Never been asked to be godparent

LegacyUser

Riskymove wrote: »

personally, I think its unfortunate that the concept of godparent is so tied up with religion

it seems to cause problems a lot more regularly these days, I suppose because many people are now 'openly' atheist

I dont think the majority of people asking people to be godparents do it for any religious reason; it is imo, an attempt to show that you think a lot of that person and that you think they could play a role in their child's life

in this case, OP, your sister cannot really se how you would refuse the role on religous grounds as she probably doesn't see it as anything religous

I was going to come here earlier and start a thread with a similar topic only in my case I've never been asked to be godparent. I have 12 nieces and nephews and 6 brothers and sisters and I've never been asked to be godparent, the most recent of which is being christened tomorrow. I was hoping I would be asked this time as I left hints but I was passed over again, my younger sister was asked and she already has three godchildren, my daughter included.
Earlier I logged onto facebook and read their posts to each other and she thanked her again "for asking her to be godmother" and the tears are streaming just writing about it. I don't know why I've never been asked but it makes me feel as if there is something wrong with me and everyone knows but me. I go through these motions everytime I'm passed over. I was asked if I was attending and I said yes but I really don't think I can face being there because this affects me so much and although it sounds selfish I always just end up feeling deeply saddened by the whole thing, it crushes my self esteem and I go away unable to look my family in the eye because I think they think so lowly of me.
Your post above just highlights what I think, we do ask people you want to know you think highly of and it broke my heart just reading it.
I won't be there tomorrow.

Ickle Magoo

Hey OP, given you your own thread so the other thread can be for advice pertinent to the person that started it.

Hope you get some good advice of your own.

All the best :cool:

LegacyUser

Thanks Ickle, I suppose I left it a bit late for advice and just decided to not attend today. you can close this thread if you feel it no longer serves a purpose.

spinandscribble

Op would you live further away from your siblings?
Be an atheist?
Have any other issues with your family?

It does seem mean you're not even asked out of politeness. There must be some reason and if I was you I'd ask.

Overheal

Godparents are responsible for spiritual upbringing yes? Are you religious yourself? Are you at odds with your siblings on these issues? Godparenting isn't exactly a popularity contest. It's a decision about who will most likely raise my child spiritually in a way that sits well with me, and is good for my child.

LegacyUser

spinandscribble wrote: »

Op would you live further away from your siblings?
Be an atheist?
Have any other issues with your family?

It does seem mean you're not even asked out of politeness. There must be some reason and if I was you I'd ask.

Hi and no, we all live in the same city and it's thereabouts. There are no other issues as far as I am aware, but this is the problem, everytime this occurs I sit and contemplate all my flaws and wonder which of them makes me the odd one out. They know when I was younger I was a smoker/stoner, but they also know I haven't done so for many many years and I have been asked to mind their other children when they had to work in the past so it's not like they don't trust me with their children. Although then I wonder if they do.
I'm a single parent, not that this should be an issue but maybe it is for them although I thought I would know about it by now.
I'm not as wealthy as they are, most of my brothers and sisters are financially more successful than I am but still, I work and I pay my way, again I wouldn't consider this an issue although maybe for them it is.

It was the same when they were being married, somebody mentioned in gest after the third wedding that I didn't have to suffer the "misery" of being a bridesmaid and so it went that almost out of sympathy, I was asked by fourth and even then I think my sister wasn't too happy as she probably had to fit me in there somehow.

I used to think I got on well with my sisters but recently I feel that maybe they are just nice to me out of politeness or sympathy, which doesn't make me feel any better about it at all.

I did explain to my mother when she told me about the christening last month that I was upset and how my other siblings have been asked multiple times and I don't get a look in, she tried to explain it away by claiming it works in order or who was bridesmaid at the wedding, I had to remind her I was one and then explained just as I'm explaining to you now, that it hurts and I no longer feel like I want to attend these family functions.

Ickle Magoo

nongodparent wrote: »

Thanks Ickle, I suppose I left it a bit late for advice and just decided to not attend today. you can close this thread if you feel it no longer serves a purpose.

I think it serves a purpose as long as you are gaining from advice from it - give me a shout if you want it locked but I'm happy to leave it open if you are?

dellas1979

Has anyone bothered to ask why you arent at the christening, or if so, what did you tell them?
I think that being bypassed like that is awful, and you have every right be feel like this.

LegacyUser

dellas1979 wrote: »

Has anyone bothered to ask why you arent at the christening, or if so, what did you tell them?
I think that being bypassed like that is awful, and you have every right be feel like this.

No, but I left her a message last night to saying sorry I wouldn't be around today, I haven't received any response from her or any of the family, although I wasn't really expecting one.
We have a big family though and one missing head wouldn't be noticed that much.


That's fine Ickle, you can leave it open so

R.D. aka MR.D

One thing that stood out from your post is that you aren't as financially well off as the others.

Maybe in their eyes they don't want to burden you with it.

