Do you give out to you children a lot.

First off my children are grown up and I had two girls who were fairly good as children I could take them shopping no problem for example, but I do know how difficult children can be at times.

I saw this twice lately and it made me wonder do the mothers realise they are doing it or are they unconscious of it.

I was in the supermarket and there was woman in front of me she had 3 children with her, at glance I would say they were 9,7,5

It started when she was getting the shopping trolley and she keep it up all the way round ..." leave you sister alone ..no I said no no ..for god sake stop ...I told you already I said no ...what are you doing now! ...NO NO and so on ...about half way round the older child found a euro on the ground he went to show her and in a very irate voice she said to him " what now, stop" she didn't hear what he was telling her, he looked so hurt.....now this women wasn't a skanger she was well dressed and so were the children and I would say if she was show a video of herself in the supermarket she would be horrified at herself.

RedXIV

To be fair. its very hard to judge someone on one encounter. It could have been a bad day, she could have gotten terrible news, the kids could ACTUALLY have been taking the mick all day.

I've a 6yr old in my house and I can be short with him. Usually because I'm telling him something I've already told him. But some of it is starting to sink in. And I'll have bad days where I'll be shorter but on the upside, I'll have days where he can do no wrong.

So in answer to your question, yep, I give out. In answer to your post, don't judge on one encounter

Mr. Presentable

No I don't. Rarely, in fact.

Parents need to lay out parameters and acceptable behaviour early for the child. And adhere to it. Children really appreciate rules and boundaries, it gives them confidence in their situation. When the rules are unenforced or inconsistent the child is nervous and unsure of what to do. Thus breeding bad behaviour.

Good parenting is not the exclusive of the well-to-do - nor is bad. I would accept it is harder to keep your eye on the ball when you have three of them

I am not judging at all ...It was more the tone of her voice that made me thing she was not conscious of it all, It was an oft repeated way of talking to her children that she possible didn't realise she had fallen in to.

stovelid

I've two boys, one of whom can be extremely demanding and headstrong. I have given out to him at times - sometimes very irately - when I have been pushed to the limit, yes. I'm not overjoyed about it but I'm only human and think I'm doing an OK job overall.

I also find the implication that losing your temper with your kids is based on social class - and possibly a conception of social class based on clothing or accent - a little mean spirited as well.

littlebug

there are times :rolleyes: You're trying to do the sums in your head, remember what was on the shopping list that you left at home and all the while there's a constant "he said, she said", "I want to push the trolley, no I want to...", "Can I have", "mammy, mammy, MAMMY" and all this maybe after they've been niggling and arguing with each other all day, you haven't had a decent sleep in weeks and/ or other general stressful life stuff going on. Honestly in such a situation it would be hard to keep the irritation out of my voice.
My kids are good / easy going and they know I rarely get cross, in fact even their friends comment on how not cross I am but even I have my supermarket moments... I don't think how a mother speaks to her children on one stressful shopping outing can be indicative of their interaction the rest of the time.

Ickle Magoo

It depends on their and my mood tbh...

My two are very close in age and go through stages of being the best of friends and then the worst of enemies - when its the former we have a lovely peaceful house and two very well behaved children for the most part...when it's the later? They are at each other 24/7 and nerves get frayed all round.

I don't think it's fair to judge anyone based on a single encounter - we really have no idea what is going on in peoples lives that may have contributed to their behaviour that day - I think most parents will have had the odd bad day, at least, I know I have.

LegacyUser

I have no children myself but it irritates me so much when parents try to bargain with their children.....if you behave I'll buy you sweets/dvd etc.

From my experience with nieces and nephews children need to be taught at an early age what is acceptable and what is not. Children don't have the ablility to understand what is happening when you suddenly change what is expected of them.

Also, parents being "friends" with their children.....they have friends in school etc and don't need you as one!! Also, I doubt they really tell parents everything no matter how close they are.

stovelid

Also I think the gender of your kids can have a difference at that age. I think boy toddlers (especially plural) are harder work in terms being rumbustious and uncontrollable.

namurt

I suppose it is very easy to be judgemental but I do often feel sorry for kids who want to show mammy something and she's too busy to pay attention. I know it bugs me if I'm talking to someone and they're not looking at me, especially if I want to show them something so it must be even harder for kids.

