affair suspected

LegacyUser

I suspect that my wife of 3 years is having an affiar with my best friend. now when i say they are having an affiar i suspect they may have slept together 4 or 5 times in the last 9 months. my reasons started about a year ago when we were away for the weekend. I went to bed drunk and left her up with a couple of the lads. I woke up at about 5 am and went down to the sitting room and they were both there. i told her to come to bed and she wouldnt. now they were fully clothed and nothing looked out of place but her determination to stay there with him at 5 am just didnt sit right with me. so after a lot of arguing i left her there with him and went to bed. this was the first time i ever felt something. it was more of a gut feeling than anything.

FF afew months and she has gone back to his house after the pub a few times and stayed until 4 or 5 am alone with him. once or twice i didnt say anything because it wasnt unusual for us to stay later drinking in friends house whether alone or together but again it didnt sit right. as well as that i have a 7 year old daughter so if i was staying in minding her i couldnt leave the house. one night i text and rang her knowing she was somewhere with him at around 4 am and i was getting no responce so i got up and left the house leaving my daughter asleep in bed alone. now its only around the corner but my mind was going haywire. i drove around the corner to find them standing there talking. this was 5 am and they deliberatly didnt come around the corner which is in sight of my house. anyway this has happened on a few occasions until last saturday night when i went on a bender and woke up a 4 am.

I waited up not knowing where she was and text her and told her i was home. about an hour later she came home and wouldnt tell me where she was because she was so pissed off i went on a bender. anyway 3 days later i pressed her on where she was as she was out with my mate again. she said that she dropped him home after the pub in a taxi and went to one of her friends house to talk. I asked her how she got home and she told me her friend who doesnt drink dropped her home. i lied and told her i saw her walking from the opposite direction and told her i watched her walking around the corner. she told me her friend dropped her at the main road instead of at the house. the direction she walked from is exactly where my best friend lives. now i know if i call her friend she will lie and cover fro my wife as good friends do.

so what will i do. her story is full of holes and i have no proof whatsoever but i really have a gut instinct. i really dont think my best friend is capable of this but i really dont know. i have now put a key logger on the computer although i dont think i''ll get any info from that. her phone is a no go and she keeps it like fort knox and sleeps with it in her pillow case. i did get her phone once and there was a message to my best friend in the sent items saying " I am really glad tonight happened" I put this up to her but she explained it away that she was really glad they went out for a drink. I really dont know what to do. I will no doubt gain access to her facebook and email from the keylogger but i dont know if she uses this to conduct the alleged relationship as the other guy is a total technophobe. she is defo hiding something but i cant prove anything.

i am no saint by the way but i would never sleep with anyone behind her back. i do a lot of stupid things like go on benders and i have been caught on a dating site..purely for escapism and ego massaging which she caught me on. she has also found a lot of flirty txts on my phone to other girls which were at best inappropriate. i think we are doomed. also se rarely make love anymore. perhaps once a month if even and i last about 2 mins if we do which also makes me belieive she may be looking elsewhere for satisfaction even though i make every effort to satisfy her in other ways. sheesh. i would like some feedback is all i dont know what to do at this point.

Miss Fluff

You don't mention anywhere in your post that you actually love your wife. Seems like a pretty unhealthy dynamic (from both of you) truth be told.

I'm also unclear what you're asking from your post. Are you asking whether it looks like she is having an affair? How to catch her? How to save your marriage? Do you want to?

LegacyUser

Miss Fluff wrote: »

You don't mention anywhere in your post that you actually love your wife. Seems like a pretty unhealthy dynamic (from both of you) truth be told.

I'm also unclear what you're asking from your post. Are you asking whether it looks like she is having an affair? How to catch her? How to save your marriage? Do you want to?

