Male Advice - Shy Guy or excuse?

LegacyUser

Hi All,
I'm going unreg for this.

I really need some advice from the men of boards.ie please....

I was out with a friend and a fairly good looking guy caught my eye..I glanced at him and thought no more of it. That was 4/5 months ago.

2 weeks ago he asked my friend about me and she asked if I'd meet him for a drink. I agreed so she gave him my number and he text me. It took him 2/3 days to ask my out and I couldnt make it when he suggested but I met him for a casual chat when he was out with his friends one night... he had drink taken and was chatty enough..he told me he was really glad we met like this because if we had gone on a date he would be far too shy to talk and I would run away..that's what has constantly happened to him.. while he was still drunk he asked me if we could meet the following night - we couldnt because I had plans. he said he and his mates were going out sat night and asked me if i'd join them. I said I probably would.

We kissed and there was a spark and the next day I text him and asked him how he was... we had a brief text chat.

The following day he text me asking me how the night before had been..i replied that it was good and i was probably going to be back that night.. he replied with "probably? I hope so!" and so I arranged to meet him and his friends again.

We got on well but again his sociable side was down to him having had a few drinks..and he told me again about how shy he is and how difficult he finds it to talk to people..women in particular and no one gives him a chance.

Anyway the night went really well and big mistake we slept together...next morning he was so quiet (sober) and we chit chatted and then parted ways.

I text him saying I hope he didn't mind me leaving..and he said he didnt mind.

that was all the contact we had that day.

day 5 He text at lunch time asking "how's work going" - few texts over and back with a bit of banner about our close encounter and since then nothing...

now its only day 6 since we met, I know.
But have I nailed my coffin by letting it go so far so fast?

I'm just wondering if sleeping with someone so quickly puts a stop to any more dates or interest he may have had?

I have never done this before and I don't know how to read the lack of communication etc...

Have I messed up as much as I think I have? Have I ruined any chance we had by letting it get out of hand on the second date?

I feel so stupid even having to ask but I'm very mixed up at the moment anyway...

I'd really appreciate your opinions...

Thank you

Distorted

It depends on what follows from hereon in OP. Only then can you judge if he has got all that he is looking for or whether he is a genuinely nice guy.

I'm not finding the shy guy talk particularly convincing though. He seems to have an active social life, have no problem with sleeping with women he doesn't know that well and the only evidence of shyness comes from his claim to it...

I read somewhere that shyness can be a type of selfishness, where the person spends too much time thinking about themselves and how they feel and not enough about other people and how they feel in their company.

I have to say that the constant talk by him about how shy he is would be doing my head in. A one off mention of it is ok, but constant reminders...nah.

LegacyUser

Thank you Distorted. I'm not sure I buy the shy thing either.

Actually what you're saying about shyness makes a lot of sense - going off on a different tangent altogether here but psychology studies suggest we are drawn to confident people because insecure people have a tendency to cause pain and misery while confident people ride the crest of the wave and take you with them. So really a shy person in this context is likely to hurt you by default because they can't handle taking others feelings into account...

So yes in that way this shy thing is a bit of a cop out and does tend to make him less attractive to be around.

I guess I'm pretty sure that he got what he was looking for and that's that....

squonk

It's only day 6 OP so hard to know just yet.

It's not adding up for me I'm afraid though. OK, he's shy. Fair enough, but if the first night out went well, that should have been the end of that subject. I'm just concerned he's putting it on a bit. He hadn't much trouble asking your friend about you. Not too much shyness there...

I'm inclined to think he's playing you a bit. Letting on to be a bit shy but not shy enough to not end up in bed with you. A bit of chit chat then the following day and a bit of chit chat after that. I'm inclined to think it's not good.

Ok, I'll say something here from my own perspective as a guy. Id' sleep with someone on date 2 if I wasn't that pushed about them. If I was really interested in pursuing something then I'd wait. I think personally I'd only do that if it was a mutual thing., i.e. we both reckoned it wasn't a big thing. My thoughts are he's being polite and tryiing to bow out gradually. He's 'shy' so he doesn't have a lot to say for himself. Sounds like an act. I've a feeling he might get very shy from here on in.

LegacyUser

Thank you Squonk - you've confirmed my suspicions.

If I'm honest with myself - I don't think I'd have let it happen either if I really wanted it to develop.

Have I done the right thing then in not contacting him?

I mean I'd be happy to have a chat if we ran into one another - in fact I'd expect that at the least.

But I'm not exactly heartbroken about him. Giving it a little more thought - I actually think he is emotionally unavailable any way...

Devon Brown

There wasn't a ton of communication before you slept with him, so I wouldn't read too much into spare communication now. Unfortunately, without knowing more about this guy, I can't say whether his shyness is a game or if he genuinely is shy.

Frankly, though, it seems like he is trying to make it clear that he likes you. He is just nervous about getting hurt, like a lot of people.

Good luck.

- Devon

Count Duckula

Just a quick one; it seems like he's doing all of the chasing. He had to ask you out, he's been texting you.

Now, I might have got the wrong end of the stick entirely there, and you've been doing your equal share of first-contact, but if not then that might be your issue. If he really is as shy as he says then he's going to be second guessing everything he does and everything he reads into you. Your lack of initiating contact might be - in his eyes - a sign you're not really into him and he's scared himself into silence.

I know, I've been that guy before.

Count Duckula

I'd also like to add that just because he slept with you doesn't mean that it was too soon and you've ruined the relationship. I never understood that mentality; that somehow "waiting for it" makes the relationship more worthwhile and sustainable.

gypsy_rose

Just on the sleeping together part, I don't think it makes much difference as to whether it will turn more serious or not, if they like you they will want to see you again, sex or no sex. "Giving it up" early as people like to say is a load of rubbish in my opinion, you're both equal adults and a guy who judges a girl on that is not worth having in my opinion because it means he thinks he can do things but you can't.