I saw a kid the other day, looked about 4ish, who held a carrot up to his nose and said "look, I'm a snowman". I thought it was the funniest thing ever because in the middle of June it was just so random. I didn't think the mother was a bad parent for not paying attention but I actually felt a bit sorry for her that she was missing out on her child's humour......then again maybe she enjoys it all the time at home.

CrazyRabbit

I find that after the first punch to the face, they don't need to be told twice.

(Just kidding)

On a serious note, I strongly encourage 2-way communication. Instructions/requests are discussed etc. At first, this was very time consuming, but the end result is that we 'understand' each other and know what is expected/acceptable & why. This means there are few occasions where I need to 'give out', and even fewer occasions where I would have to repeat myself.

One of the biggest causes of kids repeatedly breaking rules or misbehaving is that the reason for the rules/acceptable behaviour have not been adequately explained to them.

stimpson

As little as is humanly possible. We have 2 rules for giving out -

1. Pick your battles. Don't sweat the small stuff/make a big deal of dangerous stuff
2. Don't make idle threats. If you threaten to take a toy if the child doesn't behave, you have to follow through.

We go in for positive reinforcement as much as possible and try to ignore bad behaviour. You catch more flies with honey than vinegar.

cbyrd

First off . . you were in the supermarket. . i HATE taking my kids to the supermarket. .first off they start asking can i have this or that . . are we going to be long more. . blah blah blah. . they drive me insane in the supermarket. I'm not a pushover either. I have no problem stopping the trolley and asking what they think they are doing. .(they're 12,9 and 18 months)
But thinking have i got everything i need here, where too next. . butchers . . what do i need, plus i sincerely think that getting frustrated with kids on summer holidays is normal. We can't be perfect all of the time and sometimes you get distracted. I have great conversations with mine but at the same time i get annoyed with them and i scold them, i fed up with them but it doesn't mean i'm a bad parent . .What's the alternative? let them run riot??

Today for example getting a couple of things in tesco, my eldest just kept winding up the toddler.. 5 times i asked her to cease and desist but she ignored me.. so i had no choice but scold her in front of other people.. she was driving him mad, me the other people in the queue and wouldn't listen to reason, and yes i got the sad eyes from her and i wasn't doing anything but sometimes kids just need to be left at home but can't be. . did i mention i hate shopping. . .:rolleyes:

Ayla

cbyrd wrote: »

. . i HATE taking my kids to the supermarket... sometimes kids just need to be left at home but can't be.

Hehehe, I can sympathise. That's why I go at 3am. Kids all asleep at home, shop to myself. It can *almost* make grocery shopping bearable

OP - I am guilty of giving out to my kids, but (so far) haven't had to do it in public (probably mainly b/c I avoid all the stresses involved with taking them shopping). That said, I feel for everyone involved if a parent does lose it. It doesn't benefit anyone, and everyone's left feeling worse for the wear.

.....now this women wasn't a skanger she was well dressed and so were the children

Personally, this comment of yours was the most shocking...what, are only poorly dressed people expected to flip in public? Does someone's dress somehow reflect their parenting abilities? Just a thought.

Minxie123

Was thinking about this the other day. I'm a fairly new parent (6 months) so haven't a clue about the stress that more children can bring. But there's a house behind me and they have two kids and all day long all I can hear is the kids being mental and the mother screaming and shouting at them. I don't know how any of them handle it. Is this what it's like having a few kids? I really don't want to end up like that

Hannibal Smith

Before I had my son I would have been so judgmental of other people's parenting styles...not so much any more

I know what you mean OP about seeing parents giving out to their child and it's not pleasant to watch, but I don't think it's a grounding for the whole relationship. If I'm taking the boy around the shops, he sits in the trolley and I point things out to him and we have a great aul chin way. But, he's only 2 and believes everything I tell him, I doubt he'll be that easy to control when he's older.