I do love her but until I know the truth I am obviously distraught about it. does it look like she is having an affair to you? How do I save my marriage. she has turned down counselling already. I dont think she wants to leave me but i suspect it may be more out of pity. I dont know. I have even googled how to clone a mobile phone or wondered could i get the data of her movements somehow. impossible i know.

curlzy

Wow OP, what a horrible relationship you have with your wife! I feel really sorry for your child tbh. You going on dating sites and exchanging flirty texts and her having affairs, wow, you sound as nasty and selfish as each other. I'm not going to give you advise on how to catch her because from the sounds of it she is having an affair. How would catching her change anything? I would suggest you both go to marraige counselling. Your marraige sounds like a total farce but perhaps if you both work really really really hard in marraige councelling you have a chance, but going on what you've said here, I seriously doubt it. I doubt either of you are capable of being honest and self-aware enough to make this better but for the sake of your daughter I hope you at least try. Also, I would consider going to Alcoholics Anonymous, your "benders" sound very worrying, especially if you're supposed to be minding your daughter at the time.

Best of luck.

squonk

A couple of things struck me OP from your post. Firstly, you are a married couple with a daughter but you both head out for nights where you're out till 4 and 5 AM. That's really not a good start to anything, let alone keeping a marriage going and raising kids.

I don't want to be judgemental but it sounds like you drink a fair bit. How long are you and your wife together? Have you spoken to her about this or has she said anything in the past?

Why did you get married? Because of your daughter? Can I ask, if she wasn't on the scene do you honestly think you would have married?

Could it be the case that both of you feel trapped and that your drinking reflects your desire to escape your unhappiness?

I don't get much sense of love coming across really OP. Using a keylogger and other such attempts come across as quite scary. it's not just you though, it sounds like her attempts to hide her phone, and actively do so, mean that she is always trying to hide something.

You definitely need counselling. I'm not sure what hope I see here. It sounds like there's very little of a base to work on here. You've both cheated on each other in varying ways. Even if one person can overcome that, can you both?

One final note, though not overly important. Is your mate an old friend of your wife's? If they were old friends and good friends I'd say there might be a case for thinking perhaps he's helping her through this bad period of her life, but I'm only throwing it out there because even if it was one of my best female friends going through something like you both are, then I don't think I'd be out with them til 4 or 5AM either.

My gut reaction is that this relationship sounds way too broken to ever be fixed. I don't want to discourage you but reading what you have written just depresses me to be honest.

Miss Fluff

patthejackine wrote: »

I do love her but until I know the truth I am obviously distraught about it. does it look like she is having an affair to you? How do I save my marriage. she has turned down counselling already. I dont think she wants to leave me but i suspect it may be more out of pity. I dont know. I have even googled how to clone a mobile phone or wondered could i get the data of her movements somehow. impossible i know.

Well based purely on conjecture I would say that yes, seems like she is having an affair. Even if she was not, she clearly has no respect for you or the family unit by staying out until all hours, God knows where, getting up to goodness knows what. Going on the evidence presented I would say she is cheating though. But then so have you. So it's all one big drink-fuelled toxic game of tit-for-tat between the two of you. Your poor little girl.

You can't continue as is so if she is adamant that she won't attend counselling with you (does she say why?) then it's entirely up to you whether you want to raise your daughter in such an awful environment. Some marriages are worth fighting tooth and nail for but there doesn't seem to be a huge deal to save here.

You should also both think seriously about knocking the booze on the head as it's clearly the root cause of all the destruction.

Count Duckula

You've been caught on dating sites, you got out on benders until the early hours despite having a young daughter at home?

Have you considered it might actually be this abhorrent behaviour that has driven your wife to seek the company of another, more mature, man?

Kevin Duffy

Dunno if your wife is having an affair or not, but I do know your relationship is toxic, as are your individual behaviours and you should be finding or creating a better environment for your daughter before you condition her to accept a woefully low standard in her future relationships.

LegacyUser

I should mention two things. I have never had an affair and I never go out on benders when my daughter is at home. its only when she is staying somewhere else for 24 hours like my mams or her cousins. I know it sounds like this happens week in week out but it is probably more like once a month if even. 90 percent of the time i stay in at weekends and have a few beers watching tele or perhaps go for a few local pints. maybe i should have clarified that.

