3 Men in my bed

LegacyUser

So, I live with my BF for the last year in his one bedroom place. I do the majority of cleaning and cooking, he doesnt pay rent/mortgage and I dont pay rent to him.

He has one friend that comes over a LOT, its ok but can be a bit intrusive. I like the friend and dont have a problem with him personally. This friend wants to stay over most nights when he visits, this kind of bother me a bit. When he visits he smokes all over the place, BF is light smoker and I am very light are light, but he is heavy and always leaves a trail of ashe in his wake. He also always drinks beer, more than 2 so he cant drive home, then wants to sleep on couch (He has asked to sleep in the bed with us on a few occasions).

On Wed night last week he called over and BF manaed to get him to go home at about 3am. On Friday I went home to my parents for the weekend. The friend called over Fri night, drinkin session ensued and he stayed over in my bed with my bf.
I explained to BF on Sat that i wasnt comfortable with other lads staying in our bed, whatever about the couch. He was in agreement that it was getting a bit much and said he would try and have a word.

Sat night came and he went out with this mate and another guy (Who i havent met before). They all came back to ours after the club and continued drinking. The third lad got drunk so BF put him in our bed (My side) and continued drinkin with the mate. They both joined the first lad in the bed after a bit. Three lads in a bed (Seems strange to me when theres a couch but anyway)

At around 6am, the thrid lad got out of bed, walked into the corner and pi55ed on the floor. It was cleaned up by BF and Mate and i wasn't told about any of the above until Monday night when I realised there was something afoot and started asking a few questions.

He was all apologies and said he knew it wasnt fair or acceptable behaviour. I said to him 'Can you promise you wont let this happen again' to which he replied 'ah here, you know what Mate no1 is like, how do I even say it'. Mate no1 has also moved a bottle of solution for his contacts into our bathroom cabinate.

Am I weird that I think this behaviour is completely unfair? Not alone that but also the fact that he wont promise me it wont happen again? We are both 28 by the way.

NothingMan

You're not wrong, that is a very strange situation. I have lived with a gf and certainly would not be letting anyone into what was our bed bar either of us. It's your bed and it's not unreasonable to expect that you're the only one who sleeps in it with your bf

At the moment I live with friends and am single and even at that I was a bit miffed when I was away one night and they let a mutual friend sleep in my bed. It's all well and good if it's a spare bed, which we had btw no idea why he didn't go there, but your own bed is a place where you should feel comfortable and cosy and that's not easy to do when your bf's drunken mates are farting all over your side.

I'd tell him now it has to stop. The frequency that his friend stays over aside, which seems like too much, if your bf does want him to stay over he should take the damn couch. Although I'm not too fond of people sleeping on my couch too often either since one friend pissed on mine.

Put your foot down! You're not out of line.

Alter-Ego

Not wanting to have people sleeping in your bed is perfectly acceptable, not something I'd want personally either.

Regarding the mate coming over so much, if your BF sees it as a problem as well, then maybe giving Mate No1 a few subtle hints by saying that you're out for the evening or that you want some time together as a couple. It's not unreasonable.

Esoteric_

Amianag wrote: »

'ah here, you know what Mate no1 is like, how do I even say it.'

"You can't keep staying over because it's invading mine and my girlfriend's personal space at this stage and we need time to ourselves. Once in a while is fine but it's getting too much."


That's polite and leaves no room for fighting.

Your boyfriend needs to man up and grow up, frankly. He said he agreed it was getting out of hand, then ALLOWED 2 men to sleep in your bed. He clearly doesn't agree that it's getting out of hand if he's still letting it happen. Either that or he's a complete wuss and is hoping you'll be the one to kick his mate out so you look bad, not him.

LittleBook

I'm not completely comfortable with ANYone (other than OH) sleeping in my bed, never mind three smokey, drunken lads, one of whom needs to be house-trained. Eugh!

Tell your boyfriend that this is ridiculous. This is YOUR HOME. You shouldn't have to worry about it being invaded at a moment's notice for drinking and smoking sessions. He has to tell his friends that your home is not a crash pad for his mates whenever it suits them. No hints, just straight out.