LegacyUser

Thank you all.

DB - that's a good point re: very little communication - I guess the issue really is that we don't know each other all that well...just that the chemistry was there and we gave in to it...

Count Duckula - Thank you for that input. I didn't think of it like that. I have been warm in some replies and playful in others but I haven't initiated the contact bar once. Does it count that I have received and responded to his contact warmly?

I got a short how are you text tonight - again the contact was initiated by him - is that really a bad thing? I mean if he is shy and I'm texting him is that not a bit full on?

Gypsy Rose - that's how it should be really isn't it? why shouldn't a healthy relationship be built on a certain amount of chemistry - surely if the chemistry isn't there it's no different to a good friendship?? I don't know - but I read that guys lower their standards for a one night stand. and i guess that's what makes me question if jumping into bed is the way to go to build respect...

squonk

Hi OP! It sounds good that he's still texting you at this stage. Has he tried calling you at all?

It does continue to sound positive but next time don't sleep with him and maybe lay off it for a while. Get to know each other and build up a rapport and work on the actual relationship initially.

Just to counter Gypsy & Duckula's opinions, while I don't believe myself in dong a whole 'waiting X dates before sleeping together', or whatever, you should do what feels right. Fair enough but in your case there isn't a heap of communication so I'd just be concerned that things might end up going along the lines of you still not communicating that much but sleeping together, so from his point of view, the relationship becomes more abotu sex than anything else. It can happen and I've always thought that sleeping with someone came when you were both relatively sure of where you both stood and were on the same page. Therefore, I'd just say that for a while now, just work on the communication and breaking down his shyness, then when you rock his world next time, it'll be even better. Just my 2c

LegacyUser

Squonk that sounds great! Thank you - you've given me something to think about - to help me establish my own values and beliefs on the whole thing - I really didn't know what to think...

LegacyUser

oh Squonk - no he hasn't called ... but why would he when he is so shy....??

squonk

MixedUpChick wrote: »

oh Squonk - no he hasn't called ... but why would he when he is so shy....??

Ya see MixedUpChick, this is where some of this is falling down for me. You've been on two dates, it's gone well. He's chasing you but can't call you? You're responding positively and encouraging him... how much more does he need to get past this shyness? Some of me still thinks there's more to this but I'd hold judgement until you've had another date or two and see how that goes and, as I said before, no sleeping with him for a while. Work on that relationship and if he's indeed throwing you a line, he'll have moved on to someone else quickly enough.

LegacyUser

Yes Squonk I think that may very well be part of the reason I didn't know what to make of it all...I'm used to a more proactive attitude I have to say...

He did ask me not to judge him on the first few dates as thats what usually happens...the lady walks away..

I just don't know whether this is genuine or he's playing games...

I was involved with a guy who I very wrongly trusted completely who had me going because he told me he was shy, insecure blah blah blah and being the sucker I was I fell for it hook line and sinker. And he really messed me up.

But at least I'm not that naiive now...all the same I do not want to wrong this "shy" guy if he is genuine because of one asshole.

Thing is how do I know he is genuine - I have no idea whether he is genuinely reserved or it's a cop out... my radar for summing up a situation is still broken.

Thank you for all your advice and sharing your point of view Squonk. I really appreciate the bit of direction..

Distorted

I agree with Squonk on this one (sorry if I seem to be copying you Squonk). I just think the combination of good looking, no problem in initiating contact and sex and constant referrals to how shy he is is just a bit too convenient. It just all adds up to a pretty good way of meeting women, persuading them that your'e different from all the rest and then providing a good excuse when you've had what you wanted.

I am hopefully going to be proved wrong when he asks you out on an actual date (either by text or by phone, I can forgive a genuinely shy person for preferring text). This would be an actual proper date as opposed to a drunken meet up leading to sex again.

If he's too shy for that then whatever he says, I would say he is also "too shy" to be getting too emotionally involved with as you're likely to get hurt while he's wallowing in his shyness.

johnr1

I'm sorta with Distorted on this one, Tbh, a lot would depend on how old he is. If for example he were 19 I would probably take him at face value on the whole shy guy thing, lots of us were at that age.
If on the other hand he's a good looking 27 yo, then I'd reckon he once was the shy guy, and has learned to use that as his hook.
Knock him off the fence by doing more initiating of contact, - if he really is Mr Shy who's into you, he'l jump at it, if he's just playing around he'l run like a rabbit, telling his mates "how clingy you got soooo fast"
Not all quiet shy people are nice, just as not all loud brash people are aholes. In fact, I'd tend to agree with an earlier poster's assessment(possibly the OP's) that confident people will take you up on the wave with them, while shy people sometimes overthink stuff from their own perspective.
I think the whole 'waiting x amount of dates before sleeping with someone' thing is stupid tbh in the real world of adults who've all done it before, unless there is a specific reason, such as the guy being a total player with a poor history, and if that was the case why would you bother anyway, - just making the game more interesting for him till he gets what he wants and walks anyhow.

LegacyUser

Thank you Devon. I hear ya!


Hi Johnr1, thank you for replying. That's a very valid point - re: sleeping together early on. If he's a player it doesn't matter how long into it you wait - even if time means you get on well etc - I'm not interested in a player.

I'm not necessarily looking for a relationship either - I'd be content to have a few dates and leave it on a note of mutual consent if it isn't working out and that'd be ok. But I definitely don't want to get closer to someone who's "been everywhere" and gets a kick out of it.

So Johnr1 you've made me realise sleeping together wasn't a mistake persay - and thank you for that. With that cleared up I feel better able to gage his behaviour.