeting your Mother twice for the duration of your relationship is obviously all down to you. If you love this man and are serious about him then you need to put on a united front and you haven't been doing that at all obviously. You need to start. Every family function, every Sunday dinner, you need to bring this man along and show your Mother and everyone else that he is your partner. Hiding him away because you can't face the tension is totally spineless and in fact stops your mother from getting to know and potentially like the man all because you choose to save yourself an earful. You need to start including him. And for a start you should let him pick you up an invite the man in for tea. How can you expect things to get any better when you won't even have them in the same room?

gypsy_rose

I would say the mother is always right thing can hold water, but not in this situation since it sounds to me like she has never actually tried to sit down and have a chat with him, and therefore doesn't have logical reasons behind why she doesn't like him!

Jess16

JensenA wrote: »

He has an eleven year old daughter, this is a problem for her

This is none of her business. Make sure she knows that

JensenA wrote: »

she'd prefer I were with someone with no children. She thinks he looks common

Her preferences aren't relevant, she's not dating him.

JensenA wrote: »

She said she is disappointed in my choice, heart broken actually and I don't know why as he's never done anything

Because it's less to do with your boyfriend and more to do with your mother's epic condescension from a self-placed pedestal

JensenA wrote: »

She says she doesn't think I'm happy

Of course she does, it suits her agenda to say so. Aren't you a better judge of your own happiness than anyone else?

JensenA wrote: »

She says she'd like to feel differently but she can't

Can't or won't?

JensenA wrote: »

She actually said to him 'You're growing on me'. I'm so tired of this. We barely talk anymore and don't see it improving

And it won't improve unless you stop tolerating your mother's blatant rudeness and disgusting lack of respect for you and the choices she doesn't see you as entitled to having.

This is a very clear case of bullying and emotional manipulation. It seems that she is exploiting her position as your mother to ensure you meet her controlling demands. Tell her clearly that whereas her views are welcome, her insistency is not.

nicechick!

Beruthiel wrote: »

My daughter is living with her b/f right now. He's a lovely lad but by no means perfect.
If I could choose, I'd have her living with a millionaire who thought the sun shone out of her ass. That's the kinda thing mothers want for their children, perfection.

But anyway, back here in the real world, I'll take happiness. If she is happy with her choice than I'm happy for her. He treats her well and I like him for that. He makes her happy.

Your mother needs to suck it up and mind her own business. You need to not give a toss what she thinks.

This is your life.
Is it a happy one?
Are you happy with your choice?
Does he treat you well and respect you?
If the answer is yes to all of those questions then leave your mother to her own company for a while.
She has no right to interfere in your life like this and some time away from you might have her come to that realisation.

I love this girls attitude!

Like all situations I'm sure we'll occasional clash with our mammy's at some point or other like my mammy says ''I thought you right from wrong you'll make mistakes along the way but I'll pray like crazy that most of them will be the right ones''.

I'm sadden to read your post she can't dictate what direction your life is taking however much she still wants to make your decisions for you. I think you should be firm but kind to your mother and tell her that she has been unduly insensitive towards you and particularly your partner. Stop dwelling over your mothers own dilemma/issues and move forward with your life in which she will want to be part of!