Now and again is fine but it doesn't seem as if your boyfriend has any control over them at all!

Taltos

Your OH is either a soft-touch or has no respect for you.

Now - are you happy to stay with either of these?
I really don't know what to advise beyond that - you have spoken to him and it has continued - hence my comment above...

Maybe he needs a shock - but maybe he just needs to grow up - and that is not your job...

Devon Brown

It doesn't sound to me like this is as much of a relationship issue as it is a common courtesy issue. You are living there as well, so your feelings need to be respected. If they are not, I would suggest moving out. I would also re-think my desire to be in a relationship with someone who disrespects me and my wishes like that.

Good luck.

Degringola

And hand friend back contact solution.

blackbird98

I can't believe that you haven't lost it with your bf. what is he at??

Ultimatum, either they go, or you go.

maybe he's grooming you for a threesome??

Giblet

Eh, leave him to his mates.

Moomoo1

Taltos wrote: »

Your OH is either a soft-touch or has no respect for you.

Now - are you happy to stay with either of these?
I really don't know what to advise beyond that - you have spoken to him and it has continued - hence my comment above...

Maybe he needs a shock - but maybe he just needs to grow up - and that is not your job...

I think he i just trying to play the generous host tbh... perhaps feeling somewhat insecure with his friends or something like that. Probably a bit of a soft touch, but nothing to worry about.

agree, 3 guys in a bed is very strange...

Wompa1

Wow WTF is going on? you sure he's not gay? That's not to be dramatic but having a friend play sleep over and leave things in your house is way too much.

nicechick!

Amianag wrote: »

So, I live with my BF for the last year in his one bedroom place. I do the majority of cleaning and cooking, he doesnt pay rent/mortgage and I dont pay rent to him.

He has one friend that comes over a LOT, its ok but can be a bit intrusive. I like the friend and dont have a problem with him personally. This friend wants to stay over most nights when he visits, this kind of bother me a bit. When he visits he smokes all over the place, BF is light smoker and I am very light are light, but he is heavy and always leaves a trail of ashe in his wake. He also always drinks beer, more than 2 so he cant drive home, then wants to sleep on couch (He has asked to sleep in the bed with us on a few occasions).

On Wed night last week he called over and BF manaed to get him to go home at about 3am. On Friday I went home to my parents for the weekend. The friend called over Fri night, drinkin session ensued and he stayed over in my bed with my bf.
I explained to BF on Sat that i wasnt comfortable with other lads staying in our bed, whatever about the couch. He was in agreement that it was getting a bit much and said he would try and have a word.

Sat night came and he went out with this mate and another guy (Who i havent met before). They all came back to ours after the club and continued drinking. The third lad got drunk so BF put him in our bed (My side) and continued drinkin with the mate. They both joined the first lad in the bed after a bit. Three lads in a bed (Seems strange to me when theres a couch but anyway)

At around 6am, the thrid lad got out of bed, walked into the corner and pi55ed on the floor. It was cleaned up by BF and Mate and i wasn't told about any of the above until Monday night when I realised there was something afoot and started asking a few questions.

He was all apologies and said he knew it wasnt fair or acceptable behaviour. I said to him 'Can you promise you wont let this happen again' to which he replied 'ah here, you know what Mate no1 is like, how do I even say it'. Mate no1 has also moved a bottle of solution for his contacts into our bathroom cabinate.

Am I weird that I think this behaviour is completely unfair? Not alone that but also the fact that he wont promise me it wont happen again? We are both 28 by the way.

I had a persistent ''torn in my side'' for years my ex had a friend that was constantly there all the time I used to leave just to get a break! I always suspected he was a closest gay and was in love with my boyfriend it was let me just say caused many a heated argument we had over him interfering constantly.. constant texts and intrusion on us and our personnel space drove me nuts he used to always ''rise me'' and get me angered by always making personnel reference to my ex's past though we were together for years!! though hmmm I always thought my ex should explore his sexuality! Anyhow I asked him a number of years later and every girlfriend he'd had also had issue with him (thank god! it wasn't my imagination..) oh yes he also attempted to get into my ex's bed though always when I wasn't there...

