Feel stuck and confused in engagement

wherefromhere

I am a lady in her 30’s and I have been in the same relationship for 10 years and engaged for 4 of them. We have not married because I always felt I wasn’t fully ready for marriage but that I would in a years time etc. We bought a house but just live together at the weekends due to the nature of my Fiancees work.

The problem is the last few months I have realised its not that I wasn’t ready to get married. I do love my Fiancee but the more I am honest with myself I realise that I am not in love with him. I don’t ever initiate anything intimate and when we are intimate I feel nothing. Absolutely nothing. I have tried so hard since I realised what the problem is to see the best in him and how much he cares for me but I just cant make myself feel in love or want to be held or want to be intimate in any way. I have made so many efforts with weekends away to try to do romantic things in the hope it would change how I feel but it doesn’t. He has done absolutely nothing wrong I think I have always felt like this but its after really coming to a head after all my denial. The strange things is that despite that fact that he really cares for me (my friends all tell me I am the centre of his world) I honestly don’t think he is in love with me either. How could he be when he is going out with someone who is as cold as im sure I must be despite my efforts? He never does anything spontaneous or as a surprise and I really feel that Christmas and birthday presents the last few years have been buy me the first thing he can find that I would not usually be interested in. Maybe does he feel the same but he was and still is the one pushing for a wedding.

The thing is I am so so scared of ending it but is it fair on either of us to be with someone who does really care for me but that I am not in love with. Don’t get me wrong I don’t expect my life to exactly be the notebook movie but I just feel I need more from this relationship now and its not his fault or mine its just one for the those things. As I said I am so scared of being alone but I am even more scared of doing nothing about it and always wondering what it and not being truly happy. Either way im going to hurt him – by ending it or by doing nothing and depriving him of someone who will love him back. I cant tell my friends or family they have no idea how I feel and will tell me I have cold feet and stop being silly etc. I am also so angry with myself for letting this drift on for so long before really addressing the problem. I know I am so lucky to have someone who cares for me but I also don’t feel that he makes me feel feminine or protected as he is the same build as myself (thats probably a really fickle thing so say but its how I feel).

Has anyone ever felt like this? I have no where to turn and no one to talk to and its making me really depressed to he honest. I would really appreciate any advice and thanks so much in advance.

Ickle Magoo

I think you are only going to feel better when you've told him and you are free to go your separate ways.

It really isn't fair on either of you to pretend to be merrily in love and in a mutually satisfying relationship.

Tough as it is, I think being honest ASAP is your only solution.

Best of luck :cool:

lazygal

First, what do you expect love to be like? All flowers and Disney romance? Mad passion?

I'm recently married and when I got engaged a married mate told me marriage "Is like a very boring non profit business" most of the time. Not in a bad, awful way, just that when two people live together with a long term committment, a lot of things you end up doing are quite mundane and not all sunshine and flowers.

I think both of you need to sit down and have an honest chat. I don't understand why you'd get engaged if you didn't feel ready for marriage. And being alone and happy is so much better than being with someone just to avoid being alone. But I don't think you should just end it, I mean you are together a long time. But thats also not the ONLY reason, force of habit isn't the best receipe for a relationship.

Would you try counselling, alone or together?

Devon Brown

The thing about breakups is that they hurt. A lot. And the longer you are in a relationship, the worse a breakup hurts. But what hurts worse is divorce.

You aren't ready to marry him, so own up to it and talk to him. You've been together 10 years. I hope you feel comfortable enough to have him understand what you are trying to say.
Good luck.

LegacyUser

Please sit down with your partner and tell them that you don't want to get married.
It won't be easy for you but getting married is the wrong thing to do. It better to end things now than end an unhappy marriage where you could have children involved.
I know a couple like you who where engaged for a few years but she seemed to be putting all the work into the relationship.
A few weeks before the wedding he called it off and left her to deal with her family, relations, hotel and church. She went back to him a few weeks after this. Her best friend told her that she was making a mistake going back to him. Eventually she saw he was to immature to get married. A few years after this she met her husband who was mature enough to get married. They had a few tough times but because they had a good relationship they coped.
When things are not right it is better to end it so you both can move on with your lives and that hopefully going forward you can both be happy.

brokensoul

lazygal wrote: »

First, what do you expect love to be like? All flowers and Disney romance? Mad passion?

I'm recently married and when I got engaged a married mate told me marriage "Is like a very boring non profit business" most of the time. Not in a bad, awful way, just that when two people live together with a long term committment, a lot of things you end up doing are quite mundane and not all sunshine and flowers.
I think both of you need to sit down and have an honest chat. I don't understand why you'd get engaged if you didn't feel ready for marriage. And being alone and happy is so much better than being with someone just to avoid being alone. But I don't think you should just end it, I mean you are together a long time. But thats also not the ONLY reason, force of habit isn't the best receipe for a relationship.

