Teenage Crisis

marzipan1

Okay where to start I have 4 children, all teenagers over the age of 13. My 15 year old daughter has gone off the rails. She refuses to go to school. I just about got her to sit her junior cert but she is refusing to go back in September for Transition year. I have tried everything...being nice, taking things away but, nothing works. She was a sweet kid, but, for the last year she has completely changed she drinks smokes and recently i found out she is taking drugs. We have a stable family, the other teenagers are doing well and enjoy school. I am married, but, my husband seems to have taken a back seat on this, leaving me to deal with the situation. I am cracking up, as i dont know what to do. She got a JVO for shoplifting recently despite my giving her money to do her shopping on that occassion. I dont know how much more I can take, I just cant seem to get through to her...please help...

Ickle Magoo

Moved from tLL.

Hi there OP, this is the parenting forum, you'll get good advice here. :cool:

Have you taken her to the doctor to get a referral for one of the services that deal with teenage mental health problems.

Did you speak to he career guidance/ counselling teacher in her school.

Did you get the community liaison guard to talk to her.

Have you asked her what her plan for next year is.

RedXIV

Not sure how feasible it is OP but can you do a complete lockdown? Keep her in the house 24/7 for the holidays? I find with most teenagers, they seldom go off the rails alone, there is generally a group. If you can seperate her from the group and let her know WHY she's being seperated, it may be possible to get through to her.

At 15 its time to start hammering home some truths about life, number one being that no one will support someone who doesn't appreciate it. You're giving her money, why? what has she done to EARN it? Is she paying for her own phone? no? then take it off her. Thats a privilege she should respect and therefore if she doesn't, remove it.

Did she react at all in a way that showed remorse with the shoplifting? embarrassment even? If so, maybe the law enforcement route is the way to go, if you catch her smoking, bring her to the shop she got them and make her give them back without getting her money back, same with drink. If you catch her under the influence of drugs, bring her to the local garda station. My dad used to run a small village one and he'd take young people in and lock them in for the night, let them sweat about it till morning and let them go after a blistering lecture.

This is an example in life where being a thundering bitch will stand to you This is the toughest part of parenting, but if you waver at all, you've lost. Make sure she knows you've an iron fist and don't be afraid to back up ANY threat or she'll walk all over you.

Best of luck OP, this will be tough but do it right and you'll be fine

marzipan1

thanks for the advice. Yes I have tried all sorts, I made numerous appointments with councellors and parental advice centres. She runs away whenever there is an appointment made. We tried to ground her so she wouldnt see her friends, she climbed out of the window on one occassion on another when my husband tried to stop her going out she called the garda and told them we where abusing her! I dont give her money for credit, somehow her circle of friends seem to give her what she needs.

RedXIV

Do they have a regular hang out area? Somewhere they tend to meet up? If they are doing drugs, tell the gardai where they meet and say you are concerned since you discovered they have given your daughter drugs.

This is basically a power stuggle OP and it depends on how far you are willing to push it. I can't speak for what the majority says is right but If I grounded someone and they thought it was acceptable to climb out the window, i'd lock the windows. Failing that, I'd put the money into getting a couple of bars on it. That may sound over the top but i wouldn't be willing to let her think she can get away with that behavior.

Maybe I'm clouded by the fact I don't like to lose or give ground on things I've already decided but if she's not going to school, that would be too much for me.

marzipan1

her hang out area goes accross the county as in she regularly goes to Kildare to hang out. (I dont give her bus fare, she seems to find it somehow) I believe she owes money there now, so really worried i might have drug dealers knocking on my door any time soon. I know this is a power struggle, i get that. But, it doesnt make it any easier. i cannot police the door all the time, so if she wants to get out she will find a way. She has about 50 friends all over the place who seem to want to help her whenever she needs a place to stay, God knows what she tells their parents, but, i am guessing because its the summer hols, that they are letting her stay as it isnt a schoolnight etc., i would phone the garda if I knew who was supplying her, but, as it stands, despite numerous investigations i dont know who half these people are...