I am a friend

Count Duckula wrote: »

You've been caught on dating sites, you got out on benders until the early hours despite having a young daughter at home?

Have you considered it might actually be this abhorrent behaviour that has driven your wife to seek the company of another, more mature, man?

+ 1....

Ye are well met and I am sure your daughter loves getting up every Sunday morning to the smell of booze in the house and 2 hungover parents...

LegacyUser

"seek the company of another, more mature, man?" He Drinks more than me, has no job and lives with his parents.

IrishEyes19

patrickthejackine wrote: »

I suspect that my wife of 3 years is having an affiar with my best friend. now when i say they are having an affiar i suspect they may have slept together 4 or 5 times in the last 9 months. my reasons started about a year ago when we were away for the weekend. I went to bed drunk and left her up with a couple of the lads. I woke up at about 5 am and went down to the sitting room and they were both there. i told her to come to bed and she wouldnt. now they were fully clothed and nothing looked out of place but her determination to stay there with him at 5 am just didnt sit right with me. so after a lot of arguing i left her there with him and went to bed. this was the first time i ever felt something. it was more of a gut feeling than anything.

FF afew months and she has gone back to his house after the pub a few times and stayed until 4 or 5 am alone with him. once or twice i didnt say anything because it wasnt unusual for us to stay later drinking in friends house whether alone or together but again it didnt sit right. as well as that i have a 7 year old daughter so if i was staying in minding her i couldnt leave the house. one night i text and rang her knowing she was somewhere with him at around 4 am and i was getting no responce so i got up and left the house leaving my daughter asleep in bed alone. now its only around the corner but my mind was going haywire. i drove around the corner to find them standing there talking. this was 5 am and they deliberatly didnt come around the corner which is in sight of my house. anyway this has happened on a few occasions until last saturday night when i went on a bender and woke up a 4 am.

I waited up not knowing where she was and text her and told her i was home. about an hour later she came home and wouldnt tell me where she was because she was so pissed off i went on a bender. anyway 3 days later i pressed her on where she was as she was out with my mate again. she said that she dropped him home after the pub in a taxi and went to one of her friends house to talk. I asked her how she got home and she told me her friend who doesnt drink dropped her home. i lied and told her i saw her walking from the opposite direction and told her i watched her walking around the corner. she told me her friend dropped her at the main road instead of at the house. the direction she walked from is exactly where my best friend lives. now i know if i call her friend she will lie and cover fro my wife as good friends do.

so what will i do. her story is full of holes and i have no proof whatsoever but i really have a gut instinct. i really dont think my best friend is capable of this but i really dont know. i have now put a key logger on the computer although i dont think i''ll get any info from that. her phone is a no go and she keeps it like fort knox and sleeps with it in her pillow case. i did get her phone once and there was a message to my best friend in the sent items saying " I am really glad tonight happened" I put this up to her but she explained it away that she was really glad they went out for a drink. I really dont know what to do. I will no doubt gain access to her facebook and email from the keylogger but i dont know if she uses this to conduct the alleged relationship as the other guy is a total technophobe. she is defo hiding something but i cant prove anything.

i am no saint by the way but i would never sleep with anyone behind her back. i do a lot of stupid things like go on benders and i have been caught on a dating site..purely for escapism and ego massaging which she caught me on. she has also found a lot of flirty txts on my phone to other girls which were at best inappropriate. i think we are doomed. also se rarely make love anymore. perhaps once a month if even and i last about 2 mins if we do which also makes me belieive she may be looking elsewhere for satisfaction even though i make every effort to satisfy her in other ways. sheesh. i would like some feedback is all i dont know what to do at this point.

I dont think your wifes behaviour is normal, but its interesting how you then added just at the end the flirty messages and dating profiles you have been on. Thats just as bad if you ask me, especially the flirty messages. I think you are worried because obviously you have been engaging in a sort of cheating (flirty text messages) and you see if you are capable of this, so is your wife. clearly both of you arent happy. Because your wife shouldnt be going to another guys house at 4am, it doesnt seem right. so maybe its time to sit down and actually be honest with each other for once.

