so bloody confused

LegacyUser

Hey there, well I've hit a wall and Im looking for a bit of advice. Ive been in a relationship for 2 years.My OH is much older than me, has travelled the world, has had many sexual partners and loads of long term relationships.

This is my first relationship,I haven't travelled yet, I have always wanted to travel and see as much of the world as I could, party, have adventures, but OH has 'been there done that'.

I dont want to end the relationship, because I love him and dont want to be without him, and I really want to travel but I cant do both.

I just cant see the wood from the trees. Have any of you been through something like this?

Wibbs

Coming from a family where a lot of the men are at least a decade older than the women, this is one of the parts of an arrangement like this that can cause hassle, even heartache down the line. Like you said "the been there done that, so couldn't be arsed doing it again" scenario.

Now some of these men I know were not like that at all. Indeed welcomed doing it all over again and sharing that with someone they loved. Those were the ones that worked out really well. The others? not so much. In my experience most people have a "set age" in their heads. IE "I do this in my 20's and this in my 30's" and so on. Like ticking off a list. Then they "settle down" and they're happy like that. For others this set age is much more variable so experience is still experience regardless of age or stage in life, so the age/experience gap matters much less. The latter are rarer and it's also been my experience that they're rarer in men. Men tend to get stuck in their ways more, prefer the status quo kinda thing.

This is great if both are at that stage. Indeed the men who are more freewheeling can often irritate women their own age or women who want to settle down.

However if after two years he's not showing any signs of accommodating you willingly then I can't see how this will change. You're just different and at different stages. I'm not one of those who instanty calls for splitting with someone, but like I said I've seen what a lifetime of living with that entails for a woman in that position and its not good.

7Sins

Sounds to me like you and your partner are in two different places in life. Guessing he's looking to settle down, possibly starting a family? and perhaps you're not ready for this and want to see the world first. It could boil down to a compatibility issue, he may tick most of the boxes but not all and the one he doesn't tick for you is the most important one.

bird_on_a_wire

If he loves you, he'll let you go. What you need to do is think hard about what you want more, life is all about experiences if you give up on what you want for another person subconsciously you're always going to feel a little bitter towards them for taking that opportunity away from you.
The way I look at it is, if you travel I'm sure you'll be too caught up to miss him so terribly and if he's worth staying with he'll let you go and do your thing! You should travel, you should see the world and there's a lot more personal experience to be gained in exploring the world!
If it's also your first relationship you have a lot more to experience my dear!
I hope this helped, I also hope you go all around the place! Enjoy yourself!

curlzy

Hey OP,

Yes I've been there. I was with a guy 14 years older for 5 years, from the ages of 19 to 24. Honestly it's the biggest regret of my life. I wasted my early 20s hanging out at home weekend after weekend "putting my feet up" and missed out on years of partying and travelling etc. The difference here is that your guy is honest about it. My guy would never say "I don't want to....." instead he'd make me feel a bit thick for wanting to hang out with friends, travel, party etc. But that is neither here nor there. The real choice here and I'll put it bluntly: Are you willing to sacrifice your youth for this man? Now that sounds dramatic but it's really what it comes down to. Are you willing to live at his pace and miss out on living your youth to the maximum you can? Have a really good think about it because those years will slip by faster than you realise. Luckily for me I copped on and got out at 24 and met a fabulous younger man (a year younger than me) and I've since gone to France, Germany, Spain, Greece, most of Europe actually, I learned to fire perform, performed at festivals and concerts, gone to raves and parties, made tonnes of friends and I'm just back from a 2 month trip to California and Hawaii. All in all, I've had a marvelous time. I'm really glad I got out when I did, I shiver to think I could still be where I was if I hadn't gotton out of that relationship. So yeah have a good think about what you're willing to sacrifice for this man. Don't forget, while you may really miss him if you finish it there are plenty more men out there that you won't need to sacrifice anything for.

Best of luck, whatever you decide.

Kevin Duffy

How much have you talked about this with him? Does "been there done that" mean he has a few stories to tell when the subject comes up? Or does it mean he dismisses the idea of doing any of it again? How far apart are you on this?

Devon Brown

Too different places in life or two different viewpoints on life... However you think about it, it sounds like what you want from your life and what he wants from his life are very different. Don't let a relationship or the fear of the pain of a breakup keep you from living the life you want to live. You are the only one that can control your life and your own happiness.

Good luck.