I know technically the godparent role is about religion but in a lot of cases it means extra birthday/xmas presents because of the title. Then communion and confirmation presents etc are always huge from your godparents.

it could be something like that?

nongoparent

nongoparent wrote: »

I'm a single parent.....

If you don't mind my asking, who did you ask to be godparents?

ppink

OP I honestly think you are better off not being a godparent! I know that may sound funny but on recent experience witht he whole godparent role I think it has been reduced to a moneymaking racket by a lot of people......not all but a lot!
I was told recently how happy this person was that they chose correctly for one of their kids godparents as both godparents were LOADED:rolleyes:.

Huge pressure has been put on us to come up with "godparent" standard gifts and to be honest if anyone asked me again I would refuse.

Funnily enough I have also had family ask if we would take care of their children in the event of anything happening to the parents...........they asked us instead of the people they chose as godparents!
I do understand how you feel bad but honestly i think there is such crazy pressure put on some godparents these days you may well be better.

robman60

As a previous poster has mentioned, I think your financial situation could definitely be playing a part in this. In general, a Godparent has much more expense than a regular aunt/uncle so maybe your siblings just think you have enough financial responsibilities without having to buy expensive presents for a godchild.

I know you'd like to be asked, but I think the reasons for them not asking may not be any reflection on you as a person.

tenchi-fan

Hi Op. My sister was reluctant about asking her friend to be Godmother because her friend did not attend mass. Do you attend mass, and do you ensure your own children attend mass and receive communion once a week and confession once a month?

Do you honestly feel you are the best person to be asked to be a godparent?

Morag

Some families are just like that, the siblings get a notion about one of them and it sticks and they refuse to look that who the person is now and there is a few of them who are closer and just exclude the one they 'disprove' of. It becomes habit and they don't even relasise they are doing it or consider the hurt they are causing.


If that is the level of respect and 'love' they have for then frankly fúck'em.
End of the day you don't need them or their approval to be happy with yourself and your life. There gets to a stage where you are adults and your siblings don't have to be your friends and anyone who treats you that way doesn't deserve your time or respect.

Don't keep going back looking for a level of acceptance and approval it's not worth the hurt.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all your replies. I understand it may be the financial situation, perhaps they do want only the best for their children but we are all adults and it would be nice if they were able to discuss these things with me and they know they can.
It is possible that it is a combination of all these things. Maybe they do look at me disapprovingly, I'm sure to them I will always be "that" sister. It's been painful just drawing these conclusions but maybe it has been for the best. Thanks again.

Gilda Fortune

nongodparent wrote: »

Thanks for all your replies. I understand it may be the financial situation, perhaps they do want only the best for their children but we are all adults and it would be nice if they were able to discuss these things with me and they know they can.
It is possible that it is a combination of all these things. Maybe they do look at me disapprovingly, I'm sure to them I will always be "that" sister. It's been painful just drawing these conclusions but maybe it has been for the best. Thanks again.

Did you have one of your sisters as godparent to your child? If not then i think thats your answer. If yes then i would say its financial

dellas1979

Is there one in the family that you could approach about this/ask? Did they contact you?
If they ask you whats wrong etc, make sure you say something, and dont brush it under the table. I found it hard to be there because....

LegacyUser

dellas1979 wrote: »

Is there one in the family that you could approach about this/ask? Did they contact you?
If they ask you whats wrong etc, make sure you say something, and dont brush it under the table. I found it hard to be there because....

no there hasn't been any contact, which is preferable to be honest. I have tried to communicate this to my mother already but it just fell on deaf ears. I really don't feel like part of the family and I don't really want to have much to do with them anymore so I'm going to cut my losses and leave them to it.

ABajaninCork

I feel your pain OP. I've never been asked to be a BM, or a godparent.

One of my brothers is godparent to the other brother's daughter. He (the godfather) doesn't see my niece from one year to the next! I was told by the father that it doesn't matter, I'm still the child's aunt...

When my youngest niece was born, we were told that no family member were to be asked to be godparents. I think that meant none of OUR family were to be asked as his partner's two cousins and her best friend were asked instead!

I've given up on the idea now even though it's painful and frankly not very nice. I've no idea why this should be so, and I try not to let it upset me any more.

dellas1979

Ah you see OP, thats one of your big problems - your mother cant really do anything - she is all of yours mother, but you and your siblings are not children, so she cannot fight anyones corner on matters like this.

For all she thinks, if she says something to one of the other siblings, they may fall out with her/not see grand children etc. Its not a black and white as "I said it to my mam"....and what??? Your mam (although she is your mammy) isnt there to fight your battles with your siblings.

WHEN you are asked why didnt you go, that is your queue to say something. What have you got to loose?

I am a friend

OP, I do think these days a lot of the godparent thing is as a money racket...

A good point was raised - do you go to mass, practise the religion etc?

premierlass

dellas1979 wrote: »

WHEN you are asked why didnt you go, that is your queue to say something. What have you got to loose?