I am a friend

Paddythejackine wrote: »

I have never had an affair

Really? A physical one you mean? So online affairs / texting/ dating sites dont count as 'offside'? WRONG...

seenitall

Hi OP,

I'm sorry to say but the relationship the two of you have reads as completely unsalvageable to me. What with ego massaging from other women, inappropriate texts and snooping on her texts on your part, and possible cheating and disrespectful preference of another man's company on hers, there is not much love or respect in evidence here, and that's even without throwing all the alcohol in the mix. Toxic indeed.

It's over. I just hope for the sake of your child you both realise it and carry it through as two responsible adults... but tbh I'm not holding my breath.

tbh

Count Duckula wrote: »

You've been caught on dating sites, you got out on benders until the early hours despite having a young daughter at home?

Have you considered it might actually be this abhorrent behaviour that has driven your wife to seek the company of another, more mature, man?

I am a friend wrote: »

+ 1....

Ye are well met and I am sure your daughter loves getting up every Sunday morning to the smell of booze in the house and 2 hungover parents...

he says "I have a daughter", not "We have a daughter", so my guess is the daughter is not his wifes and lives with her mum most of the time.

OP, sounds like your relationship is pretty toxic. You could only save it if both of ye want to, and it sounds like she doesn't.

I am a friend

tbh wrote: »

he says "I have a daughter", not "We have a daughter", so my guess is the daughter is not his wifes and lives with her mum most of the time.

Ok so waking up to 'parental rolemodels / parental figures' hungover....

tbh

I am a friend wrote: »

Ok so waking up to 'parental rolemodels / parental figures' hungover....

no, that's why I pointed that out - my point is, maybe she's not waking up in that house. You're chastising him for having his daughter "waking up to parents /whatever hungover" but the guy said "I never go out on benders when my daughter is at home."

Taltos

Hopefully you are seeing the message through all the disgust though.

1. Something HAS to change
2. You and your wife need to learn respect for each other.
3. You also both need to learn how to communicate
4. This is NOT an environment to be raising a child in. While I was relieved to see she is staying with relatives while you have your binges - do you really think you are raising an idiot? Please no more binges - instead spend quality time with your wife and child.
5. You both may need counselling - relationship - if you both agree there is something worth saving.

Clearly the relationship was not always this bad - you might be able to recover it - but only if you both work at it. Who knows maybe she has substitued your closeness with your mate?

Finally - drink... No MORE binges - drink in moderation or not at all. You are a father ffs. What if your daughter took ill during one of your binges - do you really think she will respect you seeing you stumble into the emergency room while the doctors and nurses think you are there for alcohol poisoning?
Harsh I know - but you have responsibilities now - time for binging etc has passed....

LegacyUser

It sounds like she has feelings for or is seriously attracted to him, your mate. The text message is alarming too. I do believe in continuing to see if you can find proof that she is cheating (although bear in mind, its much harder to find proof that she is not cheating). Depending on phone, there are programs you can get too, sim readers that recover deleted messages etc. If she's not cheating, you might be able to salvage the marriage but only investigate this for a short while and make your determination as its unhealthy to continue with it.

You really need to try and talk to her again. Find out why you are not intimate together as much as you should, has she gone off you, is she not satisfied? You should be going out together, just the two of you (without the drink if possible), not with anyone else for the next while. Try to rebuild things.

Is your wife the mother of your child?

LegacyUser

I dont know if its been mentioned yet OP, but if you ever suspect a partner of having an affair then one of the most telling things is when that partner is unreasonably protective of their phone. When a partner is afraid to put the phone down, takes it even to the bathroom unneccesarily and even sleeps with the phone in the pillow case then its extremely likely they're having an affair.

LegacyUser

yes she is the mother of my child. I will really try to work at it. there may be other reasons for hiding phone in that I have sent texts to her friends before or fraped her. I hope its paranoia.

LegacyUser

It sounds like your wife prefers the company of your friend and I wouldnt blame her since your looking outside the marriage to have your "ego stroked".