There are some days however, when we're both tired and I'm like 'uuggghh would you just give me a break' and I'd hate to think some one heard me and is thinking 'would you listen to how cranky she is' :eek::D

I heard a man in a book shop the other day with his son, who I'd say was a bout 3 or 4 and the father was being really smart with him. He offered to buy the boy a book and the boy whinged that he didn't want a comic..and the father answered 'is that a comic is it? Does it look like a comic to you', at first I thought what an ignorant bloke he was, but again, I know how difficult it is when you've just had enough

cbyrd

Minxie123 wrote: »

Was thinking about this the other day. I'm a fairly new parent (6 months) so haven't a clue about the stress that more children can bring. But there's a house behind me and they have two kids and all day long all I can hear is the kids being mental and the mother screaming and shouting at them. I don't know how any of them handle it. Is this what it's like having a few kids? I really don't want to end up like that

That sounds awful .. i use the distraction method when they're getting on my nerves. . it still works for now with the eldest one (12) We have a new rule in place as of yesterday. She's at the very moody hormonal stage.. mix this with pregnant hormones and an 18 month old who got injections and it was a recipe for disaster. . so we all take a time out when we feel i'm going to blow Everyone to a different room for 5 mins to cool down (except the 18 month old obviously:D) and the first one to kick off gets sent to their room for half an hour. . i'm hoping it'll make for a peaceful summer. .

Hannibal Smith

cbyrd wrote: »

That sounds awful .. i use the distraction method when they're getting on my nerves. . it still works for now with the eldest one (12) We have a new rule in place as of yesterday. She's at the very moody hormonal stage.. mix this with pregnant hormones and an 18 month old who got injections and it was a recipe for disaster. . so we all take a time out when we feel i'm going to blow Everyone to a different room for 5 mins to cool down (except the 18 month old obviously:D) and the first one to kick off gets sent to their room for half an hour. . i'm hoping it'll make for a peaceful summer. .

Does this mean they'll send you to your room if you kick off first?

cbyrd

Hannibal Smith wrote: »

Does this mean they'll send you to your room if you kick off first?

Yep :eek: i'll go and turn the radio on and lie down for 10 mins. . unless i'm in the middle of cooking dinner .. but they don't come near me then in case i ask them to help

greengirl31

I have a 3 year old who up until recently has been a model child - She has had odd moments but generally she's been as good as gold - Lately though, she's been a nightmare - Constantly whining and that sort of carry on drives me MAD !!!!!!! See she's such a little yapper, she came home from Crèche last week telling me how bees make honey, pollen, hives the whole lot, yet she can't grasp "it's time to tidy up now cause it's bed time" !! Then I'll get the "Why Mammy" (in a whingy voice), then "just a few more minutes Mammy" ( again in a whingy voice) which eventually escalates to full on crying and the "but I don't want to" !!! I've tried the reward charts and the naughty step but sometimes my nerves just can't take it - I go to collect her and every day, I tell myself this evening will be better and I'll be more patient and that she's only 3, but as soon as we come out the door the whinging starts and doesn't let up till she eventually goes to sleep. I had to take myself off to another room the during the week cause I was ready to blow a gasket. Some days are better than others but last weekend I was dying for Monday morning where I'd get a break !! Now it's Friday, I'm have mixed views on the weekend - that's not right is it !!

Greengirl13 don't be so hard on yourself at least you are aware of it ...I wasn't going to reply to my thread again because people seemed to think that I was saying it was bad parenting it wasn't it was stressed parenting. Children are hard work and to be honest I liked my children much more when they got to be about 9 ( always loved them ), and you could have a reasonable conversation with them.

Hannibal Smith

mariaalice wrote: »

Greengirl13 don't be so hard on yourself at least you are aware of it ...I wasn't going to reply to my thread again because people seemed to think that I was saying it was bad parenting it wasn't it was stressed parenting. Children are hard work and to be honest I liked my children much more when they got to be about 9 ( always loved them ), and you could have a reasonable conversation with them.

