How to meet in the middle

LegacyUser

Hi!
Im going to go unreg for this and I'll be short and sweet but I would appreciate any input.

Basically my OH and I have been together for over a year and a half. For the 1st year it wa an LDR, it was hard but we coped seeing eachother at weekends and it worked out in ways as we got to do our own thing still.

We have since moved tp the same city and moved in with eachother. We have aree arguments but oin the whoel its great.

Except.... The sex has become quite frustrating, well not the sex but the frequency of it. Now I now that we are out of the honeymoon period, and that people have differing libidos, but I have a quite high sex drive, as in I would be doing it all the time if I could, whereas she seems not to bothered.

I have brought it up a couple of times but both were after we had drink taken so might not have been the most benefical. but she is aware it's a problem. But even after these conversations where she admitted to her low sex drive she later tried to turn it around on me for bringing it up, saying that I had called her sh*t and that I was just oversexed!! To be fair she is overly defensive in all arguments, it's just her way i think.

Now from what i gather it has been an issue in previous relationships also. I don't know is there some underlying self image issue at play as she does put herself down alot. There is always the promises, "later on", "we'll have a dirt weekend" etc. but it never comes to fruitition.

Im at my wits end, I love this girl with all my heart and Im petrified to lose her but I just feel that it will only get worse and I will only end up resenting the situation and her as a result. I would never want to cheat, never have and have always sadi t friends that have done in the past "if you want to score all round you why bother being wiht x at all"... But now Im wondering will I resist if the opportunity for sex comes along given that im am to put it bluntly not been satisfied at home!!!

Any advice on how she could hieghten her desire for sex or even how I could stop been such a horndog?

Any advice would be appreciated.

Yours hopefully,

squonk

OP, as you said yourself, if you want to put it about, get out! End the relationship if you want more regular sex with someone other than your gf.

I'm thinking ultimately maybe a couples counsellor might be able to help you with this.

However, there might be ways to spice things up a bit. Instead of waiting for one or other of you to get a dirty weekend organised, maybe you could whisk her away to somewhere nice and secluded and romantic?

Also, speak to her about it but not with drink. do it when you're both being rational. Maybe try a different tack so she becomes less defensive.

My guess though is if she's becoming defensive she may have some issues she's trying to gloss over. Maybe you could help her with these. Again, counselling might be beneficial. She's have to want to do it though.

In the end, tell her straight out why and how this is affecting you. I'd steer clear of mentioning thoughts of sleeping with other women though. Really, if she cares about you then she has to acknowledge it and try and help you both work through this.

lace

Try to have a talk with her but without the alcohol. Sit her down and explain that you don't expect her to keep up with your sex drive but she can't expect you to change to match hers either.

Let her know that the relationship is important to you and that sex life is a really important part. Perhaps a good honest, open talk will help you to understand what it is that's causing her low libido.

It could be underlying body issues/lack of confidence/bad experiences/fear of rejection/hormones etc. The only way you'll find out is by talking to her.

Was the sex life really good initially and then it just fizzled out? A change in sex drive could be down to anything from stress to hormonal contraceptives. If she comes to recognise it as a problem maybe you could persuade her to have a chat with her doctor?

Ultimately though, if it turns out that this is just the way she is and she's unwiling/unable to try or to change then you need to think about whether or not you can see a future with little/no sex. If you think you can't then you need to find someone who can keep up with you.

Devon Brown

Good and productive conversations just don't happen when drinking. You may be able to suss out some truth, but you will never get a resolution at that point.

You two have been together 2 years. One of it was long distance. You have to be able to communicate fairly well. Talk to each other. Ask her what is wrong in a non-judgmental way. Be calm and compassionate. And be willing to accept responsibility if anything is your fault.

Couples counselling is not a bad idea, but I have a feeling you two might be able to work this out yourselves if you give each other a chance.

Good luck.