I wouldn't be surprised if shes talking about her relationship problems and the possibility of ending it with you when shes out at night. It sounds more like she's talking tonthis man than having a physical affair with him by what youve said.

_Kaiser_

To be honest, I think they're both as bad as each other and it's the child I feel sorry for here as clearly her parents aren't mature enough to sort this out like adults (rather than engaging in petty tit-for-tat crap), never mind put her (the child's) welfare first.

OP unlike all the "get counselling" types above, I'm gonna side with the posters who say your relationship is too broken to fix. There's no trust, no communication and clearly no respect - on either side - in my opinion.

Best thing ye can do is get yourselves some good lawyers and try and sort through this mess amicably at least - hopefully remembering that your child is the one innocent here and shouldn't suffer anymore than absolutely necessary as a result of all this.

Sorry if this seems harsh, but it sounds to me that the best thing ye can do at this stage is go your seperate ways!

(Incidentially - and apologies if I missed it - have you spoken to this "best" friend at all?? What does HE say is going on? Seems to me I'd be asking MY friend that question first before installing keyloggers and snooping through phones.....)

LegacyUser

I found the proof on Sunday.its all over now. she has moved out.

tbh

sorry to hear that man. at least you're not in limbo anymore.

Miss Fluff

Patrickthejackine wrote: »

I found the proof on Sunday.its all over now. she has moved out.

Shows how important it is to listen to your gut. I'm very sorry to hear that OP. At least now you know for definite rather than driving yourself mad with worry and paranoia.

Hope everything works out for you.

LegacyUser

Really sorry to hear that. Hope your ok.

ElleEm

Very sorry to hear that your fears were true.
At least you can concentrate on the people who actually care for you now. Both your wife and your best friend have shown their true dirty colours.

LegacyUser

so an update. I kicked her out of the house 2 days after i found out and she took our daughter to her mams. I changed the locks on the door..(stupid I know) I got a solicitors letter to tell me i had to let them back in. so i couldnt sleep or eat for about 4 days crying all the time. anyway a week later after i went away for a few days down the country i let her back in with my daughter. she admitted an affair of 9 months with my best mate blaming my lack of interest and benders etc and not showing her affection etc etc. so I let her back in and we have talked alot and eventually agreed to give us another go. We have both broken contact with my former best friend and assosiates. everyone in the area now knows she had an affiar with him and everyone is disgusted at the pair of them. now my family and her family dont want to see either of us ever...so its a total mess. anyway we are going to counselling next week and things are really hard. but we have been intimate a good few times since. she told me she loves me and i told her too and i have given up herb and curbed my drinking and giving her my full atention as well as my daughter. family tell me not to sleepo with her but its too late. i am still disgusted about what she did but i love her so much...this is the hardest thing i have ever had to deal with..advice please.

WANTStoWORK

To be honest you both need to get a grip, you have a seven year old daughter who you have left on her own while you leave the house at night. (look what happened to Madeline McCann) Everything in your life (and your wifes) appears to revolve around going out on drinking sessions, who is looking after your child when you both come home pissed out of your heads? and who is there for your daughter the morning after the night before? both of you should be ashamed of yourselves carrying on like that, your wife appears to be as bad as you, I have no sympathy for you or your wife and I am sure like a lot of other people in here feel very sorry for your daughter :mad:

Taltos

OP - this is still a tough one - here are some of my suggestions.

1. Keep up with the counselling - so many couples stop after a few visits claiming it is a waste of time. It is going to be difficult and you both will hear things you prefered not to but if this stands any chance of working you both have to keep at it.
2. Herb - well done - great first step - keep it out of your lives.
3. Drink - sorry mate but reducing this may not be enough. The benders you described earlier are to me clear indicators that you may be an alcoholic or have issues with substance dependency. Much easier to turn to the drink/drug instead of dealing with whatever is wrong. Instead of having the odd drink why not take your daughter and your wife out for a 20minute walk - spend time together doing silly things - just spend quality time together...
3. Your families - they will come around - try to look at it from their viewpoints - how can they not be disappointed in you both - affairs / benders / drugs etc. To be honest you are both lucky that neither family have sought legal guardianship of your daughter...