RedXIV

I've an 11 month old daughter who makes a dash for everything she's not allowed in the house once my back is turned. If your daughter is acting like a baby, treat her as such. We have a stair-gate and keep doors locked. You don't need to police a room with locked windows and doors

Ayla

A strange idea, but do you have any family or friends in another country? Somewhere where she'd be sent for a few months to break the cycle she's in & get her away from the habits she's forming.

Although part of me agrees with the complete lockdown idea, I'm having a hard time seeing the long term benefit of it. If she's in house arrest for a few weeks/months, what will her reaction be when she gets out? Would she see the right path, or would it cause her to rebel completely & disappear?

marzipan1

I have relatives in England, Her nanny wants to take her in for a bit, but, my husband has said no. He says we would be passing the responsibility to someone else if we do. My mam is 73 so I dont think she would be able to cope either...

Ayla

Agree, this would not be a good time for your daughter to be in the care of a (well intentioned) 73 year old woman.

Other relatives/friends - preferrably with balanced/healthy kids of similar ages?

And your husband's concerned about passing the buck? How about he step up & be active in the management of this situation?

RedXIV

Ayla wrote: »

A strange idea, but do you have any family or friends in another country? Somewhere where she'd be sent for a few months to break the cycle she's in & get her away from the habits she's forming.

This is a very good idea

Ayla wrote: »

Although part of me agrees with the complete lockdown idea, I'm having a hard time seeing the long term benefit of it. If she's in house arrest for a few weeks/months, what will her reaction be when she gets out? Would she see the right path, or would it cause her to rebel completely & disappear?

Well the point is to do it as she breaks a rule. She breaks a rule, she spends a day inside. she runs away for 2 days, she spends 2 days inside. Explain why she's being punished and make sure there is nothing in the room to distract her so she can actually think about it. the OP sounds pretty reasonable and considering she had 3 other kids with no problems, she's hardly a tyrant. The child needs to realise that those paying the bills are the ones in charge

marzipan1

I think its a good idea too, but, my husband is not budging on it. Although he is taking no responsibility in this matter, he doesnt like my family and will not let her go, despite my mam asking him several times, to let her go over. I have spoken to a psychologist, she sais its not a mental problem. I have spoken to the guidance councellor who says she has no fear of authority, so how can I make her listen if she just laughs in my face?

Ayla

I honestly have no idea, but god do I feel for you! This is a really scary time for you, and everything seems to be in the balance right now.

Do you go the lockdown method (thus hopefully knock some sense into her, but possibly causing her to freak out altogether & completely flip once she tastes freedome again)?

Or do you go against your hubby, who clearly doesn't feel responsible for your daughter's well being, and ship her off to someone else (change of scenery & hopeful break of cycle, but possible nightmare for receiving family)?

Or do you surrender all other job/family responsibilities you personally have, and take your daughter out to the backwoods of beyond for time away (change of scenery & little chance of her running away, but the grouchiest camping companion you could hope for!)?

Or do you call the guards, tell them what she's doing & insist that someone somewhere lock her up (boy would that make you the baddy!)

I am sorry, honestly I don't know what I'd do. All I can say is that you're doing the best you can for her, and if I were you I'd completely flip on the husband - how dare he back away from this & let you take the responsibility & potention fallout for it all!

RedXIV

If she laughs in the face of authority, she doesn't take it seriously.

Take something of hers she likes and break it. Seriously.

My mam did this to me and my brother with our playstation and we never forgot it. learned our place very quickly.

An unfulfilled threat is as useless as a chocolate oven

Ayla

See I don't think - in this particular situation - that that approach would work. I think the daughter has networked herself a lot of "friends" who will give her money, provide her lodging, get her drugs/smokes/drinks. These "friends" are the most dangerous kind - the type who will give freely, but look for return with interest.

If the OP breaks something (phone, for example) the daughter will likely go & get another from these "friends." If she's already reached the point that she will call the guarda & lie to them against her parents, she's hardly going to feel rebuked by being grounded/locked in her bedroom.

marzipan1

Ayla, I agree with you, but, my husband is running scared after she called the garda that time, he was convinced they would believe her and would end up in prison, despite my explaining that we have no history of that or abuse or anything in our family so they would not believe her. The garda in fact told us that they would not get involved as it was a domestic thing, in fact everyone i have spoken to in authority has blamed me for not being tough enough with her. I am crying as i write this as i feel such a failure and my nature is a soft one, so i find it hard to be aggressive to any of my kids...

