Best way to say goodbye to an ex I care deeply about? :(

LegacyUser

Hey all,

I'm 30, when i was 24 I found my first real love - we were crazy about each other but he was a little younger and 3.5 years later chose the single life. As much as I protested that i didn't wanna stay in touch he basically ignored me and I made it very easy for him to get over me by almost being glad when he made a booty call (I know, pathetic) I've had 2 relationships since him, I doubt that either of them would have amounted to anything anyway but he had a hand in destroying them regardless. Again, being ridiculously in love with him I took this as a "sign" that we were destined to get back together.

Now, we are "friends" but my feelings towards him are deffo inappropriate, he basically pisses all over me (forgive the analagy) but I'd drop everything for him at a moments notice - he didn't even show up to my 30th birthday party because he was "tired"

I've had 2 conversations with him recently, 1 where he was drunk and said he would probably come crawling back to me in 2 years and another where he was sober and said he doesn't think we'll ever get back together because he wants to be with someone who doesn't let him walk all over her.

Anyway, I've had my awakening and I really know that i need to get this guy out of my life. I don't wanna have a big fight with him because I know it will make it really difficult to forget about him and I'll feel guilty, but I know if I tell him I can't do this anymore he'll just be like "fine" and I'll feel crap and he'll probably rear his head eventually anyway....I feel like I am ready to block him out but I think I have to do it the right way or I won't stay true.

I know, I'm really messed up - any advice for a saddo like me?

Kevin Duffy

Why do you need to "say goodbye" at all? From what you've said there, the man is awful to you and doesn't deserve another moment of your time or the least bit of your energy, never mind a conversation. You may imagine there's some closure to be found from teling him how you're thinking, but you didn't get it up to now so you don't seem likely to get it from another conversation with him.

Don't answer his texts or call, say "no" to anything he asks of you, go and get on with finding happier, healthier relationships

Kevin Duffy

sunflower27 wrote: »

I'm presuming the OP wants to tell him she doesn't want any contact from him. Last thing she needs is him popping up down the line looking for a booty call.

Agreed, he has been horrible. He is a total user

Given the history, that's a pointless conversation. It's not like he's going to respect her decision. If he does contact her later, how she responds is the only thing that matters.

Wibbs

Want him out of your life? Put him out of your life. It really is that simple howthehell. No it really is. How many people have you lost contact with in your life? People that you weren't that pushed in keeping contact, or people that were right for you at a point in your life, but after that point weren't?

So it's easy to remove someone* from your life. Now I agree with others. from your description the guy is a bit of a knob. Cool. Let him be a knob. What's keeping him around is unresolved stuff in your head, not his. In your head is where the solution and the power lies.

OK If you and one of your mates, who didn't like him and I'm sure they exists, could swap brains with you(calling Dr Frankenstein Stat!:)), how long do you think he'd be in her life? Not very long I'd warrant. She'd not answer his calls, reply to his texts/emails/bebobook. She'd not want to be his "friend" or listen to his guff. She'd not be waiting even hoping, even getting some emotional feedback from his calls/texts/emails/bebobook. She'd not be enabling him to be in her life. Simple as that.

Well it's not that simple, because you do get something from this. It's the loss of the idea of "The One" and "Lost Love" and "Destined to be together" peddled to us by countless romantic fallacies in our culture. And fallacies they are howthehell. If he was the one true love this would quite simply not be happening.

Value yourself and value what you offer the world an value the man who value that. He's not it. Value the power you have in your head that knows this nor so deep down.







*Unless you share children or financial entanglements or are family. Even so you can still limit contact or make other arangements.

Lucyx

For a start don't call yourself a saddo.....you have to stop that kind of thinking straight away. You got yourself into a bit of a rut and now you've seen that you need to get yourself out of it and you will. You definitely will, thats for sure.

Do you need to contact him again to say goodbye? Can you not just ignore him completely? Surely he'd get the message and stop contacting you? I just think that you saying goodbye might make it a big huge deal in your head and it'll feel so final and that might make you more heartbroken about him. Thats just my opinion. If you think saying goodbye to him will be better for you then you should do that.