Sorry now to the point! its intrusive and unwanted attention what's wrong with the couch! It is weird and your right to be bothered

booboo88

hold the frickin phone.......he put him into ye're bed on your side? 3 lads in a bed?
fair enough a once off, too drunk blah blah blah. but this seems to happens every week. and his friend has asked to sleep with ye? thats just creepy, id start charging him rent :rolleyes:

you need to speak up or walk.

DO NOT leave this to your boyfriend.

Handle it yourself. Your boyfriend doesn't want to be the bad guy; if he can't/wont step up then do it yourself. You shouldn't be the one to have to do it, but if BF isn't going to then you should tell this "mate" how his bread is buttered.

1. Tell him it's not cool for him to stay over. You're sorry it has to be this way but it's just not a situation you're comfortable with. If drinking is stopping him leaving, then he should stop drinking.
2. If he makes excuses, or if over time it doesn't stick, tell him you're not asking. That you're really not happy with this and that if you can't be sure when he comes in that he's not sleeping over, then you will not be able to let him in in future.
3. If it still doesn't work, tell him you don't care if he's friends with your BF. Tell him he's taking the p*ss and that you know he doesn't get how much of a bother he is but if he doesn't get his act together then he will never be let in the house again. And tell him where to shove his contact solution. It's not on.

LegacyUser

This place is mad and way to quick to try and end relationships.

Tell your boyfriend to man up and tell his friend to a, stay less often and b, sleep on the couch the odd night he stays. Tell him no one but you and him stay in your bed and no one you don't know or aren't comfortable with should stay in your apartment EVER. Make sure yourself and your bf sit down and tell him YOU BOTH don't want him there as its getting in the way of ye being a couple.

Dont buy all this crap about grooming for a 3 some, some people are just far too paranoid. Same with get rid of him. Its probably nothing more than this is a habit from when he was single and mates were over and needs to be checked and sorted.

Its not your bf being disrespectful or anything, its probably him being an eejit and just giving in to his friend.

If everybody followed the "dump him" "get rid of her" "leave him to his friends" for every time its posted on here, there wouldn't be a couple left in Ireland.

Moomoo1

she can't really stop him entering the house when she's away, can she...

I don't think the problem is the friend staying over, if they slept on the floor/couch there's nothing wrong with that

booboo88

Moomoo1 wrote: »

she can't really stop him entering the house when she's away, can she...

I don't think the problem is the friend staying over, if they slept on the floor/couch there's nothing wrong with that

no the problem is its nearly every freekin week?

Idbatterim

that is a joke, especially at 28 years of age!

Alter-Ego

blackbird98 wrote: »

I can't believe that you haven't lost it with your bf. what is he at??

Ultimatum, either they go, or you go.

maybe he's grooming you for a threesome??

OP, please don't resort to Ultimatums. My opinion on them is that by serving someone with an ultimatum, you're setting yourself up to be the loser. Your BF could end up resenting you for it.

It appears to me that the issue is something that can be sorted by talking to your BF, and if he's at all reasonable he'll man up and do what he needs to do. All this "dump him" and "walk" talk is counter productive nonsense.

Distorted

So you've asked your boyfriend to put a stop to it and he hasn't. I don't know what else you can do. You can try demanding it more forcefully but to be honest, its not something I could live with. I'd be for moving out and getting my own place.

What is it with all these guys urinating in beds, on sofas and in bedrooms? Bleurgh.

I can't really get my head round it. All the guys I know would be loathe to let another man (never mind two) sleep in the same bed as them once, never mind regularly. They'd be totally embarrassed. And the contact lens solution is terribly domesticated a thing to do...

Moomoo1

booboo88 wrote: »

no the problem is its nearly every freekin week?

so what? It's his home as well...

Kimia

What do you mean, do neither of ye pay rent?