I really hope you both can make this work - not for just your own sake but for your childs. However, if it does not work - do what you can to split amicably next time for your daughter. I can only guess at the terrors she must be going through - you do know in a lot of cases the children blame themselves - so first off - you and your wife have to make your daughter the priority she was always meant to be.

BattleCorp

Hi OP.

I wish you well with your relationship and you are going to need all the help you can get.

Unfortunately when you have a dependency on weed and drink, not only have you to give up both of them, but you pretty much have to give up most of your friends too. Your drinking buddies and your smoking buddies won't be very helpful to you on the road to recovery.

You are heading down a very hard road but a road well worth travelling. And it's a road that you must take, for your daughter's sake.

Best of luck.

LegacyUser

You know you can seperate and still be just as there for your daughter. OP its your decision but can you ever truly be happy in a relationship with a women who cheated on you for 9 months with your best friend?

All I am saying is that you AND your daughter can be happy in a new relationship, seperation is so common these days and I don't believe it necessarily detrimentally affects kids. However if your intent on forgiving your partner then I suggest counselling but be very wary in future, someone who cheats once tends to cheat again and this wasn't just once off drunken cheating it was nearly a year long affair.

Good luck, hope everything works out. And please stop the binges when you have a 7 year old daughter.

lainey108

how did u catch her in the end?
why doesnt your family want anything to do with ye?

Karen8

Ouch. Im sorry this happened to you. To lose ur wife and best friend at the same time is hard to cope.
I hope everything will be ok between you two. Maybe u both needed that kick to wake up and to revalue ur relationship, to understand ur feelings and how much u need to work on it to keep it going the way u want. Try to talk to each other more - women generally loves it :rolleyes: the better she feels, the happier u will be by her side.
And don't forget ur daughter, the relationship she sees everyday will seem 'normal' to her. Is this something you wish for her too? Think about it.
Best of luck.

LegacyUser

7 weeks in. counseling session tonight. still having nightmares regularly. weird that all of my nightmares are of my former best friend. either fighting or confronting him in some way. none of my dreams involve my wife. its still very hard and fresh. i have pretty much stopped smoking and drinking moderately. its very hard. i have been sleeping in my daughters bed for the most part. i have no idea if it will work but the families are not making it easy. hers hate me and mine hate her. they hate me because they think i wasn't there for her and was more concerned with socializing than the relationship. mine hate her because she slept with him for 9 months.

Tiocfaidh Armani

Patrickthejackine wrote: »

7 weeks in. counseling session tonight. still having nightmares regularly. weird that all of my nightmares are of my former best friend. either fighting or confronting him in some way. none of my dreams involve my wife. its still very hard and fresh. i have pretty much stopped smoking and drinking moderately. its very hard. i have been sleeping in my daughters bed for the most part. i have no idea if it will work but the families are not making it easy. hers hate me and mine hate her. they hate me because they think i wasn't there for her and was more concerned with socializing than the relationship. mine hate her because she slept with him for 9 months.

Give us updates buddy, just reading your post for the first time and thought "she is at it for sure" and sad to see reading through it I was right. God bless ya, your head must be wrecked.

Taltos

Tiocfaidh Armani wrote: »

Give us updates buddy, just reading your post for the first time and thought "she is at it for sure" and sad to see reading through it I was right. God bless ya, your head must be wrecked.

Please refrain from making such requests in the future. While it may have been made in support of the OP, this forum is not for our entertainment, which is how such requests could be construed.

Taltos

kjl

<MOD SNIP>

Why don't you confront your friend, tell him you find the relationship he has with YOUR wife if making you uncomfortable. Read his responses, look for nervous behaviour such as not being able to make complete sentences.

As for the people barraging you here, if you wife is cheating this is sooo much worst than going onto a dating site. I totally get what you mean by ego stroking and as long as you never had any intentions of meeting up with any of these women then what's the problem.