Also I think you have a kind of addiction to him so you have to treat it that way and take it one day at a time. Withdrawal will be painful (like an alcoholic or junkie, seriously) but it will get easier in time. Distraction is very helpful and be selfish. Look after your own interests first and foremost from now on. Always go with your gut and your gut right now is telling you that you can do better and he isn't beneficial to you at all.

It'll take some time but the cloud will lift as the weeks and months pass.

nicechick!

howthehell wrote: »

Hey all,

I'm 30, when i was 24 I found my first real love - we were crazy about each other but he was a little younger and 3.5 years later chose the single life. As much as I protested that i didn't wanna stay in touch he basically ignored me and I made it very easy for him to get over me by almost being glad when he made a booty call (I know, pathetic) I've had 2 relationships since him, I doubt that either of them would have amounted to anything anyway but he had a hand in destroying them regardless. Again, being ridiculously in love with him I took this as a "sign" that we were destined to get back together.

Now, we are "friends" but my feelings towards him are deffo inappropriate, he basically pisses all over me (forgive the analagy) but I'd drop everything for him at a moments notice - he didn't even show up to my 30th birthday party because he was "tired"

I've had 2 conversations with him recently, 1 where he was drunk and said he would probably come crawling back to me in 2 years and another where he was sober and said he doesn't think we'll ever get back together because he wants to be with someone who doesn't let him walk all over her.

Anyway, I've had my awakening and I really know that i need to get this guy out of my life. I don't wanna have a big fight with him because I know it will make it really difficult to forget about him and I'll feel guilty, but I know if I tell him I can't do this anymore he'll just be like "fine" and I'll feel crap and he'll probably rear his head eventually anyway....I feel like I am ready to block him out but I think I have to do it the right way or I won't stay true.

I know, I'm really messed up - any advice for a saddo like me?

''ouch'' the humiliation that must have hurt!! cuts ties (we've all been there!!) You don't owe any explanation just cut him off do not attempt to be friends on FB, do not store his number in your phone, do not bring your phone out with while drinking alcohol as it will go to ''****e''

You will be miserable rejection sucks!! but eventually you will be happier

LegacyUser

Hey, OP here.

Thanks for all your very helpful replies.

I suppose the reason I wanted to actually say "goodbye" is because for some reason I do care about him and I'm probably flattering myself to think it might hurt his feelings if I blank him out of the blue, but regardless - I think that's rude and I don't really want to be that person, no matter how much he's disrespected me I would feel bad shutting him out and not at least telling him why. I was also planning on asking him not to contact me anymore, I think him being aware of what's happening will help.


I think I might send him an email just to say I think our relationship isn't enhancing my life and it's time to move on, pls don't contact me again etc? If I know him at all - and I'm pretty sure I do - at this stage in the same I imagine he wouldn't give me the satisfaction of texting me again. This would make it much easier for me. Make sense?

premierlass

Howthehell wrote: »

I think I might send him an email just to say I think our relationship isn't enhancing my life and it's time to move on, pls don't contact me again etc? If I know him at all - and I'm pretty sure I do - at this stage in the same I imagine he wouldn't give me the satisfaction of texting me again. This would make it much easier for me. Make sense?

Fair enough, but block his number and his email address as soon as you send it. There's a chance he might try to argue since he evidently likes messing you around, so don't give him the chance.

Lucyx

Howthehell wrote: »

Hey, OP here.

Thanks for all your very helpful replies.

I suppose the reason I wanted to actually say "goodbye" is because for some reason I do care about him and I'm probably flattering myself to think it might hurt his feelings if I blank him out of the blue, but regardless - I think that's rude and I don't really want to be that person, no matter how much he's disrespected me I would feel bad shutting him out and not at least telling him why. I was also planning on asking him not to contact me anymore, I think him being aware of what's happening will help.


I think I might send him an email just to say I think our relationship isn't enhancing my life and it's time to move on, pls don't contact me again etc? If I know him at all - and I'm pretty sure I do - at this stage in the same I imagine he wouldn't give me the satisfaction of texting me again. This would make it much easier for me. Make sense?

I think the big say goodbye thing is just an excuse to contact him.

The only reason I know this is cos I did the same myself.
Your post above is justifying contacting him.

I don't think you're ready to blank him but good luck to you anyway x

nicechick!