I watch Supernanny and it scares the living daylights out of me when I see older kids and the parents have no control...at the end of the day...what do you do when your kid just doesn't listen! But I'm glad to read there is hope

careca11

have a 23month old boy ...........he's an absolute joy to have , great fun and craic out of him , has the old dark moment ( I try may best to ignore)

my parents mind him and his cousin also 23mths old , but lately my lil'man is showing signs of jealousy and hitting/pushing the other lad if he's getting a hug etc from the granny/grandad ,
now I'm not sure how to handle this , neither child can talk yet, so I don't think giving out to him is the answer as he would not totally understand ( and well slapping him for slapping another child is totally defeating the purpose),
anyone got any suggestion's

Justask

No I dont give out enough

He's a great kid so im blessed...but if he does do something out of line I give him the silent treatment....works a treat for me...longest its last is 20 - 30 mins.

James Jones

The new Children First guidelines will put a stop to all that.
"Terrorising with threats" is now defined as a form of physical abuse and if your neighbour, butcher or sister-in-law see you giving out to your kids, they will face a criminal conviction if they don't report you.

Justask

James Jones wrote: »

The new Children First guidelines will put a stop to all that.
"Terrorising with threats" is now defined as a form of physical abuse and if your neighbour, butcher or sister-in-law see you giving out to your kids, they will face a criminal conviction if they don't report you.

Define 'giving out to your kids'

James Jones

I think it is more important that "Terrorising with threats" be defined?

"If you do that one more time..."

"Wait until I get you home..."

"You're in for it now..."

Any of these phrases could be considered to be a threat that terrorizes a child, given that the child would need to indicate to the social worker involved that they were threatened.

BostonB

James Jones wrote: »

The new Children First guidelines will put a stop to all that.
"Terrorising with threats" is now defined as a form of physical abuse and if your neighbour, butcher or sister-in-law see you giving out to your kids, they will face a criminal conviction if they don't report you.

Isn't that for people working with kids only?

James Jones

BostonB wrote: »

Isn't that for people working with kids only?

Afraid not.

3. Basis for reporting concerns and
Standard Reporting Procedure


3.1 Purpose

3.1.1 This chapter offers guidance to the general public and to all people, both professional and voluntary, working
with or in direct contact with children who may be concerned or who suspect that children are being abused
or neglected or at risk of abuse or neglect. It outlines the standard reporting procedure to be used in passing
information to the statutory authorities about child protection concerns

3.2 Responsibility to report child abuse or neglect
3.2.1 Everyone must be alert to the possibility that children with whom they are in contact may be suffering from
abuse or neglect. This responsibility is particularly relevant for professionals such as teachers, child care
workers, health professionals and those working with adults with serious parenting difficulties. It is also an
important responsibility for staff and people involved in sports clubs

So we can't even claim that we were not trained to police our neighbourhood, local shopping centre, etc

BostonB

James Jones wrote: »

Afraid not.

So we can't even claim that we were not trained to police our neighbourhood, local shopping centre, etc

That just states that for "guidance" its doesn't say it will be law.

In the foreword it says....

...We intend to enact legislation so that all people who are working with children will have a statutory duty to comply with the Children First: National Guidance.....

stimpson

James Jones wrote: »

I think it is more important that "Terrorising with threats" be defined?

"If you do that one more time..."

"Wait until I get you home..."

"You're in for it now..."

Any of these phrases could be considered to be a threat that terrorizes a child, given that the child would need to indicate to the social worker involved that they were threatened.

Terrorising with Threats falls under the section of Phisical Abuse. I take that to mean threats of physical abuse rather than giving out or threatening a (non physical) punishment.

January

I think we'll keep discussion of the Revised Children First in the thread that was created for it, we've already had a few duplicate posts in both threads.

gcgirl

To be honesty being a parent to a 5,7 & 10 yrs olds most days is like being a un peace keeper, only they do not get the nod to go shoppin I need my sanity but at least I can leave the kids with my mum or my aunt not every one has that option!