RedXIV

Ayla wrote: »

See I don't think - in this particular situation - that that approach would work. I think the daughter has networked herself a lot of "friends" who will give her money, provide her lodging, get her drugs/smokes/drinks. These "friends" are the most dangerous kind - the type who will give freely, but look for return with interest.

If the OP breaks something (phone, for example) the daughter will likely go & get another from these "friends." If she's already reached the point that she will call the guarda & lie to them against her parents, she's hardly going to feel rebuked by being grounded/locked in her bedroom.

Thats the point though. If she's under lockdown, she can't contact these friends. Every parent - child relationship works because the parent provides for the child. There is always something the child needs that the parent provides, so once thats identified, remove it. Make her realise she's not in for an easy ride


Also, as pointed out, your husband needs to man up. you don't pick and choose when to be a parent. Now is the time for intervention

Ayla

Can you think of anything specifically she enjoyed doing before she got messed up in all this? Any sports? Music? Are there any sort of camps you could send her to that will help her remember the good stuff?

Do you know someone who can play the hard ball who will take her camping for a week & not put up with any crap from her?

Ayla

RedXIV wrote: »

Thats the point though. If she's under lockdown, she can't contact these friends...Make her realise she's not in for an easy ride

Normally I would 100% agree with you. But, imagine, after lockdown is done (be that after 2 days or 2 months), what is this particular kid going to do? Do you think she'll have learned her lesson? Would she be repentant? Or do you think she'd have spent that time stewing on how horrible her parents are to do this to her, and then take the first opportunity to run away & disappear?

OP - if you think your daughter would react negatively to lockdown, you need to do something else. You don't want her to get smarter with her ways of hurting you.

marzipan1

Ok firstly last time my husband tried to stop her going out she created a struggle and tried to hit him with a brick. She called the garda who said it was a domestic and couldnt help. He was terrified that he would get arrested despite us having no history of child abuse or domestic violence. He was really freaked out and has refused to get involved ever since. I feel alone and all the authority figures i have dealt with have basically blamed me...i am so upset that i am crying as i write this...I love my children and would do anything for them but, i just cant cope anymore...

RedXIV

Ayla wrote: »

Normally I would 100% agree with you. But, imagine, after lockdown is done (be that after 2 days or 2 months), what is this particular kid going to do? Do you think she'll have learned her lesson? Would she be repentant? Or do you think she'd have spent that time stewing on how horrible her parents are to do this to her, and then take the first opportunity to run away & disappear?

OP - if you think your daughter would react negatively to lockdown, you need to do something else. You don't want her to get smarter with her ways of hurting you.

Honestly, i see where you are coming from, but when you've nothing in the room to do, no tv, no music, no books and all you can do is think, honestly, how long can you stew for? Even in my most tempermental stages, I could do it for about 2 hours before I realised "I'm being a idiot". There is literally going to be a lightbulb moment when she realises "this isn't worth the effort" and then you're laughing. but its hard as hell until that stage

RedXIV

marzipan1 wrote: »

Ok firstly last time my husband tried to stop her going out she created a struggle and tried to hit him with a brick. She called the garda who said it was a domestic and couldnt help. He was terrified that he would get arrested despite us having no history of child abuse or domestic violence. He was really freaked out and has refused to get involved ever since. I feel alone and all the authority figures i have dealt with have basically blamed me...i am so upset that i am crying as i write this...I love my children and would do anything for them but, i just cant cope anymore...

Are any of your children older than her and able to reign her in?

Ayla

Red, I don't think you're really seeing how serious this situation is. The OP's child is not going through a stage of typical teenage rebellion. Taking away her phone & computer is not going to "snap" her out of this. For that to work, the child has to have some sense of right & wrong, and some respect for authority. This is not something that can be solved that easily.

She's out on the streets, getting drugs & doing god knows what. This is not something that a timeout will solve. Do you honestly see her coming out clean after a lockdown?