Howthehell wrote: »

Hey, OP here.

Thanks for all your very helpful replies.

I suppose the reason I wanted to actually say "goodbye" is because for some reason I do care about him and I'm probably flattering myself to think it might hurt his feelings if I blank him out of the blue, but regardless - I think that's rude and I don't really want to be that person, no matter how much he's disrespected me I would feel bad shutting him out and not at least telling him why. I was also planning on asking him not to contact me anymore, I think him being aware of what's happening will help.


I think I might send him an email just to say I think our relationship isn't enhancing my life and it's time to move on, pls don't contact me again etc? If I know him at all - and I'm pretty sure I do - at this stage in the same I imagine he wouldn't give me the satisfaction of texting me again. This would make it much easier for me. Make sense?

Admit it the only reason you want an attempt to of ''closure'' is your still fantasising/daydreaming about the fact that he'll suddenly turn into prince charming realise he adores you and wants you in his life permanently the ''please don't contact me again'' is yes the in fact that next time you answer his text/phone call I will probably answer as your still hoping against all hope that things will change and improve

Just think back to the day after he leaves after spending the night very likely the lack of texts/calls thereafter your own personnel heartache at the humiliation attached to him using you! The disappointment of your nearest and dearest wishing you'd tell him to fcuk off for there sanity as much as yours.

I do have empathy I really do its difficult to care for somewhere and its not returned and the fact that he can so recklessly play with your feelings by giving you any hope for the future

You don't have to blank him you can say ''hello'' its not a crime you don't just have that conversation, you don't flirt, you don't end up in the same situation as you choose not to be there (however much you want to) REJECTION SUCKS don't give him an explanation he already knows!

A perfect choice of words from previous poster ''be kind to yourself''

LegacyUser

Lucyx wrote: »

I think the big say goodbye thing is just an excuse to contact him.

The only reason I know this is cos I did the same myself.
Your post above is justifying contacting him.

I don't think you're ready to blank him but good luck to you anyway x

An excuse to contact him?

He contacts me every single day at least once....Its stopping me from moving on and I'm always really nice to him, if i just ignored him I'd feel really mean and horrible, the goodbye is me trying to stop him cuz it's hurting me.

I sent him an email anyway, hopefully we can stay away from eachoother now. I've done all my fantiscising, well past that now, really just wish I'd never allowed him stay in my life

LegacyUser

Howthehell wrote: »

An excuse to contact him?

He contacts me every single day at least once....Its stopping me from moving on and I'm always really nice to him, if i just ignored him I'd feel really mean and horrible, the goodbye is me trying to stop him cuz it's hurting me.

I sent him an email anyway, hopefully we can stay away from eachoother now. I've done all my fantiscising, well past that now, really just wish I'd never allowed him stay in my life

For what its worth I think some posts are unnecessarily harsh on you. I think you're doing the right thing by explaining in an email. Asking him not to contact you is a good thing too. Best of luck

neveah

The problem is you are too nice, you are giving him far more thought and respect than he is giving you. I've been there before. You are clutching at straws. If he wanted to be with you, he would be with you.

He is keeping you on the backburner until someone 'better' comes along. How are you going to handle it when that happens?? And I guarantee you it will. It will be messy and painful down the line if you don't cut contact now.

He sounds like a selfish person, he doesn't want to go out with you but he contacts you every day and he gives you booty calls, he is getting all the benefits of a relationship without having to give any commitment. Your actions are enabling him. It's your actions that need to change. You need to be number 1 now, not him. You need to STOP sleeping with him, STOP answering his calls, STOP texting him, STOP emailing him, DELETE and block him from fb.

This has been dragging on for years, time to cut the cord and concentrate on yourself. You need to work on your self confidence and self esteem. You don't deserve to be treated like this. Do you really want to be with a guy who tells you that he might come 'crawling' back to you in 2 years time!? That is just insulting! It shouldn't be his decision. He knows you are there waiting for him. It sounds like you are a doormat and he'd walk right over you and wipe his shoes on you. Do you really want to be in a relationship like that?? You need to move on OP and find some self respect. You are not a saddo, you just need to find some inner strength, it's like weening yourself off a drug addiction, it won't be easy but it will be worth it. Best of luck to you.