I see an objection to that. If the OP is being consciously excluded, the others will use that to justify their exclusion. "Can you believe the nerve, OP refused to attend the christening when because she wasn't made a godparent!"

tenchi-fan

premierlass wrote: »

I see an objection to that. If the OP is being consciously excluded, the others will use that to justify their exclusion. "Can you believe the nerve, OP refused to attend the christening when because she wasn't made a godparent!"

They'd be right to pass that comment, too.

The op is basically punishing the family by boycotting the christening, proving that she would have made a lousy godmother.

premierlass

tenchi-fan wrote: »

They'd be right to pass that comment, too.

The op is basically punishing the family by boycotting the christening, proving that she would have made a lousy godmother.

No, the OP is reacting emotionally against what she sees as a snub. Not the best way of handling things, probably. Proof that she would have made a "lousy" godmother, not remotely.

Reesy

dellas1979 wrote: »

Is there one in the family that you could approach about this/ask? Did they contact you?
If they ask you whats wrong etc, make sure you say something, and dont brush it under the table. I found it hard to be there because....

+1
And I'd go further. If you have a relationship with one of your family that will work for such a conversation, I'd go & talk to that person & apologies that you did nopt turn up & then explain that it's kinda got to you that everyone is a Godparent bar you. Don't be accusatory, just explain the facts. See what the person says. Take it from there. Good luck.

LegacyUser

thanks for the input so far.
With regard to religious beliefs I would be on par with the rest of the family in that we would all probably be considered lapsed catholic, I don't attend church other than on special occasions but I'm not offended by it either. I specifically didn't feel it was necessary to touch on this issue as this is not about religious beliefs and whether they are appropriate or not. I know there is another thread dealing with that issue elsewhere and my opening post already stated with how relevant it is in the quoted paragraph.

I have given consideration as to how or who I might approach to discuss the subject but after giving it some thought I don't think there is anyone. In fact I'm pretty sure that talking to my mother may have only made things worse. After the christening the sister who was asked to be Godmother liked as her status "does your arse get jealous of the shít that comes out of your mouth"...which has had the appropriate effect. This is the same sister I asked to be godparent to my child.. almost two decades ago. We're not kids anymore and she could only have known how I felt about it if she had spoken with my mother. My mother also hasn't called around since last week, normally she stops in on her way home from work.

A week before the christening I did spend some time with the sister who is child's mother and the newly appointed godparent sister in question, I thought then that perhaps my mother had spoken with them and this was an attempt to make me feel less excluded. We spent the day together with their kids. I bought them goodies and things to take home and had a good day out with them. I appreciate the gesture but it's almost like it's too little too late.

I have 12 nieces and nephews...this has been going on for years and it's evolved into more than whether I will ever be a godparent or not to my kin.


I also understand that I might come across as selfish and/or emotional but I have been very reasonable and rational when discussing this with my mother in the past.

LegacyUser

I'm not sure anyone would hear me out without thinking I'm just jealous, being selfish or trying to punish them because of it and I'm not really sure I care enough about it to pursue it anymore

Taltos

OP - I can understand that right now you really want nothing to do with them - but take a step back for a moment. By making this choice all of the following are almost certain:

1) You will not be involved in the lives of your nieces & nephews
2) You will NEVER be asked to be a god-parent
3) Family occassions will pass without you
4) As time goes on they will create all manner of reasons for you snubbing them and in fact the whole family will blame you for being the weird one...

Lets not kid ourselves here - whatever you believe you are the one who has severed ties - now maybe that is right (it really could be if they are emotional vampires and just wreck your head and self-worth), but maybe you just need some time to think it through.

My suggestion is to give it one last shot.
Invite your sister for coffee. Bring up the christening and apologise for not going but tell her why - be honest - "I'm not sure why but when I found out I wasn't going to be asked to be a godparent I just crumbled and couldn't face going..." I know this honesty may make you feel vulnerable - but sometimes we have to take the chance.
As above - do not turn this into a blame game. Your sister had really good reasons for choosing the person she did.

> Financial stability?
> Religious observance?
> In a long term relationship?
> Potential guardian for the child if anything were to happen to her and her OH?
Basically who knows....

I know it feels like a snub - and one of my sisters went through something similar - in her case they couldn't ask her as her husband would then be asked by default and he was just bad news - proved right recently but that is a different story. I guess what I am saying until you can talk to your sister and let her know how you feel you will never learn why - it could be something as simple as "I never knew you felt so strongly - but Jane asked and what could I say...???..."

premierlass

You do need to apologise for missing the christening, since it seems to be an issue, but I'd leave it at that. They don't sound like very nice people, to be honest.

LegacyUser

I sound like someone who's been locked away from society and only gets to come out on special occasions

really, my family are in a class of their own, the things which are truly important to them are money and status and I've been excusing them for a long time.


/end thread.