OP - I'm practically crying for you, this is heartbreaking. You have to do something though. If your husband's scared of her now it's your responsibility. Find someone, do something. A sport camp? A hardcore family friend who can take her somewhere? A youth project? A centre for troubled teens? Anything, but you have to do something - this will not get better on its own.

znv6i3h7kqf9ys

Your daughter will thank you some day for a heavy handed approach. You may have to wait 10 years for this though so be prepared for war not battle. This is a power struggle. What is concerning though and it seems to emerge in a couple of your posts is where is she getting the money from. If she is shoplifting and involved with drugs, prostitution is not far down that road. Maybe this will kick your husband into action.

Quandary

Very tough situation OP.

You sound like you have tried the softly softly approach; this hasn't worked obviously. She is 15 which is old enough to be able to discuss problems, if not with you then with someone. Is there a relation in the family she gets on really well with? if so maybe they could have quiet chat with her in a more tactful way.

If all other options have been exausted, you need to be much tougher with everything imo. The gardai have already said they wont get involved in the domestic so I would literally stuff her into her room and bolt the door and window. Take her phone, internet access, anything that will enable external communication.

The situation simply cannot be allowed to continue, if your husband wont get involved then you need to tackle the problems on your own unfortunately.

She is 15 now - if this continues for a few years she will be 18 and free to do as she pleases.

Really hope the situation starts improving for you.

RedXIV

Ayla wrote: »

Red, I don't think you're really seeing how serious this situation is. The OP's child is not going through a stage of typical teenage rebellion. Taking away her phone & computer is not going to "snap" her out of this. For that to work, the child has to have some sense of right & wrong, and some respect for authority. This is not something that can be solved that easily.

She's out on the streets, getting drugs & doing god knows what. This is not something that a timeout will solve. Do you honestly see her coming out clean after a lockdown?

OP - I'm practically crying for you, this is heartbreaking. You have to do something though. If your husband's scared of her now it's your responsibility. Find someone, do something. A sport camp? A hardcore family friend who can take her somewhere? A youth project? A centre for troubled teens? Anything, but you have to do something - this will not get better on its own.

Think about it. She doesn't respect authority. The only reason people don't respect authority is because they haven't experience the power going along with that. Thats the main battle here. Its not nice, it certainly won't be easy but at the end of the day, its going to take a massive stand for the OP AND her family to fix this.

For example, she tried to hit her father with a brick? Bring her down to the garda station and get her to make a statement. Report the assualt. If you don't, she'll think its fine to do it again. Let her cry abuse all she wants, thats why we have tests. To prove her wrong.

I don't envy you OP but you HAVE to be strong in this. Any sign of weakness will be taken advantage of.

Ayla

Quandary wrote: »

so I would literally stuff her into her room and bolt the door and window. Take her phone, internet access, anything that will enable external communication.

But for how long? You can't leave her locked in forever. At some point you will let her out, and what has been brewing as resentment in her mind will explode into full blown hatred towards her parents. She'll bolt and disappear into this dark world.

Under normal misbehaviour issues, I would completely support lockdown. I just don't see it turning out well in this particular situation.

Ayla

RedXIV wrote: »

For example, she tried to hit her father with a brick? Bring her down to the garda station and get her to make a statement. Report the assualt. If you don't, she'll think its fine to do it again. Let her cry abuse all she wants, thats why we have tests. To prove her wrong.

The OP has already said multiple times that the guardi are not getting involved (domestic disturbance).

Jagle

you need to find out what drugs she is taking for a start, there is a big difference between each one, but i wouldnt be too concerned, understand almost every young person in this day and age has access to/ or would try drugs.

Your daughter sounds like a complete brat, im sorry to say, and i know it must be hard for you as a mother to see this happening, but that doesnt change the fact that your daughter has clearly no respect for you, your husband or the family as a whole, and so i feel its time to stop respecting her, she needs to know its not acceptable.

I agree that older siblings/cousins can help straighten her out, put some sense into her, but i would seriously consider removing access to any phone/pc/tv/facebook anything, leave her with nothing for a start.
When i acted up as a teenager, i hated my parents for what they did, but as soon as you mature you realise that they did it for your own good.

RedXIV

Ayla wrote: »

The OP has already said multiple times that the guardi are not getting involved (domestic disturbance).