Would you try counselling, alone or together?

There can be great comfort in those things though if you are with the right person.

Caveat-i am a newly wed so possibly i have rose coloured specs on this one!

I would agree that counselling could be helpful.

LegacyUser

OP, are you on the pill?

I went through a very similar situation where I felt exactly the same as you and turned out it was the pill that had me feeling as I did, I came off it and after a few months it was like I was in a new relationship.

All great since.

Ruby-J

wherefromhere wrote: »

I am a lady in her 30’s and I have been in the same relationship for 10 years and engaged for 4 of them. We have not married because I always felt I wasn’t fully ready for marriage but that I would in a years time etc. We bought a house but just live together at the weekends due to the nature of my Fiancees work.

The problem is the last few months I have realised its not that I wasn’t ready to get married. I do love my Fiancee but the more I am honest with myself I realise that I am not in love with him. I don’t ever initiate anything intimate and when we are intimate I feel nothing. Absolutely nothing. I have tried so hard since I realised what the problem is to see the best in him and how much he cares for me but I just cant make myself feel in love or want to be held or want to be intimate in any way. I have made so many efforts with weekends away to try to do romantic things in the hope it would change how I feel but it doesn’t. He has done absolutely nothing wrong I think I have always felt like this but its after really coming to a head after all my denial. The strange things is that despite that fact that he really cares for me (my friends all tell me I am the centre of his world) I honestly don’t think he is in love with me either. How could he be when he is going out with someone who is as cold as im sure I must be despite my efforts? He never does anything spontaneous or as a surprise and I really feel that Christmas and birthday presents the last few years have been buy me the first thing he can find that I would not usually be interested in. Maybe does he feel the same but he was and still is the one pushing for a wedding.

The thing is I am so so scared of ending it but is it fair on either of us to be with someone who does really care for me but that I am not in love with. Don’t get me wrong I don’t expect my life to exactly be the notebook movie but I just feel I need more from this relationship now and its not his fault or mine its just one for the those things. As I said I am so scared of being alone but I am even more scared of doing nothing about it and always wondering what it and not being truly happy. Either way im going to hurt him – by ending it or by doing nothing and depriving him of someone who will love him back. I cant tell my friends or family they have no idea how I feel and will tell me I have cold feet and stop being silly etc. I am also so angry with myself for letting this drift on for so long before really addressing the problem. I know I am so lucky to have someone who cares for me but I also don’t feel that he makes me feel feminine or protected as he is the same build as myself (thats probably a really fickle thing so say but its how I feel).

Has anyone ever felt like this? I have no where to turn and no one to talk to and its making me really depressed to he honest. I would really appreciate any advice and thanks so much in advance.

Hi Op, Firstly let me just tell you that i couldve sworn it was ME who typed this post! I was in this exact same position only back in November 2009. I was in a long term relationship and engaged for one year. Like you i never initiated the intimacy and when we were intimate i felt nothing and it made me more upset. We were living as friends and not lovers or partners. I decided to go to counselling to talk to a professional about my relationship as like you i felt family and friends wouldnt understand and everyone thought we were the perfect couple. It was only in the therapy that she outlined for me "Why are you lying to yourself? What are you trying to prove and to who?" It took me days and days to get the courage and strength to talk to my fiance at the time. When we both sat down to talk about it, I told him i was no longer in love with him but yet i still loved him and still do to this day as he is a lovely guy but sadly we outgrew each other or something. It turned out that he wasnt in love with me either and we both called it a day but gradually split over time so that we could tell family and friends when we both were able to gather our own thoughts and emotions. Now dont get me wrong for several months it was tough, i had those thoughts about "OH no, im going to be alone! Will i ever be in love again? Will i ever get engaged again?" But to be honest OP, it was the best decision i ever made. I was able to get a whole new lease of life again. Made new friends and took an interest in things i probably would never have done. I found who the real me was again. MY ex and i are still "friends" as in we might send each other a text or a phonecall on occasion but we have both since dated other people and are grateful that we have the chance to now fall in love with other people that may be "the one".

My heart does go out to you as it not easy. But you have to take a step back and think, is this what i want for the rest of my life? Or can i follow my heart and give us both a second chance at love with other people. It is only you who can answer this.

Speaking from experience, I can honestly say, calling it a day may be the best thing for you both. There is life out there and you will fall in love again.

Miss Fluff

It's time to set yourself free.

I spent my 20s with a guy who I really loved. And he proposed on bended knee on holiday after a few years of us being together. I desisted and said "not yet", and I should have listened to myself then rather than let it drag on. We were together over six years in all and he was a great guy but the last year was so painful because I grieved for the relationship while still in it. So the day came and I ended it. I broke his heart but not for one single solitary moment after that day did I look back with regret.

And I'm so glad I didn't "make do". It's left the way clear for the real deal.

If you no longer love him you can't force it. And tbh it seems like it has dragged on long enough.