I am a friend

Doe she change the sheet after he has these lads staying in your bed?? :eek: Ughhhhhhhh

squonk

As I see it, OP pays rent. OP's BF doesn't pay rent to the OP or anybody else.

Couple of things here OP. First, you need to start charging your BF rent if he's living in the place. If he's paying for something he's going to have more respect for it. Also, he'll see you're not a woman to be walked over and his attitude might change. As it is now, he's having his cake and eating it.

If one of my friends stayed over he'd be on the couch or the spare bedroom. If he pissed over the floor it'd be the very last time he'd be staying over and I don't think I'd be keeping in contact anyway as that sort of behaviour is both childish and ignorant and it's not the type of person I want to cultivate a friendship with.

OP I'm wondering if your BF doesn't just see you as a soft touch and is 'just along for the ride', no pun intended but I mean he's got it handy, living rent free, having his mates stay over and not having to take anything you say very seriously. That's for you to decide as it's your relationship but I think any man at 28 who knew his partner had concerns but wasn't doing much to address them needs a wake up call or to be kicked to the kerb.

You're not getting the respect you deserve. It's disgraceful behaviour and it's up to you whether you want to continue in this. What happens down the line when more serious decisions have to be made or some compromise that might be painful might be called for for the sake of you both? Will it be more of the 'Ah well, you know...' rubbish from your BF with not much outcome? I know there are people here saying dont' break up with him but really, it doesnt' sound like he's got a lot of love or respect for you right now at 28 to continue with that kind of carry on and to, more importantly, not know or recognise that it's completely wrong and over the top.

Alter-Ego

squonk wrote: »

As I see it, OP pays rent. OP's BF doesn't pay rent to the OP or anybody else.

Couple of things here OP. First, you need to start charging your BF rent if he's living in the place. If he's paying for something he's going to have more respect for it. Also, he'll see you're not a woman to be walked over and his attitude might change. As it is now, he's having his cake and eating it.

If one of my friends stayed over he'd be on the couch or the spare bedroom. If he pissed over the floor it'd be the very last time he'd be staying over and I don't think I'd be keeping in contact anyway as that sort of behaviour is both childish and ignorant and it's not the type of person I want to cultivate a friendship with.

OP I'm wondering if your BF doesn't just see you as a soft touch and is 'just along for the ride', no pun intended but I mean he's got it handy, living rent free, having his mates stay over and not having to take anything you say very seriously. That's for you to decide as it's your relationship but I think any man at 28 who knew his partner had concerns but wasn't doing much to address them needs a wake up call or to be kicked to the kerb.

You're not getting the respect you deserve. It's disgraceful behaviour and it's up to you whether you want to continue in this. What happens down the line when more serious decisions have to be made or some compromise that might be painful might be called for for the sake of you both? Will it be more of the 'Ah well, you know...' rubbish from your BF with not much outcome? I know there are people here saying dont' break up with him but really, it doesnt' sound like he's got a lot of love or respect for you right now at 28 to continue with that kind of carry on and to, more importantly, not know or recognise that it's completely wrong and over the top.

Amianag wrote: »

So, I live with my BF for the last year in his one bedroom place. I do the majority of cleaning and cooking, he doesnt pay rent/mortgage and I dont pay rent to him.

.

joseywhales

That changes everything really. His house, OP isn't paying rent and I've often shared a double bed with a man, I would prefer not to but it's not a big deal, no reason two people can't sleep next to each other. 3 is uncomfortable alright but it sounds like that was a once off.

I guess the guy feels that everything is his, it was his bed before and he probably let friends sleep in it before so he hasn't fully adapted to the fact that the rules have changed. Honestly his friend probably sees the OP as temporary, maybe he's been around for years and has a closer friendship with the op's partner than the OP does and therefore doesn't understand why they're friendship should be affected by this new relationship.

The sexuality thing is a bit absurd, I mean whole families have shared beds in poorer times without widespread incest.The obsession with homosexuality seems like a modern phenomena. Some people even get weird because a group of men shower together after a football match these days, unless the OP's boyfriend is uninterested in sex with her and she finds a few used condoms I wouldn't be too worried.