Attacked by a brick is not a domestic disturbance. Go back down to the guards and make a statement, if they send you away, demand to speak to a sergeant, my dad's a guard, and he spent half his life at domestics, the guards don't just suddenly pick and choose what they do any more

LegacyUser

Hi,

I really feel for you and can clearly see your concern from your posts. I myself am a secondary school teacher and have seen teenagers change in this way with every year group that passes through our doors.

First thing to say is that this is not your fault, in reality there is more than likely nothing you could have done to prevent this. In my experience a lot students who change like this are having some personal difficulties- perhaps lack of self confidence, body image issues or bullying. They turn to a large group of often older teenagers for protection and reassurance. Drugs and alcohol are obviously a way of fitting in or escaping whatever is troubling her.

You could try sit down with your daughter and ask her if she doesn't want to go back to school what does she want to do. This simple question could be a way of opening up dialogue. I imagine at the moment she feels that you are the enemy trying to "hold her back" (she doesn't see it from an adults point of view). If you try opening a positive dialogue this may help get things going.

There are obviously reasons why her friends are giving her money and sex could be one. I know it may be hard to think of this but it is a real possiblity.

Overall, you need to stay calm, shouting and arguing will make her feel that you are against her. I think constant communication with Gardai and school are also important.

While the suggestion to send her to a camp or relative may seem like a good idea in reality if she doesn't want to go she won't stay and will run away.

Again, I really feel for you and wish I could be more helpful......

Quandary

Ayla wrote: »

But for how long? You can't leave her locked in forever. At some point you will let her out, and what has been brewing as resentment in her mind will explode into full blown hatred towards her parents. She'll bolt and disappear into this dark world.

Under normal misbehaviour issues, I would completely support lockdown. I just don't see it turning out well in this particular situation.

The only thing she seems to want is complete freedom. She is not old enough to handle that yet.

Her freedom needs to be taken from her until she is prepared to agree to talk to somebody. However long it takes, 2 days, a week, more? Seriously, worse case scenario she wrecks the room in a fit of rage, let her. If you are working OP I would take a week of work if possible if i was you and try the lock down approach. If you don't try it then you wont know whether or not it will work.

Also, do you know the friends she is hanging around with? try get in contact with their parents to see if they are going through something similar? strength in numbers and all that

Ayla

OP, all you can do (and have done) is your best.

Sure, try the lockdown if you think it'll help. I disagree with Quandry, though, that the worst that'll happen is that she destroys the room. That's small peanuts to me. I've said before that I think the worst (and, imo, more probable outcome) is that she'll be smart, pretend to be repentant, then disappear at the first opportunity.

I truly think the best option for you at this time is to seperate her from all that she knows and the routines that she's forming. She needs to experience something different, remember what fun some activities can be. She needs to meet new/healthier friends. None of that will happen in lockdown.

marzipan1

okay so i confronted her in a strong way, i explained all the things she is doing to her body and how she is effecting her life with it all. I have told her she is grounded, she is up in her room now. Before she did, she told me that she hates me, to shut up and that I am a fool who knows nothing. She also told me to ring up the social welfare and have her taken away as she doesnt want to live here anymore anyway. I am still shaking from this encounter, i gave her the opportunity to speak but, she just snarled at me and told me to get lost, I dont know if this has helped I shall wait and see....

Jagle

marzipan1 wrote: »

okay so i confronted her in a strong way, i explained all the things she is doing to her body and how she is effecting her life with it all. I have told her she is grounded, she is up in her room now. Before she did, she told me that she hates me, to shut up and that I am a fool who knows nothing. She also told me to ring up the social welfare and have her taken away as she doesnt want to live here anymore anyway. I am still shaking from this encounter, i gave her the opportunity to speak but, she just snarled at me and told me to get lost, I dont know if this has helped I shall wait and see....

honestly that was great, her attitude stunk but you did very well.

perhaps ring social welfare and question if they could take her off you, just to turn around to her tell her youve spoken to them and they will put her in a foster home for the next 2 years, might scare her a bit.

please make sure while she is up in her room she doesnt ahve phone/computer/tv anything to distract her from why she is in there

RedXIV

marzipan1 wrote: »

okay so i confronted her in a strong way, i explained all the things she is doing to her body and how she is effecting her life with it all. I have told her she is grounded, she is up in her room now. Before she did, she told me that she hates me, to shut up and that I am a fool who knows nothing. She also told me to ring up the social welfare and have her taken away as she doesnt want to live here anymore anyway. I am still shaking from this encounter, i gave her the opportunity to speak but, she just snarled at me and told me to get lost, I dont know if this has helped I shall wait and see....

Thats a FANTASTIC start. really, you should be proud of yourself. I know it hurts hearing things like that but unfortunately, you will probably hear them for a while. But serious, big hats off to you for taking a step up in this. It does get easier the more you do it so DON'T back down now and keep the tough stance for a while.

bulmersgal

I'd drag her down to where she can see the biggest load of junkies and ask her is this the way she wants to grow up like. I think you need to be firm, when i was younger I lived in rough area and the sight of all those poor junkies scared me silly, I was terrified to touch drugs incase I ended up like them.

Is there such a thing as Narcotics anonymous? Maybe bring her to one of those classes and listen to people who started out the way she did.

You did the right thing by confronting her and being strong on outside. Its so hard when you can see somebody throwing there life away. Hopefully she sees sense soon

Ayla

bulmersgal wrote: »

I'd drag her down to where she can see the biggest load of junkies and ask her is this the way she wants to grow up like. I think you need to be firm, when i was younger I lived in rough area and the sight of all those poor junkies scared me silly, I was terrified to touch drugs incase I ended up like them.

Good idea!

OP - great job! As the others said, she's going to say (and probably mean) that she hates you, but that's ok for now. Let her hate you all she needs to, but you are the parent & you are doing this for her good. Stick to it!

Quandary

Well done OP, that's a great start!

She is old enough to understand that she can't continue behaving like this. Also make sure that your husband doesn't undermine your rules by giving in to her.

I had problems with my youngest daughter when she was a young teenager, noting like as bad as your describing, she turned out fine in the end, and at 18 is grand has a boyfriend, friends, she has just finished school and is going to college things can turn out all right. She was about sixteen and a half before things took a turn for the better.

If she agrees to go back to school don't make her do forth year let her go in to fifth year and get out of school as quick as she can, tell her all you expect is that she pass her leaving cert.

It was noting in particular that worked for my daughter I think she just grew up, but her dad my ex husband is the kind of man that people describe as having presence and his attitude to her was my will is stronger than yours and you will not get the better of me.

I feel so sorry for you its so stressful to deal with.

marzipan1

yep that has been a bit of a problem in the past, you know good cop bad cop scenario,me being the bad cop or so it seems, i do find this hard sometimes and when i tell him he gets narky with me, the trouble is she took an overdose last year and i suppose he is worried about that side of things, God! I hate being a parent sometimes, thank God my other three are stable and only go off the rails as most teenagers do sometimes....thanks for all the advice, I will keep you posted...

Justask

First thing to do is contact the education welfare officer, I know someone who was in your shoes and they contacted them because the last thing you right now is the hassle of them knocking on your door about her absent from school. Its you they will come after not her. So you need to inform them of your situation.

Havent read all the thread yet bit this is an important thing to do.

Justask

You seem to be doing all you can, you hubby really needs to cop on and give you more suport, you dont need a battle with him aswell.


This might be worth a look....

http://www.bbbsireland.ie/

marzipan1

I already contacted the welfare officer, i was a bit scared first of all, but, she turned out to be really nice, but, they cant really help in this situation or so it seems. they cannot make her physically go to school. recently i started marching her to the school but, she would leave as soon as the first lesson was over in transit to the next, the school basically said they are not a prison and cannot keep an eye on her all the time. Grounding her this time has been for going on a bender for the last few days on a drugs and alcohol binge, I dont know if this is going to help overall with the school thing, or if things are going to change, but, i have to do something as the situation is heartbreaking at the moment..

LadyMayBelle

In my honest opinion OP, I would ring social services, right this minute and make an urgent referral and tell them you cannot handle your daughters behaviour anymore. I have come across a very similar family situation recently where the parents are terrified of their daughter because she verbally, physically and emotionally abuses them and has made horrific threats, which she then carries out.

The talks haven't worked. The gardai haven't done anything (except they should have made a referal based on the age of your teen). Lockdown may/may not be working. Shut off the internet/phones, and do NOT switch it back on.

Yes there are issues that need to be addressed in you and your husbands parenting styles, and you can have them addressed through a social services intervernion, be it be attending skills groups or whatever.

If you admit you cannot handle your daughter's behaviour, and she needs help, they will have to step in and yes if that means time away

LadyMayBelle

From a qucik read of the posts, it strikes me how scared you are of her behaviour and that makes me think, wow what must it feel like for your daughter to have that power; as great as it seems, it's scary!!

As well as all the normal ups and downs of teenage life you daughter is experincing, she has a shed load of issues and bad attitutides, which can be sorted and helped, WHEN she is ready to face up. Where you are at now, I think is crisis point, where you need external help and you cannot back down. You are the parent.

I imagine, that things will fizzle out a bit, but erupt again in a massive crisis, so act now. You'll hear horrible things like she hates you and never wants to see you and wishes you were dead, but stand firm and don't act back in anger.

You're not 'giving' up because you phone social services by the way, you're reaching out because you need help and cannot do it alone.

marzipan1

I agree it seems to go good for a little while and when i think she is okay again it all sparks up again, and then POW! back to square one with it. I have a social services lady who is going to contact me tomorrow, but, i am scared of this too, I dont want my daughter taken away, I grew up in a big family with a tough mother who beat us regularly and this is why i probably went the other way, I feel a failure as a parent for not being able to sort this out. My heart is breaking from all the hate aimed at me today. But, I know now its for the best, yet still I dont want her taken away from me, I love her...

Justask

marzipan1 wrote: »

I agree it seems to go good for a little while and when i think she is okay again it all sparks up again, and then POW! back to square one with it. I have a social services lady who is going to contact me tomorrow, but, i am scared of this too, I dont want my daughter taken away, I grew up in a big family with a tough mother who beat us regularly and this is why i probably went the other way, I feel a failure as a parent for not being able to sort this out. My heart is breaking from all the hate aimed at me today. But, I know now its for the best, yet still I dont want her taken away from me, I love her...

STOP...you are not a failure as a parent, far from it. The last thing they will do is take her away from you that will be a very very last resort. You contacted social services which is a massive difference then been reported. Its worlds apart.

Maybe it will give her a fright, one she needs!! My heart is going out to you it truely is.

Aye Bosun

Locking down a 15 yr old girl is only going to make her more angry and push her away from the family unit. I speak from experience as I was that 15yr old girl some 15 years ago. I was smoking, drink and taking drugs, angry with the world, no time for school just my friends, if my parents even spoke to me I'd fly off the handle. There is no point in trying to stop your daughter from see her friends, she will find a way somehow and in reality she is nearly an adult (she is an adult in her own eyes) and you need to address this situation accordingly.
Some good advice is breaking the cycle for your daughter and showing her a new perspective on life. I don't know if you have ever heard of sail training (you don't have to be into sailing to take to part), and the benefits it has on young people, it is a life changing experience. You are thrown into an environment that you are unfamiliar with, with a bunch of people your age, from all walks of life. You have to learn to work, live and play together. You quickly learn you cannot do it on your own and need the help of those around. I was sent off on the Asgard II to when I was 16yrs, I will never forget that experience for the rest of my life. When I walked out the door of my family home I was a B*tch when I arrived home 2 weeks later I was different person, according to my mother I actually looked different, but inside I was more confident in myself and realised that I made the choices in my life but I had to live with the consequences also. I know this all sounds a little too good to be true, but if you know anyone out there that has gone through sail training they will tell you the same. There are no more sail training boats left in Ireland after the Asgard sank, but if you google Sail Training International or Sail Training UK you will find lots of info about.
If you want to know more about, feel free to PM me.

LadyMayBelle

You situation is so, so hard and it’s natural for you to feel devastated…but you need to keep strong and remember that you need to protect and do what is best for you and your family. Social service involvement is a lot, lot different from your childhood experiences, which sound so sad. You’re not a failure, no way Jose! But you need to take back the control your daughter has taken.